I had an internet affair, it ended long ago but my wife read some mails and found out. She is very hurt. I am doing everything to get her love back but she is staying from any emotional or physical attachment with me. She says she wants to have an affair herself on the internet and is now in chat rooms. She says she wants to continue doing that because she likes a chat guy .I am in a quandry and feel sad for us. She is the only woman I have ever loved and still love her very much. Is there anything I should or should not do to make her come back to me.

<small>[ September 11, 2003, 11:33 PM: Message edited by: humbleman ]</small>

Your W(wife) is like many BS(betrayed spouses) that once they discover their WS(wayward spouses) have had an A(affair), their self esteem takes a nose dive and feel that the only way to feel whole again is to have an A of their own. The sad thing is that while in the beginning, a 'revenge' A may make the BS feel better about him/herself, in the long run it only makes him/her feel much, much worse.

Your marriage cannot be saved until she ends her A, and since she does not want to end it, you have two choices: Divorce her (not your preferred option since you are here) or implement Plan A/Plan B (click on the my link below for details on plan A and plan B). An important component of Plan A is exposure of her A to your closests friends and relatives (yours and hers) IF she doesn't want to end her A. Exposure injects a lethal dose of reality into the fantasy of her A which speeds up its demise MOST of the time.

I recommend that your Dr Willard Harley's books 'Surviving An Affair','Love Busters', and 'His Needs Her Needs' to begin with, as well as Michelle Weiner Davis's book 'Divorce Remedy'.

Good luck and keep us posted.

Thanks for your reply. I dont know if I can call her A as actually an A.She denies it.
I have read the plans too. You are right in that she believes that she has failed somewhere. She also thinks that a wife is to be respected and not flirted with ..like men do when they have an A.
I guess I will wait.

<small>[ September 11, 2003, 11:35 PM: Message edited by: humbleman ]</small>

Sounds to me that she is establishing an EA with the guy. It would be easier if it ended earlier then later. And, yes if you love her and want to recover and redeem your marriage then both of you need to work on it.

I agree with silverthorn that your W may be engaging in an EA(emotional affair) and that she is just telling you that its just frienship and general advice to hide the truth (she did tell you she wanted an affair of her own didn't she?). I would suggest that you install spyware to find out exactly what she is communicating with this 'friend'. You may find that it's not that as inocent as she makes it out to be and that you may want to make copies of their chats and store them in a place she has no access to so you can use them as proof of her alleged A to those closest to the two of you.

Stop giving her flowers, love notes, etc. for at this moment in time, they are counterproductive. Please read the books I recommended to you in my last post.

Emotional affairs are just as serious as physical affairs (PA's). It was not dealing with the emotional affairs my wife had over the years ("we are just good friends.") that eventually led to her PA. It was only then that she admitted to herself that her behavior was wrong, but it still went on for three years.

Because you are a guy, you may not really understand this, but let me be clear: she is having an affair. See Emotional infidelity for more info, or read "Not Just Friends" by Glass. I am also guessing from the comment about flirting that your wife has a somewhat distorted view of what a healthy sexual relationship looks like. If you are Christians, I would suggest reading "A Celebration of Sex" together. If not, try reading "Passionate Marriage", by Schnarch. However, you are really not ready for that yet, since she is so withdrawn. As TMCM said, you need to be in Plan A. Click on the link in my signature line. There is a fairly comprehensive guide to recovery including lots of tools to use, and links to more information about Plan A which you will find helpful.

Thanks for all help. My wife says her chat with her man friend is only for advise. Nothing I can do will help her cause except the advise she gets from her chat friend and time.
How long will she take to heal, any ideas?. And will she? It confuses me for I thought that talking to each other and expressing love will help. She wants to talk normally but wants no physical contact, not even hug or holding hands, till she is ready. I will meanwhile try and heal my own grief at having lost the love of me wife by doing meditation. Probably things will never be same again.

<small>[ September 11, 2003, 11:42 PM: Message edited by: humbleman ]</small>

If her communication was on a MB like this I would believe her. It still sounds like an EA to me. Get the spyware, find out. If it is an EA it could become a PA, and that just becomes harder. I trusted my W completely before I found out. She became in a short while a very good at telling me lies.

One think, she is talking to him about it, is she talking to you? If she talks to him daily, and only to you sometime then it might be more than she says. Most EN for women are Affection, communication, honesty and openess, financial support, and family commetment.

Its up to you though.

Good luck, I hope your wife is being truthful.

Hi Silverthorn,
Thanks for your comments.
She is talking more to me now than a few days ago..I think those are good signs of recovery.
I wanted to ask the women BS if there is anything they would have wanted their WS to do which they appreciated and it helped them heal. That is what I would really want to know now.

<small>[ September 11, 2003, 11:44 PM: Message edited by: humbleman ]</small>

Yes that does sound good. Hopefully you can get her on the MB, that would help a lot.

I've donen't trust online chat with people I never met or seen. My W needed someone to talk to and the person who found her was a professional shark. In a months an EA started, in a little over a month a PA.

It just scares the heck out of me when it is mentioned.

Good Luck and God Bless

Dear humble please tell me if i am right. You are the one that had the affair right? Not your wife> As i was reading the treads i was getting quite confused as You and I have wrote to each other and I was under the impression that it was you that had the affair. I know that is right lol, but wow how I did get confused here. Since you last wrote in my thread you and your wife are doing much better. Please let me know if this is true. HUrtin.

