Hey Hurtin, hope you are feeling well.
Sleep well.
Humble

Hi hurtin,
Checking in with you to see how you're doing and let you know I'm thinking of you and also you, Humble, it's really curious to see the conversation going on between you 2. You are able to offer perspectives to each other on what the other's spouse might be feeling. There are so many things I wish my H understood and Humble you seem to have a pretty good grip on a lot of it. Hurtin you have made a lot of progress in the past year, I can tell. Doesnt' it feel like you've lived a lifetime since then? I've only known for a week and a half and I feel like I've aged by 20 years. I hurt so much and dont know what to do.

Hi say, Yes humble and I have been here for each other. Im sorry you are hurting , as we all are here at mb it seems. Things will get better. The pain does start to heal but then it seems when it starts to heal something new opens the wounds and you have to start healing all over. Please come back and let us in on what is going on with you. I would love to try and help you, and would love for your insights to maybe help me. I was not able to post last nite for some reason, i was here and getting very frustrated because my password would not work, today no problems. Yes I have come along way since i found out, but I have days like it happened just today. Believe me. Thank you for coming in to my thread and posting, Hoping to hear back from you very soon. Oh and by the way I was a total wreck before coming to mb. hurtin

Humble , im sorry i could not post last nite I saw when your last thread come in and i was so upset because i was here but the link would not let me post darn it . Oh well. Humble maybe you and I can help say, she is in a lot of pain i can tell. My husband just got word that he is going to have to work nites for awhile again, im not looking forward to it, Im going to need you people to get me through this... (no pressure) haha. Well I have to go. My cold is getting better but I think im going to blow my nose off soon. Talk to you two soon. hurtin

Thank you so much for caring, hurtin. I'm sorry you're sick, hope you get better soon. Today went from bad to ok to not sure. I sent my H an e-mail in mid-morning just telling him how much I hurt and need for him to not pretend as though nothing happened. He wrote back a long message about how sorry he was and that he didn't want to give up on us or our marriage, which made me feel good. But, his message was also a little beligerant (sp?) when he discussed our plans for the weekend but then said, "maybe all that is off now" (I guess because I wasn't doing so good). I wrote him back and said I think our plans would still be a good idea, but then I didn't hear back from him. On my lunch break I stopped by his office and he wasn't there so I left a note on his computer and then never heard from him the rest of the day. I am getting ready to go home and all I can ask for is a husband who meets me at the door with a hug and a kiss and no chip on his shoulder. That's a lot to ask now though, as we are both hurting and tend to take it out on each other. Humble, you can be proud of yourself and the efforts you are making with your wife. It is so hard for some men to show emotion or affection that if you can, it's a real gift.
I probably won't be back here until Monday as I write from my work computer. So, I hope you have a [decent] weekend, I mean nothing terrible and maybe a few baby steps in the right direction which is all any of us can ask for, right?
Peace & Love...
SIAS

Hi Say,
You are the BS , so you must be hurting bad. I can empathise with you as I have seen my W that way. It requires dedication and continued support for the WS to win some trust and love back into the relationship, and of course the commitment to do that must be shown as well. Thanks for your apprecation of my efforts.
I will also help you heal and understand what may be going on at the other end. I think this is a very useful way of learning how to cope...that is my other thread as well. I had Qs in the bginning and then with Hurtinhart's insight into a BS's heart and mind, I gathered a lot of info and set about doing simple things slowly.
Let us know how you feel about any aspect that disturbs you.
How commited is your husband towards you? Work aside, I think one's spouse has to take the No 1 priority at this time , healing her, should be the No1 goal in his life. That is exactly what I have been doing. Once you set that goal, then the road towards is not easy but it gives great satisfaction. I had been doing some of these things earlier as well, but I realise now their value. To give affection , respect and space gives her a feeling of being whole again. From your side you have been brave enough of telling your H that you hurt. Tell him you need him more, to spend time with you, to do small things together, to plan together and be around happy friends and famly. That gives you bonding.
Encouarge your H to do stuff together. That is what I think will work for you.
Take care,
Humble

<small>[ September 11, 2003, 10:45 PM: Message edited by: humbleman ]</small>

Hi Hurtin,
I wanted to tell you that the posting on this MB and the password login required does get messed up sometimes, it keeps asking you to login. If that happens you should just refresh and try doing : " post a poll" or another option and then go back to " post reply " option and then sometimes it begins to work.
Hope youre doing okay, its a shame that H has to work nights. How is he doing?
If your H does somethings for you , appreciate them. I hope you begin to feel the same. Can you call him at work at night? Tell him you miss him.
Hope you can log in soon.
Take care.
Humble

