I have suspected for several months but have now known for a month. I told W I know of her affair with her boss but she wont talk about it. I have been to a counsellor a few times and W says will only talk about it when we both go to counselling. Meanwhile the affair goes on. Don't know if I should tell OM wife or not. Any suggestions? At his point in time we are looking at trial separation. Wife wants cake and eat it too she has stated. She seems to be really undecided in what she should do and has real trust issues with me. Our marriage has been struggling for several years from my lack of emotional display and affection and I don't deny it. I have not provided her with all that she needs, there is no question but I have been doing a lot of reading and soul searching and know I am on the right track to be a better spouse but she has said she thinks it is too late. One of her biggest complaints the last year has been that I only pay attention to her when I want sex. So she has a lot of sex issues and desire issues. Don't know what to do. Help!

Yes, tell his wife. You would want to know, wouldn't you? This should be part of an overall strategy to get them to end the affair that Dr. Harley calls Plan A. Yes, your wife will be upset, but that can't be helped. Affairs grow and thrive in secrecy. Exposing them hastens their end. But, regardless of any strategy you choose, telling her is the right thing to do.

Because of the way sexual harrassment laws are written in most states these days, many companies make dating between employees in reporting relationships against company policy. It is possible you can get her boss (and possibly her) fired, though you may need to get proof of their relationship to do so. Check with the HR department where they work. Just the threat of this may be enough to introduce a significant dose of conflict into their relationship. Affairs also grow in a fantasy world where there is very little conflict. Introduding a little real-life conflict can be very helpful in bursting their bubble (but make sure you do noting illegal and/or violent in the process). For maore on recovery, click onthe link in my signarture line. Pay particular attention to the links therein with "Plan A" in them.

Good luck.

Boss is company owner unfortunately. I have known him and his wife for quite some time. Would it be better to call, mail or in person the bad news to her.

Absolutely inform his wife or you are simply enabling your wife to continue the affair and have sex with him. I would suggest that you get all of the proof at hand and call the OM's wife since you know her and ask her out to coffee. She will have questions for you. You are doing her a real service by giving her the truth. In addition, once the affair becomes known to all parties the chances of it continuing are far less.
In all probability the OM will dump your wife and go back to his marriage since this is probably a fling to him. You must inform the wife as soon as possible. What is the point of you allowing her to keep her sexual affair secret? If the roles were reversed wouldn't you want to know? I wish you luck.

Read the post by lulu..they have an explaintion of the how's and why's to do expose the affair--she just went through it..

And it doesn't matter if he's the owner of the company, Sexual Harassment Charges aren't based on company policy..it's a legal issue..but it doesn't sound like a sexual harassment issue..

but read any of the posts here directed to Cerri
and you can gain a world of helpful information...

Hey Decisions,

Sorry to hear about your situation. I just went through the identical scenario. W was having A with boss and I found out via email. I did wait a little while to inform OMW just to make sure I was doing it for the right reasons and had settled on things a little more. WW of course was (still is) upset because I didn't do as she wanted (wait until her boss left the company which was a month) and made her fantasy life come to a screaching halt.

The hardest thing will be to reconcile if your W chooses to continue working for the company. In my scenario the boss won't be with the company in a little while so she won't have contact daily.

I ended up sending a letter. But that's up to you. She asked for my email proof afterwards of course. If you do a letter, send it registered mail so only the person you want will get it.

Best of luck.

DD,
Absolutely expose the A to the light. It's the only way to get going on the path of eventual recovery, whether it is recovery of your M or recovery of self.

If you feel more comfortable on the phone, then do it that way. If you can do it in person, then do it that way.

I exposed all of my FWH's EA's to the light! I didn't expose them to my family or our friends, that would just complicate things, but I exposed them to the significant others of the OW as well as to all the OW involved. None of them realized that there were so many of "them". (if you know what I mean)

Expose, set a time limit for Plan A - then Plan A and work on you! Get on some medication, come here and get support.

I'm so sorry that you are going through this. The FOG and continued contact is the WORSE part IMHO.

Talked about the affair last night. Informed her that I had seen emails from OM.Says she will end affair and that if I tell OM spouse consider our marriage over. W currently reading book on infidelity and making decisions but has only shared a little. W now angry about email snooping and not saying much. Should I lay low and give her space or keep communicating my love and desire to work things through? She does not trust me that I can be the man that can love her the way she wants to be loved.

Your wife does not truth you because you snooped on her emails to find out she was having sex behind your back and putting your health at risk and breaking the committment to your marriage? She has some nerve bringing up trust.