Yes, its the same old me, who was the WS. The thread got confused because I had written that in retaliation my W was in chatrooms talking to men and she had found help with another guy. Make yourself a better person, be and feel happy, be around happy people and take care of the important person in your life.
My wife is opeing up now, I can feel that, I am sure she must be struggling inside on what to do , when to do. But she is also being herself, warm and caring and affectionate.
What do you think? Like you said, if you showed more response, your H will think its all forgotten and forgiven. I know it comes with time, for that feeling to go away and men and women are a bit different. However, one does need to forget and forgiev and move on. Bad things have a knack of happening if we keep dwelling on them. If we feel sad, listen to sad music, we become more sad and stay that way.
Feeling happy has a postive influence on all ond one. Do just that.
Hope you are well and your H is doing well too.
Take care
Humble

<small>[ September 11, 2003, 11:46 PM: Message edited by: humbleman ]</small>

When will mw W feel that love and passion for me again!!

I hope it comes back. Perhaps others can advise me what to do or not to do.

<small>[ September 11, 2003, 11:50 PM: Message edited by: humbleman ]</small>

I wish I could answer that one myself. My W is the WS and she is the one in the FOG, confused about how she feels, its clearing slowly.
I guess you will just have to wait on your W as I wait on mine. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Just keep on loving her, and meeting her EN, she will slowly come around.

Still don't trust online chat, email with male I don't know, etc. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

<small>[ August 20, 2003, 12:01 AM: Message edited by: Silverthorn ]</small>

Hi Silverthorn,
Thanks, I wonder as the BS , you still have clearer thoughts than your WS.
What are other WS-males doing for their BS-wives?
I know I have to wait, I dont know what is going on in her mind...she goes on chat to pour her feelings out I guess. I think that because she has not been able to share this with anyone else, going online is the only way she knows of keeping her hurt private.
IWanted to know from those who have recovered, has the same old passion returned to your lives?

<small>[ September 11, 2003, 11:52 PM: Message edited by: humbleman ]</small>

Hi there humble ,, It does not matter to me where you post. I have to tell you. I think you are doing exactly what you should be doing. Do not get discouraged if your wife does not respond . It is our way of protecting ourselves. I know that sounds harsh to have to protect yourself from the man you married, but we have been hurt to the point of broken hearts. I love my husband so much I want to forgive and forget , but Im afraid if i let my guard down, then he will also. Does that make sense? I see the pain in his eyes , as well as he says he sees mine. Time , time is what it takes, and you know who really knows how much time we have on this earth.. That is one reason why Im trying so so hard to get back to where we were when we first met. Well maybe not that far back, but I think you understand whay im saying. Your wife talking in chat with another male. I have done this myself and it does help , it helps to understand that men are different they think different .But be careful by the same token. Reassurance is all I can say I can not say it enough. I hope that someone else agrees with me about that . Its amazing that there are so many of us out there in this big world we live in with such simalarities . I just wish I was not one of them . But what is done is done. What you said about the sad music, that is so so true. I used to lay there and listen to the songs i loved sad songs and omg the pain was so bad. It helped in a way also but more pain than anything. Thanks for your threads I appreciate all of them.. Hurtin

i'm like hurtinhart. I'll have sex w/H but I don't initiate and it feels just like sex. I'm really not into intiating and worrying about being "all that" to him right now. I do hope it comes back but I'm not even close yet.

I keep telling him that I need more affection and he isn't doing that but it seems like you are.

I come here and another web site to get it all out and opinions -- not chat rooms. You don't know the other person's motives there. I feel like everyone here really wants to help w/rebuilding and that's why I come.

Hi, Hurtin,
Am glad to see your posts too. Much more insight than just reading books.
If you let your guard and start feeling the happiness , then you should continue that way. However, you have to learn to not trust implicitly, keep checking, tell H that, that it is your safety mechanism. I would encourage that, would also make me feel safe.
I constantly ask her for forgiveness, whenever she she heals.
I hope you begin to heal too. Feel happy, the sadness will go away. I feel doing small things together has broght some of the faith back in my wife. Try that.
Warmly,
Humble

<small>[ September 11, 2003, 11:55 PM: Message edited by: humbleman ]</small>

Hi So Disappointed,
I think letting your WS about your emotional needs is a big step and very welcome, if it came to me from my wife, I would actually feel respected and loved. I think this MB is great, I am thinking how to get my W on here.
Let us know want you want , how to help you heal. I am sure affection and showing love ( action is better than speech) will go a long way in restoring the passion in sex. And then the passion in sex will make the bonding more intimate. I am working on that only.
Hope your H can do the same for you,
God Bless you and Hurtin hart,
Warmly,
Humble

Hi humble, this cold i have is bringing me down, but i will survive. You asked if i thought you were healing. Im sorry to say that In my opinon, and this is just my opinion, no. I think it takes much much more time. You say you bring your wife flowers on a daily basis. My husband did it too for a whole year. It was not on a daily basis but every week. I have not recieved any in about ummm three weeks now lol. That is where it wares off. He brought me roses about three weeks ago and nada since. He did get me a card though and I was very happy about that. But sometimes it is just too overwhelming. I dont know I think we need to see a counsler. Maybe you two should try it also. I hate the thought but if that is what it is going to take then i need to do it for myself, for my kids. for my husband. Since it has been a year im kindof trying to stay away from the counslor thing only because it going to bring it all back in full force. But that is what I live every day so why should i be afraid right? Your wife is in pain humble, why do i say this, because she has no one to talk to about this situation, as you said she wants to keep it private. So did I and I thought I did until i found out from my brother that he knew , so i assume my whole family does. Sometimes I just want to tell the world to make him feel bad , hurt be littled the way i feel. But what good what it do . Everyone knows already, Just keep doing what you have been. If it does not seem to be helping suggest a counslor . Hve you yet asked about going to see one? Well my eyes are hurting because of my cold i think. I will ge back to you soon.,