All,
Before you blast me <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> on the word "get" in my subject line, I could not find the appropriate word, or it would be too long.

I have gained a lot of valuable insight from several members, both answering my threads and from reading/replying to other members' threads. I think/feel/hope that my W could get some good support from this site as well. How do I introduce her to this site w/o coming off as controlling? I had told her about HNHN and I would get her a copy and she started screaming at me.

Thanks,
TTSMM

<small>[ July 25, 2003, 08:05 AM: Message edited by: tryingTOsaveMYmarriage ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by tryingTOsaveMYmarriage:
<strong>All,
Before you blast me <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> on the word "get" in my subject line, I could not find the appropriate word, or it would be too long.

Thanks,
TTSMM</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">uummm...
"encourage"?

Gosh, when you answer that question, would you pass it along to me. I am a BS and my H is so in the FOG and in denial that I am patiently waiting for the day that I can "lovingly" "encourage" him to visit MB.

Best of luck to you, TTSMM
2nd

2nd,
With your reply in mind, I have changed the name of topic. Thanks. Keep checking this post out and see if I get answer.
TTSMM

And, TTSMM,
I will do the same for you, as best I can.
Glad I could be of some help.
xo
2nd

Obviously, you can't make her. You could tell her there is a site you know of where she could find support from people who are experiencing the same things as her. Tell her it's different from other sites. Somehow here the people aren't ridiculous like they are on other boards.

I am sure the prospect of support will be a pull. I certainly looked all over to find someone who had lived through what I was living and when I came here I was so releived.

Maybe you can email her something you think would touch her from this site.

Good luck.

Take the time to fill out an emotional needs questionnaire. You emotional needs. Tell her that you WANT to meet hers, but cannot until you know what they are.

In "encouraging" her; avoid words like "me" and "I think"; e.g., "I think you need to read the things on this site (etc)." Instead, try the indirect approach, "I am concerned about where you are emotionally and want to do something to help you." Or "I have done a lot to hurt you and want to do something to overcome that." See the difference?

If she seems receptive to that, then you can tell her that your new insights have been driven from your reading and experiences here.

She resists taking the help you offer, because it was YOU that caused her the hurt; and at this point, her trust is shattered.

All you can do is treat her according to the MB principles. If she gives you the time, and your efforts are total and sincere, hopefully she will give you a second chance (as Zorweb did for me). But you must also be aware, that it may be her choice that she cannot risk her emotional self further: it is totally her choice.

However, I hope she does offer you that opporunity, and you both can find the hope, support and inspiration here that you both will need.

Godspeed,

STL

I think you have to demonstrate your willingness to change and newly gained understanding of the whole situation to her before she may trust you.

"Actions speak louder then words"

After you start gaining her trust back, maybe inform her a little here and there of how you've come to these realizations, what you've learned, what you plan on changing and eventually show her you have a plan to make your marriage even better then it was before.

I did something a bit manipulative yesterday. No it was manipulative. At the house I used our computer to read my email and postings. I added a favorite for the MB forums. I figured, if she saw it she might visit the site. By snooping around in the past, is how she figured I was having an A, so... I thougth by leaving the favorite on the PC she would visit and find some support. She doesn't use the PC that much anyway (justification).
Bad move? <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> , it's very difficult to keep my patience.

STL,
I would really appreciate it if you read my thread in my signature and gave me your insights; having been there/done that/and in recovery. Your W, has been a tremendous help and I feel you would be as well.

TTSMM

TTSMM:

I will do that later this evening. Time for me to rack up a good chuck of the 15 hours with Zorweb. ;-) ... But I will read your previous thread and post to you.

Godspeed,
STL

Maybe buy some books from MB Books and start reading them while she's around. Maybe you can take a break during your reading and ask her an open ended question like "What are the biggest areas you think I need to work on for our marriage? Because there are x amount of EN's for everyone and usually the top 5 are the most important. I want to make sure I know what those are." Or even tell her something you just learned.

Then leave the books or print outs of questionaires (even fill yours out maybe) sitting out while you aren't around so it can spark her curiousity and maybe she'll take a peak when she doesn't think you're looking?

TTSMM:

I have read the other thread. And after musing some, would suggest this: start a Plan A right now and stick to it. No lovebusting. Absolutely none.

Is it hard? Oh definitely.

While you would like her to derive the same benefit as you are from Marriagebuilders, don't push the issue at the moment. As your Plan A moves forward, and as she senses the changes in you, she will become curious. Trust me, it is human nature <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> .

You have a lot of work to do as well. You have to become the most incredible husband ever (in her eyes). That is what Plan A is about. You meet her needs so fully, that she will forever wonder why she strayed in the first place.

Rosy picture, eh? All right then, time for a dose of reality. Plan A does not always work. For that we have Plan B. That does not always work either. But it has a better percentage of success than doing absolutely nothing. However, here is one heartening note: no matter the marital outcome, that you will become a better person is without question.

So Plan A is a win/win solution. For you. And for her if you implement it successfully.