She is now trying to blackmail you by telling you she will cut off the affair if you do not tell the OM's wife or the marriage is over. First, who is she to be making demands on you? Second, how in the world could you believe that she would not continue her affair behind your back? Third, she has proven to you that she can lie and cheat on you. The Harley's believe it is absolutely essential to bring the light of the affair out in the open and expose to the light of day. Once the OM's wife knows about it the chances of the affair continuing is greatly reduced. The fact that she tells you the marriage is over if you tell the OM's wife indicates she cares more about protecting her lover than working on your marriage. Her blackmail demands are unacceptable.
It sounds like she has no remorse and is quite the manipulator. I would suggest counseling and she should show honest remorse. If she refuses then you are holding on to something that does not exist. There are consequences to her actions and one is informing the OM's wife of what has been going on behind the backs of both of you. I wish you luck.

We will be going to counselling soon. Does anybody have any insight into the questions that should be asked?

The links on counseling in the page that is linked in my signature line contains some suggestions for questions to ask the counselor before you go there. Once you get there, the first session is usually the MC asking the two of you a lot of questions so s/he has some idea of where you are in your marriage.

DO NOT give in to her blackmail because in one sense the marriage you knew IS over (the old one at least) and because you cannot rely on her discredited word that she won't end the marriage anyway. Even if your WW does end the A(affair), you should still tell the OM's W(wife) about the A not only because she deserves to know the truth about her H but also because she can decide whether to continue being married to him or divorce him.

<small>[ August 02, 2003, 10:05 AM: Message edited by: T00MuchCoffeeMan ]</small>

Do not give up your self-dignity by letting her use this A to "threaten" or "blackmail" you into behavior that will just cause you to go round and round in circles while she continues to be in the FOG.

Get some good help, get on some medication. Get grounded in your Plan A and stay there. She is the one who has to come to grips with reality.

Good luck and God Bless!

Well, I just informed the OMW. Prior to this we were barely speaking and sleeping in different rooms. She is going to be very angry now. I have ordered the the SAA book but could use a little advice on how to deal with the impending anger and whatever else might come my way. I have read some of the threads on PLan A but need to know how to react in the heat of the moment.

Keep very, very calm even if she yells or threatens you. In fact, walk away from her and do not get into a yelling match. Tell her when she is able to speak to you in a rational way you will talk to her. If you need to get yourself on an antidepressants so that you will keep your emotions under control. Remember respect comes from not allowing yourself to be disrespected.

Well she is angry that I told OMW and we had a lengthy conversation about why I did reveal the A but not saying much now, just that is time to separate and see a counsellor to sppeed this up. I said that I didn't think it was appropriate to make those decisions in the heat of the moment so we are both walking around on pins and needles. Should I approach her and try to talk about EN or other postive things or sit back and let the withdrawal symptons fade.

DD,
if it were me i would not approach your W about anything right now. she is so fogged up that nothing rational is going to get throught to her anyway. in fact you're being in the right and arguing the point will probably have the opposite effect on her then you intend...it will deepen her anger and drive her further away.

no my friend, now is the time for you to sit back and work on creating a new persona for her to view. no more arguing with her...because you have nothing to gain. instead i would adopt a position of aloof disdain. be kind, be civil and be polite. do not attempt to be loving, affectionate or placating.

avoid any kind of confrontation! do not fall into her trap...she will want to confirm her bad opinion of you by emotionally dragging you down to her level. now is the time to show her by example that this is not some kind of game to you. that you do not intend to be a bit player in her shoody little soap opera.

go about your business, ask her no questions, make no demands on her behavior. for now, you must simply sit back and observe and in the end, you will frustrate her so, that she will come to you.
coach

She is moving quickly towards separation. Do you think Coach's advice is still the way to go. What about Plan 'A'?

just bumping

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by decisions,decisions:
<strong>She is moving quickly towards separation. Do you think Coach's advice is still the way to go. What about Plan 'A'?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Consider Michelle Weiner Davis's divorce busting 180 degree list:

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or
implore.
2. No frequent phone calls.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage.
4. Do not follow her around the house.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future.
6. Do not ask for help from family members.
7. Do not ask for reassurances.
8. Do not buy gifts.
9. Do not schedule dates together.
10. Do not spy on spouse.
11. Do not say "I Love You".
12. Act as if you are moving on with your life.
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.
14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.
15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words.
16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.
17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show her someone she would want to be around.
20. All questions about marriage should be put on
hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while).
21. Never lose your cool.
22. Don't be overly enthusiiastic.
23. Do not argue about how she feels (it only makes their feelings stronger).
24. Be patient
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.
26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out.
27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil).
28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly.
29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest
CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.
30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy.
31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.
32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because she is hurting and scared.
33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes.