This message is to the betrayed W. How do you feel about getting an apology letter from the OW? I had an extramarital relationship with a MM which ended almost one year ago. His W knows about the affair. I have thought many times about sending her a letter to apologize for my actions that caused her pain and anguish. Yet, I hesitate in fear that it may reopen the wounds. I have read other posts where the W had wished she had received such a letter. What are the concessus out there?

Gwenivere<BR>When I read your post I wished that you were my H's OW. I would be so relieved to know that she had even the tiniest bit of remorse.<BR>That is just me and I'm sure others would feel differently.<BR>If the OW made some kind of attempt to show her remorse, it would take a heavy burden from me.<BR>It depends on the situation of course. in my situation, it would be a good thing and I would accept the apology.<BR>You may not get that reaction from the W. Think about your reasons for wanting to do this. Consider it carefully.

Personally, I would love to get a letter full of remorse. But be prepared for any possibility. Every situation, and person, is a little different.

I've heard from some people who would rather never hear from the OW again.<P>For me, I would consider it an act of great courage and find comfort in the fact that she wanted to tell me she was sorry.<P>BUT, like's been said before, everyone may not feel this way. For some, it may have a completely different reaction.<P>Lori

I agree with the responses..I see the O/w all the time and would love to see the tiniest bit of remorse. It would bring closure for me. But like the others say you never can tell how any one will react at any given time.

hi gwen, be strong and courageous and send the letter!! <BR>I would love to hear an apology, or even affirmation that the ows felt they may have played a part in the pain!! <BR>Would be the greatest gift she ever receives.

I'm not sure what effect it would have. Everybody does, after all, react differently. I can only say how <I>I'd</I> react.<P>If I received a remorseful letter from the XOW, I think I'd say to myself, "...she's growing up, moving on, & showing a shred of human decency & civility for once. Good for her, I hope she makes it..." And then I would probably throw it away.<P>I've come to terms with what's happened very much on my own, without much - if any - help from others. So a letter would be received initially with the thought, "...so how's XOW trying to get to me now..." but after reading the remorseful bit, I'd probably just shrug; it wouldn't affect me much. I don't care at all about XOW and nothing she does affects me at all anymore - we have completely separate lives.<P>I think you should write the letter but never send it. Get it off your chest but don't send it to the W. Who knows what old wounds you may open up? W may end up mistrusting her H again, thinking contact between the two of you has once again resumed... Confession is good for the soul, yes, but it isn't always so good for the person hearing it... Write a letter but don't ever send it - it'd be a selfish act without the knowledge of how it'd affect the W, done only to make yourself feel better...<P>------------------<BR>~~ Elixir ~~<P>

Thank you all for your kind and honest responses. It was an area that I was unsure of. However, I know that had I been the one who's husband had betrayed her, a letter from the OW would offer me a step towards redemption and peace. I know that the W has wanted to talk to me personally, which I would not object to. However, I feel better knowing that my sincere apology would help her in the smallest way. If I can provide her with some part of closure, which is what I need as well, then I will do this for the both of us. <P>My dilema now is how do I start such a letter? How do I intrude into her world? She is a good person and doesn't deserve to have been hurt and lied to. I wish I could tell her about her H's other affairs that he told me about, but I won't (don't worry). I know it's not my place. <P>Has anyone written or received such a letter? What was your response? Would you even respond?

Gwen<BR>I think that you would want to immediatly state your intention in the first statement. She will be on the defensive and probably not expecting an apology. so maybe you could start by saying simply "I'm writing this letter to apologize for..." Tell her the last thing you want to do is cause her more pain and then take responsibility for your actions.<BR>These are the things that I would want the OW to do - Admit that she actually did something wrong. <BR>Thank you Gwennivere for having the courage to post this here. If I could explain to you what you have done for this betrayed wife I would. Right now I don't have the words for it but it brings tears to my eyes to know that there is actually someone like you who has the decency to be remorseful and take that responsibility.

Gwem,<BR>I wish you were the OW in my situation. I really considered her to be my friend and hoped continuously that she would have communicated some form of remorse not only for having had the affair with my H but for the betrayal of my friendship that I openly offered to her and her H.....It's funny, both of us are expecting right now and it would have been nice to share the experience of her and her H having twins and my H and myself with our one MORE child. <BR>I would start the letter by telling her that you would understand if she didn't want to read it but that you have some sincere emotions that you need to express and pray that she will continue to read so that it might provide some closure for both of you. I would then go from there, express everything, it would be a healing process not only for you but for her as well. I would be leary about mentioning the other affairs unless you really had some basis for telling her, like warning her that you weren't the first but want to be the last. <BR>I think I as the wife would want to know in a minute that he had had other affairs, it would make a difference in our recovery, you don't know as well if she doesn't already know that there had been others.<BR>I congratulate you on your courage and will send prayers that all settles peacefully for you at this time. God Bless!<P>------------------<BR>Chick's <BR>Bren<P>You won't see things until your ready to not be blind!<P>

I would want to receive it and it would bring me comfort and some closure. I too wish that you were my husband's OW.<P>To know she was sorry she hurt me, us, our children. That she had responsibility in it all. That she had learned from her mistake and would never do that again.<P>I would write it carefully and reread it then send it. If you do it with no malicious intent then it comes from the heart.<P>Husband's OW thinks I got what I deserved and is only sorry that he chose to stay with me. That she lost him.<P>She will always be apart of my life now. She came in without my invitation. Knowing she regretted that would mean a lot. I think it would give me peace and closure.<P>------------------<BR>God bless you and all of us.<P>Samantha<P><p>[This message has been edited by Samantha-MI (edited December 19, 1999).]

