Hello, I came across MB quite a while ago but only joined the discussion forum about three weeks ago. I sincerely believe in MB. And definitely want to try and save my marriage. I am not sure if H is having an A but I have my suspicions

My H and I have been married for 20 months now. We met on the internet and within seven months were married. This is our second marriage. I was a divorcee and he was a widower.
We have 7 kids between us. I moved over 6000 miles away from my country to be with my H and live in his home.

We have basically had a lot of communication problems between us, I would say from the 2nd month of our marriage. But we have tried to persevere. My H is generally an introvert and I am the opposite.

Our current fight has really been bad. It all started with me complaining that one of my stepdaughter's had been driving me crazy while he was at work. He did not comment when I mentioned this and he seemed irritated with me. Well from then on it got pretty bad and I laid into him with everything I could and he retaliated. I woke him up early in the morning and told him we might as well divorce as he obviously no longer cared about me anymore. It was once again very heated and terrible things were said. I then told him I felt like dying and that I was going to end my life as I had messed up for the second time in my life and felt like a failure. He then proceeded to take all tablets around the house away. Well it got worse as I just felt he wanted me out of his life. He added insult to injury by asking me how much money did I want and that he would go see an attorney. He then proceeded to send an e-mail to a male friend of mine in my country, telling him our marriage was in trouble, that he could see me whenever he wanted, that I was threatening suicide and that I wanted to go home (this friend I have not been in contact with since our marriage and he has no bearing on anything with us). So I was absolutely devastated and shocked that he was so badly wanting to get rid of me that he was literally begging this friend to come and get me.

He then took off his wedding ring once again (this is the 3rd/4th time he has done this EXCEPT this time he threatened to get his wedding ring from his first marriage down from the attic and wear that in future!!). He then left for work. He did not contact me the whole day but came home early to take his one daughter shopping. Once they returned home, he came and asked me if it was alright for him to go back to work as he wanted to come home early the next day as it was his other daughter's birthday that day and he was trying to make money for all of us. At first I was not happy but then agreed based on it being true that it was going to be his daughter's birthday BUT I was suspicious. He left at 5pm and came home at 9:30pm. We never spoke that night and I just went to bed and a little while later so did he. During the course of the night I rolled over and put my arm around him, he did not push my arm away but I could feel he did not want me touching him.

Well the next morning he left for work early again (7:20am) and then ONLY came home at 6pm. I was furious and hurt for my stepdaughter considering he was coming home early for her birthday. We all thought he would be home by the latest 3pm. Although I said nothing to him but yet knew he took me for a fool the previous night and I was so gullible. This really hurt. Although I did not show him any anger and pretended to be very happy in front of him and he was receptive towards me and seemed generally happy. We chatted while the kids were around and then went to bed. He made no effort to kiss me goodnight but did chat in bed (but not about our fight or about making up, just general things) for a while and then said goodnight. When he left this morning he made no effort to ask where his wedding ring was or that he was looking for it. He just told me he was going and asked if I could go pay the electric bill. I was dying inside but did not show it. It is now almost 8pm and he is still not home neither has he called. This is making me feel so angry as it seems as if I am only good enough to take care of his 4 kids and he is just using me.

I have for a while now suffered with severe panic attacks but have felt a little better this week and am trying to deal with them. My faith with God is also a lot stronger again. And the MB website has been giving me a lot of strength. I am having bouts of crying and cannot understand why my H no longer seems interested in me. I feel totally rejected and unattractive. Not to mention very insecure.

Things H has done to to hurt me and why I believe he is having an A

Told me he never wanted to marry me but was scared to let everyone down and did not want to lose me (Told me this after been married 15 months)

Told me he lied about enjoying certain sex, he has never enjoyed or liked it. (Told me this about 2 months ago) Yet he never seemed to have a problem before

Says he has sex every night with me as that is what I want not what he wants. It is not as important to him as it is to me. (Told me this a while ago and now again this week)

When we have fought lately I am always having to make up first. He shows no interest in wanting to. He always was keen to make up before and our argument never lasted long as the last few fights have.

Ignores me for days on end when arguing and does not bother to call while he is at work.

In February 2003 he sent a reply to an e-mail from another woman (he had met her on the internet before he met me) behind my back. In the first e-mail she asked him if he was married, he had replied and said he was married again but did still think of her often. Although he did tell her not to contact him again as it would cause trouble for him. But she sent a second e-mail saying she had fond memories of him (eventhough she had never met him in person). He replied once again and said he also had memories but that was all they were and he was married now and told her not to write again.
I found these two e-mails by chance as she had sent a third e-mail asking if he loved me. Well I phoned him at work and blasted him - he acted all indignant and told me I could get our marriage annulled as I did not trust him and that he was going to tell me about the two e-mails but we had an argument the night before and we then weren't speaking. So I asked him if he wasn't hiding anything why did he delete her 2 e-mails and his 2 replies??? He said he did not want to upset me as they meant nothing. And he knew I had a problem with trusting him.

Suddenly in January 2003 said he did not see why he had to call me every day during work. This really worried me as he always seemed so happy to do it in the past.

When we are supposed to be in love and everything has been fine and then an argument happens, he turns on me like a rattlesnake and just wants nothing to do with me. Becomes very cold and distant.

Constantly asks me why don't I leave like I always say I will (yes I know I have threatened this all the time)

For months he would leave very early for work - 6:25am. His work started at 7am. We were only 4 miles from his job. Afterwards I became suspicious and decided to follow him on a few occasions. Each time he only turned up at work at 7:05pm. He was furious each time I had followed him and then was always screaming divorce. He never once said where he was or why he went to work late. Would just say he pulled over to think!

