I never said everything was perfect during or after recovery.<P>Last night H & I took the kids to see x-mas lights. I guess I had my expectations up a little high. Looking at lights is always something that I loved doing very much as a child and still do today. I was looking very forward to going.<P>Well, the kids got restless soon after we left and wouldn't stay seated and wouldn't listen. Just really made the whole thing quite unenjoyable since we/I had to keep getting on them. Man I really hated it but I could not get them to listen at all. I felt like a monster mom sometimes. It was like a tennis game and I was just going back and forth with the kids.<P>We went to one place that had alot of lights and had to wait in a very long line to even see them. Afterwards, H said that he was never going there again that he could remember saying the same thing last year; but then he changed that to the year before last year.<P>Last year... he was with OW, and that part of the area is OW's territory so to speak. I had once suggested moving there, because it is on the outskirts of town but OW has alot of family there and they probally spent alot of time up there and H didn't want to, can't say I did either after finding that out.<P>Anyway, I couldn't help but think that "they" had been there doing "my" favorite thing together last year. BAMM... all sorts of things started coming back to memory about last year.<P>I can't help thinking that he started remembering things about last year too! But were those memories he had good ones or bad ones. Was he remembering her in a way that made his heart smile? Know I am dumb to think these things and torture myself about the past but still I can't help but wonder if he does think of her fondly. Really don't think I'd want to know if her does, it would only increase the problem and make myself ask even more questions of him and myself. BIG LOVEBUSTER!!!!<P>Things got quiet except for the kids acting up & the little attempts I tried to make to stir up a conversation that only made me feel stupid afterwards.<P>We came home, he sat down and watched tv and I got on the computer something else I think he starting not to like very much, then we all went to bed.<P>He was sweet all night I don't mean to make him sound bad because he wasn't at all, very loveable but I guess I just hit one of those "???? and insecure" evenings.<P>I dreamed about him and her all night. As much as I woke up, you'd a thought that I would have started dreaming of something else but I didn't. So now I am up for good, I don't want to dream anymore right now, because I'm afraid of what I'll see.<P>I don't want my H to know about how I am feeling because it would only make him feel bad and guilty and it isn't anything he has done to stir this up in my head and I don't think it is fair to bring it up and make it his problem too; that I think would be a big LB. <P>Last X-mas was absolute HELL!!! That is why this X-mas is so special to me!!! I don't want to do anything to make him feel bad and cause a distance or a riff between us, especially 1 wk. before x-mas. I want only the best memories this year.<P>So, this is one thing I feel like I have to deal with and fix on my own. I have got to get my head on strait and I would like to ask for everybody's help. <P>I know all of you have your own problems and my heart truly goes out to each and everyone of you!!! But I was hoping maybe you guys would give me a little lift? Any words to help me accomplish my goal of straitening out my head would be most appreciated!!!<P>Genie

You can't expect to be past ALL the triggers yet, you know? Every now and then, something's gonna take you back, but look how seldom it's happening.<P>I'm so sorry that that happened to you. But look at it this way. He said he had promised himself THEN that he wasn't going back. So he didn't have a great time! THAT'S not gonna bring back any warm and fuzzy feelings for him!! And he DID go back --to take you!<P>I'll bet the only feelings it brought out in him were how he wasted last Christmas, too. 'Specially since you said he was sweet afterward too. He was probably trying to let you know how glad he is to be home where he belongs now.<P>It's ok to get a little insecure every now and then. You've got your family around you, including your H, that can help get you through a bad night or two.<P>You just hang in there, Genie. The bad feelings will happen less and less until they disappear!! I just know they will!!!<P>(Shoot - I sound like I know what I'm talking about, don't I? But it IS true!!)<P>{{{{{{{{{{{{Genie}}}}}}}}}}}}<P>Lori

Oh, Genie, it's okay! You're just having a little setback. Your wound is still healing. Of course, I'm not even close to recovery, but it must be very hard to not have occasional flashbacks. But, that's all they are--- memories. The past. It's over. Your H is with YOU now. Focus on the present, & have a truly wonderful Christmas with your family, and best of all with your H!! Don't let anything take away from the wonder of this Christmas. Post here if you need some support.

OK Coach, here goes. Two tings I have to keep in mind during this horrific time for me.<P>1- The past does not equal the future. Lori's probably right about the lights being a bad memory. Then again when kids aren't listening it makes about everthing not fun.<P>2- I am powerless over my thoughts and feelings, however I am not powerless over my actions and words. As long as I have the filter between my mouth and my brain engaged, I rarely get my self in trouble.<P>I have dreams sometimes about using drugs. Wow talk about real and scarry. I wake up feeling hung over, and thinking three years down the drain. All that hard work, now I have to go in front of all those people that have been helping me recover and pick up a white chip, the humiliation. Then it hits me it was ONLY a dream. Then I thank God for all that I have gained in the past three years.<P>I guess what I,m saying is dreams are just that dreams, when they seem real I thank the Loed they are not. I share it with someone, that also seems to take it's power away.<P>You came here and shared it with us, I hope that helped remonve it's power.<P>Did you express your gratitude to God for haveing your family together this x-mas?<BR>I'm certain you did.<P>Thats the footwork, God will take care of the rest.<P>SO, chin up and let's get back in the game.hehe<P>And remember, You're Great!<P>Bill<P><BR>"commit to the Lord what ever you do, and your plans will succeed" Proverbs16:3<P>------------------<BR>BB<BR>

