My H took our 18 year old out to dinner for her birthday, and decided to "explain" why he is divorcing me. She sat there thinking about how they all use the same book - marriage going downhill for years, etc. He told her she could learn something from this - you make mistakes when you're young, you should put the past behind you, you should be sure before you get married (He was 30, it was his second marriage, we had been living together 4.5 years before we got married!) She asked him why he married me, and why he never said anything to me about problems in our marriage, and he apparently fudged some answer - she said she had never heard someone say so many words and say so little. <P>She asked him where he met the OW - he told her that he put several ads on the internet last summer looking for "someone to talk to". Yeah, right. My daughter was shocked that he would actually admit to her that he went looking for an affair, especially when has known for years how she feels about infidelity.<P>I am certain he was not planning on leaving when he started looking on the internet. Last summer we were intensively house hunting, and he consistently turned down places that were too long a commute for him, or not private enough. I suspect he was looking for something to "liven up" his life, and perhaps he was feeling resentful toward me for some reason. It is interesting that this occurred right after my nephew was murdered, which of course was very stressful for everyone in the family.<P>I am relieved to finally know for sure how he met her - I guess he told me the truth when I first asked him, although he later said I would never know because it was none of my business. I asked him then if she knew he was married, and he said she did. I think I would feel slightly better if he had met her in some "legitimate" way, though, and just "accidentally" fallen for her. Of course now my opinion of her has fallen even farther, if that's possible. He assured my daughter that she is not an evil person, and is very nice to her siblings. <P>Now I have to go find that site about internet affairs.<BR>

Nellie, I am soooo sorry you are so shocked and in so much pain.

Nellie1,<BR> You know,I read that a lot of affairs happen after a major life change,event,disaster,etc.I don't think my W had any plans to leave me,either.We had just taken out a large loan to remodel the house.I was going to build her a new kitchen,and she seemed real excited about it.Your H had an affair after your nephew was killed,my W had an affair after she got a job transfer;lower pay,different location,lousy boss,afternoon hours(we never saw each other).Seems as if they were seeking something else in their life to compensate for the stress.But thinking back,can't you think of things that you were resentful of, that your spouse did.I know I can.But after they have an affair,they pick on all our faults.Then comes the"I never should of married you,what was I thinking of?",etc.Glad to see that your daughter is smart enough to see through all the BS,and"lectures".Maybe we should write a book,"The Truth About Affairs".We've learned enough to,after going through all this crap.Take care. --Murph

I got a yahoo email account, and you can fill out a profile, and one of the questions is marital status, and one of the choices is "married but looking".<BR>is that just sick, or what?<BR>

The more I think about it, the angrier I get about his comment about putting the past behind you. How can you "put the past behind you" when the past includes six kids who are very much in the present? Putting the past behind you is just an euphemism for running away from your problems without regard for whom you hurt in the process.