I need some help... Since i found out a year ago from my sister no doubt that my husband had an affair, I have not been myself. I cry all the time, Iam mean to my kids whom i love to death. I love my husband , but I don't trust him, and what kind of marriage do I have If I can not trust? He says it had nothing to do with me, that it was just an opportunity and he made a mistake, a mistake he will never make in his life again. He says he is sorry, and that he loves me. How , how can someone you love or that is supposed to love you, hurt you so bad. My heart has split and I don't know what to do. I want to make our marriage work. We have been married for 17 years. The affair or one nite stand hahaha,, happened 5 years ago, but I just found out last year in June. My world came crashing down on me. Both my sister and get this, my mother new but didnt bother to say a word to me. He came home from work and I laid it out on the table he admitted it. I hate when he walks out the door, because my mind starts to work on overdrive. Will it ever get better, will I ever trust him again? Please someone help me . I want to love him again, but i have not forgiven him, and I know that has to come first. or maybe not, I don't know. Please someone talk to me , help me. I hate myself right now, and I know I should not. For I did nothing wrong. But then why do I feel like such a bad person. Hurtin, real real bad...

First of all, forgiveness is a path. It can be walked simultaneously with marital recovery.

Secondly, BUY the book 'Surviving an Affair' (click on Bookstore link above), read it, learn it, live it.

Thirdly, it sounds like you need some counselling during this time period.

It sounds like there is already no contact between your H and the OW. Confirm this. If this is true, you are already ahead of many out here.

Hurtinhart,
I hope you will act on what Tak says and not just read it. If you follow her input thru many of the threads on this forum, you'll quickly learn she is wise and caring.
Why wouldn't your mother say anything to you. I find that hard to swallow. What was her reason?
Your question: When can I start to love again?
When you want to.
singleguy

Thank you tak for your response,, Yes I have been thinking about counseling. I will indeed buy the book and read it. Thanks so much for your imput. It helps to know that people are there to help you when you are down.. Yes you are correct. The ow is out of the picture, and according to my husband has been since the night after the affair. See there is so much more to my story . The one nite stand happened out of town, while my husband was working. He was with one of his employees, and well they shared this woman. I want my marriage back to a better place, and I and my husband our willing to do what it takes. I just need to talk about it because I can't trust my own family, What ashame I know. Thanks again. Hurtin.

Hi single,,, Thank you also for replying to my thread.. Well my situation is very strange . I asked my mother why she did not tell me, she said because she did not know weather it was true or not. See my sisters husband and my husband worked together, My husband had to fire her husband , and ever since then there has been bad blood between them... My sister stopped talking to me when this happened. I would send birthday, christmas cards etc, with no response. So a year later I decided to call and ask why, what did I and my children do . She said she had not talked with me because she knew something that would hurt me. I pleaded with her to tell me, and that is how I found out about the affair. She said that they knew of more also, but my husband says no, that was the first and last time. I don't know if it is because they hate my husband so much that they would say there is more. I just dont know. My husband is a good provider, husband and father. He loves us all I know this. Some will probably say how can he be that good if he did this to you, I say we all make mistakes. Only it is very hard to understand . Thank you so much single, I appreciate your imput. Hurtin

I wish you well hurtin. I hope that you can restore both your marriage and your immediate family. Be strong.
singleguy

Thank you single.. Yes I pray that it all works out . Thank you once again.. Hurtin

I am going to ask Starfish to post some to you. She had a situation similar to yours, ONS (one night stand) with contact discontinued by the time she found out. She has successfully recovered her marriage. I think she will have a lot of insight to offer you.

What employee was your H with that they 'shared' this woman? Does he travel often with this employee?

Your family may hate him and that may be why that they say there are more. HOWEVER, I think that there probably are more. The act of picking up a woman with a coworker and 'sharing' her seems indicitive of a pattern of behavior that both he and the coworker find acceptable.

The WS (Wayward Spouse) is a chronic liar. He is dishonest, and that is what kept this secret for so long. If he is capable of that level of dishonesty, you really should not trust him when he says there were no more. It sounds to me like he is admitting to what you have evidence of, but no more than that.

I'm sending a link to this thread to Star. You may also want to post under the "Just Found Out" board. Put "Atten: Cerri, Starfish JFO About ONS Tak Said You Could Help" as the subject line and some details. If you can get Cerri's attention, you will have some good, solid advice.

<small>[ August 05, 2003, 11:25 AM: Message edited by: *Takola* ]</small>

hart,

Unfortunately, you're singing my song. The secon affair my H had (yes I have survived two) was a one night stand in a Thai brothel. He travels alot for his job and it puts our marriage at great risk. My husband also begged me stay and promised me that he loved me and that I was a good wife.....very different situation than most folks are dealing with here. My first advice to you is that while you can certainly be an even better wife.....don't let the folks who will come on here and say that the affair is 50% your fault get to you. It's poppycock. I was at home nursing the baby when he decided to hire a prostitute. I was concentrating so hard on my marriage....doing everything. My H knows it was his own moral weakness....and some folks here.....won't understand that. Let it roll off your back. One night stands really usually have more to do with alchohol and opportunity....and it's the external stresses (as opposed to the internal ones) that made the marriage vulnerble (along with the weakness of our husbands). Unfortunately, I didn't find out until a year later! Found an odd credit card bill for "Ms. Kwongs escort service" I was in the middle of an overseas move!!!! I just as devastated as if it had happened yesterday.