Thanks Everyone!!!<P>I did need to get it off my chest and I guess it helps to hear others reaffirm you slight mental downfall!!<P>I m very thankful that we are together this year and it has been great. My H has a new job that allows us to spend a great deal more time together and that definately is nice. Before we were like strangers passing in the halls between his job, my job and all the things that have to be done.<P>Thank You God for my life, my family, our health and all the love that we still share between us. And thanks for all the SUPER freinds I have here.<P>Genie

<small>[ January 31, 2005, 02:35 PM: Message edited by: hanora ]</small>

Genie,<P>The sad thing about TRIGGERS is that they are so unpredictable. They pop up at times that we are very much unemotionally prepared to handle them. Rarely does the husband even realize that there is a change in your attitude, yet they suffer from our emotional setbacks. Triggers are normal, and I am sure, for you, that they are happening much less than last year. We do have the ability to change our attitude. When a trigger hits me, I communicate the feelings that I am going through with H. Not to make him feel guilty, but to let him know that I need some help and encouragement to get through a tough time. I rarely regret this and talking to him, the betrayer, helps me to get over the negative association with certain things much easier than if I were to deal with them myself. It often brings us closer.<P>I know from past experience that I tend to love bust when I feel emotionally low. No fault of his except for the fact that he did indeed have the affair to begin with. It is unfair for me to do that. He has stopped his affair and pledged to work on our marriage. I must let the past be in the past and concentrate on working on the future. Much easier said than done.

Don't know if this will help, but it sounds like part of the problem was taking the kids along. During this recovery time, I rarely feel at all connected with my h when the kids are with us. We try to spend a lot of time alone (1st time in 5 years), and when we do take the kids - we know ahead of time that this is for them - we are working.

Genie<BR>It's okay. Some very wise people have told me that this will get easier every year.<BR>Flashbacks are normal - unfortunately.<BR> I'm having a heck of a time myself this weekend. The anniversary of my first trip to H**l which began the many trips there and back that gave me frequent flyer miles. It's tougher than I thought it would be.<BR>Pamper yourself a little. Forgive yourself for not being perfect. You wouldn't be human if you were perfect. Even though things turned out well, you still have a lot of crap you need to get out of your system.<BR>Do something special for you!!

Genie,<P>I don't the UBB stuff but here are 2 quotes from your letter:<P>"Let me ask you this... If your W complained or nagged you about something constantly to the point that you just wished that you would shut up; how open would you be to do something for her? <P>"Try to enjoy the Christmas tree decorating. Let it go, take a deep breath and decide what you really want is more important thatn your pain right now and do what you have to do, bite your tongue and show her a good time."<P>Unlike Bill, I DO believe that we CAN control our thoughts and feelings by loving enough. Let go, Genie, forgive him and OW from the bottom of your heart, forgive him daily, every minute if necessary. Forgive him and love him. You'll feel better, relaxed, easy, and will find the way of showing your love and acceptance.<P>But, I don't think your H should be the focus of your attention, your are the center of your own world, you must take care of yourself, for if you are OK, if you are a woman in peace with herself everybody, including your H, will want to be with you as a natural response.<P>Have to run now, I'll check MB later.<P>We all love you here, Genie, I feel closer to many of you than to people I see every day in my life.<P>Alex<P>------------------<BR>Live and learn

Genie29-<BR>It might be a bit like quitting smoking, every now and then you get the urge (the insecurities, the questions, the anger or jealousy). They say when you quit you should have a contingency plan to help you ride out the urge. <P>Just a suggestion, but maybe you and your H could sit down and work one out for you. Explain to him that every once in a while something triggers these feelings inside and you want his help in coping with them. You might have a code word that you say, which he then understands and he does what it is that you need him to. It could be a simple and pleasurable as a passionate kiss!<P>This too will pass.<P>Don't be too hard on yourself. Share with him, for he has a right to know. You might not think it, but he could notice your mood changes and without a reasonable explanation for them he might just take it to heart, or resent it, etc,. Letting him know about this does not have to be a love buster. It can be presented in a factual way that fosters understanding and caring between you.<P>Just focus on the here and now and enjoy this festive season.<P><P>------------------<BR><B> <I> Black Heart </B> </I><BR>

HI Genie,<BR> I think the important thing to remember is the fact that LAST year, he may have seen those lights with OW, BUT this year he saw them with the RIGHT people, his family!<P> This SHOULD serve as a reminder of the affair, a reminder of the MIRACLE of God saving your Marriage and bringing you to together again. <BR> If we TOTALLY forget the pain, maybe we forget the PREVENTIVE maintenance AND the cure?<BR> And more importantly we start to take GOD's MIRACLES for granted!! What do you think?