Hi, Hurtin,
Thanks for your reply on my post....it was very kind.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well when my husband came home, he didnt mention the phone call, I know the other guy called because he told me he had tried and left a message on his cell. (my hubbys). I told my husband that this is one of the reasons i do not trust him. He said I never talked to him. I said it does not matter, this guy was involved in destroying our lives, you need to tell me when he contacts you. Im still hurt over the whole thing, I feel he should have told me as soon as he knew he had called him, then I would not have to draw up my own conclusions as to what the phone call was about. I don't exactly know how to get threw to my husband on this. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You know, not to make excuses, but men are SO different than women. I think we women dwell on every little detail, and men try to narrow it down to the "important" things. Well, IT'S ALL IMPORTANT TO WOMEN! And no, they don't get it!

I see what you're saying, though. You feel like he purposely omitted, and he feels like since he didn't talk to the guy the phone call wasn't important. How forthcoming was your husband when you asked him about this? If you questioned him and he was openly honest, then you probably have nothing to worry about. But how do you get men to realize that you want to hear about everything? Every detail. I read somewhere that women talk an average of something like 20,000 words a day, but men don't even talk half that. When we come home from work we tell everything that happened. But if you ask your husband about his day, he probably says "it was fine".

But you are right. Your husband needs to realize that even though this happened 5 years ago, it was yesterday to you and you are bleeding.

I wish I knew how to tell you how to get through to your husband so that he would really understand why he needs to tell you everything. I don't know. Does he look at this website? DId he read any of the books?

Hi jar,, im so glad to see you . Im glad you understand about men lol,, i wish men did. Yes I believe him about the phone call , after being with him for 21 years you begin to know them so well it is scary. I think he realizes that im still bleeding he just thinks i need to stop bringing it up or sulking i should say. In a way (just a way mind you) he is right, but it so hard to just forget when things like the phone call come up. And you are right men are so different. What we think is major is just minor to them, I sent my husband the link just today and Im hoping he will come in and read, I think he will. He sees me reading lots. No he has not read any of the books offered here, but he did go out on his own and purchase dr. phils relationship rescue. Thanks again Jaref I appreciate any imput you have to offer, and like i said in your thread If you need to talk im here. I do not judge any more. This affair has made me think before I talk . Please come back and post and I will do the same for you, Remember Im here for you. Hurtin <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Im glad you understand about men lol,, </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You know, when you're handling as many men as I am, you know all about men!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> (Dry humor- don't take it seriously)

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think he realizes that im still bleeding he just thinks i need to stop bringing it up or sulking i should say. In a way (just a way mind you) he is right, but it so hard to just forget when things like the phone call come up.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He probably wants to move on cuz the whole thing is embarassing to him - I know mine is embarassing. Everytime I post here I get a sick feeling in my stomach because I am revealing my shame to you all.

I think it's good that you gave him the link. He can read your posts and see your real inner feelings and what you are thinking. Plus reading other posts he will find out why you have to keep bringing it up.

Someday I am gonna tell my husband about this site, and I hope that when he reads what I wrote it will help him to be able to forgive me one LAST time...and I hope we will work together to build the life we both really do want.

hi jar, how are you tonight? yes i think my husband is embarressed. Today I woke up in a bad mood, and started crying before my son went to school, My husband asked what was wrong, and I said the same damn thing that has been wrong. I wish I could control myself from getting that way. He took our son to school and came back with a card that only made me cry more. But it was such a nice gesture. The card read, Holding good thoughts for you, for as long as you need them. for as long as it takes. And in the inside he wrote. Im so sorry ive made your life so miserable and your emotions so unpredictable. Thanks for trying and please keep on trying. That is exactly true my emotions are so unpredictable it sucks. Any way I think you and I may be able to help each other in a small way if not big. Thanks for responding , And I hope that you can overcome what is going on with you as well. hurtin

