Hi Terrified,

Okay, now you got me worried.

Mmmmmmm worried I don't want to do.... thinking... ahhhhh... now that's where we want to go. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I have been a little rude and cold in my demeanor. I've now ruined all my Plan A efforts, haven't I.

Ruined? I dunno. In the process of doing so? Certainly. The thing is, Plan A and Plan B have very different goals and actions, and mixing them just doesn't work.

Plan A is really putting yourself out there to both show that you can be the spouse he's always wanted, an attractive alternative to the OP, AND to take exposing/confronting steps to end the affair. It's active and engaging and very much about the wayward partner.

Plan B is all about you and protecting you from further pain due to the affair. You can't do that and have contact without undoing the good stuff of Plan A. It just doesn't work. To protect yourself you need to withdraw emotionally and put up barriers. To the WS that just looks like coldness and withdrawal. So instead of the last impression of you being one that is pleasant and need meeting with a statement about how much the marriage means to you and how much you want to stay married... it's a continual chipping away at that with withdrawal and walls.

Tell me a little about what you did in Plan A. Needs, Lbers, exposing and confronting.


Civility...my mother and IL's wants me to treat him civilly. No anger. Like friends for my daughter's sake.

Uhhhhhhhh...... and are they insisting that he end the cheating, the betrayal and the acting like a spoiled entitled brat for your daughter's sake???? You are not the one destroying her family, he is.

A with a woman overseas (in the signature line). She's still there. Went PA in Oct'2000. EA before that, I guess. They have seen each other 3, possibly four times.

Can't see sig line from here. Ummmmm... did I see it's military? If so have you told supervisors? Also, Oct 2000???? That's THREE YEARS! Way past time to have gone to Plan B.

Ok went back to look. Not military? So what have you done in terms of exposing?

He calls her regularly.

And the fantasy world of an affair goes on.


Okay, I think I can come across as rude and cold. I just don't want to open the door to conversation which is what he tries to do.

I'm not advocating rude and cold!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> I think I'd like to backtrack just a little and talk about what your Plan A looked like, fill in the missing pieces and then go to Plan B. At this point the affair is really entrenched and that makes it a whole lot harder. Dealing with infidelity should be like one / two punch... not some long drawn out process. Might feel safer, but it doesn't work.

I often try to seek alternatives. His parents, my mother, my friends, etc.

I would say that if you can't do the exchange without seeing him, then the exchange doesn't happen.

God, I think I've screwed up.

We all do. Don't beat yourself up, let's just see where we are and what kind of movement we can create going forward.

C

<small>[ August 23, 2003, 10:20 AM: Message edited by: cerri ]</small>

Hi Cerri, Thanks for your response. Sounds like I may be one of those lost causes, right?

Anyway, I am willing to try anything...however, I'm not good at execution. Fearful of consequences...but I guess it's the movement you're referring to...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">.. it's a continual chipping away at that with withdrawal and walls. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">So how do I best avoid this from happening anymore?

My Plan A...I did very little exposing but I did try to improve myself in many ways. For example, he said he hated my eating habits (I ate little or ate very healthily in my mind) so I started to enjoy eating. He said I was disorganized and late most of the time so I focused on trying to be on time. He said I was always working (before kids) so I started to focus on other activities for myself.

I found out through a cell phone bill that he was having an affair with this woman from Belgrade. She's 27. She had been here only several times so it went PA in 2000. He didn't see her again until 2002. So I LB'd big time upon discovery.

Re:LB's, in the beginning, when he first left, I begged, I pleaded...I got angry. Then I started to do this less and just be nice. He used to walk in and out of our home, stay with my daughter, eat meals with us, give our daughter a bath...my angry outbursts were fewer but still occurred every once awhile. He was and still is, generally angry in his exchanges with me.

Plan B has meant that he drop my D off at the door, no more coming in and out of the house as he pleases. Legal separation is not yet in place but has started...he had a lawyer send me a letter in late May. Letter stated I should find a lawyer which I did by late June. She contacted him but it's gone nowhere since.
Are they insisting that he end the cheating, the betrayal and the acting like a spoiled entitled brat for your daughter's sake???? You are not the one destroying her family, he is.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Are they insisting that he end the cheating, the betrayal and the acting like a spoiled entitled brat for your daughter's sake???? You are not the one destroying her family, he is. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No, they are basically not confronting the truth. They have never spoken to him directly of another woman. It's as they believe she does not exist or that she will go away. Do you think I should ask them to confront him re:the OW?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That's THREE YEARS! Way past time to have gone to Plan B. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Counselled with Steve H. He told me to hold off a little. Last time I counselled with him in May, he told me to go for Plan B which I started on May 26.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I would say that if you can't do the exchange without seeing him, then the exchange doesn't happen </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">So, does that mean that I make the decision that he doesn't see D? How would I communicate this to him without appearing harsh?

Thanks for your help. I see that you have helped many others on this board.

Hi Cerri, Just wondering if you've had an opportunity to read my reply?

Thanks so much!

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bump for DZ

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