So let me give you the good news:

The fact that it happened long ago, already proves that your marriage is viable. If it was in bad shape, he would have done more than a one nighter. So you know you can save your marriage.

Look around....you may not feel lucky, but you are. Most of the WS's here are in emotional long term affairs.....fighting that is way harder. These details that roll around in your mind....are continually refreshed in the lives of these folks. We have one night of memories to contend with....and that is a blessing...a black one....but one none the less.

You can learn to love and trust your husband again, but some things will probably have to happen first. You'll probably need to get the answers to all of your questions....it needs to be solid and real...not your imaginings before you can face and put it away. Your husband needs to be willing to do things to compensate for the affair.....show remorse (I made mine go to confession), get some counseling (I specified 6 months), open his life to you completely....these are some starters.

Ask me anything you think I can help with. hugs.

Thank you so much Tak for sending star to me. You and her have already helped me so much with just questions. When my husband told me about the night, the look in his eyes was sheer pain, and hurt. I cann't explain.. For this one image in my head do I believe that it was truly the first and last affair. I may be wrong, and I pray Im not, but this is what I feel in my heart. Thank you once agina Tak, I really appreciate your words. Hurtin

Wow, Star you are wise. Im sorry you had to go through this horrible ordeal as well. Yes I do feel lucky that this was just a one night stand, but also so hurt and angry. The employee that my husband was with no longer works for the company. My husband said they were eating dinner in the hotel restraunt , and where flirting with the waitress. They work in the restraunt after hours for the job he does. There they flirted some more, and he says one thing lead to another and he asked her if she wanted to have a drink upstairs after they finished. Well she did arrive at the room, and he gave her oral sex. He said he realized how wrong he was and got up, I told him yeah right, you cant just stop . He said the employee was standing there naked and he got up then the employee had sex with her. I also feel as though it happened yesterday. It haunts me anytime we go out to eat, or stay in a hotel. I have not made love to my husband in a hotel . I just cant do it. My husband says it was just an opportunity, and he took it . He said he loves me and that I did nothing to make him do it just the opportunity. He also says he was not drinking , the ow did bring wine coolers but he says she was already drunk when she got to the room. I believe he has told me the gruesome details as truths oh boy there is so much more, but i dont want to lose your ear lol. I agree my husband has to show remorse and what better way than with confession, Thank you so so much You dont know how much you have helped me already. I love my husband and I know he loves me, now I just have to trust, and he has to show the remorse, he does but not quite the right way, if that makes any sense. Thanks again Hurtin

hurt,

I hardly ever come to this board.....and it doesn't get much traffic. I would suggest you move over to JFO. You will find others who share your experience and can help. I also think that there are some of the best veterans for advice over there. You can ask the moderator to move your thread....or just make a new post. If you need me.....post to me so I will see it and not miss it. hugs. This will get better....I promise.

I'm glad that the employee no longer works with him. Does the waitress? What do you think it will take for you to trust your H again?

I, also, repeat my suggestion that you move over to JFO. While I post often on the Emotional Needs board, I highly suggest that you avoid it for now. You need some solid advice, and not a bunch of errant nonsense about Plan A. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> There are some awesome people on EN, but they also will find you on JFO.

Thank you Tak,, Yes I am going to move over to jfo. Star suggested maybe moving my post. How do I go about doing this. I am fairly new to this well very new. Do you suggest I just start over with my story? Im so grateful in finding this site. I had a rough day today, and I really don't know why. Thanks again. Hurtin

Email the moderator at nokomismb@hotmail.com and ask the mod to move the thread. Your post and all responses will go with it. They moved one just last week.

hurtinhart,

Would you like this thread moved to the JFO board? Please let me know.

Thanks,
Nokomis

Oh yes please. Yes yes, i was just trying to do that very thing well not move it but start over again.. Thank you so much Nokomis Yes please move me . Thanks again Hurtin

This thread has been moved from the 'Other Topics' board per the topic originator's request.

I see you made it over here. How's everything going?

Hi Tak Yes I was moved thank goodness. Well Im fine, having a hard day today. It seems to come and go. But today my husband is having a meeting here in town, but at a hotel.. Everytime he has to go to a hotel i Just can't help but think. Then I land up being terrible the rest of the day. Thank you so much for suggesting the move, I hope that I can get some more responses. If I could just trust I know my life would be much easier, but for now I just have to rely on hope.
Thanks Hurtin