Baba2: See separate post, I do not want to detract from Appleman's situation countering your nonsense. If you have any respect for the posting process, you will refrain from the behavior you are exhibiting. My response to you is now directed in a separate thread.

Appleman: I apologize for having to detract from your post in this manner ... such behavior as Baba2's is counterproductive to your situation.

I will ignor her obviously anger- and hate-driven drivel in the future on other's posts, and will address her in the proper manner, in a separate post or email to a moderator.

Godspeed, Appleman
STL

Appleman:

Tsk. Got so caught up in the previous nonsense, I forgot to post my thought to you.

By all means, forward the emails to your sister. She deserves to see them, since the "accusations" are out there. Let her see the same body of evidence you saw so that she can reach her own conclusions and fight the denial that is inherent in all of us.

Make sure that you include your email in the BCC line. I would recommend installing monitoring software such as Starr by Iopus. It should help you track any contact she is having, any email she is sending or IMing she is doing in or with accounts you may not know about. The software is undetectable when it runs, and users of the system do not realize the system is being monitored if you choose to do a stealth install.

Godspeed and best wishes for you (and your wife) and your sister,
STL

a-man,
please get a grip...this entire thread reads like a page out of a panic manuale! if you want to manage this situation, then you really must get some control over yourself. the only control you have here is over yourself!?

forget trying to preach rational moral behavior to your wife at this time...just forget it! if you would simply take a look at what she's saying and doing it wouod become clear to you that she is in outer space right now and only cares...that's ONLY CARES...about getting what she thinks she wants! other then that a-man, from where she's standing at the moment, the rest of the world can just be damned! so please stop asking her to act like a rational humanbeing...it's like asking a cat to be a dog!

about your sister...A-man she must be a top priority in this matter; if for no other reason then because of the pressure she can bring to bear on the situation....can cause mayhem to the little affair! and besides...she's your sister for goodness sake and she still wants to marry that vermin!? something must be done about this right away! G-D just what the situation needs right now...another player in the fog!

if it were me i would work on getting your W to confront your sister. let your W repeat to Sis just how much in love she and the low life are! it won't be nice for anyone but something must be done to wake up sis!

as for your W, back the h#ll off! you keep trying to make her see how horrible she is and she just does't see it that way! let me repeat an earlier post...you must show her a man of quiet dignity and one who is firmly in control of himself and his life.

the man you're showing her is a panic stricken individuale who i bet hasn't even clarely expressed what he realy wants at this point! and, by the way, do you know what you really want at this point?

look, she is going to be in contact with the OM no matter what you say or do! you can't stop her but you can show her a man who while disapproving of her behavior, is a man who has decided to go on with his life while protecting the life and well being of his daughter. ahhh...now is this not a person that needs to be recconed with?

and A-man if things get to hot and you just can't stand it any more...then i would go right to Plan B..."do not pass go..do not collect, etc., etc..."

others may council you to plan A no matter what but not me. if you simply can't handle the pressure of doing a good plan A then i wouldn't put myself in a position of failure. i would just be respectfull..in short be everything that she's not...and then tell her to hit the bricks ASAP! and wait for the fog to clear. hey but that's me.

coach.

I agree with coach that you should set up a meeting between your sister, OM, wife and yourself and discuss what has happened and is happening. Let the OM squirm when the **** hits the fan. He will probably deny that he told your wife that he loved her and was ready to cancel his marriage to your sisiter. The real truth will begin to burst the fantasy bubble that your wife is floating in.

I think I am panic stricken at some points, but I am not acting this way towards her. Nor am I sitting there trying to show her how horrible she is. For the mot part I am going with the flow, up and down the bumps and haven't lost it. As far as my sister goes, she sees that something happened, but he is not telling her everything. I have tried to make her see the light, but she won't. I have done my job there. I have told her about it. She has the evidence, and see we'll see what she sees. I cannot change her mind.

Appleman,

By evidence, do you mean you gave her the e-mails? If you did, then she has everything she needs to know and work with that. If she doesn't have the correspondence, then no she doesn't have all the evidence.