It is imperative that you read Surviving an Affair and His Needs, Her Needs, if you have not already. (Sorry my brain is a bit mushy after all that reading, and to be honest, I am too lazy at the moment to go back and reread <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" /> ). Once you read them, you must live by them.

I can see from the posts that her fears of your (perceived) sexual addition are a concern to her. Consider installing monitoring software such as Starr ( Iopus ) on your computer. Tell her she can have a copy of the reports at any time. [In fact, they can even be emailed to her as they are generated. Note: that includes anything you post here. But, then that affords you the opportunity to explain to her the concept of radical honesty.] You can at least show that you are not perusing pornographic Web sites or IM-type chats. I think you have seen the harmful effect of that behavior on the marriage from what you have said.

On the issue of moving back into the house. Yes, from a legal standpoint, it makes eminent sense. From a relationship standpoint ... that is a bit touchy. If you can do it in a way that does not lovebust, sure. Better still if you can convince her via Plan A, and she requests that you move in to work on the marriage.

Were it me, I would move back in, and here is why: the children. You are not only looking out for your (legal) interests, you need to look after their interests (legal and emotional). They are hurt and confused, and in some ways probably feel as if their world is crumbling around them ... they need every shred of reassurance of some semblance of stability that they can get.

If you must present a "case" to your wife, that is the one to hang your hat on: that it is in the children's best interests. For as much as you and your wife may be emotionally suffering, they are suffering far worse ... without ANY understanding of why. Anything you and your wife do to mitigate emotional harm to them is worth compromise.

I hope my words have been of some help, and I wish your family
Godspeed
STL

<small>[ July 26, 2003, 05:37 PM: Message edited by: SeenTheLight ]</small>

STL,
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> While you would like her to derive the same benefit as you are from Marriagebuilders, don't push the issue at the moment. As your Plan A moves forward, and as she senses the changes in you, she will become curious. Trust me, it is human nature .
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If you read my other thread, Spinning my wheels you will see that instead of being curious, she was suspcious. She feels I am slithering my way back into her life.

Also, from that thred, I'm sure I did a lot of LBing.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> You have a lot of work to do as well. You have to become the most incredible husband ever (in her eyes). That is what Plan A is about. You meet her needs so fully, that she will forever wonder why she strayed in the first place.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">She strayed because I strayed first, five years ago. She suspected. I fessed up 1.5 years ago. I am not yelling at you, but, many members keep thinking (my assumption) that I am the BS. Her EA doesn't bother me as much as my having the PA bothers me. Is her EA over, I believe so. Did it go PA, I don't know - there are signs that it did, and she denies it. She has always told the truth, except on the witness stand during hte TRO hearing. I always felt that she should have an A to ven the score. SICK SICK SICK. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

IAM SO %&^%(* confused <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> that I can't think straight.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Rosy picture, eh? All right then, time for a dose of reality. Plan A does not always work. For that we have Plan B. That does not always work either. But it has a better percentage of success than doing absolutely nothing. However, here is one heartening note: no matter the marital outcome, that you will become a better person is without question.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">With her nonsense, I feel like going to Plan B right now. SHe wants to know why I am being so nice to her? Well, you're asking me for things; for me to help you, and I'm volunteering my support as well.

I feel I should tell her, of course I am trying to save the marriage. I still love you and I want ot make things work.
Isn't this RADICAL HONESTY???

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> For as much as you and your wife may be emotionally suffering, they are suffering far worse ... without ANY understanding of why. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">They, at least our D, has a good understnading why. My W has practically told her that I had an affair. She's already told her to let her know if Daddy touches her in a strange way. Our D is 7.5 years old.


I can't do this anymore tonight.

Back to work.

TTSMM

TTSMM:

I know you were the WS before. The fact of the matter is that she is now. That you were before only adds a definite kink in all this.

She is not ready for MB as long as she thinks you are forcing it on her. She will get curious about it WHEN she sees substantive change in you. That is what she will see from an effective Plan A. To Plan A properly, you cannot lovebust.

Work slowly, patiently, and try to fulfill her needs without conflict. Find out from her what those needs are; not necessarily the ones you perceive.

It is a long, difficult road to recovery: I will give you no false illusions in that regard. But it is a road well worth walking if you are doing it together.

As for becoming a better person: if you live by the MB principles and adopt them fully into your lifestyle, you will be.

Radical honesty goes beyond truth-telling. It also means providing a safe haven--the proper environment--where truth, care, her safety and trust exist. So honest as you might currently be, there is room for growth.

As a matter of fact, there always is. I try to grow in some measure every day. Even after two years, I must guard against complacency and work to protect my marriage using the MB precepts. They work ... but only if they are worked at.

Godspeed,
STL

Sad news. My W called me at work an hour ago. She told me that she finished talking to her lawyer's asst and that tonight, at home, I was going to be served D papers. THIS IS THE DARKEST DAY OF MY LIFE! I am NOT thinking about suicide or anything like that. I said several 'Our Father's' to get myself through. I have a terrible pain in my stomach and my hands are trembling. "Thy Will be Done!" is all I keep saying. How do I act when I get home? How do I react when this stranger comes to my home and serves me the papers? GOD HELP ME!

TTSMM