I have been reading this site for the last couple of hours, and I am stuck and freaking out.

I just found, through suspicion and finally checking her email that my wife cheated on me with my sister's fiance. They are getting married in just over a month.

In the emails it appears that this just happened about 1 1/2 weeks ago, while my wife, daughter, myself, my sister, her fiance and his son from a previous marriage were on vacation.

My wife and this guy got up every morning at 4:30 to go "fishing". I was suspicious the entire time we were out there, but pushed it aside, as we are currently having troubles in our marriage, and didn't want to make a fuss. But today, out of the blue, he calls her from his cell to hers, and she gives him her email address, I was sitting right next to her.

Then, I am work, she is at home, she is complaining about how tired she is, yet she is staying up on the computer until 1am. After she goes to bed, I can't take it any longer. I open up her email.

In there, there is about 5 emails passed back and forth. Her saying how perfect they are, how she doesn't want to forget the time they had, dream of me naked, blah blah.

He is a little more reserved, saying he loved my sister and is committed. She is trying to convince him the otherwise.

What the hell do I do here? All the stuff I read dealt with the "lover" being a friend, a coworker, not a brother-in law. These people have just wrecked 6 lives, including the 2 children.

She doesn't know that I know. What do I do? Help!!! How do I approach her?

I want to tell her I know, and I want to call him and tell him to stop all communications with her. I want to save this marriage! He has stated that he is unsure on where he wants to go, as it's so new. So I am assuming this just started? Is there a chance I can stop this?

<small>[ July 26, 2003, 02:18 PM: Message edited by: Appleman ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">my wife cheated on me with my sister's fiance. They are getting married in just over a month. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">She doesn't know that I know. What do I do? Help!!! How do I approach her?

I want to tell her I know, and I want to call him and tell him to stop all communications with her. I want to save this marriage! He has stated that he is unsure on where he wants to go, as it's so new. So I am assuming this just started? Is there a chance I can stop this? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Appleman - first let me say that I am sorry that you are "joining the club" with those of here. Second, you have come to one of the best places to get support and help.

Okay, let me start by saying you know what you need to do. You have all the proof needed and a loving confrontation is in order. ESPECIALLY since not only your marriage is at stake, but your sister is about to enter into the biggest mistake in her life...married to someone already involved in affair. Would you allow her to proceed KNOWING what you know? Would you want someone to allow you to marry KNOWING that your intended spouse was already violating the marriage vows?

Yes, there is going to be much pain and anguish, it cannot be avoided. But they brought it on all you. With respect to you sister's impending marriage, perhaps it will help a litte to think of it in terms like she was about to take her "dream trip of the lifetime", but a serious medical condition had come up. Take the trip and have a high probability of death, or relinquish the trip, perhaps forever, but work on curing the condition first so that she will live regardless of whether or not she ever get to take the "trip."

How do you approach her? Sit her down with copies of the email handy in case she falls into the typical WS method of lying to avoid disclosure. This has aparantly just occurred and is not an entreched affair, so you have that going for you. But as for your sister's fiance, I have severe reservations about the liklihood of her ever marrying her fiance. He has demonstrated an enormous lack of judgment (to be kind) and an enormous capacity for evil (to be truthful) in not only enticing your wife into an affair, but that she was the wife of his intended fiance's brother and they would likely be seeing a lot of each other over the years because of the the family connection.

Don't wait. If you love your wife and love your sister, now is the time to act. It will hurt a lot, but dealing with Truth will help to heal. Read all you can here. Read "Torn Asunder" by Dave Carder. Post for help and support.

Do the right thing.

God bless.

Wanna know the worst, he has done this already!! This is the second time he has cheated on my sister. They were to be married several years ago, but they broke up, apparently due to him cheating. He got the other girl pregnant, married her, then divorced.

Now, he has wrecked it again. I'm afraid to tell my sister. She could hardly take it last time.....I'm afraid she'll hurt herself.

