Hurtin
So sorry to hear of the pain,sometimes family can be cruel they do not realize that family is really all we have.We are the ones that love unconditionally.I hate to see families throw this kind of love away.I think that is one reason my H A has been so hard.I am the one in life that has stood by him and I feel as though he was going to throw my love away for a stranger that said just the right thing at the right time.

I am not close to my brothers and sister,although we all talk and enjoy each others company after our mom died we all drifted apart.

What did you do for the long weekend?Enjoy yourself I hope.
How are you and H doing now?Is he active in your recovery?

Hope to chat again soon.

ps.The people here at MB have become a lifesaver for me also during this time.I have met some of the best people here.

Good morning Hurtin,
how was your long weekend? Not too bad I hope. Mine was good, then bad, then OK.
Tell me something, does your H seem to not want to talk about what happened? Do you ever feel like you're nagging or carping on a subject that just won't die? I have found that my H is happiest and our home is most peaceful if I just don't mention what happened and we act "normal." But when something happens that reminds me, or I happen to mention anything having to do with our new status as a recovering couple, H immediately withdraws. The last thing I need right now is H to withdraw from me as he is all I have. So, it seems we can't talk about this or even the things related to it, like the Harleys books, etc. Surely that isn't healthy. It gets me down, but I'm worried to bring up any volatile topic of conversation because I don't want to ruin what fragile peace there may be.
*SIGH* How have you managed for a whole year?? Maybe your H is more willing to talk about his mistake?
-SIAS

Hi ginger, Someday my family will understand how they have wasted precious family time , but until then , there is nothing I can do. As for the long weekend, Sat was my birthday so we went out and had a good time, went to a b day party then out to eat dinner, then home for a movie. It was very nice. I then went on a shopping spree on saturday seems that is the only thing that takes the pain away sometimes, (bad therapy) i know. Sunday we bbqued and cleaned the yard . How was your weekend? My husband and I are doing ok, I feel that when i start to try my hardest he in a way forgets and goes back to the old him. That is not necesarily bad, but when this first happend he was so thoughtful about everything , words, actions etc. I have asked him to come to mb to just read, and he said he did not have time at the time i asked him to which was true, but last nite he was on, had the time, and didnt bother. I was kind of upset about it, but I did not mention it to him. I know he is also hurting for what he did, but the time has been longer for him, I just found out a year ago it has been 5 years for him. I want to be the main person in his life right now, i know that may sound selfish, but sometimes i feel he just puts what he did aside when things get better for us, then i get upset because i feel he thinks all is ok,I know exactly what you mean by throw our life away for a stranger that made eyes at him. It is just not fair , we the wives and the husbands that stick by them day and nite, land up with the poop in our faces. I can feel the tension building up inside me again, and I hate this feeling, I know im going to blow up soon. Thanks ginger, have a great day, hurtin

Hi say, glad to see you. My weekend was just fine thanks my b day was sat we had lots to do, Im sorry yours was not that great.When this all first came out, I asked questions, to things most people probably would not want to hear, but I figured it is best for me to know exactly what happened than come up with my own conclusions. He told me what i believe to be the whole truth. I hope anyway. we talked a whole lot about it the first probably six months every single nite. Now if i bring it up in any way shape or form, he gets upset, says that I am never going to get over it if I keep bringing it up, Which in a great sense is true, but there are some days when something reminds, me or he makes a comment and i will come back with what is that what your whore wanted, I know that sounds childish, i know, but im still so so angry inside, hurt and miserable most of the time. I have been trying my best for my kids. They are the ones that hurt more than anyone because they love us both so very much , they are still to young to understand the depth of all this, Yes i do feel like im nagging , but i also feel i have the right to . The last year has been very very hard, very lonely, very miserable. Only when i came to this mb site did I start to feel somewhat better, but as i told ginger up there, I feel the explosion very close again. Im scared I dont want this, I hate myself when i start to feel this way. My husband told me that he would do whatever it took, how ever long it took he would be there for me, and he is, but not quite the way he was in the beginning, and I realize now, that is what i need. When he was doing what I needed last year I was hurting so bad, that I did not respond, and now that im willing to respond it seems he is not willing to do what i need. Does that make sense? I feel im babbling on , and on here. Your husband needs to let you ask questions, he needs to undrstand how you feel. Im sorry that you feel that he is the fragile one. You are the one that should not have to worry about that, he needs to be more understanding of your wants and needs. I can feel your pain, of not being able to get things out in the open. There has to be a way for him to understand just how much this is of importance to you. My best friend says , my husband loves me, and he knows he made a mistake but , I need him to be there for me, when I need him. Well I have to get my daughter is dying to play a game lol. Take care god bless hope to talk to you soon, your friend hurtin.

