Wow, I really wish I could have talked to someone today.. Well I got through it. Well almost lol, its about 6:15 pm here. I have read some of the other threads and it seems my problems are small compared to most.. Then why do I feel this pain. Please say some prayers to help me get through this.. Hurtin <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Well seems im not getting much traffic here either. Maybe this was a bad idea to come in. Thanks for the help you gave me Tak, and Star. I trully appreciated your time. Hurtin

Hey Hurtin,
I'm all for you, just don't know what to say. But I will post so that you know someone cares. Did you get the book "Surviving an Affair" and start counseling? Tak and Star give excellent advice, but you HAVE to follow thru. Doing nothing but thinking about your pain causes depression. Do what they tell you. Is it easy? No way. But at least your headed in the right direction. I will keep responding so you know people are thinking of you.
singleguy

Thank you single. It is just so hard when you have no one to talk to. I have begun looking for a counslor but I have not bought the book yet. I spoke with my husband about going into counseling and he is all for it. He says he will do what ever it takes . I just hate the thought of those awful feelings coming out all over again, while talking with someone.. Here it is easy I dont have to face anyone, on a one on one basis. Does that make sense? But Im willing to try it to save my marriage. Thanks once again, and by the way, anything you have to say is better than nothing said at all. Thanks hurtin.

hurtin,
The pain does lessen over time. This news is just fresh to you even if it happened awhile ago. I can remember wanting to puke my guts out the first time I drove by the hotel they first "did it" at. Actually I drove by the hotel on my way to work everyday. I just didn't know that it had that kind of "history" attached to me personally!! As for the trusting, that's natural to not feel trusting at this point. I would encourage you to not feel guilty about it. Your husband is the one who's actions created the mistrust. You and he will need to work on what kinds of things he can do to help reassure you and rebuild the trust. Don't worry about whether or not your situation isn't as "bad" as others on MB. Pain is pain! Most of us want to rebuild a good marriage in spite of infidelity. Most of us still love our partners in spite of the infidelity. You've come to the right place. Please help yourself by following through on the counselling and reading others have mentioned. You deserve support at this time. Take care!

Thanks lil mary,, Yes for some time now I have thought about the counseling... I have been reading relationship rescue . And it does help. My high school reunion is in a couple of weeks and I wanted to go so bad but it is going to be at one of the local hotels here,and well my husband worked there many years ago. Im afraid that the state im in, I will bring up the affair . My husband and two children have traveled this last year to different places and each time I am a wreck I try not to show my feelings around the kids, but when nite falls and the lights are out my mind wonders to places I would rather not go. Im so grateful to finding this web site. Thanks for responding to my thread I appreciate everyones imput. Hurtin.

Just checking in to see if there are any more responses. Last night my husband brought me a dozen red roses. It was so thoughtful. I really appreciated them.. We seem to be doing better, since I have been posting here. I have come to realize that I need to start believing in our marriage again so I can start to heal. Talking to each other sure does help. Plus reading !! Thanks again everyone who has reasponded to my thread.

Hi Hurtihart,
I see something similar happening to my wife and I think we can help each other.
I was the WS who had an affair several years ago and my wife found She doesnt talk much, says she doesnt know when the old feelings will come back.
I dont how you feel what your husband should do to help you or regain your love.
I have been doing everything I can. Help her in her work and help her at home. She knows that but does not acknowledge. She is not wanting much physical contact, I understand and respect that too. I am trying to talk more to her but she is not showing any emotions. She remains quite when I am with her.
She takes advise from chatrooms. What will you do? Should I stop doing these things or carry on anyway. I am hiding my own pain , no point pouring that on her as well.
Hope you can offer some insight.
For you I would say, does he do all these things which I am doing and if does what do you feel? Where has that love gone and when will it come back. Reading books is one thing, practically sometimes things are diferent.
I think we can help each other. Hoping to hear from you soon.

<small>[ September 11, 2003, 10:02 PM: Message edited by: humbleman ]</small>

Dear Humble,, Thank God I think you and I can trully help each other. Our situations are very similar and omg Everything you typed about is what I have felt. It is so hard to explain to you men. We want to love you, we still love you. The pain is so great. I feel exactly how your wife is feeling. And yes my husband is doing exactly what you are in hopes he will get a response from me. I have to admit, that since I have been coming here I have been able to recieve what he is giving me to a certain point. But then again, there are those days that I am just like your wife. He caters to me hand and foot. Sometimes I feel so so bad for making him feel useless.But then again there are days when I just want him to feel my hurt. On those days it is when I feel , that because I have responded to him that in his mind everything is ok , better. Then I lash out again only to feel even worse. How old are your children? Ours are 4 and 8. This is very very fresh in your w mind, heart , soul. Give her some space, but not so much that she feels you have given up. When you see her in another world. Offer a hug, but dont force it on her. She is very emotional right now. How is she around your children? I look forward to hearing from you. We can help each other I know we can. Im going to try and get my husband to come in . Maybe if he sees from you, we can all help each other. He is also hurting I know that. It hurts to see him hurt as well. Thank you. hurtin

Hi Hart,
Good to hear from you and know how you feel. I can make out the same going on with my W. My kids are 6 and 2 and my wife has always been very protective and caring , she is doing that now. She has a very resposnible job, full time, she is doing wonders there as well. She does not like the internet thing, knowing now what it did to me but as I wrote , she wanst to feel " the bad" thing by visiting chat rooms. She wants space, I am giving that her. I have not dared to try and hug or kiss. If she lets me touch her arm sometimes I feel okay. I dont know if she wants more or not. Please help.
And thanks. I understand that showing a response may mean all is okay and kiss and make up..well thats not going to happen. I am paying for my mistake, big time, I know it.

