A-man,
it sounds like you're learning to handle this very difficult situation with great style and dignity. at some point in time she will have to compare the way your dealing this catastrophy as aposed to the way her annointed hero is dealing with it! and wow! is that going to be a cold bucket orf water on her head or what! LOL

and by the way..don't beat yourself up over loving her and telling her so. just try to understand that doing so right now is counter productive to your eventuale success.

hard to believe that taking a more reserved position now will put you in a more romantic position later on but that's how it seems to work. just be strong! right now is a very important and critical time. give her space, understanding and kindness and she will evenutally figure it out on her own.

good luck
coach

Ok, need some help again. Don't know if I should start a new thread.....Like always, things have just happened all to fast.

Wife and I talked tonight, let me tell you the fog seems to be over. I guess it's just that up until a couple weeks ago, we were pretty much honest with each other, and now it comes easily.

She has laid everything on the table about what happened (ouch, that hurt just a little too much) and is leaning towards working on things with me. She really just seems sick with what has happened. I have even showed her this thread. She just doesn't know what she did and why. She is at a loss with her behavior,and feels like she was stupid, as this guy just said all the right things.

Current problem is this. I have told her what the OM has said about her and that he has blamed everything on her, she made the first move etc. My wife has been completely honest with me about everything that happened, while he continues to lie and back-track to my sister, even though she knew what I knew. I now have my wife telling me everything, even though the details suck, because she feels really angry at him for doing this to my sister. She has told me about little instances and it was actually he who initiated it. Now, I don't want you to think that she is playing any games with me. I can tell that the person who had this affair is not my wife and that she was "taken" by aliens, and that the person who talked to me tonight, IS my wife. And she herself is not defending her actions, she is accepting responsibility, I think she just feels that my sister can't marry this scumbag.

Do my sister and my wife talk about this so my wife can tell her all the details? My sister is in a state of denial and acceptance. Basically her fiance has not come clean about what has happened, has just said that something started to and that he put a stop to it. When really he was pushing for it, telling my wife how to lie, urging her etc. My sister just accepts this and wants to move on with their marriage. She doesn't want failure a 2nd time and is in her own fog. However, when anyone pushes she just gets angry and pushes back.

Do we force this issue? My wife says she can't deal with the fact of my sister marrying this guy and having kids, as even though she was being stupid;), she can see that this guy was a pro at doing this and that he will do it again after he marries my sister.

Oh, one other question, my wife is toying with the idea of wanting to trap this guy. Because I know what he told my sister, and but he doesn't know what my wife told me.

She wants to email him and ask him what he told, so she can tell me the same thing, you know pretend to get their stories straight. Meanwhile she wants to trap him into agreeing with her on what happened.

I came clean about still being able to monitor my wife, however, the OM doesn't know that I can watch, therefore he shouldn't feel any need to lie. Good idea? Or too much Mission Impossible?

Hi Appleman,

I was wondering what was going on with you! Glad to hear from ya! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Has your sister seen the previous emails to your W from OM? If so, how could she still believe his lies?

As far as trapping him, I don't know what to tell you about that. One the one hand, it's important to end all contact between W and OM. But this situation is a little different because of your S and wanting to help her see the OM's true colors. If you would agree to trap him, I'd insist that you be present each and every time your W reads an email from OM or sends one to him.

jen

Hi jenateare,

Thanks for the response. I think my sister believes it and accepts it without knowing the magnitude of the situation and is in denial.

What do I do about images of my wife and this man together? I am having a horrible time this morning and feel absolutely disgusted, angry and jealous. The words she said I can get over it, but the images are just real tough today. Minus the shock and panic, I feel worse today than when I first found out.

A-man,
this is a tricky situation. here's how i would handle it.

first your W writes a no contact letter to the OM. Further she agrees to your scrutiny to enforce it. she must never contact him again for any reason at all!

second, your wife faces your sister with all the e-mails and the no contact letter as back up. you W apologizes to your sister and tells her just what she's found out about the OM.

third, i would make the information about what's been going on available to everyone in the family. EVERYONE! cousins, uncles aunts...everyone! this should be a crimp in his ability to function.

and yes, your w will suffer some embarassment but that's a small price to pay for the damage she's done and to pay off the debt she owes your sister. your sister will be angry but so what...she msut be prevented from further involvment with the is man.

just some ideas that may help.
coach

I like coach's idea. Exposure will be difficult for your W and for you, but to save your sister, the exposure is likely worth it.

Images are tough. I don't know of any special technique except forcing yourself to change the subject, if you can. Also, these images will probably fade at least a little with time, especially as you and your W restore your relationship. I wish I could offer you more useful advice.

Hang in there! I think you've done a wonderful job so far of picking up the pieces. Stay strong!

Take care and God Bless,

jen

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What do I do about images of my wife and this man together? I am having a horrible time this morning and feel absolutely disgusted, angry and jealous. The words she said I can get over it, but the images are just real tough today. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Appleman, this may hurt some, but please understand that this comes from a BS who's wife was in a 6 year affair and had scores of sex with her OM. The images are intense, even debilitating at times, especially early during the recovery process. I remember driving down twisting mountain roads having the images hit like a ton a of bricks. The pain and the tears were almost overwhelming and could easily have caused me to drive off the side of the road into oblivion. Sometimes you just have to stop driving the car. Pull off the road, and let the feeling engulf you. You have to endure sometimes while clinging to the hope of a better future and God's promises.

Know, too, that those "movies" will lessen in impact with time and with a wife who has come out of the fog and is trying to recover the marriage while dealing with her own guilt and shame. If you are at all like me, you will find that memories cannot be erased, but they can be "locked away" in a dark room in some corner of your mind, much like we lock away a lot of unpleasant memories. Be aware though, "triggers" can, and probably will, allow the closet door to open occasionally. The first few times that happens, it hits like a sledgehammer. But again, as time passes, the renewed commitment and rebuilding of love in the marriage allows stronger and stronger locks to be put on that closet. Then, only small cracks appear and they are much easier to close up and lock away again. They lose the paralyzing emotional impact that they had early on in recovery.

Study God's model for the threefold promise of forgiveness and commit to doing what you promise in granting forgiveness.

With respect to your sister, the situation is simple, though difficult and painful. You must do everything you can to present her with evidence that her fiance is NOT the sort of person to commit a lifetime to. But, and this is the really hard part, at some point SHE will have to make a decision on her own. THAT is why the lies need to be exposed NOW, not after she might get married. Lost love and hopes are painful...for a time. But a lifetime of pain and distrust and suffering is NOT a viable option if her welfare is seen as the overriding reason for whatever actions you take....based on love, not revenge or spite.

God bless. Lean on God for wisdom and strength. Bring your sister to this site or get her some good books on marriage and affairs for her to read. Emotionally your sister is in turmoil and will be for some time. Surround her with godly persons concerned about her wellbeing. Let the light of truth shine on all. Expose the wolf in sheep's clothing for all to see. Be ready for an additional tough time for you and your wife as it is probably inevitable that most within your families will learn about your wife's affair. Painful as that is, it too is recoverable from with time and a sincere commitment to submit your lives to Christ.

<small>[ August 04, 2003, 06:56 AM: Message edited by: ForeverHers ]</small>