You MUST tell your sister. It is the loving thing to do. You must confront your wife in love - even though you will probably have an almost overwhelming desire to rant, scream, and maybe even hurt her physically. If you cannot control yourself during this confrontation, then get some help from a mariage counselor. And pray.

You can recover, but it will be hard. Click on the link in my signature line for more info on what to do.

OMG!! Do not let your sister marry this guy! You have to tell her what you know, and then be there for her.

I'm so sorry you've found yourself in this terrible situation... <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Appleman I too echo the other members feelings, and I agree with their advice.

I strongly suggest that you read What Are Plan A And Plan B? and the following from Cerri(Penny Tupy) our resident MB coach and founder of Save Your Marriage Central :

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Plan A is not (repeat NOT) about making the WS happy, or feeling good.

Plan A is NOT, contrary to popular (and very incorrect opinion), about "making yourself a better person," or "working on yourself."

Plan A is ALL ABOUT the straying spouse. In Willard Harely's ever brilliant words, Plan A is a strategy to end the affair and to entice the straying spouse to reconsider the marriage.

So, it has several elements that should be done at the same time.

First is to eliminate LBers and to meet needs as best you can... recognizing that the unfaithful mate may not allow the betrayed partner to meet needs.

Second is to CONFRONT the unfaithful partner with what you know. Doing so (of course) in a way that is respectful and about you... how you feel, how you are affected by the affair.

Third is to expose the affair to the scrutiny of the world. The lover's spouse or s/o, coworkers, family, friends, church family, children, etc.

ALL OF THAT is Plan A. And it should be done as much as possible simultaneously. (If you don't believe me call the radio show Mondays and Thursdays at 1pm Central Time and ask Dr. Harley for yourself.)

Plan A must have a deadline. It's called Plan "A" because there is a second step... aptly named Plan "B." Willard Harley suggests a max of 6 months for men and 3 months for women before going to the next step. If Plan A hasn't worked in that time, it's not going to.

(I challenge you to find anyone who has done Plan A longer than that and been successful. I define successful as the A ending, n/c promised and verified, and the couple working a good recovery plan which includes meeting needs, eliminating LBers, getting in 15 hours a week of UAT, and most importantly following POJA.)
--

And (more) recently:

--
Plan A is not about being a nice guy. Plan A is about ending the affair.... being a nice guy is part of that, but only part. That's why confronting and exposing are crucial elements of Plan A... and if you're not doing those things then you can't really say that you're doing Plan A.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

It may be selfish for the moment, but what do I do now? Should I call this guy and confront him. I want him to know that I know, and try to cut communication.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Appleman:
<strong>It may be selfish for the moment, but what do I do now? Should I call this guy and confront him. I want him to know that I know, and try to cut communication.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes, tell everybody close to you, your WW(wayward wife), and OM(other man). Exposure of the A(affair) to the rest of the world is essential in injecting it with a toxic dose of reality. DO IT!

Sorry to hear.

Tell your wife and Sister.

As for confronting the scum, I'm not sure, I confronted the OM on the night (2:30am) I discovered the affair. I took my W with me (I had found driving directions to the OM apartment. (He lives 1 1/2 hours away from my house). So I can't really advise you except to say stay in control if you do.

Just remember if you Love your wife, don't hit her over the head just start meeting her EN. Its not very productive during the withdrawal (It will be 2 weeks Friday/Saturday for us.) Don't despair though, it does get better.

One other thing. I don't know if I agree with TooMuchCoffeeMan on telling everyone. Family can be very unforgiving. Unfortunatly it happened within your family so that will be kinda hard. Thats something you'll have to talk over with your sister.

I would find someone to talk to though. It does help. One other thing I think the friend you talk to should be male not female, simply because you could sucumb to your E and desire to even the score.

Best of luck to you

Well, I've just finished confronting her. I have no idea how it went. She was up since 4am throwing up(flu), so she just sat their silently looking ill. Not what I expected. I thought she would either yell back or be apologetic. At first she looked mad, because I found out, and I initially hid the way I did find out. That just made her concentrate more on how I found and trying to turn the tables on me, so I just jumped out and said I read her email. It didn't matter how I found out. How would anybody find out? By having to do something sneeky.......

