I am on the verge of the final divorce proceedings after having been physically separated from my WW for about 10 months. Gradually the details of all her A's has come light. It is a sorry tail of flirtations to downright full blown affairs. All the time I blindly trusted her, instinctively giving her a free hand to persue her extramural activities, looking after the kids in the evenings, doing the cooking - basically plan A'ing up a storm. Now, 3 months after I have moved out, her BF left her and she tearfully asked me to forgive her, having been downright nasty and telling me that I would have to cope with an open marriage if I was trying to stay.

I accepted that I would have to rebuil my life and started to do so. Now, just before the finalisation of a court date for the D, she suddenly bombarded me with messages that she loves me so and that she does not want the marriage to end.

I admit that I did not meet some critical emotional needs. This could be used to justify the string of A's and almost A's. Even during our dating she sometimes went out with other men.

My concern is, was it me who caused her to have all the EA's or is she basically a love risk with unresolved personal emotional issues. Anyone with suggestions for how to make sure that I'm not setting myself up for another disaster with her?

bobcat,

Could she be trusted ... NOPE. Trust it given and over time !. She has to be accountable for her time/money, no questions about it until she earn you trust back. Could she remain faithfull ? ... who know, it is her choice the same with it is your choice to end M.

You have kids ... IMVHO, you have no choice but to try your M. I have seen how Dv destroyed many young lifes.

I would delay the Dv for now,say 6 months, call MB and get conseling. It is way cheaper than your Dv financial settlement.

-rh-

The path to recovery is in many ways the same for everyone, and yet each is unique. The one thing that I would guess from what you wrote, is that if you want to recover, you will need to put a little more effort into the WHY of the affairs than most people. Other than that emphasis, your recovery path should be pretty typical. Click on the link in my signature line to find out more.

As for the specific trust question: yes, you can trust her again - IF - she demonstrates she is trustworthy for an extended period of time (as in several years.) Believe her actions, not her words.

Oh, yeah. Unmet emotional needs do not justify an affair. Nothing justifies an affair.

BC,
is sounds like your soon to be ex-W behaved very badly indeed. but let's be honest here...you contibuted to the situation but not confronting the problem...

what i mean is that while it was she who did the dirt, i can't believe that she was having multiple affairs with out you having some indication that something was dreadfully wrong. yet, you didn't confront her with your concerns...why?

be that as it may, to drop the divorce action now would be sending your W the totally wrong meassage. she can't fix a problem of this magnitude with a simple "i'm sorry...and please take me back..." my G-D, she gave you and ultimatum..."live with an open marriage or leave!?"

look...i'm sure that you love her and would like to be married to her BUT letting the divorce go forward doesn't mean that still can't happen.

will it make its happening more difficult for both of you? YES! but is that a bad thing? it sounds like you two both took so much for granted the first time around...maybe now you two will realize how much work it takes to make a real marriage. and if you decide to get back together, then it will be because you both really want it rather then a last minute stop gap measure.

good luck.
coach

Thank you for you support people. I wish I knew of the existence of this site when the bomb burst last year. It would certainly have helped me to make much better informed decisions at a critical time of the process.

What I must also tell you is that I have one big concern about my WW. She has a brother who has been diagnosed with bipolar affection. He is on medication for it. I am worried that she may also be affected by it in a mild degree. The way she behaved for the 6 months prior to the breakup was not indicatave of a very responsible or emotionally clever person. She suddenly started playing squash and revelled in the attention from all and sundry of the oposite sex. At about that time her last affair began. I let her be because I wanted her to be happy but did start to get suspicious. I was way too trusting actually. I just did not figure that me or my W would ever be involved in an A. It just was not part of the way I was brought up. She usually stayed out till way past the children's bedtime. After she indicated to me that she wanted a divorce because she is afraid she might land up in an A, I really tried to figure out whith her what I could do to make myself more acceptable. I was treated with absolute disdain. Her affair ended just before she told me she wanted I D so that she could actually go on and start a new relationship with somebody else at her club, 15 years older than herself. When that person left her 3 months later, she was devastated and wanted to restore the marriage. BUT by that time I realised that I had to preserve myself and started a new relationship myself with a wonderfull woman with whom I still am. If I had more information on the subject I probably would not have moved on so fast myself, but that is the situation right now almost 12 months after WW indicated she wants a D.

