Been married for 12 years and have 2 kids. I suspected something in November but just had it confirmed last week. He denied everything for so long and then had the nerve to tell me I shouldn't be upset because I suspected it all along. He left after confirming it. Says he still wants to work things out but I don't believe him. I can't make the images of him with her get out of my head. I know her, she works for him. He has the nerve to tell me he has hurt her too. I look at my kids and can't imagine not trying to work things out. Lately though he is in my face telling me how it is all my fault. I don't think he has quit seeing her. I've demanded that he quit his job and us move. He says it will take time to find a new one. I hate him right now. I feel so desperately lost and alone. What should I do? I don't believe anything he says.

After an affair, not trusting is normal. It will take time and effort on his part - many, many months, before you will trust him again. IF he makes the effort, that is. Meanwhile, you need to educate yourself abotu how to recover. Click on the link in my signature line for more information.

Hello,
I have just read your post. sorry to hear that you have been going through the same. I know the thoughts and images you are dealing with I too have them. I just found out 2 weeks ago that my husband of 5 years has been having an A with a co-worker for the past two months, he is still currently working there but is handing in his resignation today. Just know that it is not your fault or anything you did or didnt do. there is no excuse for it. If there is a problem they should be man enough to talk to us about it. He really does need to leave his job because you will never be able to work it out while he is still there. The one thing that has helped me is to focus on me and my daughter, He knows that I want to work it out, but why should I do all the work. I know that I am a good person, wife and mother, and that nothing I did caused this.My advice to you is to focus on you and your children. He knows what it is going to take to make your marriage work.

Delyn,

I am so sorry to hear of your pain. Just know that you are not alone.

Please seek professional advice, or at least think of the consequences for any action you may choose to take at this time. Decisions based on raw emotions are usually not good ones. Before you do anything, you have got to decide what you ultimately want, then go for it with diligence and resolve.

My first reaction upon learning of my wife's affairs was to do things that I now know I would have regretted. You are in the driver's seat. Put a game plan together for yourself then find out what your husband wants. Regardless of what your husband wants or does from this point on, you have got to heal yourself.

Again, think about your motivation behind every action. Talk with a professional therapist before you do anything. It helped save my marriage.

Thanks so much for your words of support. We tried marriage counseling but all he did was lie to the counselor. He is in individual couseling right now trying to figure out what will make him happy. I'm supposed to wait until he gets himself fixed before he can work on "us". He can't even decide if he wants to work on us. Any ideas on how to get out of bed each day? My kids and God are the only things keeping me going. I often feel like giving up, but I know that I can't. I just want to make the pain go away. We used to be happy and he used to love me. I feel like such a failure.

Dev, You aren't responsible for his actions. He broke the vows, not you. Right now he is in the "fog" as it is referred here. He still wants to have his cake, etc, and now that the affair is in the open and he isn't ready to fess up, he is lying to you and the counselor, and to himself. You are the strong one right now, even though you say you feel heartbroken. You are grieving right now, so don't rush into anything. Just do as you have been doing..taking care of the kids, and make sure you take care of you by eating right, sleeping and individual counselling until you feel stronger than now. Good Luck to you.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I'm supposed to wait until he gets himself fixed before he can work on "us". </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">There is a small grain of truth here - so, I say run with it. Work on YOU. Don't wait for him to be ready. Also, do a Plan A (see the links in the page in my signature line.) It is a good way to stretch yourself (though that is not it's purpose).

I know exactly what you are going through. I am currently going through the same thing pretty much. I can't stand have sex with him because all I can see is him and her together. It makes me sick to my stomache just to imagine it. Now he is the one that wants us to move far away. He thinks it will solve all of our problems. I on the other hand am affraid that it will happen again and I'll be stuck there. I hope to get over this but think it is just to hard right now. I hope everything works out for you in the best way.

Sex isn't even an issue. We haven't had sex in 9 months. He told me in January he didn't want to share that with me anymore, that I was a good friend and he didn't have feelings toward me like a H should have for a W. He moved out two weeks ago after he admitted the A. He blames me for absolutely everything. I try not to let that bother me, but it does.

I've read Plan A and Plan B. He has sworn he cut all ties with her, but I don't believe him. How could he - she works for him. He moved out by his choice but I think that he does regret doing that, if only because of the kids. He says he is looking for a new job, again I don't believe him. He likes being the big man at work.

I'm stuck in this place I hate. I have no way to move closer to family. I am a stay home mom and I was told not to find a full time job right now by an attorney friend. I feel like he holds all of the cards and I'm at his mercy.

I know I need to work on myself, but that is hard when I don't even want to get out of bed in the a.m. I don't know what the heck I'm doing.