hurt,

Would you mind humoring me a bit and helping catch up on how you have progressed since finding out about the affair. What recovery plan do you have in place to prevent this from reoccurring.....that is the challenge with these things you know? On the one hand....trust has been destroyed...on the other...we usually have a spouse he just wants to put this behind them. How are you coping?

Thanks for keeping up on my story. hugs.

Hi Hurtin,
I am still hee, havent forgotten you and you are in my thoughts and prayers.
Just wanted to tell you that my W and I have really worked hard on each other have nearly gotten over, she told me that herself, God, bless her. We are now stronger than ever before in our relations. She needs some space, and I guess we should all have our own private spaces to de-stress ourselves.
Important lesson I learned was not to live in fantasy relationships but to experience real joy of just being close in the present time. I urge you to look within yourself and give up the mistrusts and bad emotions, try to be positive, love yourself and others and share the daily love and care. Your H is afraid to commit but you can encourage that by taking the lead now. Come out of grief and begin to enjoy your day everyday, meditate and let your mind clear of the clutter. That will bring you joy and peace.
Hope this helps.
Your friend,
Humble

Hi Ginger ,, Im sorry we missed each other, maybe in the next few days you will be able to log on,, You better be able too lol.. Thanks so much for the kind words, I also feel so much better after coming in and reading. I feel If I can help someone just a little by what i have to say , then I have made it a little easier to live their life. Im so glad I had the opportunity to meet you, through the world wide web hahah... Hope to catch up to you soon. Oh by the way Pete is home and I missed him and was able to tell him that. Thanks so much for being there for me to vent. Hurtin <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Hi Star its so nice to see you here at my thread. Thanks so much for your words. Ok where should I start,,I feel since coming to mb I have progressed. I am able to tell my husband how im feeling without feeling myself that iam excuse my language *****ing. I feel he knows that I am trying and he definately wants to put this all behind us. I know he is right, to keep bringing it up is only hurting us both. First of all it reminds him of the A second of all it reminds me , and I really don't need to be reminded by myself right? As for my recovery plan, well Im living each day , day by day, Im giving him more attention as much as I am able for the time period we are in, I encourage him to do things that he may not have wanted to do in the past, I really dont know exactly if this is a plan, but I feel that it is doing some good. We are able to go out and do things without feeling that terrible feeling of guilt for him and embarressment for me.. I asked him to reassure me more when he walks out the door, and he has started to do this. I really deep down in my heart feel this will never happen again, but he is the only one who can prevent it. I have asked him to come into mb and look around , as of the conversation, im not sure if he has or not, last time I asked he had not. He has started reading Dr. Phils relationship rescue which he purchased. We just recieved surviving the relationship yesterday so that is my next project. How am I coping I am doing good I think I have my days when things just are not right, but usually it is when he has to go out of town, and then my mind starts racing,, he has been home much much more than before, and he is starting to be more attentive. He says he always wanted to, He just never knew when I wanted him around, which is the truth Oh boy star you got me started lol,, anyway I love reading your posts you give the word strength a whole new meaning. hurtin

Hi billi,, Glad to see that things are looking up for you.. I hope that it stays that way for the rest of your lives. I agree I have to give up the mistrusts and the bad emotions and just start living . Life is so short and what good is not living the best to your ability right? One question,, why do you feel my husband is afraid to commit? I just dont quite understand that one. I think it is my that is afraid of the commitment because I do not want to ever feel that pain again. But I would like to hear what you feel and think every little bit helps. Im looking at it froma womans point of view and your point of view just could help so please tell me more. Thank you for your words I am trully going to try to do what you say,,, I will keep you updated on our progress, Thanks again, <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Hurtin

Hurtinheart, After reading your thread I realize how painful this must be for you and am glad things are going well. I don't know how to put this without it sounding bad in that your lucky you caught this now. My WS is trying to end a EA with my ex best friend. I found out 16 months ago and just a couple months ago found out he had a PA while he was on the road, he travels for aliving, over 10 years ago. My sister told me as she had seen something in him at that time and knew, I confronted him now and he admited it. I now realize things were starting to go bad back then but I didn't see it. I wish I had caught it and had been able to make changes then when it was one night stand per say and not an EA. So enjoy the newness of learning about one another. And know that you have to go through the process and on the other side you will be much stronger.

me 39
WS 44
2 boys 4 and 11

hurt,

You know what really helped me? H and I went to an MB weekend together. It wasn't real expensive and it ensured that we sort of adopted the same language and understood eachother.