This is complicated for me. Out of loyalty I would like to stop the D proceedings and try to reconcile. There is however no reason for me, other than preserving my M, to break off my current relationship. We are already cohabitating and I think that there is an excellent chance that we will succeed in creating a blended family. I have a S and D, she has D, almost the same age as my D. Our children are really getting along very well. THEN, on top of this, is my concern that my WW might have an emotional problem which influnces her judgement at times.

The idea that both my GF and I might be able to make our former marriages work again given all the new knowledge that I got during the past 6 months about A's, relationships, etc. is appealing. But, am I just on a guilt trip? Why should I wreck a perfectly good relationship now for a chance of restoring my M.

This whole situation may sound perplexing to you. It basically boils down to: I am concerned about my WW's emotional stability (have not got absolute certainty though), and I am concerned that I will blow an excellent chance for future happiness for myself if I break my current relationship and start reconciling with my WW again. It is not easy to find someone new, especially someone who will be OK with your kids.

I would greatly appreciate any constructive advice, criticism and comments. I post here bacause I think that the people here at MB has got excellent insight and experiences. Last year, for example, I thought an Affair automatically meant the M is dead and that a person having an A is basically a slut. After having read much of the material at MB, I am of a totally different opinion.

I think your wife may be bipolar or at least have some mood swings that might not qualify as full blown bipolar. This behavior is frequently seen with affairs, spending, bursts of creativity and then at least one bout of depression ? within 1-2 years.

Why should you give her a second chance?

1. You are married and you have honored your vow.

2. So that in 10 years you can look at your kids and say I did everything I possibly could to save my marriage.

3. You could have a better marriage than ever if this behavior is addressed. You make the rules, namely MC, a visit to a psychiatrist.

Do you still love her? I still love my husband even though he went thru a period when he treated me like dirt. There was a lot of love before that and much more after that. As I have always said, let he who is without sin be the first to throw a stone.

About trust...no, you can't trust her. You really can't trust anyone. Your spouce needs to earn your trust and that is going to be nearly impossible, but maybe that is OK. I for one will never be that stupid again. But can you still have a good marriage? Yes, I believe you can, but this is not the easy road. If you had no children I might say walk away if you have no love left. You have kids, it is worth it just for them.

Whatever you choose to do is understandable. You have been thru a lot, but why not give it one more try? Then you will know for sure. I take my vow's very seriously, and I bet you do too.

JMHO

BC,
others here may disagree with me, so before going forward with my comments i would like to remind all that this site is called marriage builders, not marraige savers.

as for your situation, given your apparent attitude, i would advise you to let the matter drop and go on with the D.

you just don't sound passionate about saving your marraige. in fact you don't seem to care about it very much at all. and that's OK! her recent behavior could easily kill the love in any relationship! and to be frank, to make a marraige work is hard enough...if you're not truly motivated well...and then there's the emotional baggage that she's created! NO SIR...

so, if you don't really care either way, let it go and hope that she will find a better life with some one else as you hope to do with the lady your with now.

good luck.
coach

i would like to remind all that this site is called marriage builders, not marraige savers.

Very good. And since he is married, why shouldn't he try to build his marriage?

Thank you Coach and New Yersey

New Yersey, I think I can make my M work if I have the cooperation of my FWW. She certainly is feeling depressed right now. We are communicating a lot through emails. The past weekend the kids were with us (me and my GF). She is changeing jobs again, ostensibly for a better salary. What you described is true: bouts of frantic activity followed by depression. She suddenly started to play squash and absolutely revelled in it. During that period she really acted as though I did not even exist and literally lived for her squash. Then she started Karate too. I tried to be part of her live by trying to practice with her, trying to go to the sport functions with her but she wouldn't hear of it. When I commented on her sexy sportsgear she said: "Yea, just a pity it isn't meant for your eyes." That's the time when she had the affair and she really, really treated me like dirt. I often wandered downtown during lunchtime breaks and wondered why on earth she was treating me like that. At home I was doing everything in my power that a supportive hubby could possibly do with the instincts and knowledge that I had at the time: cooking meals, putting the kids to bed, cleaning up, waiting up for her to come home from squash, giving her body massages, serving her favourite sports drinks in the moring before I go off to work... (OK, enough rambling)