Hurtin.

I can relate to the "old H" that is how my H seems now.I tell him every thing is feeling preA and I don't like this.He keeps himself very busy with little time for me.We have a stressful situation going on right now with our S.Usually when he gets real stressed he takes it out on me and tells me he can not take it anymore and is going to leave.This really hurts,but on a better note he has not done that this time.A small step but I guess I need to be thankful for that.

My H will not talk about the A at all anymore,he will not read anything that has to do with it or listen to me when I tell him of something very interesting I read on MB.The other day I printed out something I read that I thought was great about how you should treat your wife.He said he read it but I found it in the same spot I left it for him.He made no comment on it.All of this is so hurtful to me.He thinks by doing this all is well if we don't talk about it then its all over and everything is fine.

I did loose control last night.I yelled at him,I cried I told him how I felt how I hurt how this whole thing has made me feel like dirt,worthless.If my own H does not find me worthy of protecting why should I think any one else would or should.I know that I am not suppose to do this but I believe his lack of involvement in recovery is one reason I still hurt so bad.

I am glad you had a nice birthday,Happy Birthday.Mine is coming up.H forgot it last year because he was so involved with OW.I know it will be a very very hard day for me.

Have a good night talk to you again soon. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Hi ginger im so sorry that happened last night but sometimes we just have to let it out.. Like i said I feel it coming.. I don't understand how they think it is so easy to forgive and forget. I have not done either one, I thought for a while that I had forgiven , but lately I feel I have not again.. I understand how hard your b day will be, if he does not make any plans for you, you do it. go out for a movie so you dont think about it so much,, or better yet, meet a friend for breakfast, lunch, dinner. If you keep yourself occupied you dont think about it as much and on that day you should not have to think about it at all. I know it hurts when they say they will read something we ask them to, or do something we ask them to and then find that they have not, why say you will in the first place. When this all happened with us, my husband went out on his own and bought the Dr. Phil relationship rescue, he read a few nites now i have not seen the book out of the place i put it. He says he tried what it suggested and i didnt respond, Yes i did not but that was last year when i was not ready to , now that i am he does nothing to reassure me that he wants to. I will check back tomorrow have a good nite or morn which ever it may be.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Don't be angry with me, but I still have not bought the book. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Have you bought it yet? Have you been finding good help out here? I notice you are getting more responses than you were on Other Topics, but I haven't read all of them to see what they contain.

Hi Hurtin
Sorry it has taken me so long to respond.I have been busy and last night a storm blew through and power went out so I did not have time.
I do know what you mean about the H not really doing what we need.I wonder at times if my H ever will.I guess in a way I know that if I am to get past this I am just going to have to accept that he will not and just try my hardest to forget what he did and go on living.I know it will be on a different level than before.I will always be on gaurd of what he does,and I probably will never fully trust him again.But I don't see my future w/out him so some how I must make myself go forward.The problem is I just don't know how to do it yet.

I hope you are doing good today.
Can you say what part of the country you are from?
I am on the west coast.
Talk to you soon.

Hi there Ginger,, Nice to hear from you,You know sometimes I sit and think , maybe im asking to much of him my h he says to forget , but how ? Sometimes he says the most hurtful things that probably would not have been as hurtful if I did not know of his affair. I tell him I bet you never would have said that to your slut,, He just clams up. I guess I would too, but sometimes he just makes me so angry. You know I think you are right about the just having to accept . It is not a fair deal but if we want to live a somewhat happy life , we are going to have to try our hardest to let it just go. God knows what they did, and he is the only one to judge I suppose. I also do not know how to do it either. I want the affection he was willing to give me when this all came out. Is that too much to ask for? But I don't want it only in the bedroom either. Ughhh this is just too unfair. I asked god for help today I feel this explosion in my getting nearer and nearer. I try my best to hold it in, but then it gets to the point where i just want to cry and cry, and for what? To make myself more miserable because he is not around. He has been working day and night and when he is here he is always in his office . I feel so alone, I wish he could see it. He told me last year that he would never leave me alone , and here we are one year later and it is happening all over again. I know he is working I ask him to call me and not from his cell but from a phone where he is at. The thing is , he is always either at a Hotel, or a restraunt to of the places I hate the most. Gosh I m sorry im throwing all of this at you ginger , I just don't know what to do anymore. I thought I really thought I was doing good, but I guess im not . Thanks for listening to me vent over and over again. Oh im in the Southwest . Hurtin

Hi Hurtin

I don't mind the vent.It has been a hard week for me also.I feel like you I thought by this time I would be over it.I am not.