Many marriages, according to cerri, fail not because of the affair....but a failure of recovery. The folks who have to recover from ongoing affairs...have a slightly different task than we do...but some of it is similar. Let me show you what I mean. This is what Dr. H suggests as a recovery plan...precautions and the four rules:

Extraordinary Precautions to Avoid A Former Lover

To help you totally separate from your lover, and avoid the temptation to see him when you crave him the most, I suggest the following extraordinary precautions:

Even though the ONS is over and has happened in the past...these things still apply.

1. Honesty

The first extraordinary precaution to avoid your lover is to tell your husband all about your affair, and the decision you have made to restore your love for him. Then promise to keep telling him the truth about every aspect of your life, so you never again have a secret second life where you are tempted to hurt him behind his back.

Honesty and openness is one of the best ways to prevent yourself from being inconsiderate of your husband's feelings. It was your friend's threat to reveal all to your husband that motivated you to separate from your lover. Your friend wanted to shed to light of day on the things you were doing in secret to protect your husband. But you should do it yourself. Go right to your husband with the facts. If you had been honest about your budding relationship with your lover from the beginning, it would never have developed into an affair.

You may be afraid that once your husband knows the facts about your ongoing affair, he will leave you. Quite frankly, I think he has the right to make that decision. If, faced with the facts he decides to divorce you, you lose your option to restore your relationship with your him. But you simply cannot build a relationship on lies and deception. Dishonesty will never get you to your goal of loving your husband again. So it's better to get all of the cards out on the table now and build your marriage the right way, even if there is a chance that your husband will throw in the towel before you have a chance to reconcile.

Another reason you may be reluctant to tell your husband the truth is that he might have a violent reaction to what you have done. If you are afraid of his reaction, separate from him first, and then tell him the truth in a public place or with friends who can protect you. If your husband cannot control his temper once he knows the facts, then I see no hope of saving your marriage. Honesty is so important in marriage that if the threat of violence prevents honesty, I don't believe you will ever have a good marriage.

Besides, dishonesty does not prevent violence in marriage, it encourages it. If your honesty brings out violence in your husband, your dishonesty would enrage him even more, once he discovers that you've lied to him.

If you think your husband may divorce you or become violent when you are honest with him, I encourage you to be honest anyway, before you begin your plan for reconciliation. If he cannot accept the truth, no plan of reconciliation will work.

One reason you may be having problems putting this behind you are that you haven't had all of your questions answers. No, it isn't a good idea to keep bringing it up....but have you gotten some closure by having your questions answered?

2. Account for Your Time.

Once you have established a willingness to be completely honest with your husband, then continue to be honest with him about all of your activities. Make sure he knows about everything you do throughout the day. Give him a complete schedule of your activities, and let him know which of those activities make you most tempted to contact your former lover. Try to avoid people and places that increase your craving to be with him.

This was a biggie for H and I. He had to begin to communicate with me throughout his day. He didn't like accounting for his time, but it was essential in restablishing trust and a connection between us.

3. Spend As Much of Your Time with Your Husband as Possible.

During withdrawal, there is not much your husband can do to deposit love units into your Love Bank. But it still makes sense for you to be together as much as possible. That's because the more you are with him, the less you will be tempted to contact your lover. Try to have lunch together, talk on the telephone several times a day, and be sure to spend evenings and weekends together.

In many cases, I have suggested that a husband and wife go on a three-week vacation together during the first few weeks of withdrawal, just to help the wayward spouse avoid contacting the former lover. I tell these couples not to expect too many love units to be deposited, but by getting away from the reminders of the lover, they find that such a vacation greatly reduces the time it takes for withdrawal. Besides, the distractions of a vacation can often compensate for the depression that accompanies withdrawal, and makes the experience much less painful.

Sometimes a wayward spouse feels like getting away from everyone during withdrawal, and going on the vacation alone. But it doesn't work. It's too tempting to call the lover, and in many cases the lover ends up joining the wayward spouse.

If you go with your husband on this vacation, you will not feel like being very romantic with him. He should expect very little from you, because you will be recovering from your addiction to your lover. It's only after the craving for your lover subsides, and your depression lifts that you will be able to give your husband the opportunity to deposit all the love units it takes for you to be in love with him again.

Getting those fifteen hours in....well, it's not easy...but don't cut corners...without time together, recovery can't occur.