<small>[ September 11, 2003, 10:12 PM: Message edited by: humbleman ]</small>

Hi Humble how are you today? Well I can definately identify with your wife, that for sure. It is going to take some time for her to let you back in. I myself have not allowed my husband back in the way he should be for fear i will get hurt all over again. The thing about her going to chat rooms i feel is, well you dont know the people there, you can tell them things you would not even tell your family. Does anyone else know of your affair? (family members) She is lost right now, she does not want to talk to anyone else because she is ashamed. I remember when i found out. My parents live right next door to us, and I could not face my mother. I know I had nothing to be ashamed about for I did nothing wrong, but it is so deep within you. My mom came outside and I just wanted to run away for fear she would see right through me. It is so horrible. I wish I could talk with your wife . Her and I cold share what we are feeling. I cannot talk to my family about my feelings, i mean really, my sister and mother kept this from me. Humble I need to ask you this question. You don't need to answer it , but it would help . Why? Why did you do it? My husband says it was a mistake. A opportunity that was just there. Have you bought the book everyone talks about here? (Surviving an affair). My husband went out and purchased Dr. Phils book Relationship rescue. He started to read it , but then just stopped. When I was in one of my moods, I asked him why he said what for I have tried doing everything it suggests and no response from you. He needs to understand that it is not as easy for us, the wives. We are the ones that got stabbed in the heart. Yes you men are also hurting but hurting for something you caused. I don't like my husband to hurt, but like I said before. Sometimes I just want him to feel my hurt. I believe it is wrong of me to feel that way, but im being totally honest. I love my husband and you mentioned your wife also wants your marriage to work. Don't worry about her being on the internet for right now, it is her way of getting through when she feels most vulnerable. At least that is how it was for me, and still is at times. Another question for you. Why did you not delete the old mail? And does this person live near you? Please make no more contact with this person. If you want your marriage to work there cannot be contact. The reason she will take advise from chatrooms is because she is afraid you will lie to her , afraid she will get hurt again. Bear with her. I know it is frustrating believe me. Im so mean to my husband at times. I do feel im getting better as I come in to MB. I think you are trully sorry as my best fried tells me she believes my husband is. But our hearts have been torn apart everything we believed in was thrown out the door with the dirt. It will take some time for us all of us to heal including you and my husband. Do you children know ? I have so much to say and yet I feel i am saying to much lol does that make sense. I mean I could type for hours on this subject . Waiting to hear from you . Take care and be patient please. One other thing reassure her at times. Let her know you will never do it again. I need my husband to tell me that more . bye for now ,, hurtin

Have not seen you today humble,, I hope all is good with you.. hurtin

Hi Hurtin,
I just came in saw your reply. Thanks you are providing really useful insight, I know my W is hurting and I can feel that from you too.The OW had come very strongly on me on Internet , foolishly I fell into it, she remained a lot private though, lying to me about a lot of things. Why did I do it? Well, silly of me but it was lack of companionship and passion from my W, she kept awfully busy with work, house and kids and had less time for me. I felt the need for it and it was easy on internet. Very foolish, I should have been more patient , I would never do this in public life. Internet offered privacy and annonymity, Please keep writing as much as you can.
Did I leave something out?..more in a bit.

<small>[ September 11, 2003, 10:16 PM: Message edited by: humbleman ]</small>

Hi again,
About the Book on relationships. No I have not read it. I have read a lot online about relatiosnhip , it is foolish to say this but this is the kind of advise I give to others. I have been the mediator in many marriages of friends. That is why my W hurts. Hey Hurtin, hope your husband is doing such things too, I dont know when you will stop hurting..its tough..hang on..help is here..and think about the wonderful times you spent, it will revive your old passion, do the things you liked together.

