I found out about my H's A about a week ago while he has been out of town. He was e-mailing the OW, who is an employee of his. After reading the mail it appears to be an EA, with him confiding as to his lack of SF and my making him feel undesireable, telling OW of his attraction to her. This will be his 2nd A. His last was approx 1/2001. It was an EA & PA lasting for many months.

I also discovered he has been checking out sites that offered Escort services while out of town. I am freaking out!!! about 6 months ago he told me he caught Chlamydia from a toilet and still to this day sticks to that story. I was tested negative for this several times which is confusing. Nevertheless, I have been reluctant to fulfill his EN for SF for some time for varying reasons.

I must add that my H has alcohol and drug issues. He is what Alanon calls a "binge drinker", when he binges he typically uses cocaine.

There is also a history of screaming,raging verbal abuse towards me in which I received counseling and have seen dramatic improvement.

All this has over the years drained love units out of his account.

I have stated my desire to work on the marriage but he isn't sure and hasn't given me an answer.

I discovered this site a couple days ago and have been reading since then. Also bought "Surviving an Affair" which I have just about finished.

Everything I have previously read on this subject very clearly stated it was a selfish, uncaring thing to confess your A to your S. After reading Dr. Harley's view on honesty about A's I decided to confess to my H about my own EA's in the past. I felt it wasn't fair for him to live with the illusion that he was the only WS and that I could be trusted. My other motivation was he was very angry at always being the "bad guy" and was sick and tired of it, so now he had company. I have to admit I hoped it would hurt him in the process. I know it is a LB but I am learning.

One of my A's consisted of one night of hand holding and a sisterly peck never to see him again. The other was a telephone A, lasting a few months which ended very shortly after I realized it was turning into phone sex.

So I guess it is very clear that neither of us has been fulfilling the others EN.

I am not sure how or if to put into effect Plan A. He isn't due back in town for another 2 days. I also have good reason to believe binged while on this trip. What to do??? Any insight, suggestions would be helpful I'm sure. Thanks

I want to add to my previous post that my H & I together have helped raise six children between us. They range from 24 to 7 years old. the youngest being ours together. We have my 2 SS's ages 11 & 13 & our DS still living with us.

Sofea,

Welcome to the forum. I'm sorry you are here, but happy to have you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I'm going to be very honest with you. The problems you are dealing with are on multiple levels and unless you have real counseling for both of you, the help you can find here is not enough. This is a great place to augment counseling for folks that are really in deep trouble, but the concepts here don't work that well with addictive or abusive situations (and it sounds as though...you have both). This is a good support place in between counseling when you haven't anywhere to turn....but as a primary resource....it's going to fall short for you I think. We are not professionals....just people who have used and learned these concepts.

I know you love your husband, but please take a good long look at your relationship....do you think that you can get your husband interested in honestly dealing with his problems....alcohol, drugs, possibly sex addiction, verbal abuse? That's a pretty tall list and I would be remiss if I didn't say that doing a Plan A in the midst of that is not likely to succeed without his commitment...true commitment to rebuilding your marriage. A Plan A which is designed to separate him from the affair may work....but without addressing all these other things.....not to mention the no SF....I am not very encouraged about it saving your marriage. How old are you two? And how long have you been married?

I’m to tired to write anything of significance here tonight. But I wanted to let you know that there are people here who will help you and a lot of very good material. Please start by reading the “Welcome to Newcomers” in my signature block.

Do you know what you want to do here? Do you want to work on your marriage? Or do you want out? That is step one.

I agree with Star that it would be wise for you to not depend on this site solely. There is a lot going on in your situation. But there is some help with the MB concepts here. If you can afford it, I definitely advise that you counsel with Dr. Harley.

There are two threads ongoing right now that might really help you. Both of these posters are in similar situations to yours. Pay very close attention to what Cerri has to say.. she is one who can really help you.

HeartRIP

Queen of a broken heart

<small>[ July 30, 2003, 01:34 AM: Message edited by: Zorweb ]</small>