Hi, i'm new here. I guess I will tell my story. We have been happily married for two years, when i noticed my wife pull away emotionally and physically in February. I let it go for a while, just trying to get closer, but that just pushed her away. I asked about an affair or her doubting the marriage, but she denied. I found an inapproiate email in April, but she said I took it the wrong way. The distance continued. In May i really started investigating. I found notes and stuff written between her and a man she is attenending college with. I confronted and she said they were all just jokes and goofing with her classmates. D-day was June 12. In June I finally put a chat capture program on the computer and saw things I can't talk about. I new she was headed to his apt before work one morning so I Confronted her outside his apartment as she left and she finally admitted. I made it very clear that if she was unsure of her love for me, or if this was to continue, I would leave. I can understand and forgive one mistake. But if she does not want me I would leave. I want tish to work though, she is my life and my soulmate.
Things are bad. We are seeing a councelor, but she is so cold and defensive. She claims she wants the marriage to work, but has made no attempts to get closer or make it up to me except see the counselor. How can someone cause so much pain, lie and not put forth effort to repair the bridge when I have reassured her the whole time of my love for her and my ability to soon forgive? I do not call her names or throw things in her face, but I get very upset and sometimes question her intentions or if the affair is really over(she still chats with him and her cell bills are still crazy high). I do not bring up the chats or cell, I question why she is so cold and distant. How do I forgive when I am not given an environment to forgive. She is still acting like she was during the A, secretive, distant, non-affectionate and very defensive. When I say defensive i mean if I ask her what days she works next week she responds with "why, are you going to check up on me?"
I just don't undersand, we have no children and she seems so unhappy with me. Why does she stay and torture me? is there hope? I am a strong person who deals well with stress and problems, but I cry every other day. Help...

I am sorry to hear what is happening to you especially after only 2 years of marriage. My friend there must be no contact established whatsoever for you to have any chance of saving this marriage. Her contact with him and calling him makes it virtually impossible to salvage this marriage unless she engages in No Contact, shows remorse for what she has done and makes a true effort in recovery. The fact that she would engage in a sexual affair after only 2 years of marriage is very sad indeed. You do not have children. Do you feel she is staying with you because of financial reasons? In short, the bottom line is if she refuses no contact then she is continuing the affair at the very least at the emotional level and continuing to disrespect and humiliate you as a spouse. If she is not willing to do the things necessary then you need to contact an attorney to discuss your options.

Ask her if the roles were reversed how would she feel knowing you are constantly in contact with your female lover and constantly talking to her on the cell after being caught in a sexual affair? You can't force someone to love you if they are determined not to do so. Ask her why she wanted to get married to you in the first place and what did she want out of the marriage and her feelings towards committment in a relationship and a marriage? It just sounds like she is not mature enough to be married to you.
I wish you luck.

BobS;

Bryanp is right. The only way you can make this work is if she stops seeing, calling and talking to the other man. If this means stopping her classes with him and transferring into other classes, getting rid of the cell phone, or dropping he computer, so be it. Its sounds a lot like the affair is still going on, very heavy on the emotional side, and still physical eventhough you found out. As a couple, you can't start dealing with her infidelity and the conditions in your marriage that led up to it until no contact is established.

The "fog" that she's in is pretty thick right now, and its good that you're not hitting her with angry outbursts. Doing this would only push her farther away - exactly what you don't want to do if you want to save your marriage. That doesn't mean you have to be a doormat, either.

If she refuses to establish no contact, then consider what the learned on this board call "Plan B." This is basically telling your wayward spouse that if they won't stop seeing their OP, out of concern for you own mental health, you cannot see them. Either they leave (preferable) or you leave, but there it no direct contact between the two of you until her affair ends. This is a very hard thing to consider, but the fantasy of an affair can't survive in the real world very long; affairs are circumstance of deception and shadows; the light of day makes them shrivel and wane...

Listen to John39 when he posts, or seek out his posts. He has a lot of great information. So does TooMuchCoffeeMan.

Stay strong, and keep checking in here. This is a good place for support for what you're going through....

Jake.

Bob, you W(wife) cold, distant behavior is very typical of a WS(wayward spouse) still in contact with the OP(other person). Bryanp is correct that in order for your marriage to survive and recover from her A(affair), there has to be NO contact between her and the OM(other man) forever. If she isn't willing to do this, then she is still involved with the OM, and is just engaging in cake eating. If this is the case, then you need inform all close friends and family about her A. And if the OM is married you must tell his W(wife) about the A he is having with your W. While exposure of the A does not end the A immediately, it does deliver a deadly blow to it. It will be harder and harder for her to convince herself that her love for the OM makes their relationship totally acceptable because very few people close to her will agree and be willing to accept him in their lives . But be prepared for her to be extremely angry with you for spoiling her fantasy. I recommend that your read the Harley books 'Surviving An Affair','Love Busters' and 'His Needs Her Needs' for the purposes of understanding what is happening and to improve yourself.