<small>[ September 11, 2003, 10:47 PM: Message edited by: humbleman ]</small>

Hi Humble, and so, Im feeling better today thank god. Im so happy for you humble. But just remember one thing. Just because things are going good, not to burst your bubble, but remember there may be a day that feels just like the day she found out for your wife. Don't get discouraged. Keep doing what you are doing. And for you my friend sayit ,,, Im sorry that your husband did not reply to your email. He needs to think of your feelings right now, and not the way he is feeling. Men are so different right humble? hahaha... Oh by the way do you two have aol, or some other provider.? I was just thinking maybe we could go into a chat or something to answer questions that way. Let me know I will be on later tonight heading out the door in about an hour. Take care both of you and im sorry i put everything into this one thread here. I was in a loss for time. Hope to see you both real soon. And for you say it,, Keep your chin up we will help get you through this, it is a long hard road but we will try to help as much as possible. Take care god bless Hurtin,,,

Dear hurtinhart, not only do I hear you, I feel exactly what you are talking about. The person that is supposed to love and protect you, let you down and in turn it has turned your life into a world you do not know, or at least are not so sure of.

I think the thing that makes me really sad is the part about the children. Why am I mad at them?? His actions create a long list of reprecutions for more people than he and the OW.

It seems that I cannot control my emotions at times. But, I pray when I feel overwhelmed, and it helps. Yes, forgiveness, and long-suffering have helped me out a long way but my feelings sometimes have their way with me as well. I oftentimes wonder will I ever get over this, and should I just leave him even though I love him, because I may have an emotional break down if I stay with him.

I love him, but in what way is what I am trying to figure out. Do I love him as a husband? Or for the husband he once was? Perhaps that is what you are trying to figure out too!

Hi Lenn. Glad you came to my thread. Yes the hurt is unbareable at times. I don't think that it is we are mad at the children, it is because they are always around, My husband goes to work and on the days im having bad ones, they are here , they have to see me in the moods i get into and they are the ones that see me cry, see my pain, see me different. Sometimes I feel exactly like you said Should I stay and make this work, or should I let everyone be happy by me not being around to *****, complain, be a different person that they are used to. I believe I do love my husband but I do miss what we had which was the trust. I would like to hear more about you, Do you have a thread here? I believe that we may get over this , but we will never forget , never forget the pain, the misery, the embarresment. Thanks again for posting . God bless you, hurtin

Hi Hurtin,
Yes, things seem good but I carry on regardless doing the right things.We hug a lot now.It feels really nice. I told you my W was on chat with a man, she has befriended him and still chats, SHE SAYS he has helped her a lot from going off the bend.I trust her judgement yet feel kind of bothered. What do u think?
we can talk sunday night.
Take care,
Humble

<small>[ September 11, 2003, 10:49 PM: Message edited by: humbleman ]</small>

Hi H, I think your wife talking with this other person, is getting to you. I did the same . I was talking with a friend (male) when this all happened and he did help me , he helped me to understand that men are so different ,he would tell me you have a great husband he just made a mistake, forgive him, forget it. I talked with him for a while after I found out, and my husband new , soon after him and I my husband that is were getting closer, He my husband was giving me signs also that he was not liking me talking with him so much, He never came out and said it , but i knew. I think it is normal. I myself do not speak with him that often at all. He does send emails every once in a while to see how i am doing. but we do not chat like we used to. It will go away with your wife. Are you posting on the email post here about your email addy? I can do the same. Talk to you soon, hurtin

Hi Hurtin,
Its so surprising that you think the same way and good too. It means these things happen. . I agree the hurt is deep and needs support and diversion. Your opinion has made me see that. People here on the MB told me that emotional chats lead to PAs so I must monitor chats. I have thought that it will be an invasion of trust which I have in her, do u think that seems the right thing to do, just let her heal at her own pace?
I am showing all my affection and attention which I had hidded earlier, I am more vocal, she likes it I think, she has opened up much more, we seem closer now.
Is she just play acting?
Help me!
Thnx,
Humble

<small>[ September 11, 2003, 10:51 PM: Message edited by: humbleman ]</small>

Hi humble, darn we missed each other again. Well this is hard, One thing is to be chatting online, but when it becomes a phone convo that makes me wonder. It may be that she is only try to find some kind of insight , that she is looking for answers. I don't want to alarm you, but do keep an eye out on the phone calls. She may just be trying to make you feel jealous, or scared, or somethin else. I know for myself when i found out, and i was chatting with the male friend , I wanted to chat more, to make my husband know that i could do it too, if i wanted to. I never would have, or never will because two wrongs do not make a right. But she may just be in the fog as they say around here. Keep doing what you have been doing I dont think she is play acting I think it is more of a pay back maybe , im not certain. Its so hard when Im not talking directly at you, to ask questions you know. Darn well I have put you on my bl and hopefully I will see you online. Oh by the way what chats does your wife go into ? Do you know? Not important but i was just thinking maybe I could catch her in one sometime. Take care . Don't worry , we will get through this. Today was a great day for us. Hurtin

Hi hurtin, I missed talking to you.
W had said she will take time to heal.
I want to continue to love and cherish her, if you came early like at 9-10 pm we can chat tomorrow.

