I am 48, my wife 39. We have been married 6 years. We have 7 children, 3 mine, 3 hers, one ours. 5 still at home. My two oldest have moved out on their own.

I found out the my wife was having an affair with her co-worker. I found love letters and erotic letters from him to her. I confronted them both seperately, and they both said the affair was over 2 years ago when the baby was 10 months old. They now are only very good and close friends. He is a family friend who we helped financially and emotionally through an ugly devorce (his wife knew of the affair, I didn't). Our children are close to each other, and we sit for each other all the time. He is here as much as he is at his home. I had questions about them but my wife denied them and I believed her even though the "facts" showed different. Yes, I was in denial.

After I found out, our world was upside down. We are working but she won't stop seeing him, he is a co-worker. She says the affiar is long over and that they are "just" friends and that he is her "only" friend (which is true - he was my only friend also). Since I found out I have a hard time seeing him, having him over, etc. I have tried to be good, but it's just too hard. I found some CD's he made for her recently, all love songs about wanting her, and I found out he bought her a seperate cell phone. She had "good" reasons for all these things. But I had to find them, she never told me.

She goes to the market on weekends, and says that's her alone time. She doesn't like taking the kids or me along, though we would go. She is usually gone about an hour to 90 minutes. Last weekend I had to take my step-son to practice and my step-son saw "this guy" pulling into the market after mom. I dropped off my son and went to the market. Granted they were having a special car show in the lot so a lot of people were there. I found his and her car (not close). I called my wife's cell, got no answer and left a message saying I was in the parking lot at the show. I walked the show, didn't see "him" and went into the market. There they were, he pushing the cart for her. They laughing and talking. I walked up and said, "Hi guys"... he ran around the corner with the cart. My wife looked surprised and said, oh hi, you can join us if you want. I didn't and left. Came back and he was gone. She said he just happened to see her going into the market and joined her.

Since then we talked more and I told her about the chances of us staying together if he was around were slim and none according to the "experterts." She will not go see anyone with me, or talk much about things. I have read what I can and want us to work. I do love her, but I find it so hard with "him" still in the picture. Yesterday she was very withdrawn. He called a few times to talk with her, and they did talk when I was out. This morning, still withdrawn she said she was going to tell them they couldn't see each other, (with a tone) because of me. Now, will they still see each other, I just won't know about it. I know he still loves her, and will try to see her.

I trust my wife that the affair is over. I want to believe that also. I know she likes his attention, but he is not me, and family. I also think she doesn't want the fact of the affair to get out if we broke up. I want her to love and want me, but because she really does, not because she is afraid of the consequeneces if she leaves.

What should I do? Any ideas?

I am afraid her behavior is totally unacceptable.
She has a sexual affair with this man and later you end up helping him financially and emotionally unknowing about his sexual affair with your wife. You find out and your wife still has him spending half of his time at your home and you are supposed to be accepting of this friendship because the affair is over? She goes to the market for alone time and spends time with him at the market? My friend you are still in denial big time.
Her attitude toward you is unbelievably disrespectful and humiliating to you. I guarantee you if the roles were reversed and you were screwing another woman behind your wife's back; do you really think she would allow you to have this woman as a friend, spending time at your house and so forth? She is absolutely shoving it in your face.
No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change. There should be immediate no contact and if she refuses then you need to contact an attorney to understand your options.
Since she was so good at lying to you the chances are good that she has not told you the whole truth and the affair is probably continuing in some way emotionally or physically. I would seriously consider getting a paternity test as soon as possible. Why do you believe her timeline?
Her attitute toward her affair and having this man continuing to come over your house is totally demeaning to you. The fact that she allowed you to help him financially while she was sleeping with him indicates that she thinks you not deserving of respect and sees you as a fool.
I am sorry to be harsh but what she is doing to you borders on emotional abuse. Please see a counselor to understand why you would accept such demeaning behavior. Again if the roles were reversed do you think she would allow you to throw the affair in her face the way she is doing it to you? No contact is absolutely essential. If she refuses then it is clear that she has made a choice of the OM over you. I wish you luck but she will not respect you unless you respect yourself. Marriage counseling and No Contact is essential otherwise you are wasting your time and you do not deserve to be treated in such a humiliating and hurtful manner.

Hi RobNoCal! BrianP is right. Sure, your wife probably did end her PHYSICAL affair. BUTT - her EMOTIONAL one continues on and on and she will NOT let it go. She's still having an affair and is trying to make it blackandwhite by saying crap like 'O since I'm not actually sleeping with him, it's OK.' Well, it's NOT OK. She refuses counseling.
Time for some serious Plan A and if that is not working, Plan B. All throughout this site, others post and Dr. Harley say: NO CONTACT. I know this is going to be hard for her - seeing this dude is a 'close family friend'. My friend, those are the worst. Your friend (you already know this) betrayed YOU! He is no friend, he's an enemy to come in and do what he did.
You have a chance, I believe, but your wife is seriously IN THE FOG and hopefully a good solid Plan A might help it lift and surely if that doesn't work, then Plan B might just show her that she is skating on very thin ice and she can't continue to cake-walk (in a emotional sort of way) because she is breaking her Sacred Wedding Vows to 'love and cherish YOU and to forsake all others' she's not doing that.
Good luck and stay strong!
Harold

I am sorry to be harsh but what she is doing to you borders on emotional abuse."

What she is doing IS emotional abuse. If you don't take a stand than you deserve what she is dishing out. In fact, the problem is not only about the affair she is having but the fact that you don't place a high value on yourself. If you behave as a doormat she will treat you as one. If she does not respect your feelings and refuses to stop her affair go to plan B or D.