My husband admitted to me the other day that he had an affair 3 years ago when I was pregnant with his second child. We have been married for 4 and a half years now and together for 5. We have 3 children now also. And he is just now telling me that he cheated on me 3 years ago. The problem is that I don't believe him. I believe he cheated on me. I don't believe it happened 3 years ago. It all started a month and a half ago. He asked his mom to watch the kids for 2 weeks because my father had been in a terrible car accident and I needed to help him. We were also going to work on our marraige. During this time he said he needed to be alone and think. He also told me to go out and experience life and to cheat on him. I didn't of course. I didn't want to experience life without him. That is why I married him. He and our children are my life. Then after the children came back he started moving his stuff out little by little, thinking I wouldn't notice. He told me he was helping a friend from work (male) move out of his house and was staying with him while doing so. I believed him. Then 2 weeks ago, he admitted to cheating on me 3 years ago, and that he had been staying with her the 3 weeks that he moved out. He told me he had started rumors around town to get me to leave him. Why would he do this? He also told me he didn't cheat on me during those 3 weeks. How could I believe that? The odd thing is, she has only been in town for 3 months. And he cheated on me 3 years ago? Whats wrong with that picture? But I started to believe maybe he was being honest with me and he didn't have sex those 3 weeks, until I found the 3 letters, in his work bag, to her. He is a corrections officer and she was in jail, (which she is currently residing also for stealing 3 cars in the past 3 months.) The letters he wrote to her had very explicit details on them on what he wanted to do to her sexual wise, and asked what it was she liked about the last time they were together. It makes me sick just to think about it. One of the letters was also dated a month ago. When I confronted him about these he first told me they may have been written to me. Something I knew wasn't true by what he said in them. Then he told me they may have been written 3 years ago. Another lie, because he didn't have the "Black handcuffs" he mentioned in the letters, 3 years ago. He was working at a different job back then and it didn't require handcuffs. Then he told me he wrote them because he knew I'd find them. And he knew the letters would hurt me. I don't believe that because I get griped at everytime I have done this which has only been twice. I found them in his truck looking for my CD's he had taken. Instead I found the notes, still attached to the notebook, and the paper wasn't 3 years old. It was in his handwriting also. I also found a jail report of hers, and a rose drawn on the back of it, either from him to her, or from her to him.
Now he wants us to be together and wants us to move far away. He also wants us to renew our wedding vows. I refuse to start anew with him if he can't be honest with me. This makes him mad and he threatens to leave everytime I tell him my feelings. So we can't talk anything out. He threatens he'll divorce me, abandon me, or kill himself. I don't know what to do anymore. I am devastated by this whole ordeal. Can someone give me some advice on what they would do or something? I am desperate for anyones advice at this moment.

Thank you for your time. I appreciate it.

<img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> Melissa <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

<small>[ August 05, 2003, 01:30 PM: Message edited by: Melissa Hickey ]</small>

Hi Melissa. I'm terribly sorry to hear of your situation. I don't quite know what I'd do if I were you <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I do know I would read everything this site has to offer (infidelity, Emotional Needs, Ending an affair, marital recovery). I bought the book "Surviving An Affair" which led me to this site which gave me great understanding of things in my situation.

You need to understand the reasons for Affairs, why they happen and how to end them. You'll need to formulate a plan of fixing things.

Moving far away would put him out of contact hopefully with the OW, but you both need to come into an agreement of how that should be handled. Just ending the Affair isn't enough, you will need to Affair Proof your marriage which the book and site helps with greatly.

Best of luck!

Like my wife, your husband can't keep his lies straight. He is also justifying the affair and treatment towrds you. Until he accept what he has done, and attempts to take responcibility you don't have a chance to move forward; and you will still be s#!t on. He is using the moving and renewing the vows as away of not dealing with the affair. You are too good for that. You guys need a councelor to mediate and set boundries. You need to find out why he did what he did and formulate a plan so this dosn't happen again. Moving and renewing vows are great, AFTER you get closure and the truth. Stay strong!

Dear Melissa,

Welcome to MB and and can fully understand the hurt and pain you are going through. Like others, I suggest you read, read and read as much as possible on this site.

Your WH(wayward husband) has been lying to you. It also sounds as if he might be desperate to finish his A, because he does not want to lose you, and he can see that his realtionship with the OW will never work, because of a number of things.

Maybe that is the case for him, maybe it is not.

Melissa, first of all, do you want your marriage to work? I imagine you do as you seek advice on this site, which is about believing in marriage.

O.K, if your answer is yes, your first and most ultimate goal is for your WH to stop all contact with the OW, if your marriage is going to work. If he is ready to make a NO CONTACT letter to the OW now, get him to write it. Tell him that if he wants to stay married to you, this is essential. He may or may not be ready for it, because he may or may not be in love with the OW. If he is in love, the path to save your marriage will be longer, but still possible.

Stop love busters right now. Read about love busters. No angry outbursts, demands (other than no contact, as this is not a demand but setting a boundary). Listen to him. Find out what it is that has lead him to the affair. Read about emotional needs, what has the OW given him that you have not, so he searched for it elsewhere?

You want to save your marriage? Plan A. Start now. Everything and anything hurtful he says to you , you have to ignore. Turn a deaf ear. When you are angry or sad, do it everywhere else but not in front of him.

I am sorry you are going through this, but there is hope for you and your husband. I have one more thing to say and that is This is NOT your fault. There are many things that lead our spouses to an affair, but we are not to blame for their choices.

Listen to the great advice you will get here, sometimes that advice will go against what you are feeling in your heart, but in this situation you have to think with your head. The MB principles are all about thinking with your head, providing that you love your WS and want to continue to live your life married to your H.

Take care of yourself and your children, you will get through this.

-queen-

Melissa Hickey,

Learn to tell him what you "think" abut his lies w/o resorting to LB. Just call it off and let him explain or admitt. If he got angry he was lying !, don't engange it with anger ... just tell him you could agree to disagree and this is what you think/feel.

-rh-