I think I am panic stricken at some points, but I am not acting this way towards her. Nor am I sitting there trying to show her how horrible she is. For the mot part I am going with the flow, up and down the bumps and haven't lost it. As far as my sister goes, she sees that something happened, but he is not telling her everything. I have tried to make her see the light, but she won't. I have done my job there. I have told her about it. She has the evidence, and see we'll see what she sees. I cannot change her mind.

No, you cannot change her mind. Now, that everything is out in the open, it is now time to take care of you and decide what you want to do. Do you want to save your marriage? Do you want to rebuild everything that you had. Do you want to start over with your wife? You have a lot of soul searching. Do not make any quick or hasty decisions out of the heat of the moment. I know this is easier said than done, but think before you react.

Take care

Dear Appleman,,, Damn it seems so unfair... Please tell your sister about what you know. I was told by my sister of my husbands affair. The only reason why she told me is because well to make a long story short. My husband and hers worked together my husband had to fire hers, and they did not talk to me or my kids , for a year. I called her and asked why she would not talk to me , I had nothing to do with what happend, she told me well because i know something that is going to hurt you, The affair.. Let me tell you It hurt me more to know that she knew for over a year, and didn't tell me, than you will ever know. I could have been in the healing process for a year , but she kept it to herself, well my mother also knew... Please please do the right thing call your sister, as much as it is going to hurt her, you will be doing her the biggest favor ever. I m in so much pain as it has been a little over a year since i found out. I have no one to talk to , Please if you would like to talk about your problem , let me know in a post. I would like to help you if I can. Hurtin <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Appleman,

After hearing that they continue to e-mail eachother I now tend to believe that he is as guilty as she. The only reason I thought other is because I have seen it before the complete unreasonable obssession and I do know it exists.
I agree, your sister needs to be shown all of the information, what she chooses to believe will be her own choice. I feel really bad for both of you, what a terrible thing they have done to the family.

What you need to do is to back away for now. No matter what you say to her it will be taken the wrong way. You in her twisted sense of reality have become the bad person because you found her out. You see the fun part of the affair is over, the sneaking around. Now comes the feeling sorry for themselves part. Now is the time for you work on your own self esteem. Be there for your sister, but don't get angry with her if she fails to totally believe this right away. I mean last week she was on top of the world, she was going to be a new bride ect. Now her whole world and sense of what is right has gone haywire.

Jill

Yes, my sister has all the evidence. That's why I say it's her responsibility on what she wants to do know. I am taking some time for myself now, and thinking about things.

Appleman:

You have given your sister all the pieces. Let her connect the dots. Be there to help support her emotionally.

If she is willing, encourage her to post here. There is a wealth of good information, insights and support here from which she can draw.

Rest assured you have and are doing the right thing. And while you might not have felt that you "have a grip" on occasion (or even most of the time in some instances), it is normal in situations such as these.

Of course, life is not fair, and the first step on the road to recovery requires that you be the level-headed one.

Realize we are all here for you, your sister, and even your wife. Heck, remember I am an exWS myself, and were it not for the support I got here when Zorweb and I first came here, we would not now be on the road to recovery.

Godspeed to you all,
STL

A-man,

Based on your most recent posts about the emails going back and forth, I completely agree with printing these emails before they're gone. Your sister probably needs to see them to really believe this. She probably is in denial, and STL is completely right (as usual) that denial is a normal reaction to a traumatic discovery. But she needs to believe this before it's too late. I mentioned in a previous post that I thought you should consider forwarding the uh...what's the term? I believe it's dorkus erectus? LOL Anyway, I think you should consider forwarding dorkus erectus' emails to your sister (warn her first, of course). No way is she going to believe this guy's lies if she sees that part of the truth for herself.

And, I must say, I'm very proud of you! Telling your sister must have taken a lot of courage and strength. You did the right and honorable thing and I just wanted to tell you that!

Hang in there, it's obvious how much you want to save your marriage and if you stay committed to the MB prinicples, I see no reason not to hope that you will!!