The alone thing.I totally relate.Everything here feels like before the A.I feel lonely most of the time.My H keeps so busy and it seems as an after thought he will slip in 5min for me.
Right after d-day it seemed he went out of his way to make sure I was ok,and spent time w/me.Would not work on computer when I was home.Now he is just like before and can not see it.

I did explode this week.I guess I held it in to long.I let him have it.I say the same thing that he would not have treated "her" like he treats me.That he does it just because it is me.That it makes me feel like I am less of a person than everyone else.I also tell him that "she" probably would not put up w/this type of treatment after all was that not her complaint and why she cheated on her H.
No response from H.

Can you say what part of SW?
If not here is my e-mail and you can mail me if you want and let me know.So far it seems all that I have met here are on the east coast.
Talk to you again soon.
Hope you have a better day.
gingerbread1023@yahoo.com <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Hi Hurtinhart,
Im sorry I havent been posting for a week or so and reading your last post of 2 days ago , I am very much concerned for you.
Please DO not think negatively, you are going to come out of it.
I believe that you have to be honest and tell your needs to your H. You cannot forget all but you can gradually let go of it. Try not to bring it up for that will put your H on the defensive. If you want to discuss any issue or doubt then by all means discuss it with him, clarify it all, once for all, all what he did and all that you want to know. Get all the answers and then let go of them gradually.
I think you need to tell your H to spend more time with you. He should be able to make that out. Write a note for him that says so, perhaps you are not able to say it to his face , write it all out, so he can read it and think about it. Tell him you love him and you need him to express his love for you by spending time with you even if it means cutting down on his work.

One needs to move on, we cannot pursue happiness.Take good care and come online to chat if you want.
Humble

<small>[ September 11, 2003, 11:22 PM: Message edited by: humbleman ]</small>

Hi hurtin hart, billibob here, sorry
I havent ansered you till now, been real busy, back to work,I thought it would help take my mind off things, but it hasnt, dont get to many chances to come on here, my wife doesnt like me being here, she thinks Im looking for someone to replace her, so I only get on when shes not here, which isnt to often ,I cant believe your sister, and even worse your mom ,didnt tell you, I guess they just didnt want to be the one to cause you so much pain, and I can see that, dealing with the pain myself ,I wouldnt want to cause it to anyone, we had a bad fight ,just verble, fri the 5th, I packed, and was going to leave, but came back ,I keep asking myself why, and the only answer is I still love her, but its hard shes had 2 affairs where she had sex, and 1 internet affair where they talked about it, and maybe more that I dont know about, well I have to go get dinner ready ,Ill try to get back on soon, good luck and Ill keep you in my prayers billibob

Hi billibob
Always good to see you on the forum.
Maybe that is a good thing that your W thinks you are looking for someone.Sounds to me like she still cares alot for you.She doesnt want to loose you or she would not care.
I'm glad you are back at work I'm sure it makes you feel better about yourself.
You are a wonderful man to stay w/someone that has been unfaithful more than once.
I only know of the one A w/my H if he has had more I don't know about it,if I found out different I do not think I would stay and work it out no matter what.Once is enough.
Good luck to you billibob I always wonder about you.
Take care.

Hi Hurtin.

Hi bill,,, Well better now than never,... Im sorry you are still going through so much with your wife. And the reason you keep coming back is, because you still love her, You have always, she is the one that may have stopped for a short period, but although woman, men who have had the A say they never stopped loving us, I have to disagree to some point with that. Im glad to see you back on the forum also, and I don't see why your wife is so worried about you finding someone. I think it is her own guilt that is getting in the way there with all she has done. You should not have to hide to come in and make yourself feel better, by getting some answers to your questions, and your feelings. The way I see it is, she could be doing it for you, but sometimes it is hard to get anything out of the one that made the mistake, I think its because quite often we dont want to her it from them, because we think it is a lie. That is how I feel anyway... Glad your feeling better though, keep us posted. hurtin