About a month or two ago, I was suggesting that we reconcile. She sort of liked the idea, but just when I was making plans to take the big step, she stopped me. Monday morning, after she bombarded me with emails of how she want to learn to love me, I told her that it really is an enticing idea to try to reconcile. I told her that it was going to be a process. I am still very much tied to my GF to whom I promised my allegiances after I accepted that my M was over. Then the tone of her emails got a note of dispair. Instead of sympathy and plans, she just sends short messages like: "I did not say I love you, I said I WANT to LEARN to love you." or "Time will tell", or "I started dreaming about us and the children... And that I can go on again. I WILL ANYWAY BE ABLE TO GO ON AGAIN. THATS NOT THE MAIN ISSUE" or "If you don't believe in my sincerety when I tell you that I want to love you again and put you first in my live... there's nothing that I can do about it"

I am seriously trying to assess what is going on in her mind here. Once bitten, twice shy... and with good reason I think. Can any of you make out the gist of her messages? Is she really concerend about us or only about her future wellfare? If she was really concerned about me, wouldn't she address my fears and concerns with more understanding and consideration?

New Yersey, I do not know how much she loved me during our M. She said to me at some stage that matters in bed really were something that she did not like. She forced herself to do it because we were married after all.

My take on this: I think she must really address my concerns too. I get the feeling that she brushes off my concerns too easily and start with fingerpointing. I think I should raise my concerns with her in a serious, objective way. I am concerned that she is making commitments and expressing desires based on feelings of uncertainty or depression that might change again in 3 months time.

Do you think I am just overcautios? Thank you all MBs for your time and constructive opinions so far. I really appreciate it.

I get the feeling that I must raise my concerns with my FWW and work out a plan with her. I loved her dearly and was absolutely dumbstruck by her beaviour, her decision to cast me off and everything that emerged afterwards. She even experimented with lesbian sex - only once though.

I wanted to be married to a sensible girl who love and respect me and whom I love and respect. I just wonder if she is capable of being sensible.

I thing the lithmus test must be: I must be able to raise my concerns with her without she brushing them off the table. She must be willing to work out a plan with me for 1. Reconcilliation and 2. What we are going to do if I suspect something nasty is going on again. I will never by so stupid and trusting again. If I get a wihf of an affair again, or if I feel uncomfortable with a relationship she has with somebody of the opposite sex, she must abide by the rules of radical honesty and be accountable for every second and dollar spent.

I think if she is not willing to work with me on this, we certainly will hit trouble again sooner rather than later. This is because if I have a concern and she haven't agreed to the principles of radical honesty and enthusiastic agreement, mistrust will be the result which will lead to recriminations, contempt and thoughts and threats of divorce AGAIN. Am I right here people. Any constuctive criticism, comments, thoughts. Please.

I do not want to look back for the rest of my life and think: "I could have saved that marriage"

If I could share just another thaught with you: This whole Project(?) feels as if I'm riding safely in an aeroplane and have to decide whether to jump out or not, not knowing if I can trust my parachute which has given me problems in the past.

I hear you. The bottom line is do you love her enough to try again. Will she see a doctor? Will she commit to try everything? If the answer is yes, then I'd give it a try.

Is she acting this way because you have moved on with your life?

Remember, MB suggests that you do not date for a period of time, and esp. not until the divorce is final. You really have given up already by starting a new relationship before the divorce. Some might see that as having an affair. No flame intended, just trying to makea a point.

Maybe you have already made up your mind.

Do you love her enough to try again?

I have to admit that I am catholic and see marriage as a life long thing, even if he left I could not remarry because of my faith.

Further knews:

I emailed my W and told her that she must understand that I have concerns too that cannot just be wiped off the table. I also copied the article on how to restore love to her for in case she haven't yet looked in yet the MB site.

In short: she sent me a spate of short flaming emails back, all have the following tone:
"The problem in our M was not conflict.

I was married to the wrong man.
I had the financial upperhand. (She inherited some money.) You (me) just sat on your *ss and said that we are on track for our retirement. Then you buy expensive food without making an effort to earn extra money (I am an engineer, earning an engineer's sallary. I can look after myself in this regard.) or to earn extra money to improve the house (just before separation we overhauled the pool, we painted the house completely, we installed an air conditioner, we bought dining room table and chairs.....) Then you buy expensive food, moan if I (her) gets garden services, moan about the housekeeper, refuse to mow the lawn if you (I) don't feel like it.

If you put in an effort I (her) would have had time to attend to the kids and you (me)!!

In the meantime you were fretting about money while you buy expensive food!!

You got a home that was paid by me(her)!! Good grief!!

