Just found out that my wife of 23 years and my best friend were playing hide the salami for the last 5 or 6 months. Our two families did everything together, vacations, birthdays, etc... and we two couples socalized every weekend. The wife has always been insecure and tells me that I always (she likes to use the terms "always" and "never" a LOT!) talk down to her and make her feel 1 inch tall. I guess thats justifies the lying and sneaking. The (EX)best friend used the "guy talk" about our spouses against me. He knew her likes and dislikes because like an idiot I told him. They don't relize that they committed so many terrible acts - lying to us (OMW), cheating us, stolen from us, and even murder (my relationship with the best friend - He's dead to me now). I'm devistated. Besides counseling - which I'm about to begin, any ideas on where I should go to from here? Wife is at home but wants to move out, unfortunately economics won't allow that at this time <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

I am very sorry for your pain. To me this is the ultimate in betrayal in that it was a double betrayal that your wife engaged in an affair with your best friend. The fact that you did everything as a couple with this other couple indicates that this was probably an exit affair in that she new this would bring utter devestation to you and your ex best friend's wife.
By the way does your friend's wife know about this also. If not then you should inform her. You now know your best friend was never your friend in reality and used you to get to your wife. Your wife sounds extremely angry and is using your words to justify her cheating which is not justifiable. Of course counseling is a must and she must accept responsibility and show true remorse which sounds like she is refusing to do. I just think this is so nasty what it does to everyone's children and families that were close to each other. It sounds like your wife and your ex friend deserve each other.
Again mutual counseling is a must in order to have some hope here and of course absolutely no contact between your wife and your ex best friend.
I wish you luck.

Expose the A(affair) to the OM(other man) W(wife) and to your mutual friends and closest relatives. Your W(wife) and your former friend (OM) have not paid the consequences of their secret relationship. They have been caught up in their fantasy world and exposing the A would throw a bucket of cold water reality into their lives. Exposure ruins any hope they had to slowly introduce one another to close friends and family with the purpose of being accepted as a couple at a future date. It is a damaging blow that causes the vast majority of A's to die more quickly. But expose their A without losing your cool and without being disrespectful so that the people you tell won't have any doubts about you.

dear L2,
i suffered an almost exact same experience yet managed to save my marriage...of course that's what i decided i wanted to do....but it took me a while to come to that conclusion.

i want you to know that i'm a person that does not accept slights to my person with great tolerance so that my discovery hit me like the proverbial ton of bricks...much the same, i'm sure, as the discovery has effected you.

the thing is, that at this point you must take a step back and decide what is best for YOU and your children. in other words, don't let your hurt pride rush you into making life changing decisions. instead, do the things you need to do to take care of yourself...to heal yourself and get yourself into a position to make decisions based on logic and understanding rather then from a position of anger and hurt.

i'm sure that at the moment all you can think of is finding ways punish your W and ex-best friend and that's a perfectly normal response but you really must make these decisions based on more important issues. what is most important?...saving your family as you know it or enjoying some kind of revenge. think of your children and their future. think long and hard about your years together with your W and then decide what the right course of action is to be.

good luck.
coach.

lied2cheated&robed,
I feel for you. Even though i am here now for an almost three year marriage, had a similar situation with my ex-fiance and ex-best friend. I exposed it to everyone, and it died immediatly cause they couldn't keep their lies straight and couldn't stand the shame. But married for 23 years, ouch. I've been through so much and still can't imagin. But expose it no matter what you plan to do with her. Then take a few months to deside. My wife is cold and distant after two months so I now need to start considering plan B. And listen to these other people here... they have excellent advice and support.

I was in a very similar situation, so thought I&#8217;d share my story in hopes some of it might help. My husband and I (married for 14 years, together for 23) were very good friends with another couple with whom we did everything. Our kids were best friends too. On 1/2/03 the other H revealed to me his suspicions his W and my H were having an A for the past 6 months. Of course I was in total shock and disbelief over the double-betrayal. We had just spent the holidays together and I didn&#8217;t suspect a thing! We agreed to wait till were both 100% certain it was true (which didn&#8217;t take long), and a week later we disclosed our knowledge to our spouses on the same night (we didn&#8217;t want either of them to be able to forewarn the other).

I immediately began Plan A, though I didn&#8217;t know it at the time. It was purely instinctive; I just knew I wanted to try to save my marriage. We definitely had some issues in our marriage, but I felt our problems were nothing out of the ordinary for two busy people with two busy children. Apparently my H felt our marriage was &#8220;over&#8221; for the past two years, but he forgot to tell me that part. I don&#8217;t know what led OW to get involved with him, but in hindsight I can only imagine that their marriage was every bit as dysfunctional as ours. Here we are now, 7 months from D-Day, in recovery (I think, I hope). My WH and OW repeatedly told us (her H and me) that the A was over, but time and again we would find out from each other that it wasn&#8217;t really the case. Although I believe the PA basically ended on D-Day, they continued to be involved in some fashion for another 6 months.

In our case, I&#8217;d say the most important thing throughout this ordeal was that OW&#8217;s H and I stayed in touch with each other, and acted as allies and support for each other (after all, we were all friends before this mess). We kept each other informed about progress (or lack thereof) and let each other know what we were being told by our respective WS&#8217;s. If the stories didn&#8217;t match up (and they frequently did not) we knew something was still going on and were able to address it. He and I are no longer in contact (for the past month) but have agreed to let each other know immediately if anything suspicious comes up.

The other thing that went on (and I believe played some part in the demise of the A) was that OW and I had several nasty e-mail exchanges, in which she really showed her true colors (and which my WH could no longer ignore). In one, she accused me of not minding my own business and interfering with her life by staying in touch with her H (!). Even my WH thought that was very hypocritical of her!

Also, since D-Day I have read every single book I could get my hands on. The best ones I encouraged my WH to read. Even though he is a very slooow reader, he has done pretty well. And we are finally in MC (my H was reluctant at first, he just wanted to work on himself). When he finally agreed to it, I was extremely careful to find a good one, having read all the horror stories. Things are going really well at this point. I do believe the affair is now over. However, I hate to count my chickens before they hatch.

BS (me) - 45
WH &#8211; 51
Married 14 yrs (together 23 yrs)
2 children (D-13, S-10)
H had 6-mo. EA/PA with mutual &#8220;good friend&#8221;
D-Day 1/2/03
After several false recoveries, I believe A is now over. We&#8217;ll see.

Thank you so, so much for the advice. Time not only heals wounds but helps clear your head and gain perspective. I didn't have to tell OMW about the affair as she was the one that caught them (not quite in the act but, well you get the drift). The A is definitely over I believe, theres just the question of "Why". The pain of the betrayal and the feelings of inadaquacy (Boy, my ego has taken a hit) are the legacy that this "adventure" will leave behind - hopefully not permanately - only time will tell.

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jp216-

This is the place to come, I was in your situation, almost indentical from reading your description, about 18 months ago and things are great now. The folks here are a great help, the book list is terrific, and if you want to and your wife is willing you can definitely get through this. My favorite program was Retrouvaille, it is run by the Catholic church but open to all as a non-sectarion marriage rebuilding program. Counseling helped too. Everyone here knows exactly how you feel right now, completely and totally screwed, and many of us including me were downright suicidal, yet you can get over it, fact is if you read the statistics most people do. Eventually it becomes just another one of life's bad experiences, maybe even the worst of all, but it fades and loses its teeth over time, I wouldn't misrepresnt that, there simply is no comparing the way I felt then and now. So hang in there, ask as many questions as you can think of, we will all be here to help.

Jack218

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jack218