For several years I have strongly suspected that my wife has had an affair. My suspicion is more that just a "gut" feeling, but it is supported by strong evidence. When confonting her with the evidence, her response has either been denial, ignorance, or poor memory. So what do you do? I know that it happened and the effects of it are evident in our marriage today. Distance, coolness, lack of intimacy, etc. Her willingness to discuss the issues is virtually non-existent. When I first confronted her, she threatened to leave a couple of times, if I asked her about it again. I was intentionally gentle in my approach. Now her defense is that she does not remember anything. Can anybody out there relate to my situation and offer any advise? Sometimes I feel like I am losing it! The facts keep hitting me in the face, and they don't line up with her responses!

It certainly sounds like responses that come from a guilty party. Until your wife becomes totally honest with you and herself, it's so hard to mend a marriage. If indeed she has had an A, then she's scared. Scared of losing everything. She doesn't want to hurt you. In my case, I was the BS. My H denied, denied, denied. He would probably still be denying today, had I not had actual proof. What your W probably doesn't realize is that having someone lie to you hurts just as bad as the actual betrayal.

Your wife sounds like Bill Clinton. It is clear she has no intention of ever telling you the truth so unless you have prove you are stuck. I would strongly suggest marriage counseling. How do you think your wife would be acting if the roles were reversed? You say you have sound evidence so show her the evidence. If she still denies then request that she take a polygraph test and I am sure her answer will be no. The bottom line is that you know she had an affair and still refuses to be honest with you. You need counseling and you need to ask yourself what kind of marriage are willing to be in for the rest of your life? I wish you luck.

Thanks so much for your responses. Support is so important in these cases. My goal is to salvage the marriage, I love my wife. She is scared, I believe. And I have confronted her with all the evidence, and she still denies, plays dumb, or can't remember. The advice on the polygraph is something to really consider. I am tired of sleepless nights wondering about my spouse having been with another man. My neighbor brought to my attention the fact that this man was coming to my house during the day while I was at work. (He was out of work due to an on the job injury).When I approached my wife concerning it, she said it was for lunch. Now she says she does not know why she told me that originally. This man (coming to my house) was involved in affairs prior to him knowing my wife. And the thought of a sexual predator being alone in my house with my wife is very disturbing to say the least. But she let him in. I told her this was planned, deliberate, intentional, and secret. This is just one among many other strong clues and signs. So I think a lie detection test is the only way to confirm innocence or guilt at this point. She may confess prior to the test actually taking place, hopefully. I just want to bring closure to the issue, one way or the other. Her fear of loss seems to be stronger than her apreciation for honesty. But I am extemely tired of wondering!

My guess is that she will confess prior to taking the test because this is usually what happens. The fact that she would allow another man into your home while you were at work and to have sex with him in your home is beyond contempt. How do you think she would feel if she knew you were having sex with another woman in her bed while she was at work? I feel very sorry for you. You have caught her and she plays dumb. Your home is the one place in your life that should never be compromised. It is supposed to be the one safe place in your life. Please seek counseling. Having men coming over to your home while you are at work is unacceptable. The lack of respect shown to you is very sad. Honesty and counseling is the key. Without honesty then what do you really have left? I wish you luck.

Bryanp,

Thanks for your reply. This forum is really helping me to deal with this thing. I am hoping that she will confess prior to actually taking the test. It's the only thing I can think of as a catalyst to force the truth. The thought of this OM in my home, in my bed, with my wife has become unbearable! And without a catalyst, I know she will not tell me the truth. I've confronted her with everything! And as far as I am concerned, him being in my home (with enough frequency to cause my neighbor to take notice) while I am not there is "proof" enough! You're so right, the disrespect is so blatant! But I guest, when intoxicated by an affair, you don't consider respect. I have sought counseling with my pastor, and have talked with my brother about this situation. I don't think my pastor has the time to service the degree of need I have to deal with this and to recover from it. My WS sent a note to my pastor (unbeknown to me, she later told she had done so) telling him thanks, but at the same time communicating that we were OK. That was her way of avoiding further counseling. When I first told her that we needed to talk with our pastors, she said that she lacked the courage to do so. I didn't understand this, if she was innocent, what was she fearing? This other man has given her flowers (which I confronted him concerning), taken her to lunch (aside from his so called lunch visits to my home) taken her out of town on a so called work related situation, which her boss did not request or knew anything about. While he (OM) did not work with her, he had business with her boss that gave him daily access to my wife. They talked to each other daily, per my wife. On one occassion he called my home, and she took the phone into another room, sat on the floor in the dark, and talked to him (OM)for a half hour to forty-five minutes. The conversation ended by me coming into the room, turning the light on, and telling her to get off the phone. My goal is to get her to confess the truth, so that we can get on with healing and recovery. She notices that I am distracted and bothered, but she will not ask me what's bothering me, because she knows the answer. She's asked before, and I told her. I think she avoids talking about it, so that she will not have to lie any further. I have sought to build a support system for myself in the interim, and MB forum is an important part of that system. It's good to communicate with people who can relate to what you're dealing with. Again, thanks for every response and reply.