Four Rules to Guide Marital Recovery

1. The Rule of Protection: Avoid being the cause of your spouse's unhappiness.

If you and your husband want to be in love with each other, you must build your Love Bank accounts. But before you build them, you must be sure there are no leaks in the Love Bank. It's pointless to deposit love units into a sieve, where every deposit is promptly withdrawn by a Love Buster. So you must make a special effort to plug up those leaks by committing yourselves to avoid being the cause of each other's unhappiness.

The most obvious things spouses do to ruin their love for each other is what I call Love Busters. They are angry outbursts, disrespectful judgments, annoying behavior, selfish demands and dishonesty. I describe these destructive habits in my basic concepts, but if you need special help learning how to avoid them, I suggest you read, Love Busters: Overcoming Habits that Destroy Romantic Love. This book will help you identify the Love Busters that keep emptying your Love Bank accounts, and show you how to stop inflicting them on each other.

Most of the Q&A columns I've posted on the Marriage Builders? web site focuses attention on the Policy of Joint Agreement (never do anything without an enthusiastic agreement between you and your spouse). This policy protects both you and your husband from each other thoughtless decisions. Your affair was a blatant example of thoughtlessness on your part because you knew it would hurt your husband, but you went ahead and did it anyway. The Policy of Joint Agreement is a very important guide to helping you keep the Rule of Protection. That's because it helps you realize that anything you do that hurts your husband is off limits to you, regardless of how wonderful it makes you feel.

If you had followed the Policy of Joint Agreement, you would never have had an affair. But the Policy will also help you avoid hurting each other in a host of other ways, too. My book, Fall in Love, Stay in Love, can help you learn how to follow the Policy of Joint Agreement, and use it to negotiate agreements that are fair for both of you. Once you learn to negotiate with each other fairly, you will have learned how to follow the Rule of Protection.

2. The Rule of Care: Meet your spouse's most important emotional needs.

The way to deposit the most love units is to meet a person's most important emotional needs. Your lover did that when he wrote you all those e-mail letters because conversation was your most important emotional need. After one month of filling your Love Bank with thousands of love units that were e-mailed to you, you found him irresistible -- you were in love with him.

Conversation is not your only important emotional need. Affection, recreational companionship, admiration and sexual fulfillment may be some of the other important emotional needs that your lover met. Unless your husband eventually meets your must important needs as well as your lover met them, you will be frustrated and at risk for another affair.

Sometimes a spouse must learn to meet a need that he or she has never been very effective in meeting. Many of the spouses I've counseled have had to learn to be affectionate for the first time in their lives. They also have had to learn to be stimulating conversationalists and skilled lovers. They have had to learn to provide greater financial support, become more effective in their parenting skills and learn to become admiring instead of being critical. New habits that lead to need fulfillment can be learned by anyone. All it takes is a plan and willingness to follow it until expert level is achieved.

But your husband may already know how to meet your emotional needs. An important reason that you had an affair was that your husband's work schedule prevented him from giving you the attention you craved from him. When you and your husband agree to follow this second Rule to Recovery, his work schedule will no longer stand between you, because meeting your needs will become your husband's highest priority. All the needs that your lover was meeting for you will be met by your husband in the future.

If you need help identifying and learning how to meet each other's important emotional needs, I suggest you read, His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-proof Marriage. It describes the ten most important emotional needs for men and women, and how to become an expert at meeting those needs. When your husband has learned to meet your needs, he will be depositing so many love units that his account in your Love Bank will be overflowing. By then, you will be thoroughly convinced that leaving your lover to rebuild your marriage was the right decision to make.

3: The Rule of Time: Give your spouse your undivided attention.

You indicated in your letter that it was the lack of your spouse's attention that drove you into the arms of your lover. But it may have been more a lack of time than a lack of attention. As I already mentioned, your husband may already know how to meet your emotional needs, but unless he sets aside enough time to do it, all of his skill does you no good at all. It's the man who gives you time for undivided attention who will win your heart.

I suggest that you and your husband plan to spend at least 15 hours each week together, giving each other your undivided attention. Use that time to meet each other's emotional needs for affection, conversation, recreational companionship and sexual fulfillment. I have found that if that amount of time is taken to meet emotional needs, you can spend the rest of your 100 waking hours each week doing just about anything you please, without any risk to your love for each other. But if you do not set aside that time, your good intentions will not buy you a single love unit.