I envied my neighbour from day 1 because her husband put in so much effort to spruce up their home ..

I always wanted to stay in a beautifull home.
I revenged by allowing the dogs into the house...etc..."

and then some more emails:
"I am going to look for a man who is beautifull, attractive and with a LOT of money.
And if I don't find him, I will do without one.
Daniel (pseudonym) is there for sex if I need it.
So.....go to hell"

And the very next email: "So I will have to compromise too much".

Then she sent this: "I won't give up on you. When I handed the wedding ring over to you on Saturday it felt as if my heart would break. I sometimes wished I could just hold you and hug and hug... And cry my heart out on your shoulder for everything that has happened"

What now?

I am all for saving a marriage, but two people need to work at it. Sounds like she is still in the fog.

I don't know if you can just delay and stay in Plan B moving ahead in your life...I just don't know what to say. Seems to me it's not you. She has issues.

Bobcat,

From what you have posted your W is one very very sick lady. The methods used here will NOT help restore this marriage. Only serious counseling and perhaps medication may help. I don't know.

If she won't get help, and you should strongly suggest it, then I fear you have nothing to build upon.

I also think the presence of your GF is not helping your decision making process. I think that your relationship with her is compromised because you are running from your marriage and the abuse in it. I would strongly recommend that you back out of that relationship and wait for the D to be final.

Then give it a few months and see where you are, and if your W has addressed her situation.

I am afrain, that she does have serious issues. IF I am right, you really won't be able to address the marriage until they are addressed by your W, and she may have to hit bottom before she does.

You might want to read or talk with TooMuchCoffeeMan. His first W had big issues and it was only after their divorce that she decided to address them.

I am sorry I am not very hopeful, but as much as I would like to see a marriage survive, I feel that if the issues are as you state, you marriage cannot unless and until she gets help.

God Bless,

JL

Bobcat, my heartfelt sympathies go out to you and your family during this most difficult time.

Just Learning is right (he usually is you know <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> ) in that your W is one sick lady and until she realizes this and seeks out treatment, your marriage will not only not get better but it will grow worse as time goes by. As JL said, my first W had serious emotional issues from her past that had not been resolved by the time we got married. Unfortunately I was not aware of these issues and as time went by and we had two daughters, her behavior deteriorated to the point of becoming blatantly promiscuous and a neglectful parent. I pleaded, threatened, negotiated, even bribed her to get treatment but all to no avail as she was too far gone to even recognize that she had a problem. Eventually my love for her died and I divorced her (I got custody of our two daughters) BUT a few months later, she finally crashed and burned, attempted suicide, was put in a mental institution by her brother, got treatment, and was released. Today you would not recognize this woman from the woman I was married to. She got a job, an apartment and the court gave her regular visitation rights with our daughters. Although it is already too late for us since I am now married to another woman, I am happy for my daughters that their mother is back from the land of the dead. What is my point in all of this? That you cannot help your stbxw until she realizes that she's got a serious problem and takes the necessary steps to resolve it. She can promise you the moon but until she resolves her issues, you would be wise to say to her 'no thank you'.

Bobcat I have to tell you that you are engaging in dishonesty with your GF if you do not tell her about your lingering love for your stbxww. She deserves to know the truth so she can decide whether to continue her relationship with you or decide to move on until all of your feelings towards your stbxww are finally resolved. Don't use her just to avoid being lonely, for that is truely one of the cruelest things a human being can do to another. If you care for her then be honest with her and let her decide.

<small>[ July 30, 2003, 04:12 PM: Message edited by: T00MuchCoffeeMan ]</small>

Hi all

TooMuchCoffeeMan and JL have a point. When I courted my wife, one of the things that attracted me to her was her vulnerability. At the time it seemed as if life has been unkind to her and my urge to protect and nurture kicked in. There were issues from her childhood: when she was still young her mother died and her father, helped by some of her aunts, raised her. Her father later remarried and she had constant fights with one of her stepsisters, had an intimate relationship with one of her stepbrothers who was later killed in a car accident just before she finished school, apparently one of her step uncles sexually abused her. I thought that we could build a future together and overcome the past.