God Bless,

jen

Well, there hasn't been any contact for a day and half now. I can see my wife getting anxious, as she is repeatedly checking her email, just quick logins to see if there are any messages. She hasn't written one herself. I told my sister that one of her No. 1 priorities needs to be cutting off contact and ending the affair, as nothing can get better until that happens.

I am mostly better today, and in control. My wife however looks absolutely ill. She has been sweating all day, hardly eaten, she looks how I felt the first day I knew. I can see it in her face that she is starting to feel disgusted and she doesn't know what to do. She wants this OM to come and rescue her, and hopefully he won't. She keeps asking me what I am thinking, or how I am doing. And last night before bed she asked again how my sister and my parents are. She has this mask where she is blocking me from seeing her feelings, I think because she doesn't want to hurt me further, and that she doesn't want me to feel comfortable in any reconciliation, as she still wanted to leave before this happened.

I really think she needs to see a counsellor, but I have already given her the number twice, and she hasn't called. I don't want to be pushy, but she needs to work out a lot of these ideas and emotions that are in her head.

Appleman:

Now is a great, great time to begin Plan A. Show her that you are changing, and the way you were before the affair is not the Appleman you are now.

After all, that is what Plan A is about. Creating the new, improved Appleman, so that your wife smacks herself in the head and says, "What in the world was I thinking?"

Godspeed,
STL

Already doing that <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Although right now I think she sees it as sucking up. I just need to keep it up. Which is good, because these are changes I needed to make all along and it's all good practice and habit forming.

Appleman:

That's the spirit! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> A good Plan A and you will be a winner ... and if your wife is smart, she will be a winner too.

Godspeed,
STL

A-man,
if it's a good plan A then she wouldn't confuse it with sucking up. at this point what you need to do is be kind and considerate. as i've said in earlier posts, don't get into confrontations with her.

i would avoid any kind of relationship talk right now! i know that the R is all you can think about and is the only thing you want to talk to her about but exercise restraint now and you'll be glad later.

when she asks about your sister and family, tell the truth but do not go into detail! if the question is how is she or them ? the answer is, "horrible!" then say no more.

remember, now is the time for you to just stay calm. no crying, begging or pleading! and you'll want to i now...becuase that's what we all want to do! but it will not help you get into recovery. you have to work at being disconnected from the entire matter...kind of like you're this invisable man watching the whole thing happen instead of being the one it's happening to.

with no negative energy to feed off, no confrontation to give her the impudus to fight on, no posative support from the OM...she'll begin to tire. her emotions will sink into a kind of depression and she will be filled with a feeling of hopelessness; in short into a sitch perfect for the arrival of a white knight...to come to her rescue! do you know any white knights by the way?

coach

Everything seems to be going ok, I think. I've been doing what you have said Coach. No relationship talk, no confrontations at all. The last one was when she was upset about me telling my sister, but that's it. I can see it in her face that she is starting to tire. She looks pretty drained.

One thing I can't stop myself from doing is telling her that I love her, and hugging her and the odd little kiss.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Appleman:

"One thing I can't stop myself from doing is telling her that I love her, and hugging her and the odd little kiss."</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The problem is that these acts of affection, while good, will probably not register on her love scale because she is still in the fog. They are probably going to have the opposite effect of your intended purpose, so don't be surprised if this the case because of her addiction to the OM is still very strong.

Hi A-Man,

Just wanted to echo Coach on the affection issue. Be careful not to overdo it, she might feel smothered and pull even farther away. I imagine that in some respects, your affection serves to make her feel guilty - or at least she might think your trying to make her feel guilty.

Still prayin' for ya!

Jen

PS - Coach, love your signature line! I hope you say that to your wife everytime you get the chance!

Yeah, that is one thing I have to work on, is the showing of affection. I can't help it, as part of me just wants it to go away. But other than that I feel very much in control, mostly thanks to the information on this website, and to the users who have responded in this thread, thanks again soooo much! I can't believe how much it has helped.