Since most everything we do must be scheduled or we don't do it, I suggest you take about a half an hour each week (say, Sunday afternoon from 3:30 to 4:00) to schedule your time together for the next week. Get out your schedules and write each other into your appointment books. Once scheduled, don't let anything interfere with your time together.

I suggest spending the same days and times together every week because it's easier to remember than a new time each week. Besides, you can be better emotionally prepared to be with each other if you always know that Tuesday evening you will be together from 7 to 10.

I also suggest that you spend time together when you have plenty of energy. Don't give each other the leftovers, give each other the best of yourselves. That's why I generally rule out time together after 11:00 pm. For one thing, you need your sleep for the challenges of the next day, and for another, there are not too many people who are at their best that late at night.

Finally, I suggest that you spread your time out every week, giving each other at least one hour of undivided attention every day. I am generally opposed to cramming all of your time together into a marathon weekend of 15 hours, because undivided attention is required, and 15 hours of anything makes undivided attention almost impossible.

4. The Rule of Honesty: Be completely honest with your spouse.

We have already discussed honesty as an extraordinary precaution to prevent you from contacting your lover, so I won't say much more about it. But what you begin as an extraordinary precaution, must become the standard way you and your husband communicate with each other -- with openness and honesty.

You have not been honest with your husband. If you had been honest, you could never have had an affair. Your honesty is your husband's greatest protection because it lets him know what you are up to. It also helps you both make adjustments to each other. Instead of having an affair, you should have told him how unhappy you were with his negligence of you, and how you were falling in love with another man who would give you his time and attention. If you had ended the budding relationship then, and focused on getting more of your husband's undivided attention, you would not have put both of you through such an ordeal.

The Basic Concepts section of this web site contains a section entitled, "the Policy of Radical Honesty." It outlines precisely what the rule of honesty is. It's complete honesty. I want you to read it over very carefully, because it explains precisely how honest you and your husband are to be with each other.

But be careful not to let Love Busters ruin the purity and value of honesty. Keep anger, disrespect and demands out of your honest expression of facts and feelings. If you can do that, you will find your honesty will not only help you find solutions to your problems, but it will also draw you closer together, and help you become the soul-mates that you can be.

If you are willing to permanently end your relationship with your lover (never see or communicate with him again), get through withdrawal, and then you and your husband follow the Four Rules to Guide Marital Recovery, I guarantee you that you will have a great marriage. And I also guarantee you that neither of you will ever suffer through an affair again.

This is a recovery plan. It contains all the elements I used reach recovery, compatibility and intimacy. You know all of this....but it's easy to lose focus once the crisis of finding out about the affair ends. Don't let that happen. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Hi Km,, thanks for coming and posting . Yes it is hard many more times than less, but I am trying my hardest to put this all behind and move on with our life.. It has been one year and 3 months since D day, and It is time ... I have spent to many days, nights worrying and Im tired of it all. About how lucky I am ,, yes i believ you are right... So many others have on going a to deal with, this was a one nite stand and I do feel lucky for that. Im sorry about what has happened to you, and Im sure the pain is greater because it is a friend a close friend... How are things for you know? Are you and your H still together? I would like to hear more, do you have a post here? Thanks again ,,, Hurtin

Wow Star I really appreciate all the time you spent here at my thread today.. I think you are absoloutely correct in saying marriages according to cerri fail because of failure to recover rather than from the affair ,,, It makes so much sense.. I sat here and read all you put here for me,,and I thought wow,, it all makes so much sense.. I would love to go away with my husband for even just two days.. I think we do need this we have not been alone together in 9 years. Im going to see what i can do to make a weekend work just the two of us.. Thank You so much for all the information you have listed for me,, I have printed it and am going to read it often.. Thanks again Star, it is truly appreciated....Hurtinhart <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