Hi Hurtin,
Hope youre well. I am making progress with my wife, by being myself and she is responding slowly.I think one can definitely " fix" their own marriage, because one " broke " it in the first place. It however requires both partners efforts and understanding.You being the BS, will also require a lot of effort and your H will require double that effort if not more. Both must be willing, both must look at this as a mistake, a foolish mistake, but it has nothing to do with their inner worth or inner self esteem.
For you my suffestion will be:
1. Forgive the sin, love the sinner. There is no way that the your H can erase that " sin" from his or your memory, no way he can " prove " his faith or love for you, without your help. You have to forgive and forget first unless you see any signs that he is not repenting or not going the right path. If confession helps, ask him if he wants to do that, If he is okay with it , he may do it as well but that should not be an issue.
2. Get rid of the baggage, forgive and forget. It is hard but can be done. You have to keep your focus on today and not yesterday. Many of us live in the past and future and not the present. If you keep thinking , oh my god , how this could happen to me 5 yrs ago, you will never forget it. Instead think of the good things that happenned to you in the past 5 yrs. People always remember the bad things and not the good things but it can be done. Forget the past, learn from it but do not dwell on it. Move on with your present life. The present is all that matters, future will never come, it is all in the present.
3. Set today's goals and think only about them. Positive thinking works like a miracle. It makes your subconscious strong with positive input. Your foremost goal should be:"I will make this marriage work again and make it stronger than before." Then your thoughts will focus around this only. If you think about Trust issues, then you will attract thoughts about mistrust, which will be a negative thought and detrimental to your healing.
4. Feel happy . You can do that by enjoying what is going around you.Small things can make you feel happy. You will reflect to others as you feel yourself. If you feel sullen and unhappy, your husband will sense that in you and it will have a negative effect on him as well. You dont have to go out of your way, just keep doing the daily chores with happiness and joy. Keep showing the affection you feel for him. Be among happy people, family or friends, it will rub off on both of you. We have been meeting a lot of people together and it has definitely helped.Happiness has a way of passing on to others.
5. Think postive about loving your husband again. Somehow positive thoughts attract positive actions. If you think about bad things, the subconsciuos is unacanilly attracted to those things and makes them happen.
Dont say to yourself, when will I know that I can trust him and love him. Say to yourself, I know that I can trust him, I have known him for so long and I love him.
6. Accept and pay compliments. This is important in building faith and love, it gives one confidence about oneself. Confident people are always gracious and open in accepting and giving compliments.
7. Do things together, which made you happy.

For your Husband, I suggest the following,
1.Positive thinking about improving relationship, instilling faith and love.
2. Setting goals: Foremost being : Make your wife feel happy and good about herself and your relationship. Do everything and anything towards that goal. Do things which make her comfortable and at ease and things that she likes, simple things like making the bed every day, making her a cup of tea or coffee, bringing her breakfast in bed on a Sunday morning, clearing the mess that she or you or kids make,.3. Feel happy. Do not feel guilty anymore,what is done canot be undone now, your mistake was not because of a fault in your inner self and it does not reflect your inner self worth. Learn from your mistakes for you do not want to repeat them. Be honest to yourself and realise where you made a mistake. Do not think about those things anymore, sometimes we have a habit of thinking how to avoid that bad thing and lo and behold, our subconscious makes that thing happen.
Our subcoscious is powerful , keep it focussed on good things and happiness.

OOOPS, it is getting too long, hope it helps. Let me know what you think.

It takes time but it can be done if both are working on it.All the best Hurtin..hope you find that love and faith soon.
Your friend, Humble

<small>[ September 11, 2003, 10:27 PM: Message edited by: humbleman ]</small>

Hi Humble, Im glad to see ya, Im so so glad that things are going good for you and your wife. You have a gold mine in your wife mr. and you better not steal her heart away ever again. She sounds very understanding and willing. It is so hard for us women who go through such terrible circumstances, men also. Your wife sounds very understanding. Im trying my hardest to do the things you mentioned. I told my husband last nite that i wanted him to come in and read. I am trying to do things that make us happy and that we used to do long before. My husband is a good man right now he is painting the house. He gives so much to us all, and I want to do the same for him. Thank you for all your suggestions, they truly do help. Especially coming from a man. Sometimes we dont get the feedback from other woman that a man can give and visa versa. Thinking positive is a very good suggestion, and Im going to do my best to continue to be postive. Thanks again humble. Good luck to you and May god bless and look over you and your family. Hurtin.