Became exceptionally nasty towards me in March 2002 when I went home to visit my parents
While I was there, he kept asking if I was coming back - I could not understand why he would say this although he blames this on the argument he had with my teenage son.

After returning home at the end of March 2003, I found two text flirt messages on his cellphone, when I confronted him about them, he said a colleague at work was constantly playing games on him. I asked if I could talk to the colleague about this but he refused saying I would embarrass him at work.

Kept both sets of keys for his car on him at all times - went crazy when he thought I was trying to get into his car or if he thought the keys were missing

Found mouthwash under his car seat - that was in early 2002 (perhaps April)

Many times I would try and get hold of him on his mobile and it would always go through to voice-mail.

Found after March 2002, he was always staring at women for long moments, so much that it made me very uncomfortable. Not just a glance and look away but a stare and even turn in his car seat to look

I also think H is smoking - I have had this suspicion for some time now - sometimes his breath smells of smoke (perhaps that is why he had mouthwash under his car seat, not sure though)

Things H has done in our marriage to make me thinks he does love me

He does shows me a lot of affection, plenty of kisses and hugs

Constantly tells me I am the prettiest girl in the world

Tells me I am his best friend

Tells me I am His

Tells me every day he loves me and often that I must never forget that

There are times he seems so interested in us that I have such doubts about an A.

Please help me to formulate a plan. I still have no proof that he is involved in an A it is just a huge feeling I have had for some time now and have not been able to shake it off. H tells me I am paranoid and imagining things. His conscience is completely clear. Perhaps he just does not want to be married, realises it was too quick in asking me to marry him and yet does not know what to do. He comes from a very religious family where all seven of his siblings are still married. There has been no divorced and his parents have been married 53 years. He knows he will hurt his parents very badly.

I want to save my marriage what must I do? I need to take action. I do believe he does love me but perhaps just not IN love with me at the moment.

By the way I am not innocent by any means I have contributed huge amounts of LB's to my marriage and I know there have been many things I have done to hurt H immensely. I can also be very unkind and hurtful.

Thanks for reading and sorry so long.

Jem24

<small>[ August 02, 2003, 02:08 AM: Message edited by: Jem24 ]</small>

Dear Jem 24,

I followed your post from Negotiations, to which I replied.

I may be wrong, but in my marriage, my wife is in the mood early in the night. I personally like to make love in the morning shortly before going to work. This helps me to keep from thinking about other women during the day. I have gotten older, so now it is maybe every other day. Is timing anything you can try to change, and see if things work better?

It seems you want to negotiate fidelity. Fidelity can be managed, but throwiiiing temper tantrums and following in a distructful manner is probably not the most effective way to manage fidelity.

If you husband does not want to be touched, back off and try again.

My wife often rejects my advances. But I watch the clock, and I can try again in 3 minutes. Have you tried baby oil and message techniques? My wife recently informed me that she likes a baby oil foot massage. If my wife rejects one starting point, I lie still for 3 minutes, and try to guess a better starting point for next time. Have you tried music that he likes? I have massage instruction tapes from Eselen in Califonia, and my wife is OK with them. Do you have a TV in your bedroom? I can only perform with certain types of music. Privacy may be a consideratrion, with 4 kids.

Sometimes i will set an alarm to Wake me up to be ready for my wife. I do a few push-ups to get my adrenalin going, and then start working on her. I st the alarm for anotehr hour, so if I drop off, I will not waste the whole night. I keep as tock of 3 bottles of baby oil on hand in the basement. I have three bottles in the bedroom, with 3/16' in each bottle, so they can lie on the bed and not spill out. When I am ready, I put the bottles in three corners of the bed, and start working the most easily accessible part. Ready for a rejection. If my wife is still in the bed, the game is on in 3 minutes. Your husband may take a longer re-approachment time. Try different time lengths.

Are there any romantic videos that get your husband going? What have you tried?

Whatever is going on in his car in the morning, the important question is, what are you thinking might compete? It is not so important what is happening, but rather, what can you do to adjust? Where are your limits and comfort levels?

Best of Luck

Quipper
Married 28 years and still struggling.

Dear Quipper,

I can tell you that I have tried so many different approaches with my husband regarding getting him in the mood but in that way if he does not want to then there is nothing I can do and also I am tired of rejections. I don't understand it as this never used to be a problem in the beginning in fact he could not keep his hands off me but I suppose that is usual with "the honeymoon period." For me I feel it is very important to be intimate as much as possible as this way you also remain bonded but lately that is impossible with him.

Although we had just returned home from a holiday to another country and he had been incredibly loving, affectionate and intimate while we were there but as I've said just because of the argument we have been having it is like that holiday was just a dream. I really don't know what is going on with him anymore.

Last night he came home and I spoke to him in a very kind and loving way. I told him that I loved him and wanted to make our marriage work but we cannot go back to the way it has been as we have both been contributing major amounts of LB's. He did not say he loved me but did say that we must try for the next few days not to fight and just be decent to one another. He said then we can see from there.

Well I have accepted this but feel hurt that he also said he does not know what he wants anymore. So I don't really know if he does want our marriage or not. I am really confused with him more than ever.

Jem24

Dear Jem,

Sounds like backing off for a few days may be the appropriate plan. In the meantime, you can work on making relations with the children optimal. It sounds like you genuinely care for your stepchildren.

Let me see some of your affirmations.

Maybe read up on the MB Articles 10 aspects of marriage, and see if there are any of the few you have chosen for concentration, can be tuned up in any way.

Quipper
Married 28 years and still struggling

<small>[ August 02, 2003, 12:26 PM: Message edited by: Quipper ]</small>