hi all,ginger, I can't help but do for her, and my children, thats the way Ive always been, some of her freinds that come around say they wish there husband was more like me, they watch too much tv sports ect, and they see me always doing something, I cook, clean, do dishes, laundry, scouts with the boys, take care of all the car repairs, all the maintenance of the house,we dont call any repairmen,I'm a jack of all trades, I'm in the middle of building a master bath in our bedroom ,and when I finish that, I'm going to build a big walk in closet, amoung other plans I have, next spring I want to build a storage shed, and get put new gutters on the house, and paint the outside, I keep thinking the same thing you said, maybe I should just stop, and maybe then she would see just how much I do, and how much money we save, by doing it myself, Ive been worring about my back, my job, my parents, and then this, toped off with going thru my midlife crises, and that has just intenseified everything, I'm so tired of all the feelings, and emotions, and feeling so tired and drain all the time, I was mad at her fri <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> , she knew I was working sat, and megan our adopted daughter was up in st. louis for the weekend, and my son joe was working, and she told my youngest son it was ok to spend the nite with a friend, which left her alone on sat, hello isn't this how she was going to be with him, making sure she was alone, to have the time to do what she did, it seems everytime I start feeling a little better, she does something like this, I don't know if she just doesn't think of what I'll think when she does these things, or if she thinks i'm just stupid and will overlook the nitemares of the past, well I've vented enough, I need to go change the heater in the hot tub, so maybe I can use it later tonite, it sure helps my back, so its the 1 thing I'm going to do today for me, hope your all doing ok billibones

Ok wow is she the luckiest woman alive or what.
Sounds like we are much the same.Doing for the family and doing for us last.
Sometimes Billibob I really believe that they do not think of how thier actions make us feel.I know my H will do something that will just break my heart and he wont even realize what he has done until he looks over at me and sees tears and then he will say "Did I do something wrong" well duh I want to say.
My H right now is putting himself in a postition were an A could happen very easily.He has a website and alot of the contact are women.I tell him how this makes me feel and he says but I love you I would never hurt you again.He does not realize that the trust we shared is gone.That in his mind he may think that he will never hurt me again,and he may never hurt me like this again.What he fails to see is that I can not believe him yet.That he needs to show me that he means this,by doing things differently with me in mind.I am sure you can relate 100% to this.

Well billibones,enjoy the hot tub and then go eat some Ice cream ok. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
Have a good night and keep us posted.

Ginger where have you been?? I have been worried about you. Please drop me a line in email so I will know that you are ok.. Billi I feel the same way that ginger does. Maybe if you stop a few of the things you do, your wife will learn to appreciate you more. My husband sounds a lot like you, he does all the housework has renavated our house put a new master bedroom, bath, office, laundry room, and just installed new floors in the living room and hall. He painted the house two weeks ago. Takes the kids so I can have time for myself washes dishes on weekeends, and goes shopping with me all the time.. Why can I not realize how wonderful he is.. I mean I do I just ugghh I think you all understand. Why do people mess things up so bad that they could lose everything they have worked their entire lives for,,,, it just doesnt make sense, but then again what does... Well i have to get to bed.. take care all, and Ginger please let me know your ok... Hurtin

Im ok.
And my H doesnt do any off that stuff.
Maybe I should trade him in for a better model <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> LOL

Hi ginger, I have missed you the last couple of times you have logged on..I hope your day was good, mine was thank god. Hubby left me a email last nite saying he realized how much i have tried the last few days, so I was happy for that. Hope to talk to you soon, Hurtin

Hi Hurtin
I should be packing but I am sitting here typing to you instead LOL I am off to my 25th class reunion,got to go see who went bald,and who put on the most weight LOL.So I will be gone all weekend be home sometime on Sun.so hope to catch up with you then.Have a good weekend and please someone out there try and miss me. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Oh boy what fun,, Have a blast women your gonna be the prettiest woman there. I just had mine in august it was my 20th. Didn't go because we didnt have a sitter, but saw pictures . I didn't miss anything lol.And what do you mean some one out there miss me... I have missed you for a while now,, Did hubby go with you??? I hope so, but if he didnt i Hope you had a great time .. Talk to you soon Ginger,, God Bless I wish you a safe trip home.. Hurtinhart <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Hi Hurtin
Im home,your right I would not have missed much if I didn't go.I feel depressed now.
I really miss you I will look for you online,I need to laugh.

Hi ginger,, Im glad we caught each other the other nite. I probably wont be on much the next few days my son is having a sleep over b day party on sat and well i have to get things in order. Im sorry you didnt have such a great time, but remember what we talked about. They just dont get it. And probably never will. What luck huh? Anyway I hope we do catch each other online for a few words of wisdom hahahahah I crack myself up. Have a great day at work and a great day off . Hurtinhart <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

ginger, what happened at the reunion? Why are you so down now?

Hurt.....it sounds like your husband is trying to deposit units....I think his love language is different from yours.

Hi Hurtin
You crack me up too. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
At least you know that your humor is not waisted just on yourself. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Star,Its a long,short story I will tell you just not sure where to find you.Tell me where to post it and I will.