<small>[ September 11, 2003, 10:56 PM: Message edited by: humbleman ]</small>

Hi Hurtin, how was your weekend? I hope it was good. Thank you and also you Humble for your words of encouragement. Although Friday night was kind of rocky, we ended up having a producting talk while I cried and then we went out for dinner and a movie (a "date" just like old times) then on Saturday and Sunday we did some fun things together like go for a hike and work in the garden. so this morning I feel pretty good. Also, I asked him to send me an e-mail when he gets to work in the morning, so I have something to look forward to when I get to the office, and he did and that was such a nice message. I feel hopeful this morning.
Humble, I am concerned about what you have said about your wife's "chat friend." Over the weekend I just finished reading "Surviving an Affair" and the book ends by being very clear that one's spouse should be one's only close friend of the opposite sex. Harley was very clear that there is no room in a marriage for exclusive friendships with members of the opposite sex. It sounds like this chat friend is meeting an emotional need for your wife that she should be allowing you to meet. The secrecy is what bothers me the most, as Harley also emphasizes how important complete honesty is to a healing couple. Have you read this book? It is an EXCELLENT book for all couples I think, whether or not there has been infidelity. I would love for my H to read it but first I have asked him to read "His Needs, Her Needs" and I don't want to overwhelm him with reading material LOL. Anyway, if you haven't read "Surviving an Affiar," I highly recommend it, and it might be good for your W to read too.
An example is, with what I am going through right now, it is very tempting to talk to friends about this ordeal, because I desperately need affirmation and someone to sympathise with me. I have a friend who is actually a mutual friend of both my H and I, but he is a very nice, caring man and I know if I called him he would be very sympathetic and a great listener and I could pour out my heart to him. It would feel good at the time, but I'm not going to do it because then he (a male friend) would be meeting an emotional need for me that my husband should be meeting (listening). Instead, I need to gently coach my H in the art of listening and being there for me. If I reach out to this other friend, what starts out as friendship could deepen as he continues to meet my emotional need of acceptance and listening. I dont' want to run this risk. Does this make sense? I wish your W could see that you are now ready to meet all her emotional needs, even the one this friend is meeting for her, which seems to be the need of friendship and listening and conversation. I don't know what to tell you except that maybe you should both read "Surviving an Affair" and really ponder what Harley says at the end about honesty and not having friends of the other sex.
Sorry this is so long, I am worried about what your W is doing.
Happy Monday to you both and anyone else who checks in here. Let it be a good productive and healing week for everyone walking this dark valley.
-SIAS

Hi Say,
Im glad youre doing the right things and matters have improved, thats great . Regarding my W, I know she hurt like hell and she had no one to share it with, in times like this you need to talk, annoymously usually but it maye extend. I understand the implications , havent read Harleys book but many will agree that there IS room for close friends for a W or H of the opposite sex. I hope she understands the implications, she has not found me very supportive of her ideas and attitudes and she always bottled them up. I dont know how much emotional need is being met there, I am trying to listen to her and she is talking to me more and more. I have faith in her and I love her, I went wrong , so I am trying to be unselfish and give all my love. I am trying to be happy so that I can spread that to her and help her heal.You take care.
Hope Hurtin comes on later and advises me too.
Humble

<small>[ September 11, 2003, 11:01 PM: Message edited by: humbleman ]</small>

Hi humble, I can understand your wife wanting to talk to this friend , but now that you and her are getting along better, she needs to realize that she can now talk to you. It is a scary situation, humble, i mean ,, At times I was thrilled that this other man was talking with me even after he knew i was married and , its kind of the thrill the opportunity, that you men had. I sent you a email last nite did you get it by chance? I cant figure out how to put you on my msn messenger bl lol i have aol and thats all i know . One thing humble if this person who chats with your wife is only doing so to help, I really dont feel they need to conversate on the phone. Emails, chats, etc should be effeciant. I also like so, am worried about this. I dont want to say anything that may hurt you, but please be on the look out for anything suspicious. first of all if she is worried about you seeing her chats, etc. There is more being said than just the occasional forgive and forget. She may just be trying to fulfill something im not sure what. Is hotmail your only provider? There was a link here at mb to put your email addy down but i cant seem to find it. I hate to post it directly on here but if i have to , in order to help you and so, i will. I have to go for now, but i will be back later. My husband has to work tonight again. God bless. hurtin

Hi so,, Happy Monday to you also Im so glad your weekend was a good one. Things may be picking up for you soon, and i surely hope so. Did you purchase the book here, or some where else? I have to get it. Just talking with you and humble and a few others has made me re think my life, my doings. Do you have a aol account or something else.? Wow you sound so much better this time around. Please dont set yourself up for a fall, what i mean by that is be careful take things slowly . I wish you all the luck in the world hun. I will be back to post some more later . My son has open house tonight so i have to get dinner going early today. Thanks so im so glad you have come back to post.

Hi Hurtin,
I think you will read that things have become more clear to me now, and I need not get stressed. My W told me frankly that she will not do any harm to us of family. Howre yu doing . thnx, take care, Humble

<small>[ September 11, 2003, 11:03 PM: Message edited by: humbleman ]</small>