Saying exactly what you said here, what you think and feel in your heart, is the most appropriate. A letter is best; it will not "ease" into her life--nothing from you could. But she has not "forgotten" and she is probably not completely healed. It will probably help her to hear a sincere apology and remorse. It would for me and most of us say that.<P>I have thought many, many times (and practiced a few) letters to the XOW expressing my disappointment in her, because we had a close friendship before (and during) the affair, and we cannot be "rid" of her in the same way others can because she had my husband's child. I would write a letter back to any I received from her, because I need that closure and because we need to work through issues about this child. But again, that's just MY situation. <P>Regarding other affairs the H had, wow. I would want to know, as the wife, but I would not combine that with the apology. The apology would be healing. Info. on other affairs, if I did not already know... would NOT be healing, but might be important to the health of the marriage. I don't know about that one. UGH.<P>Good luck. I think you are doing the right thing.

Gwenivere,<P>The OW in my situation spent alot of time proving herself to be despicable. She called me names which I didn't deserve and spent many years undermining my marriage. Then when she was exposed she spent more time trying to make everyone believe that she was without guilt in the whole sordid mess. I have always said that THE one thing which would make the hell somewhat paletable would be for her to acknowledge her part in the affair. She was a victim yes, but she was a victim of her own misguided ways. Please consider a letter of apology as something that MANY wives would appreciate.

I would love to receive an apology from the OW. One of the things I had the hardest time handling was her attitude that she did "nothing wrong"! She willingly and deliberately entered my marriage, severely damaging it, then walked away without a scratch. I know, some OW feel pain with the end of an EMR, but she was only in it for sex and attention, and was looking for a new man the next day - she TOLD me!

Ladies,<BR>Wow! I really wasn't expecting such an overwhelming response advocating an apology letter. Frankly I was under the impression that OM's W would not EVER want to have a letter from me and that it would be in the trash or burned the minute it touched her hands.<P>I know that OM has lied to her about our affair and told her it was a one night stand when in fact, it lasted over two years. He's put the blame entirely on me, when we "both" were responsible for our actions.<BR> <BR>I do know the pain of being betrayed. I have been beginning with my own father who had an affair while married to my mother. Then again by my first husband who, by culture (from another country) was "expected" to be unfaithful. However, this was always something I was dead set against. I absolutely abhorred the idea of anyone betraying a spouse because of having lived through that horror myself. I feel ashamed to have allowed myself to have fallen pray to this same ordeal and followed in my father's footsteps. <P>Frankly, I feel sorry for OM's W. He has her so snowballed with all his lies. No, she doesn't know about the other affairs. He told me she didn't. Whether or not to tell her at any given point is difficult for me to ascertain. I don't want her to suffer any futher. However, I will include in my letter that if she ever wants to talk or write to me and ask me any questions that she may do so. <P>I know that OM's W is still hurting. I do not know her and harbor no ill will towards her. From what I understand, she is close to perfect. (So, what did OM want with me?) I know nothing can change what has happened but if I can do one thing that can bring a semblance of peace to this woman's heart, then it is my duty to do so. I would want the same.

Hi Gwen,<P>I rarely post here anymore, as I am one of the "success stories", but I check in from time to time. This is something that I basically have firsthand knowledge of, and wanted to give you my input.<P>My H's exOW was very apologetic and very helpful in relaying details about their relationship. It helped a lot knowing, firstly, that she was very fooled by my H's exaggeration of our "bad" marriage, (speaks of intent, or lack of), and I was also very comforted by her remorse. <P>I say, send the letter, it could really help her. Unfortunately, it appears to me that you have more respect for this woman than her own husband, i.e. the numerous affairs, and that's pathetic. But at least someone cares enough to offer the apology. We often want to think the OW is such a cold-hearted monster, who has absolutely no remorse, as she might be thinking since you don't know each other. The apology would be able to make you more human and make her feel less threatened. <P>I commend you for your willingness to offer the apology, especially since it's still bothering you so long after the discovery of it. It would ease her pain knowing that you're still carrying the guilt around. Does that make sense? Anyhow, send her the letter, it might help ease your guilt, too. <P>Good luck, and let us know what happened. If it's positive, it might encourage some other OW lurking here to do the same. Take care.<P>------------------<BR>The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched. They must be felt with the heart.<BR>Helen Keller<BR>