She is DEFINATELY having an affair. I would pack my things and walk out as she is sitting there dumbfounded. She will more than likely confess at that point.

Vizzie:

Your story is so sad and her behavior is so blatant and disrespful to you and your marriage.
Again I believe she will not voluntarily confess until the moment she is scheduled to take the test. Her moral compass seems to have been totally broken. I find it interesting that she could have been so blatant about this and not fear the consequences of her actions. My guess is that she was a cakewoman who believed that no matter how disrespectful her behavior was to you and putting your health at risk and so forth that you would always be forgiving concerning her behavior. It seems so often this this act of love by you is perceived as some sort of weakness that enables the cheating spouse to continue the affair knowing there will not be any consequences if they are eventually found out. I really feel for you. When the truth comes out go and get new furniture. If she refuses to be honest with you and show true remorse then maybe you should really consider what is it that you are really hanging on to? I wish you luck.

StartinOver and Bryanp,

Thanks for your support and response. I have thought of doing just that, packing my things and leaving. It's been very painful to put it mildly! The denial and dishonesty is jsut as painful as the betrayal. Both are such serious violations of trust, which is vital to marriage. And if I have to "force" confession, I wonder can I trust her in the future? I know she's scared, but she ran the risk! And I told her that if I discover that her plea of innocence is false, her chances are that much slimmer! In an effort of getting to the truth, I have acknowledged whatever possible contribution I could have made in her being vunerable to an affair. Approximately 24 years ago, I had an affair which I confessed to her at that time (24 years ago), which she says she forgave me of. We have been married for 26 years. I told her that I take responsibility for my failure in the past possibly predispositioning her for faliure. Also during the time of her involvement with this OM, I was going through intense difficulty on my job, which depressed me. And I mentioned to her that I know I was not meeting her need of attention and affection during this time (which the OM was obviously meeting, making deposits in her lovebank and withdrawals!). But yet she maintains that she's innocent of having this affair. So Bryanp, I do wonder, what do I have in terms of a marriage, being that marriage is built upon love, honesty, trust? I think she is, my wife, willing to have just the institution of marriage, but I am desiring more than that! (I am 46 and my wife is 48)

I really feel for you Vizzie.
It is so typical what you see at this place that
it is the continuing lies and dishonesty that is so painful after being caught. You have a lot of years in the marriage. I understand your concern that if you finally force her to confess then she did it not of her choice. I don't know what to tell you but if you cannot have honesty and trust from your wife and a home you can feel safe in then it is just too painful. The need for professional marriage counseling is a must. She must show true remorse and above all must be totally honest and forthcoming to you about everything. It is sad that she does not realize that her continuing lying is damaging and destroying what is left of your love for her.
I wish you the best.

Vizzie if what you are doing is not working why not try something else? Do you think that she may not want to acknowledge her A because she is terrified of you divorcing her? If you beleive this is the case then you may be better of if you stop insisting on her acknowledging her A. Concentrate on being the best husband you can be (follow the MB methodology of no love busters), not for her benefit but for yours and to create an emotional environment where she can feel safe being honest with you with the truth because she won't be punish for it (let her know this and mean it). Your goal should be to develop true intimacy with your W where sharing your thoughts and feelings is a reality.

You can buy a cheap voice-activated recorder at radio shack and put it in your bedroom during the day and/or the other room where she talks on the phone. You will get your proof.

TooMuchCoffeeMan,

Thanks for your reply. I have tried to create an atmosphere where she does not feel threatened. I will admit, there have been times when it's been really tough! I have told her that I would not leave her if she was guilty of the affair. I have communicated my love to her and sought to alleviate any insecurity she may have. She has been the one to get upset for the most part when we have discussed this issue. She threatened to leave me twice! But when I asked her if she would feel the same way if I had done the things she had, she said "yes"!