I had a very short affair with a man that lives in another state. It lasted 5 weeks emotionally, and PA happened once, in the beginning. I realize how wrong it was and also realize how much I love my husband, and want to make it work. He says he doesn't know if he can live with the fact that I wanted another man's hands on my body, etc. He asks me "How do you expect me to live with that, and to move on with you?" I know that I love him, and want to make our marriage work. We've been married 10 years and have 2 children. Our marriage was very rocky to begin with. He claims anything that happened up until this point is repairable, but this is not. So, how do I respond to something like that. He hasn't left or given up, but he says he can't live with it. I'm helpless and at a loss for what to do. Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated.

soccer7

soccer the Recovery board is much more active for those trying to rebuild their marriages.

Plenty of posters at varying stages of recovery can help you understand what they went thru and maybe that can help you get thru it too.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">soccer7:

"He claims anything that happened up until this point is repairable, but this is not. So, how do I respond to something like that. He hasn't left or given up, but he says he can't live with it. I'm helpless and at a loss for what to do. Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated."</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Do not try to persuade him to give the marriage another chance because he will only react with further statements like those. Consider instead telling him calmly and quietly that you understand why he feels that the marriage is not repairable and that you will not stop him if he decides to file for divorce (leave him alone to ponder your words). When the pressure is off, many BS and WS start to reconsider their words of ending the marriage, and start taking baby steps to marital recovery. Remember that words are meaningless unless they are accompanied by actions to support them.

Well, you've come to the right place. Wish my W were here looking for help for me.

I would read up on the Marriage Builders main site, all of the information that you can. Formulate a plan and go to work on it.

Learn how to express love (emotional needs) for one another and keep doing so. All you can do is try and at least you're willing to do that. So many other people aren't.

Bring him here and ask him to click on the link in my signature line and read it. I did not know if I could stay married to my wife, either, and she was unfaithful for THREE YEARS. If he does, it will be the hardest thing he has ever done. But, it is possible.

Soccer,
Give it time. Right now he is angry. Angry at you for what you did, angry at himself for letting it happen or not seeing the signs first. I was in the same boat. My W had several ONS and one short lived A. I suspected, but really did nothing to stop it. After DDay... I could not even look at her. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> I was physically sick to my stomach just being near her. BUT.. I still loved her. I did not want anyone else. I was confused. Many times I went in to the bedroom and started to pack my bags, but I just could not do it. I just loved her too much, even after what she did. It is 14 months post DDAY. We are still together and things are better now. We are even expecting our first child in Dec. BUT it took a long time before I trusted her again. Also she had to endure plenty of temper tantrums and outbursts. Personally I dont subscribe to the Love Busting theory. I feel that if I want to rant and rage then by all means I am going do it. I certianly earned the right do to her irresponsibility and selfishness. Life is full of Karma, and you reap what you sow. Just think of it as penance for a bad deed. So if he gets a little angry and throws tantrums, try to understand it. You may not like it, but you are not supposed to. In time it will get better. Sometimes it is quicker than others. It took me about a year before I really started trusting her, but she was willing to go through it. Now we are happy again and we communicate about everything and mostly are in love again.

good luck to you!

<small>[ August 04, 2003, 03:34 PM: Message edited by: Madnav ]</small>

dear SM,
lets face it. your H is angry and hurt and with good reason. however, the facts are that we can't go back and change what's already been done...we can only go forward and try to make things better then they are.

if it were me i would be writing letters and sending him e-mails daily...trying to re-afirm my love and aknowledging the stupidity of my error. i would be making no excuses. i would instead be asking him for his ideas as to what he needs from you to make thigs right. if you can at least get him thinking in that direction then i think you will have a chance.

good luck.
coach

Soccer,

Love is a powerful force, true, genuine love! (I Corinthians 13). Your honesty and humility also gone a lone way. Try to understand his pain. He does have options, but the genuine expression of love and humility will influence his decisions. I am longing for my wife to be honest with me about her A. Honesty is a critical ingredient of love. As Dr. Harley states in "Surviving An Affair", rebuilding trust will require radical honesty. Remember that love and trust are two different things. Your husband still loves you, but his trust for you has been seriously damaged. So as your affirm your love, also seek to rebuild trust. May The Lord bless your efforts.

My wife revealed her affair several months ago and I've lived ALL the emotions associated with the discovery. Even though she ended it long before telling me, the damage is done and there's NOTHING that will restore the marriage to what it was. IMHO, the betrayal is something that can not be "fixed" and will be there forever. Time will lessen the pain but your course of action has changed your life, his life, and others you don't even realize right now.

I hope it works out for you but accept that your relationship has changed forever.

JMHO,

Pegasus