Hi,

Quick introduction: I have been following the discussions here and got a lot of help going through the process of surviving my infidelity in our marriage. Me: WS 35, H: BS 35, married 8 years, D-day: Jan 2002 (I confessed voluntarily, he had no idea), EA 4 months with coworker.

I have been thinking a lot lately the recovery from infidelity, and how much hard work it takes. I call it the Work. So far, a bit more than 1.5 yrs after the D-day, our Work has been going like this:

Phase 1: (First 3 months after D-day) euphoria (=denial)
Phase 2: (Next 3 months) resentment & hatred by BS, defensiveness by me, seeing MC, the Work started
Phase 3: (Next 6 months) emotions resolved, living more or less in peace, getting a rest from the Work
Phase 4: (Next 6 months) emotions surfacing again, Working on and off
Recently: worse than ever (this time it felt like slavery, not Work!), but getting better

So, my interpretation is that the first phase was kind of denial, as both of us really wanted to save our marriage and could not cope with the pain of discussing the subject. We thought that we could just forget, start a new life and be happy.

In three months, we had built enough confidence that our marriage will continue and so my H felt safe enough to start confronting me and showing his anger, resentment and disappointment. At this stage I felt resentment too, as I felt that he had betrayed our “agreement” to forget the whole thing, which was kind of convenient for me as I wanted to avoid the guilt. So, we went to MC, assuming we can get a quick fix, and while there, finally understood that there is no easy way out, that we have to deal with the emotions, that we can never get back to our “old normal life”, but would need to build a “new normal life”, by resolving and going through all the emotions and truly understanding why I had a need to have secret EA behind my H’s back. So, we did a lot of talking and getting through all the emotions that had built up. The emotional part was so intense that we both almost fell off the balance. I had to learn to cope with the anger from my H (I tend to flight rather than fight), my H had to learn to cope with my occasional depression that I suffered when I could not take his anger any more, we both had to trust that we will get out from the madness and darkness at some point in time.

We did survive this difficult period and enjoyed a six months period of peace and happiness, being more understanding to each other than before. To me it seems we had dealt with the issues to the extent we could at that point in time and needed to take a rest, needed to give energy to each other rather than just consume it.

Then, after more than a year from the D-day, my H started going back to the past again, asking me a lot of questions, I wanted to stop it but then understood that we just have to continue the Work. So, we went into our past again, dwelled there, but it was less intense than the previous time. I thought we were surviving, I thought we were past the worst.

Recently, after more than 1.5 yrs from the D-day, my H started having very intense feelings of resentment, dwelled in the past constantly, almost paralysing our life. He blaimed me heavily for betraying him, suddenly felt he was a victim in the whole thing, that I had a personality that would always end up in same types of situations as before, that maybe we should divorce. I was extremely depressed, could not get out of the bed, felt guilty, did not see any reason to get up, cried constantly.

He demanded from me details from the past, details that I felt were not adding anything to the picture, but details that would have given him more reasons to dwell in the past (he still today avoids certain places, hates certain music etc. because they remind him of the past and I am ok with it, I just can’t give him any new reminders, it would be like giving him a knife, knowing that he will stab himself).

Today, this very short (2 weeks) but most intense phase is over, but I feel quite weak after it. I don’t know how we got out. We just realized that we had ended in the deadend street, there was not going any further, that we would need to come out from the past to present moment again. It could be that the phase emerged because of our holiday period, giving my H enough time to think, maybe thoughts that he had not dared to think before.

At 19 months after D-day, I am just wondering how long the recovery takes. How long do we need to dwell in the past and when can we live in present moment again? I know the recovery happens in waves, but it was a surprise for me that at this late we would have our worst moments.

SERATA

Hi Serata-
Your situation is almost identical to our marriage. My wife being the WS and me the BS.
I agree with the phases you outlined. Our marriage is at 10 months since D-day. I have similar emotions to that of your husband. I dwell on the past sometimes and ask for specific details about my wife's affair and it comes is waves. Our MC recommended that we not talk about the affair because it is poisoning our marriage and delaying the recovery process. In both yours and ours, the only thing you can do is say your sorry and it will not happen again, and the WS told the BS as much information they can, and there is nothing more that the BS will get from this.
This is harder that it seems, for me and possibly your husband, it is like you don't want to forget, you want to remember this, like an old friend. Why? I don't know? My wife is firm and will not discuss her affair with me no matter what.
I don't have an answer on how long it takes, it depends on a lot. personality traits, are you more easy going than you H, the level of the affair, did it become a PA. Age of you guys... etc..

I have been told by a friend of mine that is going through it as well, but much worst, that sometimes a marriage has to die first before you can rebuild.

good luck and I hoipe to hear from you soon

F

Hi Frankdd,

Thanks – good to find someone in the same situation but different perspective.

"In both yours and ours, the only thing you can do is say your sorry and it will not happen again"

Yes, it seems our dark moments get better when we have hit the dead end street, and I say “I am truly sorry for all the pain I have caused, and I cannot change the past even if I wanted to, so we have to accept it. Please tell me if there is anything I can do to improve our marriage today, if there is anything I can do today to help you forgive” and he says “I know that you are truly sorry, and I am happy with our marriage today, you could not do more, I just need to find the peace in me and let go of the past, but it’s hard for me”.

"ask for specific details about my wife's affair"

We have discussed the need of my H to ask the same details again, or to try to get new details. My H agrees that he gets nothing from the details, except that it is some form of torture than he for some reason wants for himself. That is why we have agreed if he should ask in his dark moment any details, I do not need to answer or that I can refer back to our agreement. I think this is the right approach at this moment, previously when I have truthfully answered his every question, his mood has become even darker, not better. I still have to say I can relate to this need for unnecessary details, as I wanted to know every detail of my H’s past relationships when we met and got some type of dark satisfaction out of it, even if it hurt.

Serata

Hi Serata-
I thought a bit about what you said yesterday as I was stuck in Massachusetts rush hour traffic.
Another reason I have a hard time and possible your husband is, because men's are wired differently than women. It is animal instincts.
Men assure their blood line survival by procreating as much as possible. Where women are looking for the best genetic makup for their off- spring. This might explain why men have affair for sexual reasons and women for emotional reasons. Stir this all together in a work place enviroment with coworkers and it is no wounder why ground zero is the work place for most affairs.

For men though, forgetting and forgiving might be different. For example, for me it is an ego thing, I feel like I have to prove to my wife I am a better provider than the OM. It is like someone stepping on your turf, being your spouse though, no offense please. Me and possible your H, might have these obsseive compulsive behaviors, such as, wanting nothing more than to have revenge against the other man, and punishing the wife, why it explains at least for me, why i still talk about it.
Oh well I got to get back to work. hope to hear from you soon

Frank