I shouldn't be replying to your post since your message "is to the betrayed W", but since my W's affair is with OW I am. It would be nice to receive it as long as it is a sincere, honest, open apology. In my case I wouldn't even matter if it was a detailed letter or not, just a sign that OP felt really sorry. She was married once and has a child, she knows about the pain that an affair (especially one of this type) causes. It's a long shot, though: the physical part of the affair started just over one month ago and is still going.<P>Alex<P>------------------<BR>Live and learn

Gwen,<BR>There are several(5?) types of affairs. If I remember right, you can find them at:<BR> <A HREF="http://www.affairs-help.com" TARGET=_blank>www.affairs-help.com</A> <BR>and take a quiz about what type yours was, to better understand what happened. <P>My H is a recovering conflict-avoider. He admits the affair was him escaping from conflict with me over things he didn't like but was afraid to tell me (boy, the regrets he has now!!), and I was clueless. "Your" MM could also be a conflict avoider, or a sex addict or serial adulterer (like Clinton?), or one of the other types, which could have very little to do with you OR the wife, [Re: "so why did he want me?"] just his own dysfunction.<P>HEY, Distrusting!! I have that Helen Keller quote on my wall!! I found it when my daughter died and it means a lot to me.

It sounds like you have 2 concerns: to apologize and to tell her the truth about her H. I do not think that you should mix those in one letter. If you write to apologize, it should be to make her feel better - not to make you feel better. Do not make her feel worse by telling her that her H is really worse than she now thinks.<P>If you want her to know the truth about the duration of the affair, her H's role in it, etc., first ask if knowing will help her or if you want to tell her for other less noble reasons like hurting her H. No matter how deserving her H may be of your negative feelings, please don't use his W to get at him.<P>She may need to know the truth about her H, but be careful about your motives and about mixing up the revelation with your apology.

I agree with wesse 100%...<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I know that OM has lied to her about our affair and told her it was a one night stand when in fact, it lasted over two years. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>So you're what...? ...going to "inform" the wife of the truth? Just tell me <B>who</B> is going to feel better after you tell her, that - her or you? She doesn't need or want to know about this! If thinking it was a one-night stand was so very painful, how traumatizing do you think it'll be to find out that the facts are far different? Keep this information to yourself! Otherwise you will be only inflicting pain on somebody to make yourself feel better. <P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>He's put the blame entirely on me, when we "both" were responsible for our actions.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>So why are you <I>really</I> writing this letter? To clear your name? To expose the husband for the jerk that he is? You know what - life isn't fair!!! Accept that the husband told his wife these lies so that it would be easier to forgive him. Accept that in an EMR, the betrayers commonly blame the OP in the affair for their actions. You're a scapegoat for his actions, and since you're not a part of his life anymore, why do you care or why should you do anything about it? It's easier for the wife to blame you, easier for her to forgive her husband. The only reason I could see for you to inform her differently would be <B>extreme selfishness.</B> Again, keep this information to yourself!!! The wife will not want or need to hear this information!!!<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Frankly, I feel sorry for OM's W. He has her so snowballed with all his lies. No, she doesn't know about the other affairs. He told me she didn't. Whether or not to tell her at any given point is difficult for me to ascertain. I don't want her to suffer any futher. However, I will include in my letter that if she ever wants to talk or write to me and ask me any questions that she may do so.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>So you feel compelled to expose the husband? This is <B>not</B> a letter of apology that you are intending to write!!! It is a vindictive, manipulative letter of vengeance with which you hope to clear your conscience and point the blame at the person you feel deserves to receive it!!! If you write and actually send a letter to the wife, don't fool yourself - you'll be deliberately & selfishly hurting others, making yourself feel better at other people's expense! What kind of person are you that you have to make yourself feel big by trying to make other people feel small? What kind of person are you to force your own needs/desires upon other people?!? It would be a horribly cruel, selfish, and insensitive act to send such a letter to the wife IMHO!!!<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I know that OM's W is still hurting. I do not know her and harbor no ill will towards her. From what I understand, she is close to perfect. (So, what did OM want with me?) I know nothing can change what has happened but if I can do one thing that can bring a semblance of peace to this woman's heart, then it is my duty to do so. I would want the same.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Look closely at your last sentence! It is <I>you</I> who feels you need closure, and you have no idea how the wife feels. You are <B>not</B> part of their lives anymore. So why deliberately insinuate yourself back into their lives once again? You will, I guarentee it, only cause misery in their lives if you do so.<P><B>Don't</B> send this letter if you write it. It will only bring misery to those who receive it. Do you really want to feel better and clear your conscience at the expense of somebody else's happiness? Keep this letter to yourself. Sometimes we have to live with our consciences on our own, without burdening others with (whatever) we may feel responsible for... This is <I>your</I> burden in life - don't force others to carry it for you!<P>------------------<BR>~~ Elixir ~~<P>