It has been about 2 weeks since I confronted my husband. Since then he has been very good at showing me his affection.I enjoy this very much. The problem is he is now acting as if nothing happened. I truely think he believes all is forgivin and forgotten.He was very upset that I invaded his privacy. So we changed all his passwords and I think he feels more free. But I do not. I cringe everytime he is on the computer.I am not sure if he has conntacted her since I found out. She has still not returned my e-mail. It seems we are at an impass. If he has forgotten her or decieded it is not worth losing me, I am not sure. Will I ever be? How do I know.I am sure you are thinking take away the computer. It has occured to me also but,as I see it he has to rebuild my trust in him, as well as I have to rebuild my trust to him. How can this be accomlished? If he told me what he was doing could I believe him? If I look to see what he is doing do I not violate his trust?

He does not deserve the privacy. Get a program such as spector that runs undetected that will capture chats and emails. Don't tell him about it. Use it for your sanity. It is great you guys are getting along, but he has no right to be mad about invading his privacy. He lost his privacy when he involved another woman. He needs to earn it back and that will take a long time. Also try a marriage councelor. You seem too calm after two weeks, stay strong but deal with it.
Bob

Ya know, I am not going to offer any advice, because I don't feel as if I am capable of offering you anything that would soothe the way you're feeling at the moment. There are some VERY wise, well educated people here who will point you in the right direction. Though please do read this website very thoroughly and adsorb it and do the best you can to practice the teachings here.

One other thing that might bring you comfort when you're husband is on the computer is a program called Iopus. It's an internet monitoring program. It will allow you to view ALL of his internet activity. If he is a user of a messenger program, it will record the whole conversation (though, I am not sure if it works with the AOL program -- not to be confused with AOL IM). It will record any emails written, any websites visited, any passwords, id's, etc entered. It shows while files have been accessed on the computer, etc. If this would ease your mind, install it. It can run in stealth mode and he will never know it's on the machine...unless he might be a comp expert or something of the like.

I did want to mention, if you DO install the program (which is EXTREMELY userfriendly), make sure that you go into your Internet Explorer's HISTORY and deleted the log if you view it. If you don't delete it, and they check out the history, then they'll see the log.

lol I figure this, he's either doing nothing wrong and I am reassured or he's doing something wrong and I have proof that he cannot dispute or lie about. If he's caught redhanded, he may not be as apt to do it again <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

If you have any questions, please feel free to email me at wondrme@yahoo.com. I'd be more than happy to help you obtain the program and help you with any questions you may have about it. We could even chat on MSN Messenger or Yahoo if you'd like to.

Take care, hon. I know this isn't an easy thing to go through, but we'll survive <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Wondrme

You can also contact me, I have a lot of experience investigating the computer stealth programs and getting into cell accounts. And keep reading, I'm new here too.

Hello everyone and thanks for all your help. I wrote my husband a letter and asked him to answer some questions truthfully if we were ever to move on.I could not even start to fight for my marraige until I knew what it was I was fighting.At first he tried to lie and answered no to everything. But I knew that somethings he told me were in fact not true. So I once again got proof.WE spent two intense days talking mixed in with bits of argument of course. There were many tears on both our parts.Many times we ask our wws what they did, not why they did it. WE discussed why we both did what we did. I think now we have a base to build on. It will not be built in a day or even a month but at least we know where we have to go. Neither one of us were meeting each others needs.We were not aware of what they really were.Now we have a better idea, and we know where we need to begin. This sight has been very helpful. Thank you all for your support.If I ever need to return I will know where to go. But you all know we have gut feelings call it voices from our heart. They are what tells us in the first place when something is wrong. They can also tell us if something is right. Communication is vital. Don't be afraid to talk. Thanks again all.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> If I look to see what he is doing do I not violate his trust? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No. You verify that he is worthy of your trust. If trust is not earned, it is naiveté. He has broken your trust and needs to earn it back.

Please read "Surviving an Affair" toigether. If you had, he never would have even asked to change all his passwords. You need to create a marriage without secrets. you did not invade his privacy the first time - you merely uncovered a secret that he had been keeping from you. Privacy (as in - I neeed some time alone to nap or use the toilet or read a book or etc.) and secrecy (as in - there is something I want to do but don't want you to know about it) are two different things. Everyone has a right to (some) privacy, but married people do not have a right to secrecy between each other.

<small>[ August 11, 2003, 09:26 AM: Message edited by: johnh39 ]</small>

Pinky:

Many WS will use the "privacy defense" when they've been caught in a lie. Their reaction is a good measure of their recommitment to the M. If they react, they're still not committed. If they "respond" with compassion and frankness, then you've got evidence that they're recommitting.

Snooping with email or internet monitoring programs can give you the truth about what's going on in your life that your WS won't reveal willingly, but it can also exacerbate your confusion. I only snooped a few times, and each time I made myself "crazy" with speculation and worry. Just be careful, okay?

I've quoted this definition of secrecy and privacy many times on this 4um:

"The Difference Between Secret And Private

Private matters are those traits, truths, beliefs, and ideas about ourselves that we keep to ourselves. They might include our fantasies and daydreams, feelings about the way the world works, and spiritual beliefs. Private matters, when revealed either accidentally or purposefully, give another person some insight into the revealer.

Secrets, on the other hand, consist of information that has potentially negative impact on someone else-emotionally, physically, or financially. Secrets, when revealed either accidentally or purposefully, cause great chaos or harm to the secret-keeper and those around him or her.

Private: I believe in reincarnation.

Secret: I have a wife and a mistress and neither knows about the other.

Private: I got terrible grades in high school.

Secret: I forged my medical degree.

The Difference Between Truth and Honesty

Truth is empirical, demonstrable fact. Your bank balance, today’s date, whether or not you’re married.

Honesty is about feelings. If you’re honest, you are open and clear about how you feel. You can be truthful without being honest and you can be honest without being truthful (the latter a little more difficult). The best relationships, stating the painfully obvious, are both truthful and honest. Trust is built on both truth and honesty, tempered by the proof of predictability and reliability."

-2long

I am a WW. You are not doing your H any favors by letting him have his "privacy". Screw that. You need the passwords to EVERYTHING!!! Email (ALL ACCOUNTS), Instant Messenger, Voice Mail passwords for the cell phone, etc. Also, don't let him delete his call history on his cell phone! And if he does, make sure you are getting ITEMIZED bills of his phone calls.

He does not DESERVE your trust - he has to EARN your trust. Believe me!

I am a WayWard Wife who knows all the tricks.

He also need to tell you where he is going and when he is going and how long he will be there ALL DAY EVERY DAY. He OWES this to you - doesn't matter if you were meeting his EN before or not. Important thing is that now you are willing to work on meeting them, and he has to EARN trust.