I think I am in the same position as TooMuchCoffeMan then. When my stbxWW told me last year that she thinks that she wants a divorce, I really pleaded and tried but was rebuffed with almost pathological cynicism. She told me flat out one evening that I could try to stay married but then she would have PA's with other men and she would see to it that I don't even know about it. One afternoon when I took leave from work to talk things over with her, she told me that she once had sex with somebody. I was stunned. Her sole purpose with this was not to come clean but to make me hate her and leave her. It was at that time that I told myself that I had to face the fact that the unthinkable was forced upon me: I have lost my family. I had to accept that and move on for the sake of self-preservation. I knew nothing of "the fog" or MB principles or anything on how to treat or survive affairs at the time. So I moved on. Too soon maybe but that is what happened. The Marriage Councillor that I employed in my panic also advised her to take her kids, move out and go and be happy. She had vistas of a nice life with her new boyfriend where they would start a new surfing school. He (Daniel) pretended to be a successful businessman but later turned out to just live from hand to mouth. Later, even this MC told me that she thought my WW would need at least some form of therapy.

Now, I am in a new relationship. My girlfriend has other ideas about child raising than my wife. I think she is much more mature in this regard. Something else that bothers me about my stbxWW is that she doesn't think much of it to appear naked in front of our 8 year old son. He is 9 years old now. She even bathed with him one evening last year and locked the bathroom door while our 5-year-old D was crying outside, trying to get in. Am I mistaken here when I think that it is totally inappropriate for a mother to bath with her 8-year-old son? I am not trying to belittle her; I am raising genuine concerns.

When I stand back and look at the situation, I think I could have saved the marriage back then if I had the knowledge that I have now. I think I could save the marriage now if I haven't had a GF. I would need my W's full cooperation though. She undertook to stop going out alone, or do the things that could jeopardise our relationship in the future. I think my stbxW now realises that she searched in the wrong places for solutions. We all make mistakes - me too. She undertook to treat me well and TRY to love me. I think she will not accept that she may have a mood problem. She is very ashamed of her brother's problem and to tell her that she should go for evaluation will freak her out (my opinion). In my experience she is touchy, capable of emotional outbursts, while I have to hang back and absorb it all, trying to keep things on an even keel.

I totally agree with TooMuchCoffeeMan, not telling my GF about my lingering doubts is cruel. I want to resolve this situation now. Preserve my M - giving my children a whole home again, or keep moving on. I think my son is fine but my daughter misses the unity of a whole family. She is 6 years old now. The bottom line is: I am not sure how my W will turn out in the future with all her issues. She is a complicated woman with whom I have never experienced a lot of real intimacy and closeness. Our relationship was always "loose", we did not crowd each other but I liked to share my feelings and experiences with her. I liked to hold her but when I think back, I can't remember that she ever told me "I love you". My current GF can't have enough of me. I have never seen anybody so in love. She keeps herself neat and sexy especially for me. I watched "For your eyes only" the other night. In the end where the girl said to James Bond: "For your eyes only, darling" it could just as well have been my GF telling it to me. She absolutely lives for me. She even looks like that Bond-girl. She IS BEAUTIFULL. She comforts my D when she is unhappy, she has much stricter discipline with the children, seeing to it that they are neat and tidy, with good manners towards others - things that me and my W sadly neglected. She will be good for my kids. I know that.

I cannot bring myself to totally trust my W's feelings. I don't even know if she dares to trust her own feelings. I am very scared of calling my current relationship off and try the thorny road to reconciliation. We are really building a little nest now - painting the rooms, getting new duvet covers for my son, putting in bookshelves - I am a sucker for books. I am considering my W's pleas because it is hard to turn away from a call for help, especially if the person calling is your own spouse. In the new relationship I am getting all of my needs met, and trying hard to meet my GF's needs in return. I want to give her security the security that she deserves, get the D finished. When my WW's boyfriend left her in December she came pleading with me. I was already in a new established relationship with my new GF. We were so happy and lucky to have found each other.

I think, with all the issues around my WW, it is better for me, and maybe even for the children, to go through with the divorce. I would have needed my W’s full cooperation on matters concerning me and, judging from past experience, I don’t think I will always have it. We have already agreed on joint custody. Even this undertaking is a difficult one; always the issues of custody as far as the children are concerned, and trying to establish a blended family. I learned that a blended family, again, is a major predictor for divorce. This is not easy.

So yes, here is what I am going to do. First, I have already accepted right at the beginning that my M is dead. I set about rebuilding my life with a vengeance. I met my current GF, we bought a home and started out together. As far as all was concerned, I was only technically still married. Then my WW hit rocky times and tried to reconcile. I was almost in the same position as TMCoffeeMan at this stage. Second, I am therefore going through with the D, and accept that my current course of action is going to be difficult as well as the alternative; stays married and work at the M. I am much wiser now and resolve never to be as complacent again. Third, learn about the pitfalls of blended families and discuss it with my GF. I am sure I will get her full cooperation in this. Do everything in my power to make it as easy for the children as possible.

