I have recently discovered that my wife was having an affair in an Internet chat room. I did not plan on confronting her about it until I saw how it played itself out. One night as she was discussing meeting him the following week I broke down and confronted her through a barrage of tears. Since that night I have not slept, eaten, I can't work or hold a thought clear in my head for more than a few seconds....She has begged me to forgive her and promised never to do anything like it again but I know she spoke to this person at least once more since I confronted her. I am so angry and frustrated at myself for not having the strength to wait and see what happened because now it will always be a question...would she have done anything more than chat on the internet and the phone (there was one phone call that I know of). I am a 30 smthing yr. old man who cries every day and feels nothing but pain. I cannot look another person in the eye from the shame and total lack of pride I feel. If I continue down the path I am on I fear I will never be able to love anyone again. This is the most horrific thing I have ever felt.

I'm new here and just found out about my husbands affair 2.5 weeks ago. So, I have no advice. All I can tell you is that the first few days all I did was cry. Couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, couldn't concentrate on anything at work. But, it got a little better. It is still hell but I'm dealing with it better. Hang in there and you will get alot of good advice here. I have. My new mantra is "This too shall pass". It is sooooooo true.

I've been there.

That was 7 years ago.

I am more than OK today.

There is hope for you and hope for your M.

But, for today, this is what you need to do.

Go see your medical practitioner.

Tell him/her your story.

Ask to be put on an anti-depressant medication right away.

It's very important for you to not feel crazy.

This is not the end of your life.

Get on an anti-D ASAP.

Only when you can eat and sleep will you be able to think clearly.

Ask for time off work. Get a note from your Doc saying you need a leave of absense.

Try and contain your thought to the here and now, and not project into the future worries.

Take care.

Pep

jp good buddy,
what you're going through is a horror that no one deserves but you simply must get control of yourself. here's how i did it.

get into therapy right away...see your MD about being temporarily medicated...just for a while. get out of the house for a day or two...to seperate youraself from the pain. tell some one you trust...ask them for help or to just listen! cry but cry alone! do not let your wife see you on your hands and knees. she must only see a man of dignity, strong in his resolve to survive this incident.

do not beg, plead or cry! do not yell or scream at her. do not argue with her. make no threats and issue no ultimatums. make no life changing decisions...none. instead, be selfish with yourself. become a bit internal and give yourself time to grieve. then use the help of a professional, (therapist) to map a stradegy as to how to deal with this problem.

understand, right now, at the time when you're hurting the worst, you're being tested. now at the moment of your greatest vulnerability it's most important for you to be in control of yourself...not in control of your wife...yourself.

for the moment, forget what she did, may do or is doing. concentrate on controlling you and making yourself as healthy as you can be...do this now and everything that comes after will be much easier...believe me.

good luck,
coach

jp216-

This is the place to come, I was in your situation, almost indentical from reading your description, about 18 months ago and things are great now. The folks here are a great help, the book list is terrific, and if you want to and your wife is willing you can definitely get through this. My favorite program was Retrouvaille, it is run by the Catholic church but open to all as a non-sectarion marriage rebuilding program. Counseling helped too. Everyone here knows exactly how you feel right now, completely and totally screwed, and many of us including me were downright suicidal, yet you can get over it, fact is if you read the statistics most people do. Eventually it becomes just another one of life's bad experiences, maybe even the worst of all, but it fades and loses its teeth over time, I wouldn't misrepresnt that, there simply is no comparing the way I felt then and now. So hang in there, ask as many questions as you can think of, we will all be here to help.

Jack218

oops wrong post sorry

Click on the link in my signture line for more help, and my best efforts at compliling the most helpful tools for you right now.

I too am a strong willed and optimistic grown man who cries now every other day down from several times a day. You are not going crazy! You are not alone! You will not believe me but it will get a little better. You will begin to function again when you can start sorting it all out. I don't know about taking time off from work. I tried that and almost went nuts in the Apt. At least while at work you may forget at busy times and have a few seconds a day of peace. Listen to Pepperband about the Antidepressents. I also got an anti-anxiety for the panic attacks at night and when I wake up; they REALLY helped. Just ask for something non-habit forming. Get support from here. Get support from a friend you can trust (kind of hard right now) and get a councelor. Do not place all this burdon on yourself.

hi, i am new to this site..and am in need of help..i just found out that my husband has been having an affair with his co-worker for over 2yrs. we have a 3yr. old son together... he says he didnt love her and so on..wants me to not leave him..hes been crying everyday ,begging etc. my problem is there was no problems in our marriage..he was to me and everyone we know a great husband, and a great father..that came home every night to his family..he was seeing her for about an hour right after work at her place..that is the only time he would see her other than work..please someone talk to me, i feel like im going crazy..i love this man dearly..but dont understand how someone of his stature and God following ways could do this for so long to me and his kids.

Chushman,
Start a new thread so you can get help for only you. Go to the bottom of the "just found out" page where all the topics are and click the small grey button thats says "new topic." This will start you your own topic. I, unfortunatly am going through the same, wife and i had no prior problems and had a very happy marriage till she had an affair. Read the book Surviving the Affair. Go to your doctor and discuss antidepressents. Remember you are not alone. What you are feeling is natural. You are not over-reacting. Get a councelor, preferrably for the both of you to go. Everyone here feels or felt like they are going crazy. You will not. Good luck, talk to you soon.