Five years after we met, we married. Now, my wife of 7 years has told me of an affair she had with her boss just before we got married, and that her affair continued until just after we were married.

We all know of the various emotions that go with this type of betrayal, even one that was years ago.

The bottom line is I love her and our 3 children dearly and am determined to move forward.

What I'm wondering about is this:

The affair happened 7 years ago. She told me about it 3 weeks ago. To me it FEELS like the affair happened 3 weeks ago.

Is there a clear way for me to put some distance between the two dates?

I find myself being more mistrustful and worried than the years of her devotion to me and our children warrant. She is a fine woman, a great wife, the absolute best mother in the world.

Any suggestions would be most welcome.

There is nothing to overcome. Your reaction is entirely normal. There are lots of tools available to help you on the path to recovery - which you could not be on earlier, because you did not know about the affair. For more info on what to do next, click on the link in my signature line.

First of I'm no expert so this is JMHO.

Try and discuss with your wife why the affair occurred as this may give you some perspective and a clearer understanding of what happened. And may help you both avoid similar circumstnces in the future, this is a great chance to educate yourselves about why affairs occur etc. But don't dwell on it as your wife is likely just trying to be honest about something she's been carrying around for some time.

Ask your wife why she is telling you this now. Is it simply to get it off her chest or is she trying to give you a signal that somethings not right in the marriage right now? Be open, honest and understanding.

If all is well and she's just telling you to get it off her chest then forget about it. Try and leave the past in the past. Maybe to help both of you overcome this new information in your marriage you both could re-focus some time on each other, sort of a boost for your love banks.

dear BU, may i ask?...what caused her to suddenly 'fess up after 7 years?

coach

It's very difficult to be genuinely close and intimate with someone who you have betrayed. And I believe your wife's motivation for telling you is to remove the obstacle that has been hindering her in being all she can be for you. I have found out that time is really not a factor when it comes to affairs. My wife's betrayal probably took place 7 to 9 years ago, and she still has not been honest about it. Therefore for me, it's right now! At least your wife is honest. Once you both married, and she continued the A, she broke your marriage covenant, which necessitates her confessing it. Seek to forgive her, as much as you can. Read Dr. Harley's book, "Surviving An Affair", and engage in counseling. What you are doing here by using this forum, buids support. An A hurts, it's painful, to say the least. And there are no statue-of-limitations on affairs. An affair is marital murder, but with God's help and hard work, you can overcome it's effects. Be blessed.

Did I understand this correctly. Your wife was having an affair with her boss while she was engaged to you and continued while your were just married and ended shortly after you were married? I would be in total shock. It is interesting why she would tell you now. I would ask her what she was thinking while your were engaged to her and how close to the wedding her last "engagement" was. Do you have any reason to believe she has done this again. Was your first born conceived during any part of this timeline?
I feel for your pain but counseling is a must for the both of you at this time. I wish you luck.

Mr. Moving Forward -

First, thanks for your post. Many cheaters wonder whether they should tell or just hide their "little secrets"; your post shows the incredible damage "little secrets" can do over time.

Not to disparage the reality checks some of the other posters have hit you with, but please don't give up hope. Most of us who post here are amateurs, and there are people who have survived unbelievable situations and managed to turn their marriages around. (I truely have no idea how they pull it off, but it can be done.)

Decide what you want to do, (it sounds like you want to keep your marriage), then please get help from a professional to help you and your wife reach your goals.

Good luck!

First off let me say thank you for your responses. I very much appreciate you taking the time to share your insights and opinions, and I am convinced these will help.

To provide a little more information... 3 weeks ago, when my wife told me of the affair, we were at the strongest point ever in our relationship. We were 2 months into a 3-1/2 month vacation in Europe with the kids. That is partly why she finally found it inside herself to tell me, that she was as sure as she could be that I would work through it. She also says she has felt tormented over the years, that her secret was preventing us from being closer. I believe it.

And she also told me she was tempted in the past few months to phone her previous boss to tell him she felt used by him. She didn't make the call. We came to the conclusion together this was in fact stemming from a building dissatisfaction in our relationship and will work on that (more on that later).

She says the affair ended 5 or 6 weeks after we were married, and that she slept with him twice during that time, both times on the same day while they were out of town at a conference together.