Hi, I see that you havent come here yet.
Hope you are feeling better than before.
She is appreciating me now, I think. Fingers crossed, I hope she is feeling happier, that is what I want to right now, that is how the hurt will heal.
How are you feeling? Opening up more.? Tell me how do you want your husband to be right now, spend more time wih you or give you space for whatever you want to do? Take care,..H

<small>[ September 11, 2003, 10:29 PM: Message edited by: humbleman ]</small>

Hi H. Im so glad to hear that you had a good weekend. We also did. We do many things together always have. I don't think your wife ever stopped appreciated the things you did before and now, I think it is just hard to appreciate when the person you love so much has hurt you so bad. Right now I would like my husband to be more loving to me. I told him this Sat he said he is afraid to do anything. He said when he is affectionate I move away, this was true about a month ago, but I feel that I have been accepting him better. Now that I want him to hold my hand to reach out for a kiss etc, it seems he is not doing it. I know I confused him in the begining for i myself was and still am confused. But I really did feel that he was seeing a change in me. I really have been trying harder than I ever have in the past year, and now , now that I want the attention, now that Iam ready for it, he seems to be moving in the opposite direction. I hope I have not ruined what might have been. Well thanks for listening to me vent . Hope all stays good with you, H <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Hi H. Im so glad to hear that you had a good weekend. We also did. We do many things together always have. I don't think your wife ever stopped appreciated the things you did before and now, I think it is just hard to appreciate when the person you love so much has hurt you so bad. Right now I would like my husband to be more loving to me. I told him this Sat he said he is afraid to do anything. He said when he is affectionate I move away, this was true about a month ago, but I feel that I have been accepting him better. Now that I want him to hold my hand to reach out for a kiss etc, it seems he is not doing it. I know I confused him in the begining for i myself was and still am confused. But I really did feel that he was seeing a change in me. I really have been trying harder than I ever have in the past year, and now , now that I want the attention, now that Iam ready for it, he seems to be moving in the opposite direction. I hope I have not ruined what might have been. Well thanks for listening to me vent . Hope all stays good with you, H <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Hi hurtinhart,
I think you are moving in the right direction. Tell your husband, you love him and want him. I think he may have got confused as you went slow or indifferent earlier. Doing things together definitely helps. We talk a lot now, I feel happy that I am helping her heal, I dont how long it takes, I will give her all the happines and care and affection. Hope you will do better gradually too.

<small>[ September 11, 2003, 10:31 PM: Message edited by: humbleman ]</small>

Hi h you are doing just fine. Keep her happy Keep her safe. Remember to reassure her that you will never hurt her again. It helps so much. We are doing better also. I just wish I could get the affection back the way it was at this time last year, (when I didn't want it) I hope he realizes I was just hurting so bad, not that I never wanted him, I was just hurting. Thanks humble I wish you all the luck in the world. Hurtin

Hi,
Hope things are improving slowly. I have the same feelings here. I feel my wife not responding. Your question really is " When will I feel that love and spark again" , I am thinking on the same lines , when will that feeling come in my wife too. I dont think she knows, neither do you?
We can keep doing things together, and I think it will come back again..who knows! You do the same things, may be you will feel that affection again.
You had said that when she will want me she will come back with an animal passion, I sure hope so, I will wait, just being gentle with her now and keep showing my love in daily life. Hope to God, I get my love back, and you too. Take care.
.....Humble

