Hello All this is my story just curious to see if anyone has any advice on the matter

I am sorry this is so long

I am 25 years old and I have been married for almost four years this November

About three months before I got married my husband to be stopped kissing me and touching me and having sex with me. Through this time I was questioning wether or not to go through with the marraige for I don't believe in divorce. My Husband to be assured me that it was stress from work and that after the marraige he would have the time and the energy to focus on us.

Our wedding day came our vows were said and the preist said now you may kiss your bride. Well I got a kiss on the cheek. Our honeymoon consisted of fighting and we3 only had sex twice. I remember one instance where he would not wke up (3:00 PM) and I was trying to wake him up and he rolled over and told me that I was a see you next tuesday and why dont you go home to your Mommy.

well anyways that was my honeymoon.

Then we got to our new home, the first night we were home and he was still on vacation he started working, (always working)

I thought we were still on our honeymoon, I was very wrong. withing two months we had not had sex everytime I would try I was denied and he never tried. Then he told me it was because I was fat and nasty I turned him off, so I believed him and went on a diet and was loosing wieght and working on myself.

Then he got a job that was traveling 5 out of 7 days a week. I told him that I did not want him to go but if it was something he needed to do for himself of course I would support him. So away he went leaving his new bride of three months alone to sleep in a cold bed and practically live alone.

Well two months later I got a bad I MEAN BAD UTI. and I had grown quite suspicious of his behavior never answering the phone at the hotel, strange cards in his wallet. so on and so fourth.

then I found out through a secret email that he had been seeing this girl for about a month having dinner with her nightly. he came home and after four days of drilling I found out they had slept together.

We talked he told me it was a bad choice he loved me and the feeling that he could loose me brought him down to reality and that he would never do it again. At that point I asked him to tell me if he had done anything else. He said no that was the only time he had EVER lied to me.

Well two weeks ago I found out that he has personal ads out there.

he has had those ads since BEFORE we were married.

What should I do?

Should I believe him now that he is willing to go to counceling (he was never willing to go before)

another thing when he is caught doing something wrong he always wants to take me on vacations and wants to start a family am I wrong for getting mad at that he only wants to give me what I want when the risk of me leaving is there

someone please help me I need some good advice

thank you so much for taking the time to read and respond

sincerely,
LynnW

<img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

DO NOT START A FAMILY WITH THIS MAN YET!!!! I KNOW YOU'RE YOUNG AND PROBABLY WANT TO, I had my two children in my late 30's so I REPEAT, do NOT HAVE CHILDREN W/THIS MAN YET!!!! Notice I say "yet" before anyone gets mad at me.

Children complicate matters even in a good marriage and they most certainly complicate matters when the marriage has problems. He starts mentioning family to string you along or maybe he does want you to get pregnant so it will take the focus off of him.

Why -- DEEP DOWN -- why do you think he went ahead and got married? Maybe it's because he knew he could treat you this way? That he'll always know you will enable him? That maybe you are overweight and so he thinks he can use this against you?

I'M SORRY BUT SAYING YOU ARE NASTY?????

How old is your H???? Why are you letting him talk to you and treat you this way??? No one deserves to be spoken to like that!

He is cheating all over the place w/you I hate to say. Whether EA or PA -- you have and have had plenty of clues!

Confront him and tell him you will not be treated this way any more. Have confidence in yourself and the fact that you DO NOT deserve to be treated this way. What do you have to lose? You certainly don't want to continue this way. Either he'll wake up and decide to work on your marriage or he'll confess and say he wants out.

There's got to be a reason why he doesn't and hasn't left you? Do you know deep down the answer to that question? Don't give up hope just realize it could go the other way -- meaning he might want an out.

Regardless, confront him and get counseling. Even if he won't go and you want to stay in this marriage, get counseling for yourself to help you deal with this.

Hey thanks for your reply

I left out that we have been working on overcomming the affair, although I did find out about the personal ads.

We have been having a normal sex life now for about 5 months, I lost 30 pounds and have kept it off and I still need to loose about 25 more pounds but ever since the wieght has come off we have been having sex about four times a month or so which is a big improvement.

As for why he married me honestly I havent a clue. Maybe it was a sense of stability which he has never had or maybe it was because he has never really felt live from anyone. I just do not know.

He was 26 when we married and now he is 30.

I would love to have children but there is no way I will bring children into our situation, it is not just the fighting that takes place but my depression and anxiety If I were to conciously bring a child into this situation I think that would be abuse seriously.

we were great friends. We were great lovers.

Something happened along the way to him. I just dont know. The comments of me being fat have stopped. He has been complimenting me more often.

but then I found out about the personal ads and that was the straw that broke the camels back.

thanks for your reply

sincerely
LynnW

I am very sorry to hear of the situation you find yourself in. I don’t think that the prognosis for your marriage is very good. But if you want, giving it a short time frame to see if it will change is something you could get some support for here.

Start by reading the material on this web site. See the link in my signature block to the Newcomer’s Welcome. Read the book “Surviving an Affair”.

It seems to me that you have very little to build on here. Your husband has not been with you emotionally since before you married. This does not bode well for you. I am sorry to be so pessimistic. I have a similar situation in that my H was having affairs through our engagement until I discovered them in the 9th month of our marriage. The biggest difference between our situations is we have always been ‘in love’ and passionate in our marriage. There is a strong connection between my H and I, always has been. The affairs have more to do with my h’s personal problems then with our relationship. We have been in a very good recovery for over 2 years since d-day.

I think in your situation your husband pulled away from you before you married and has not returned emotionally.

If I were you there is only one way I’d continue a relationship with this man. Basically he would have to end all extra martial activities, give you the passwords to all of his email/chat/etc accounts, be accountable to you for all of his time, etc. There could be no privacy in your relationship. Look up the rule of radical honesty… there should be no privacy in a marriage anyway.

It is reasonable, if the BS wishes to, to give a marriage a few weeks and a few months to recover. But you have already given this marriage 4 years.

Present to him all that you have found, tell him that you want it all on the table NOW. If you find anything on your own he has to leave and you will get a divorce.

Your husband has learned that you will put up with any bad treatment he throws at you. YOu have taught him this. It’s time you take care of you… with or with out him.

I second that motion on reading "Surviving an Affair". Read it together, do the included questionaires, discuss it. Beyond that, click on the link in my signature line. I really don't know if you can salvage a good marriage from this, but the tools in that link will give you the best chance possible.