What do you think TMCoffeeMan? How did your kids handle the divorce situation? Did they miss their mother? How did you feel about that? What did you do about it? Do you also have a blended family? Anybody else who can comment on this?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think, with all the issues around my WW, it is better for me, and maybe even for the children, to go through with the divorce. I would have needed my W’s full cooperation on matters concerning me and, judging from past experience, I don’t think I will always have it. We have already agreed on joint custody. Even this undertaking is a difficult one; always the issues of custody as far as the children are concerned, and trying to establish a blended family. I learned that a blended family, again, is a major predictor for divorce. This is not easy.

So yes, here is what I am going to do. First, I have already accepted right at the beginning that my M is dead. I set about rebuilding my life with a vengeance. I met my current GF, we bought a home and started out together. As far as all was concerned, I was only technically still married. Then my WW hit rocky times and tried to reconcile. I was almost in the same position as TMCoffeeMan at this stage. Second, I am therefore going through with the D, and accept that my current course of action is going to be difficult as well as the alternative; stays married and work at the M. I am much wiser now and resolve never to be as complacent again. Third, learn about the pitfalls of blended families and discuss it with my GF. I am sure I will get her full cooperation in this. Do everything in my power to make it as easy for the children as possible.

What do you think TMCoffeeMan? How did your kids handle the divorce situation? Did they miss their mother? How did you feel about that? What did you do about it? Do you also have a blended family? Anybody else who can comment on this? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What do I think? I fully understand your reasons for wanting to divorce your W especially the skepticism with regards to your stbxw acknowledging that she has serious emotional problems and committing herself to get treatment to resolve them. As I said before, until those two things happen with your stbxw, the marriage will only get worse and worse as time goes by. Unfortunately, your stbxw, like my xw, will probably have to hit rock bottom until she wakes up and realizes how messed up she is. With people with unresolved emotional issues like my xw had and your stbxw has, sometimes divorce can be a positive thing.

How did my kids handle the divorce? My daughters were 8 and 11 years old when my divorce became finalized. My oldest fully understood we were divorced and realized why (her mother's behavior had become extremely blatant) but she was hurting because she knew that her mother was not well and worried about what might happen to her. I took her to a child psychologist who helped her understand that it was very normal for her to feel concern for her mother and that her dad (moi) also was concerned for her mom. But he also told her that her mom was a grown up that could not be forced to accept treatment if she didn't want it. It was up to her mom to want to get better and accept treatment to make her a healthy person once more. It took about six months before my oldest daughter was able to make peace with the truth behind the psychologist message. As far as my youngest daughter was concerned, she did not seem to be affected by the aftermath of my divorce, and I was puzzled as to why this was. The child psychologist told me that it could be due to a combination of factors such as her personality (she's very extroverted and playful), shorter mother/daughter shared history (unlike my oldest daughter), and her emotional dependance on her older sister as a surrogate mother of sorts (my older daughter totally freaks out with this idea <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ).

Do I have a blende family? I do now since I'm married to a woman with two sons ages 20 and 22. They are fine young men, whom my wife can be rightly proud of (they are both in the military serving their country). My relationship with them is great because they know I love and respect their mother with every fiber of my being AND because she is now happy for the first time in many, many years (Her first marriage was almost an exact copy of mine but with the roles reversed). As far as the relationship that my wife has with my daughters is concerned, it couldn't be better because she has earned their respect and trust that she's practically been adopted by my girls as another sister. They go shopping together -Lord have mercy on my poor male soul <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> - and they confide in her about boys and other female issues. My wife has always let the girls know that she will never replace their mother and they should always love and respect their mother, even during those times when their mother has let them down. She(my wife) has told me that she feels blessed to have two girls that she can show off to others as 'her girls'. G*d I'm such a lucky man to have this woman as my wife that many times I feel like doing Snoopy's happy dance at the drop of a hat. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Bobcat once again I beseech you to please be honest with your GF about your lingering feelings towards your stbxw. She deserves to know where she stands with you so she can make an informed decision as to whether she can wait for you to resolve those feelings once and for all.

Good luck and keep us updated.