Anyway, she didn't deny it, she just kept saying she had nothing to say and that she wasn't feeling good and couldn't talk about it. I think she is completely delusional.

He wrote to her saying he was "unsure and wanted to know more." She wrote back saying to "give me a try, she is game."

He is just keeping her on the line, and she has outright planned their life together. How can she be talking like this after a week. I re-read the emails and he did say a few days, so basically it just happened and only for a few days, I felt it right away and confirmed it within a week and a half. It is just starting, and I hope I caught it before it could have gotten worse.

Man, does this hurt. I called my counsellor to see if I could talk to her, but just got voicemail.

Again, suggestions. I am so scared to tell my sister, scared that she will do something drastic. But I need him to know that I know, so I can put a stop to this at both ends.

Suggestions, please?

Appleman,

You are in a difficult spot. All the presure is on you. Right now, you are the guy who holds the key to your sister's future. That's a lot of responsiblity - and you have to deal with the issue on your W's end at the same time.

Who will be the maid of honor?
Does your sister have any close friends who can help her cope with this?

I would start with the maid of honor. Tell her your fears for your sister - that she's going to need some close support right now. Give her the info you have.

Are your parents living? Can they help your sister?

Probably it's best for sis to skip town for awhile. Is there a close friend of hers who lives in another state that she can go spend some time with while the dust settles? She has to save face somehow.

Man, you've got to tell her. She's going to find out eventually - and things will be much much worse for her after she is married if she goes ahead with it.

An aside... from your description of the situation, I would guess that your W is the instigator - not that this guy has any moral sense, but I have the feeling that your W persued him - knowing that he as the type who would fall for it. It's just a guess. Sorry.

I have the feeling you don't want to take responsibility for any decisions right now, but you've got to. There is nobody else to do it.
Stand up. Be a man. Do what you know you have to do. As soon as you start taking decisive action, you will feel better, more in control, more empowered. Be strong. Be decisive. Show that you are the leader of your family. Protect your sister from this disaster. You may regret it if you do it, but you will certainly regret it if you don't.

-AD

<small>[ July 24, 2003, 10:22 AM: Message edited by: AD. ]</small>

How do you think that your sister will feel if she marries this poor excuse of a man, and later finds out the truth and that you knew but decided not to tell her?

See I know she has to find out. I just don't know if I should tell her, or call this guy, let him know that I know, then wait and see if he tells my sister. If he doesn't, then I'll tell her for sure.

She wrote this in her email:

"I feel it with everything that I am that you were meant for me and I for you." After 3 days <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

"husband told me today that he does not know me, he never has, because he never bothered to see me. You see me, I see you. I know you feel it......I have faith. Total faith. I have trust in you, and the person that I SEE. I don't want to let you go."

How can she talk like this after a couple romps in the hay, and 5 days of talking???? I agree with what AD. said, I think she initiated it. She seems desperate for the love and emotion I have not given her.

Oh man, I have been up all night, I tried to lay down and sleep, but I can't, all the images come rushing in. Replaying in my mind what she wrote to this A$$.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I have no idea how it went. She was up since 4am throwing up(flu), so she just sat their silently looking ill. Not what I expected. I thought she would either yell back or be apologetic. At first she looked mad, because I found out, and I initially hid the way I did find out. That just made her concentrate more on how I found and trying to turn the tables on me </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Appleman - this is what around here is called "The Fog". Her brains are scrambled right now. Also, her reaction is normal upon being "found out". There is a sort of numb feeling that hits them. In her case, she is also feeling ill from the flu, so the reaction is "normal", don't read too much into it as yet.

Next, I want to address the following quote:
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is the second time he has cheated on my sister. They were to be married several years ago, but they broke up, apparently due to him cheating. He got the other girl pregnant, married her, then divorced. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Appleman, I know how torn you must feel, but this quote really says it all and YOU KNOW IT!

