Hi,
I started using this site last week, after finding out about my wife's affair. I made her leave the house, and was very angry for a few days, since then I have calmed down,..; after much deliberation... I came to the conclusion that I still love my wife very deeply, and really want this marriage to work. My 2 children are opposed to that..she has treated me quite badly over the years, and does not get along well with our children... she is very selfish and puts her own desires above the family........; but, I still feel I love her, and that we can make it work..; maybe it's just a reaction to her being gone.........I know that the best thing to do is to wait until she decides to come home,,for the right reasons. But I am going crazy with all of this... I miss her so much, but am determined to stand my ground.... and I think that she has too much pride to come back.
I guess I am looking for a light at the end of the tunnel.

Ted

Ted what you are feeling is totally normal for it's hard to emotionally ignore all those years of marital history with a spouse, even if s/he is a selfish person.

As far as your children not wanting you to reunite with their mother, I would advice you not to take their advice. As much as you love them and would gladly take a bullet for them, it is your life and only you have the right to decide what you want from it, and if what you want is to rebuild your marriage then they will have to learn to respect your decision.

Standing your ground is indeed the way to go for she cannot be allowed to beleive that she can have two men in her life without paying the consequences for it. She has, for a period of time, the choice to decide whether she wants to come back and work to rebuild her marriage or divorce and move on with her life. I advice you to consider setting the following deal breaker pre-conditions before taking her back:

1. Agree to never again contact the OM. This should be done by her sending a letter or e-mail(preferably in your presence)
stating her intention to never again have any contact with him and for him to seize and desist form contacting her ever again.

2. Agree to implement with you a marital recovery plan that includes counseling with a pro-marriage professional like Steve Harley (from the Marriage Builders Counseling Center or Penny Tupy (our resident MB coach, Cerri, and founder of Save Your Marriage Central) as well as total willingness to implement The Four Rules For A Succesful Marriage .

Dr Harley has stated that many times a BS(betrayed spouse) accepts the WS(wayward spouse) back without getting an agreement from the WS to agree to the above pre-conditions, that recovery never takes off. In other words, simply taking the WS back without the above pre-conditions, sets you up for a false recovery with a very likely continuation of the A(affair). I hope this helps you.

TS01,
on what terms do you wish to accept her back into your life and into the lives of your children?

if you will take her back on any terms then in my humble opinion, your children are right.

if on the other hand you want to find some way to save the marriage in a new an better form...one that takes into account the short comings of both partners over the years and strives to improve the relationship...then in my opinion your goal is a noble. just be aware that it takes two!

if your W can't see that what she's done is reprehensable, dishonest and destructive then what are your alternatives? while love is wonderful just remember that it can also be toxic in certain forms.

coach

Thanks, Coach,

The terms by which I would accept her back would have to include no further contact with the other person, she seek help for her drinking and pot consumption, she try to get a job and help with the financial support of our children, she keep reasonable hours, and she be more open and honest about her activities...for starters! And, in retrosepect, I honestly don't think that she would agree to these..........; I am beginning to feel after much reflection today that maybe in the long run, I am much better off without her.

TedS01,

Your emotions are going to go back and forth from day to day.

How long have you been married?

How old are your children?

Your wife still smokes weed? All day long?

You need to add some major counselor to your list with or without your wife. You wife really needs it though. You might need to get your kids some counseling too.

Can you give us some more background?

yes, I am on an emotional roller coaster.., but seem to have leveled out now with the feeling that it is best that she be out of the house..
yes, the wife smokes weed all day long, and drinks fairly heavily;... we were married for 17 years... and I do realize that we need some counseling, especially for my daughters, who are 16 and 17 years old
.