well its me again,ya know I started to believe my wife, I thought there was hope,I thought we were going to make it I even started eating more than just a little dinner, I lost 60 pounds over this ,I never stopped loving her, and still do, but I can no longer stay married to her .I used her truck today, so I could pick up a door on the way home, I get to work a half hour early, its a 45 min drive, and I leave early in case of traffic, so I won't be late, well I was sitting there and decided to get nosey, and was looking thru stuff, found nothing in the open, then I open the consel, thats inbetween the seats, and pulled the insert out, and underneath was 3 rubbers, I had this open 3 weeks ago, running some wirring, and they were not there then, shes up in st louis, spending the nite with megan ,a freinds daughter we took in to get her out of the city, she is pregnant, and there there with her mom to get an abortion ,wich I dont like but thats another long story, anyway I called her, and asked her to explain ,all she could say was ,she didnt know where they came from, and would like to know how they got there, I must have stupid stamped on my forehead ,I told her to come back tommorrow, leave my mini van ,and load her things in her truck ,and get out of my life, I cant take it any more ,I dont know what I'll do

Billibob,
This is not what I expected to hear.I am so sorry.I wish there was somthing I could say to ease your pain.Maybe you should start a thread and get us all caught up on everything so that we know better how to help you through all of this.
60lbs that is a lot of weight.Has your W done anything at all to help in recovery?
Do you think she is seeing the same man?If so why don't you contact him?
I know this is alot of ? so I will stop but will be back to see if you have answered any of them.
Take care and now is the time to keep posting

god I feel so bad, my wife called and still insisted she didnt know where they came from, or how they got there, she even went as far as to say maybe I put them there, because I didnt want it to work out,that pissed me off, and I told her that if I didnt want to work it out, I wouldnt have stayed , and that I didnt need to plant rubbers to leave her, shes already given me plenty of reasons to leave, and hung up, I was sitting here crying staring at the rubbers, and noticed the experation date 10/89 I imediatly called her back and said I was sorry they must have came with the truck we just bought it last year, and I didnt see them when I ran the wirring, I dont think she would use rubbers that are 5 years past the experation date,I just found them and thought the worse ,I even opened 1 up and they were dry rotted, so I know they werent hers, with all the lies in the past, I just thought the worse, things have been alot better latly ,before today and I think shes really sincire about wanting to stay together, and that she will never do this again

You know billibob they did this to us.
I do the same everytime something happens I think the worse.It is not your fault that you jumped to that conclusion.It is just natural after all you have been through.
I hope your W knows that she brought this on not you.
I snap at my H all the time more so lately than at first,I think it is his lack of showing me that I am important.He acts like nothing ever happened he is right back to the same old guy.I feel cheated,he told me everything he wanted out of me and I gave it to him to show him how much I wanted the marraige to work.He did good for about 2m.and the sad thing is it was the first 2m after d-day when he was still wondering what he wanted to do.
I know you feel bad but do not beat yourself up over this.Call your W tell her the reason you reacted so was because you love her so much and the pain is so deep and you just don't want to get hurt again.If she loves you she will understand.

I am so glad that it turned out to be just a mistake.
And billibob eat something you look hungry <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

hi ginger, your right my wife seems to go on like nothing ever happened ,but it has, my life has changed forever, so much ,I don't know how I get thru each passing day, I pray each nite for god to give me the strength to get thru the next,and thank him for another day, together with her, I hate this emotional roller coaster ride ,I wish someone could stop it so I could get off, I keep hoping its just a bad dream ,and I'll wake up, and all will be fine, but its just wishfull thinking, thanks for the go eat something, you look hungry, it made me laugh, while I was crying which I dont seem to do much of lately hi hurtin, you said they say they never stopped loving us, well my wife said the same thing, and I think to myself, I could never do what she has done, I would have to stop loving her, and divorce her, before I could be with another woman, so I dont understand why they say it
I live in missouri, and its a nasty rainy day here, hope you 2 are doing ok, it sure helps knowing your not alone, and having people to talk to, I tried talking to my best freind, but hes no help, all I get is I dont knows, and your a better man than me, cause I would leave well I gotta go work just called and theres a flood in a unit, you two have a great day <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> billibob

Hi Billibob,
Glad I made you laugh,we all need that sometimes a good laugh.
Its funny the things we took for granit.Like laughing,eating,sleeping.Some days I am so tired of all of this I just want to run away.
I have not told any of my friends I know that they would have became weary of me by now.That is what has been so nice here,I have made so many great friends to talk to,that help me when I am low and that I can help when they are low.
I hope your W knows how lucky she is,I would do anything to have my faithful H back.But he is gone forever.
Talk to you soon.