Hi,
I just joined.
Guess I'll go ahead and post what I know <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />
My husband told me about his "friend" mid-May. I did not know that they were sleeping together until the end of May. Before that I thought that it was a EA.

Supposedly they broke up but still are "friends." She is a single mom of a different culture. She is exotic to my H. He still has lunch with her often (a work associate) and calls her often.

I have been struggling hard. This has shook my whole life up and I feel like I'm dying inside at times. I am not on any antidepressants right now but really am thinking about it. Depression runs rampant in my family anyway.

Inlaws know that we are having marital problems but I cannot tell them about the affair. My FIL is very sick with cancer and I just can't dump this on them right now. He is weeks/months away from the end....

My family knows about the girl but I didn't confirm that they did sleep together. Guess I am too embarrassed. I have told people I know though...

It started at a bumpy part of our marriage. We just bought a house then I lost my job. I pretty much ignored H while I took college classes. I often told him to just go away and leave me alone...and he did.

Then I had several EA online while he was still in an EA with her. The PA only lasted a few months (Feb thru June). The EA is since last September. I came close to leaving H before I even knew about his affair for one of the people I "fell for" online. But after I found out...I just wanted to make our marriage work again.

I am struggling with Plan A right now. Not sure if I am doing it right. I seem to pick fights all the time with H. Any advice???

R.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">"I am struggling with Plan A right now. Not sure if I am doing it right. I seem to pick fights all the time with H. Any advice???"</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It sounds like you are engaging in the love buster known as angry outburst. I recommend that the moment you feel like opening your mouth to blast your H, you leave the room immediately until you finally calm down and can address the issue in a calm, quiet and respectful manner.

I agree w/TMCM - the most important first step in Plan A is eliminating lovebusters. I also think you need to read through "Survivng an Affair" together. Click on the link in my signature line and then come back with more specific questions.

Hi,
I know this is hard for you, and that doesn't come near to explaining how you feel, does it.

As you know, we are here doing what you are doing. That is, trying to improve our marriages. TMCM and John have given you really good advice, but let me add in a few things.

First, we care about you. It's hard to communicate that with words from a keyboard, but we feel for you and want you to succeed.

Second, this will be a long hard road, and much of the time you will feel all alone and often you will wonder if it is worth it. After being here a year and a half, I can say it will be, no matter the outcome. Please trust me on that one until you know it for yourself.

I hope that you can feel that people care for you, I hope you can find the strength within to carry on through the bad times.

After you read the info that TMCM and John have given you, please make a plan for the next few months and share it with us. As was said, come back with questions, and for support.

I'll pray for you.

SS

Yeah, it is probably angry outbursts. But it is mostly obsessing over the details. I can't trust him. So, if he says he went fishing, I just *know* he is calling her on the way. And how do I trust he isn't going to see her. I won't believe he is fishing until he brings back some fish lol. Trust is hard to get back. And I have none now <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I am still working on a plan. Right now I am just numb. I try not to think about it. He would rather not talk about it. He thinks that since he stopped sleeping with her, it is all better. What do you do for closure? Sometimes I feel like fleeing to England and living with my relatives...

We can't move is a problem too. He has kids from a first marriage and wouldn't be able to see them if we moved far. And they need us because their mother is not the most stable person in the world. We have only been married for 3 years (together for 7) and have no kids. Not planning on having any kids either. So, I feel that if he can't be there for me now...well, other than him what do I have to keep me in the marriage. It seems so much easier to just walk away at times.

What kind of plan? Like how long to stay in Plan A? Is it good to just never mention the affiar? Pretend it never happened? I have the book Surviving an Affair but kind of confused on the whole Plan A thing. I even read about it on this site but unsure what the steps really are. Any advice?

Thanks,
R

I'm so sorry for you. I'm new here; I just found out about my wife's A in June. Go to your doctor, antidepressents do help. Lexapro has very little side effects and also helps with the anxiety I too can't controll the outbursts when she is around. They crush you so bad and act like your the problem, so defensive and smug. Good luck. I hope your situation goes better than mine.
Bob

Well, I guess I have started on a plan. After walking around in shock, I am determinted to get some antidepressants. Just not sure which one to get yet. I meet with a therapist on Saturday.

Maybe once I get my emotions under control I can plan. I cry way to much. I think too much even for what I am going thru. We are talking hysteria here...almost like what a panic attack must be like. Sigh, not good for my emotional health. I still feel like I am walking around in a fog. And, I have felt like this before I found out about the affair. So, maybe this will help a lot...

Rowe,
It's not like what panic attack are like... You are having panic attacks. When the mind is severly traumitized, it goes int a mode of life of death survival. You body is pumping itself with adreniline and other hormones to prepare for tradegy. Just remember, you will feel like you are losing control or are going crazy, But YOU ARE NOT! Give the antidepressents a few weeks to kick in. My doctor said Lexapro also helps with anxiety and panic, but he also gave me clonapen for night because i was real bad at night and waking up with attacks. You are also not thinking about it too much concidering what he put you through. But you do need to think about it less. Force yourself to find some hobbies, work or something to give this a rest. then you can come back to dealing with it more clear. It took me almost 6 weeks to have a thought not involving the affair. But I finally had to say to myself that there is more to my life and I have to find some enjoyment in all of this. Now when I do come back to dealing with the A, things are a bit more clear. i cry still, but I know that later i will enjoy talking to some friends, playing my computer games or insert something you can excapt to. I know I will feel better at some point. Go see a councelor. They will help you figure out why these things happend and help you set some boundries. Good Luck.

rowe,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What kind of plan? Like how long to stay in Plan A? Is it good to just never mention the affiar? Pretend it never happened? I have the book Surviving an Affair but kind of confused on the whole Plan A thing. I even read about it on this site but unsure what the steps really are. Any advice?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My best advice to you would be to call either the Harley's for phone counseling (888-639-1639) or see cerri's site to get some real, professional advice.

Plan A is a period in which you try to separate the WS from the OP---this is done by asking politely, and showing that you are interested in the marriage and willing to do what it takes to get it back on track. So eliminating lovebusters is usually job 1. Meeting unmet needs that your husband may have could also be involved---but only if he's willing to let you meet them. Plan A is not about "not saying anything" or "just pretending"---in fact, Plan A includes requisites for being COMPLETELY HONEST (without lovebusters, a real trick) about how this situation affects you and your love for him. It doesn't mean that you need to broadcast this day and night, but you do need to let him know where he stands.

You should read up on the POJA (under concepts, Policy of Joint Agreement) and safe negotiations to attempt to negotiate your way out of this situation, with your husband. Ask him for honesty, and if he tells you he's still having sex with her---you CANNOT punish him for this (or else you won't get honesty for a long time). Your time in Plan A should be spent to show your husband a commitment to a "new marriage" that will be better than the old---no lovebusters, honesty, respect, etc. If you can't convince him to join you and leave the OW, then it's time for the Plan B separation. If you can handle Plan A properly (in other words, you can't shoot yourself in the foot with major outbursts every week), I'd suggest at least a couple months to establish this new pattern of good marital skills with your husband.

But professional counseling will really help you fine tune your plan. I strongly urge you to consider it.