I have been trying to fight all the bad thoughts and cast them away with prayers and keeping myself busy with the holiday stuff.<BR>And little by little H is taking notice of me. Most time though he is into his own things. <P>So I do most of my talking here or I write it down to help me keep what sanity is hanging on. All of you here who are suffering from you significant other being involved with OP for weeks, days, or years are to be commended for you faith, efforts and LOVE for you S and the hard work you put into holding on to your marriage. Even though my H had a one time experience(so he says) it has affected me much the same as all of you. The loss of trust, insecurity, etc. etc.<P>And I want to keep my marriage and I do love him. And I have struggled with this marriage from the beginning. His first wife has given me grief even though he had been divorced from her for 5 years before I even met him.<BR>I have always felt she still wants him. And she has always treated me like the other woman, but I didn't cause their divorce, I didn't know either of them at that time. <P>Anyway, he has a daughter who is 8 months younger than mine and they get along great.<BR>They refer to each other as sisters. I love his daughter and have tried to get along with her mother because of his daughter. And every time I stick my neck out to be nice she has the knife at the ready for me.<P>She acts so sweet to me and just when I think we are getting along okay she stabs me in the heart and right now I don't need this. <P>Even my H's inlaws have told me how she made life miserable for him and he hung in there for 10 years. He didn't cheat on her and she supposidely treated him horribly. I have tried to be everything to him and he does this to me. Shouldn't think this way I know.<BR>But, it is there in my thoughts. <P>I'm feeling like s@*t right now and have been struggling with insecurity from all this. Yes, he says he wants me and I am the love of his life and I always have been. Then why did you cheat?!?! I want to say, but I don't<BR>this wouldn't be nice on my part. So I crawl into myself and write or post. Gee, if anyone reads this you may be thinking . . .<BR>THANKS ALOT!<P>I have lost 3 more pounds in addition to the 12 I already lost in the last month. H says I look great, just wish I felt that way on the inside.

Hey I was on the 14 pound weight loss in 14 days. Know it well. The problem is when the marriage improves, it magically reappears.<P>Really, don't know if you know my story, but read my profile.<P>It is almost a year and although my marriage steadily improved, my pain was on a different time table. 4 1/2 months of 24/7 of total anguish. I believe I hit a second milestone about 4 weeks ago. I have had not severe pain for about a month. Believe me, that is breakthough. Would have never believed it 6 weeks ago. Don't know why. <P>Just a pep talk, I understand.<P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

F.H.L.;<P>Thanks for understanding. It has only been a month since he told me. And I throughyly dispise the thought of going through this for more months ahead. Strange, I was so numb for the first couple of weeks, then the anger and resentment set in. Now the insecurity is ever present. <P><BR>Seems as time goes on while I try and work on things in this marriage a new emotion creeps up on me and says, HELLO!!!<P>And just when I begin to feel good I get slammed to the floor. Man! this is so far one of the most confusing and horrible of things I have gone through and I have been through a lot before. <P>I have never felt so low about myself. Never felt so insecure about me as a woman or by abilities as I do now. Guess this is all a part of it and as long as I can realize this I am not down for the count yet.<P>Thanks for being there. I do look better as far as the weight loss and don't want to gain it back. I feel if I do he will search else where again. Terrible to feel that way isn't it? Lord help me, but I feel so pathetic and sometimes I feel H sees me that way even though he doesn't say this. Nor would he.<P>I have to find my confident, funny, happy self again but I honestly don't know where she has gone to.

Your last sentence was ironic.<P>I remember telling my H that I missed his wife, too!<P>I thought I was a pretty interesting well rounded person. But after this happened, I think I actually lost my sense of self for a while.<P>To thread the needle, I think most of my self esteem stayed intact just because I thought he was so wrong and he thought so too. <P>But I lost the ability to judge truth from lies and even reality somewhat. It is hard to explain.<P>Fortunely, my H really likes natural and has never made me feel unattractive despite the sagging and bagging the years have deposited.<P>I know you don't want to live through this even another minute.<P>It sucks.<P>Although I can not say I would choose to experience infidelity, I can say the experience in its totality has been a positive influence on our marriage, although it came at a tremendous personal price.<P><P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

F.H.L.;<P>Wow!! How right you are when you said,<BR>came at a tremendous personal price.<P>Some days I feel like I'm part of a surreal painting. Guess its par for the course.<BR>And YES, it SUCKS!!! Big Time.