This guy has NO understanding of, or respect for, marriage. He is a predatory user of women. He is a rapist of emotions and, frankly, if he were engaged to my sister I'd do EVERYTHING possible to see that the marriage NEVER took place even if it meant that my sister would "hate me". If she is so emotionally unstable herself that she might consider, or attempt suicide, then take the precautions already mentioned to make sure that she is surrounded with a support group.

As for confronting the slimeball Other Man (OM), to what end? He has already demostrated beyond any doubt that he could care less about you or anyone else. If you do confront him, I'd make it clear that he is not welcome around you, your wife, your sister, or anyone else that you know. Let him know that everyone who needs to know about his "character" will be informed by you. He can run, but he can't hide!

This man is pure unadulterated POISON! Tell him to go take care of his own child as a real man would.

Time for toughness regardless of how it will hurt. It will hurt. But the cancer must be excised RIGHT NOW! Be strong. Get your sister onto this site if you won't be hampered by her also being on the same site you are on. In this case, she is going to know about your wife's affair anyway, because it is the basis of how this self-indulgent predator acts and has attempted to destroy your marriage and your sister's life.

Keep posting. You will find it emotionally draining and physically challenging. Keep posting for support.

God bless.

So what are the possibilities of her reaction next? What do I look for? She did managed to say that there was still love for me, but of course, what do I believe? Is she telling me what I want to hear to leave her alone for a while.

Again, what happens next, do I wait for her to wake up from the fog, then pursue it again? What are her possible reactions?

Oh another thing. I am supposed to leave for Vancouver tomorrow to visit a friend for a week. Should I cancel now so I can stay home with my wife, so we can talk? So I can keep an eye on her? My concern is commmunication, this guy is in another city 3 hrs away, so I don't see anything physical happening, but they could still talk through phone or email. My daughter is with my parents too in this city. Should I drive there to get her, and then tell my sister. My God, I am dealing with too many lives here. I can deal with my own, but my sisters.......

BTW. I was a Groomsmen in the wedding, my wife was a Bridesmaid.

This guy is a PLAYER the end. Do you want your sister to marry him and have kids?

The more pressing issue right now in my opinion, is to tell your sister. I know you are hurting and you are hating this guy but you have got to STOP this wedding!

Then after that, the issue is really between you and your wife. You know this guy is a player, anything you say and do to him is not going to change him. He'll be out of your sister's life -- I PRAY!!! and so out of yours as well. So now you need to focus on your W. Seems like she's doing a LOT of the talking here -- you need to face that! It's a two-way street and she's doing a lot of the DRIVING! You want to focus your pain on Mr. Player. Focus on you and your W. It's going to be a while before she comes out of the "fog."

Y'all need to get into counseling and find out why she's doing this. I can't believe she's doing this to your sister as well as you. Man is the FOG thick! She probably didn't have the stomach flu -- she sick w/deceit.

Read as much info as you can here but PLEASE, PLEASE tell your sister. Quit thinking about what she'll do. She might be stronger than you think. I like the suggestion of maybe getting her best friend in on it so she can be there for her and comfort her and keep an eye on her if you really think she might do something drastic.

My God, the images. She hasn't made love to me in 2 months, and now all I get to think about is them. I need to get sleep.......but everytime I lay down, my mind just starts wandering, my heart in my stomache is pounding soooo hard, I want to puke.

I've made a 100 trips from the bed to the computer. I've been reading that the fog can last for months?? She told me the other day that she would be leaving in a month, to the city where this guy is, as that's where we are originally from. What if she does leave? Is there any chance? Do I want to try and convince her to stay, if she does want to try and work things out?

Go to your doctor and have him/her prescribe you anti-depressants. They will help you take control of your emotions which are at this moment all over the board. Without control of your emotions, you cannot effectively launch a plan to save your marriage because your emotions will sabotage any productive and hard earned efforts of yours. So go to your doctor now.

<small>[ July 24, 2003, 12:37 PM: Message edited by: T00MuchCoffeeMan ]</small>