<small>[ September 11, 2003, 10:34 PM: Message edited by: humbleman ]</small>

HI H, Im sorry that things are not happening as fast as you would like . Your wife is going to need time, time to trust, love, heal. The love feelings you are looking for are deep inside her. She is afraid and I don't blame her. When this all first happened with my husband and myself, we would wait till the kids were asleep and he would talk to me. It did help. You are the only one that would know if you should try to talk to your wife. Sometimes we want to talk, other times we do not. I know it is hard to understand us , but think of it this way, It is hard for us to understand ourselves. Remember I am in a year and 2 months of knowing, and it is just as painful today as it was when I found out. I think about how short life is , and I want my life , my marriage back. Today Im having a difficult day. My husbands boss is in town, and well they will be going out to eat dinner. My husband invited me , but I have a cold and don't feel well. Anyway anytime he is in a Hotel or restraunt alone, those terrible feelings return to me, and I burst out with terrible things. Today I didn't I just told him to do what he needed to do. He told me I love you, and left. I came to the computer right away, so I could ease my mind. If I just sit I will think of all the things he could be doing and I will go insane. Humble I know how hard it is , but continue to love, cherish her. I also think that it is not as good as you are saying , the only reason i say this is because I know the pain, the hurt, and if it is good More power to you. Please just continue to reassure her every chance you get . Tell her never again , I need that from my husband . HE has not reassured me in a while now, and I think that is what Im looking for. I have sent him the link to this site. Only he has been so busy at work that he has not been on pc in quite some time. I need him to come in and see just what im feeling becuase we talk but my feelings turn to anger and this way I think he will see exactly what I need, want . I will try to come back again tonight I see that you post mainly at night. I wish I could catch you on. so we could talk answer questions. Oh one thing does your wife know that you are coming to mb to talk? Mine does. Talk to you soon hurtin

Hi Hurtin,
I seem to understand now things going on with my wife are the same things going on within you. She only told me " Give me time". We dont talk about this anymore, is that bad? I constantly display my affection for her. In fact other than my wife I have never loved any one else and she is the only woman that I have ever had a real relationship with.)
She had said how will she know if it will not happen again! Its 11.45 pm EST now, let me know when is the time for you to come online, so we can talk one to one like you said. I think this is a good way of healing each other, sometime we cannot tell something to our spouses as we are inhibited and afraid sometimes of the response.

Humble

<small>[ September 11, 2003, 10:37 PM: Message edited by: humbleman ]</small>

Hurtin,

I haven't had a chance to check up on you. How is everything going?

Hi h. How are you today? Me I have a bad cold. Anyway your wife is going to hurt for a long time. She is afraid you will go out and do this again, even though you tell her no way . We want to believe that is the truth but then again we never thought it would have happened in the first place. Yes you are right to keep sayin sorry and doing the explanation does bring out the hurt. What I meant about reassuring is. When you have to go out of town, or you will be gone for a good long time during the day, reassure then, Hun, I love you and I will never do anything to hurt you like I have. Something like that. I don't mean to constantly in every day convo bring it up, im sorry i led you on the wrong way with that. Just if you are going to be away for awhile reassure. I will try to get back to your other questions in a bit. hurtin

Hi Tak Im still here, and still hurting, but things are going better. Thank you for checking up on me, I was beginning to think it was Myself and Humble . Some days are better than others, but that is to be expected right? Don't be angry with me, but I still have not bought the book. I am going to I promise. Hubby just got word today that he will be working nites again ugghhh . Seems as soon as things start going good , then something makes it do a complete 180... Anyway thanks for coming back to check on me, I appreciate it... Hurtin

im back,, I almost forgot Im on mountain standard time. right now it is 2:06 in the afternoon. I will be on about 10:00 my time. Talk to you soon, hurtin

Hi, Hurtin,
Just dropped in to say hello and thank you for the kind words on my threads. Tonight someone gave me some things to think about. Yea!

Anyway, I hope you are feeling OK.

Hi Hurtin,
Is the cold any better, hope so.
I was wondering about how much to talk about the " thing" . We usually say bury the past , no point in discussing and talking about it. If we leave that baggage behind only then can we move forwards.
Hoping to catch you here.
Take care, Humble

<small>[ September 11, 2003, 10:38 PM: Message edited by: humbleman ]</small>