Since our son was born 9 months and 1 week after we were married I was concerned the boy was in fact his, and not mine. That thought was absolutely haunting to me. If it turns out to be his can I really behave and love my son the same as I had over the years? How unfair to my boy if I couldn't! And from my wife's perspective, how on earth could there be closure from him, and from the torment she's felt, if that turned out to be the case. I felt sick. We had to know of course, and so we had a DNA paternity test done. The boy is mine :-), thank God, so we at least don't have that issue to deal with.

Something she has done which has been extremely important is this: she told me if I needed revenge, to have an affair, go do it. I didn't and don't want to. She has offered me space to think things over. I don't want it. She is sincere in her regret, promises it wouldn't/couldn't happen again, and has a prevention strategy to avoid the possibility. I forgive her. She has also made herself completely available, she has remained in my face. She wants to experience my pain and be there to reassure me. Since we are still on vacation it has been easy to find time together. We dine, we take long walks, we talk for hours, we make love for hours at a time just like we did at the beginning of our relationship. I have read nearly every page on Dr. Harley's site, and others as well. She has read quite a bit. I have read her much material.

Throughout the past 3 weeks I have been crafting a document to outline what happened and why, her feelings, my feelings related to the betrayal, my feelings for her, and where to go from here, which is by far the biggest section. We now realize there was also a growing problem in our marriage. We were cruising and making little attempt to ensure our emotional needs were met. We have spent much time and effort related to beginning a new family, and somewhere in there we forgot about each other, or at least weren't taking the amount of time and consideration we needed. And there was also a growing issue for my wife who was beginning to feel trapped in a housewife/mother role rather than an intellectually stimulating and challenging role she had while employed (she hasn't worked outside the home since we started having children).

We now have a detailed plan on how to take our relationship to new heights, and already we both feel the positive affects of the time together, the talking, the intimacy. In a way we are falling in love again.

The biggest issue I face is my emotional roller-coaster ride. When I find myself depressed, hurt, angry, sad the whole thing feels as though it happened in the past few weeks, and not 7 years ago. This was a huge shock to me, and in the process I have lost my trust in her. I want it back. I think she deserves it. Our relationship needs it.

BUBMF the emotional rollercoaster you are experiencing is perfectly normal and as time goes by will have less and less impact on your emotional wellbeing. Give yourself some slack and remind yourself that you need time to recover. For what it's worth, you are a lucky man to have a FWW that is regretful for her A(affair) and has even offered you to have a revenge A to boot to help you overcome your emotional upheaval (although that would make as much sense as decapitating yourself to get rid of a headache). You might want to consider telling your W that there will be days that you will be overtaken by these negative feelings that they are only temporary, transitory and that you will be fine once they wear off and to please understand that your love for her is not in any danger of ending.

<small>[ August 05, 2003, 02:08 AM: Message edited by: T00MuchCoffeeMan ]</small>

I am glad you are here. You will find a lot of support. I also found out the truth about my H's affair with my former best friend 6 years after it happened. They both lied as they promised each other they'd never tell. Sweet huh? Anyway, I recommend the following:

1. go to findarticles.com and read 'shattered vows' and ask your wife to read it too.
2. get into counseling with your wife. It is almost impossible to recover without it.
3. buy the book Torn Asunder, it's great
4. find a male friend or two that you can vent to and confide in, don't worry about betraying your wife. You wouldn't need this if she hadn't had the affair
5. don't rush yourself into forgiveness. it is a decision and a process, not a feeling
6. do not blame yourself for the affair. It was her decision.
7. journaling really helps, as does prayer.

Good luck and keep posting!

dear beat up,
folks arond here are going to think that i've finally lost it...LOL that i've totally gone around the bend! but really, i find your post inspiring and want to thank you for sharing it with us.

some many around here are dying for the opportunity to win their unfaithful H or W back and are going through such emotional termoil that at times, just reading about it is almost as painful as having gone through it myself. then along comes a post like yours, which to me seems to offer so much hope.

and please understand i'm not negating the reality of your very real pain after finding out about the betrayal...i'm just marveling at how wonderful it is to view a great example of a person's ability to grow and become better.

the fact is that your W has matured and learned from her experience. she's faced up to her nightmare and and brought her problem to you because of the faith she has in you and in the relationship. you're obviously a very fine person to inspire this kind of behavior.
to me, it sounds like your W is a real keeper as well. you are very fortunate in having chosen her.

sorry if i sound crazy but i have great faith that you and she will solve this problem and go forward to an even stronger and more meaningful marriage. i think that you're both very fortunate in each other.

coach