<small>[ September 11, 2003, 10:23 PM: Message edited by: humbleman ]</small>

Hi Humble,, I cant believe how much you and my husband have in common, The humor, the achievements, etc. He also is very liked especially for his humor. I think most of our friends would just about die if they knew what he had done. Actually I dont think they would believe it. I never thought it would happen. Anyway Im glad there is no further contact. I also feel the imput from others is very helpful. As for your wife I think you are right she does feel for you but, your right, she is afraid to trust. I have just recently began to hold my husbands hand, kiss him on the forehead etc. I want to do it more, but then again (afraid)I have done this only once but I could feel the omg did she just do what i felt her do. My husband helped a little more around the house when i first found out, but he does still do things. Im glad your wife has begun to open up with her accomplishments. Now as far as the kids I made the mistake of involving them I was so so hurt . My emotions got the best of me, and I did not want to lie to them. I wish now that I would have kept them out of it, but what is done is done. As for what can you do to regain the trust she had for you, (Time) this is so fresh to your wife , i believe she is taking it better than i did, but the pain inside us is so great. We dont want to feel this way, but our minds our hearts rule over what we want at this time. Your kids are older and you and your wife have that advantage. You can go out for dinner etc, by yourselves which i think is good. I have no one to care for my little ones therefore it is harder for us to be alone with each other which we desperately need. We have been together since i was a sophmore in highschool. 21 years we have been together. My husband is a wonderful man, I just cant understand why people take the risk of losing it all. But what is done is done. Yes I think your wife is responding without the sexual contact. Be patient it will come. The hardest part for me was trying to put it out of my head the first time we did make love. I wondered if because it was all brought back to him, if he was thinking of the ow or just me. I know in my heart he was not but women think so much diffrent then men. It is hard , very hard. I remember the physical emotions I had, it was like animal magnitism or something I wanted him so bad but was so so scared, angry, etc. The feeling was that of when we first met. When I finally decided to let my heart win over my anger and we made love it was wonderful. If and when this happens to you, do not be suprised if soon after your wife begins to pull back again. For me I thought oh well now that we have made love he feels it is all better and he can forget what he has done. I hope your wife does not but it could happen. By the way it took me 5 weeks . Well I promised my daughter she could play a game so I have to go for now. I swear i could type for ever. Hope to hear from you soon good luck and god bless you and your family.. hurtin

Hi H, Was just checking in. I hope things have gone good for you today. Hurtin

Dear HurtinHart:
In the begining of this post you said: Please someone talk to me , help me. I hate myself right now, and I know I should not. For I did nothing wrong. But then why do I feel like such a bad person. Hurtin, real real bad...

It sounds to me like you have FORGIVEN, but just can't FORGET. Time will help, and it is nice that your H is doing all the nice things for you...but you know, there are some things you could do to help you ease your mind. For instance, do you have passwords to his email and voice mail? Do you get an itemized copy of his cell phone bills? Does he call you several times a day while he is at work? ANd if he does, tell him not to use the cell phone, but use the phone that is at the place he is at (so you can see caller ID!). You see, the more things he tells you that you can confirm are true, your faith and trust will grow with each truth that he tells! Since trust is EARNED, the only way that he can earn it is to PROVE it! Time doesn't prove it...but things he does that you can confirm will.

Hi hurtin,
Your post was realy enlightening and I can feel exactly the same thing going on with my wife. I talked some more with her and expressed my support and love for her.Thanks for your suggestions. I am repenting but I want to be make sure that I dont make those past mistakes again.
I am glad that you too are finding some of those momenst coming back to you.Will check again soon.

<small>[ September 11, 2003, 10:25 PM: Message edited by: humbleman ]</small>

Hi Jaref. Well I think you have hit the nail on the head. I did not realize that I had forgiven, but your thread made me think about it. I think you are right. I have forgiven, but have not forgotten. This may be the hardest thing to do. I mean it is all around me, every time we go out to eat or to see my father who lives out of town. Yes I do have access to everything you mentioned, the only thing I can say he does not do, is call from where he is from another phone. I will tell him to do this, I want to trust him, but he makes it hard sometimes. About a month ago the man that was involved in this terrible situation, his x employee had the nerve to call to my house. I called the number back and he said he was looking to talk to my husband because he was in town and needed to find some place. Omg was I angry. I was very cold blooded not with words but my response was not of being glad to hear him. I told him to call his cell, and if he didnt answer then maybe he didnt want to speak to him. Well when my husband came home, he didnt mention the phone call, I know the other guy called because he told me he had tried and left a message on his cell. (my hubbys). I told my husband that this is one of the reasons i do not trust him. He said I never talked to him. I said it does not matter, this guy was involved in destroying our lives, you need to tell me when he contacts you. Im still hurt over the whole thing, I feel he should have told me as soon as he knew he had called him, then I would not have to draw up my own conclusions as to what the phone call was about. I don't exactly know how to get threw to my husband on this. He says he understands, but continues to not tell me certain things I feel he should. I think because it has been 5 years since his affair, he feels I need to let it go and start over. He has not said that but he says the more I bring it up, the more pain im going to have. When he says that I feel he is not being there for me. I don't know . Thanks for your thread . hurtin

Humble,,, Hello, im glad my threads are helping you. I also want to thank you for helping me. Yes time is what your wife needs. I can feel her pain as if I was finding out all over again. Women and men are so different and I really never realized it, until this happend. Don't over do your love for her right now. She may take it another way, use your best judgement, for you know your wife. I wish that none of this ever happened to either one of us, but it has and now to make it better. I was reading another post where someone asked can i fix my marriage on my own. No,,, but it seems in my case that when im trying , my husband stops trying, and vice a versa. I don't understand this. He says things that make me jump down his throat right away. I m thinking on having him go to confession to maybe help him cleanse his mistake. Maybe then he will undrstand a little bit more what he has done. I mean I know he feels the pain he has caused but, somehow something else needs to be done. Im not sure. What do you think about that? Well got to go hurtin.