I have considered the financial reasons. We both make the same decent money but have a lot of credit card debt. I could be. She could move in with her friend or Mother, or with the [censored] (he has asked her during the A). I just don't understant it all. She claims the contact is all school related, but I'm not stupid. The chat will start "can't talk now, just a school queation." She knows I had the computer monitered so she wouldn't be stupid enough to do any real talking. I think it is an EA now, but who knows. Maybe it is just about school, or maybe she is just hiding her tracks better. They are in a business school that is accellerated; because of this they are in a study group that meets once a week for 4 hours with three others. I don't want her to drop out, but i feel any contact is destructive. I, am in no way, trying to force her to love me, and probably shouldn't tell her once a week to "end it if she dosn't want me." But I feel it's necessary in lue of the way I'm treated. I have asked her all these questions of role reversal, and she say's she dosn't know how she would react. She just feels justified with all here actions. Also to clarify, I'm not 100% sure the recent huge cell bills are a result of "him" because the numbers are no longer listed on her bill. Again though, I'm not naive. Thank you Bryanp.

I understand that you are trying to save your marriage but if she does not want to cooperate in doing so you are letting yourself in for a long rollercoaster ride which will leave you emotionally devastated. As long as you put up with her **** she will continue to play this game. The reason being is that she has the best of both worlds. A husband who will take her back if the relationship with the OM falls apart and a passionate love affair with a new stud. The way I look at it is if she considered her marriage to you as being important she would have been crawling on her hands and knees asking you for forgiveness. She would have been working hard to earn back your trust even quitting the class in which the OM is in. Her actions make a pretty loud statement as to what her position is.

Any advice on confronting the continued EA? She is very defensive and smart with her explanations. I'm not suppost to know about the cell bill or few chats. The cell bill is over $150 for 1500 minutes, but no numbers are listed. The chats are short and mostly school related, but still bother me. She can't switch classes or take time off due to the class and school structure. She claims he is switching schools soon, but who knows. I'm just so glad he didn't walk her to her out to car when I confronted her cause I don't know what I would have done to him. This all seems too coincidental; too convient for her. I want to avoid plan B, but I don't want to deal with their contact. I don't kow how much of her cake she is eating. We barely talk, touch, or anything. I try to get closer, but get frustrated. The only chance she could see him now is Fri nights, but is usually with her mom or girlfriend, and i do get calls from her those nights. She also now comes home early or on time from school. But that cell bill! I wont tolerate an EA!! How do I get proof? Do I already have it with her treatment and distance?
Thanks Bryanp, JakeB, T00MuchCoffeeMan, tomaz!!

Personally I would not participate in this game she is playing. Once she crossed the line and broke her marriage vows it is up to her to show you how important her marriage to you is. If that means quitting the class she is in than that sacrifice should be made. Bobs, she should be pursuing you and working her butt off to make up for committing adultery. If she is not than the question of whether she is continuing the affair becomes a moot point. Look in the mirror and ask yourself what are you worth. Your wife's actions with the OM is sending a clear message that she places a very low value on you. By going along with her behaviour you are agreeing with her. My advice is to remove yourself from her drama. It should be easier by the fact that you don't have children.

Click on the link in my signature line. I have tried to distill the essence of what anyone in your situation needs to know, and where they should look for additional tools, but it is long. The information therein willhelp you have the best chance to save your marriage, and will help you in any future relationship if your wife does not eventually start working on things too.

bob,
one of the more interesting aspects of what you're going through is hearing to the conveluted logic that is used by the cheate in your life to discuss what it is they've done and in many cases are yet doing.

i.e. she saw nothing wrong with the affair in the first place, LOL imagine!? so now that she isn't having sex with him anymore, (she claims) why would she think that still having an emotional attachment to him is wrong!? LOL, LOL after all, being his best buddy is better then boinking him right!? so why should you object?

look...you don't need incontravertable proof that she is still behaving inappropriatly...this ain't a court of law...this is about marriage...the relationship! people who love each other don't do things to hert each other. then don't make them apprehensive or behave in ways that cause them to be insecure. they look for ways to solve problems...not see what else they can get away with!

i don't see what the mystery is here. does she want you or not? are you afraid to ask her in just that way. look...you don't have your whole invested in this relationship right now. you don't have kids and you are both young. what's to be afraid of?

having said that understand, appropriate behavior is a choice people make...just like deciding to cheat is. in my opinion, if she can't understand what's at stake here or worse yet, just doesn't care then she's telling you all you need to know.

good luck.
coach

Coach,
You are right. I talked about some of these thing with my councerlor today, and whether or not there is still an AE or not, her treatment of me is crap. She is showing how important I am to her and it's not very. I am still in Plan A but with my councelor we are formulating a Plan B if serious effort is not made soon. My councelor asked "Assume she is not in contact with the other man. What does you gut tell you about her commitment to the marriage and her attempt to get closer to you?" Well my gut tells me she is taking neither serious! I'm not leaving just this week... But does anyone have a good outline of a Plan B letter? <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />
Thanks guys and gals,
Bob

Are you sure its worth saving? I mean, in the first two years of marriage most people are still head over heals in love and would not even think of straying. Plus, it seems she has shown no remorse, no indication that she values you and realizes she has screwed up. You are young, you have no kids, I know you have credit card debt, but your finances are not all that compicated yet. If she is not committed to you, now is the time to end it. I would think long and hard before you continue in this marriage.
Michael

<small>[ August 06, 2003, 06:24 AM: Message edited by: MichaelinDallas ]</small>