I have been with the same woman for 14 years. We started out young and in March we finally got married. It was one of the happiest days of my life. In July, I found out she was having an affari with her boss. It has been going on since May. She says that it is over and she made a mistake, we are going to start therapy together but she says she needs time and space to figure out why she did this. Is this normal or is she just trying to see him again without me in the picutre. Why would she go to counseling with me and see him, I am confused. Any comments???

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">She says that it is over and she made a mistake, we are going to start therapy together but she says she needs time and space to figure out why she did this. Is this normal or is she just trying to see him again without me in the picutre. Why would she go to counseling with me and see him, I am confused. Any comments???</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If she is asking for a separation while still working for the OM(other man, her boss) then there is definitely a strong possibility that the A(affair) will reignite. In order for your marriage to have any chance of being saved, your WW(wayward wife) needs to end all contact with the OM forever, writte him a no contact letter and ,since he is her boss, she needs to quit her job. Marital counseling will be a waste of time if she is unwilling to end all contact with the OM.

While a spouse having an affair so soon after getting married is not a good sign of its chances of surviving, there are a few folks who have gone thru the same thing you have and were able to save their marriage, and the best example of these couples are the MB members StillTryingToSaveIt (betrayed husband) and ImReady2Try (wayward wife). You might want to consult with them so they can give you their insights as to what they went thru and what made them commit to rebuilding their marriage.

In the meantime please read What Are Plan A And Plan B? as well as Dr Willard Harley's books 'Surviving An Affair', 'Love Busters', and 'His Needs Her Needs'.

Keep us posted.

Oh my gosh I feel so sorry for you. You were married in March and you find out your wife was haveing an affair beginning two months after you were married? If your gut tells you she may be seeing him that you need to be on guard. If the OM is married I would certainly inform his wife.
Your wife needs to find another job as soon as possible. The marriage experts will tell you that NO Contact is absolutely essential. I do not know how you would be able to feel good about her going to work with the man she was having an affair with. This is more than just a mistake. Having a 3 month affair starting two months after being married is really shocking.
You asked the question why she would go to counseling and still continue the affair? Unfortunately this happens much too often. The cheating spouse may still wish to preserve the marriage and keep seeing the person and counseling is also a way to make the betrayed spouse feel better. The bottom line is that she cannot keep working and staying in contact with the man she has been having an affair with.
Inform the OM's wife or you may be enabling her affair to continue. By the way I know this will sound uncomfortable but your wife needs to be checked and so do you for STD's. Unfortunately these are the consequences of having affairs. In short, she needs to find another job quickly and end all contact or recovery is extremely difficult. I wish you luck.

If she is having an affair after being married for a short time it is my opinion that you may have made a mistake in marrying her. I would wish her well and tell her to have a good life with whoever.

Here is where we are. I told the other mans wife and he has told me that he is focusing on repairing what he did. My Wife has told me it is over, she is quiting her job soon and wants to go to counseling with me. But, she is ashamed and so guilty that it is hard for her to be around me. So we try to spend one day with each other a week (she is currently living with her parents). She still wants to move out though, to figure things out. Is this her way of trying to move on without telling me? Is this normal for a CS to do what she is doing by taking space? It seems like some of her actions are to reconcile but some are not. When do I finally just make a decision for both of us or do I owe to us to try and wait and work things through.

To Ktran 2

Actually I think things may be looking up. You did all of the correct things to do. You contacted the OM's wife and now he is working on his marriage. Your wife is quitting her job and apparently feels remorse. I would certainly go to counseling and give it a try. If you think your wife is wishing to move and finding a place to be free of you then I think you will know this by her actions and comments. Give it a little time.
Does she show true remorse for what she has done to you and your marriage or is she embarrassed that she was caught and everyone knows. Is she committed to being married to you or is this her attempt to simply get out of the marriage. Again try counseling and really listen what she is saying. If she does want out of the marriage you may be able to get the marriage annulled since it was such a short time. You may wish to contact an attorney. I wish you luck.

Click on the link in my signature line. You might also want to consider reading "Buyers, Renters and Freeloaders"

Uh-Huh!!! NO WAY! NO SPACE.

I am WW and did the EXACT same thing, and here it is over 5 years later and I am still seeing OM. You are her husband and her friend, and if you want the M to work and you love and care about her, then you need to have her quit her job, live with you, go to counseling, and have NO CONTACT. I GUARANTEE that if you give her "space" and let her keep the job, this WILL continue even though you are counseling.

The more I read this site, the more I realize how "the same" us Wayward Spouse's are. We become good liars to everyone, including ourselves. If you let her have her way, she will convince herself that she is working on your M, and when the counselor is able to help with the problems, then she will give the OM up cuz she will WANT to come home to you. But that will never happen. She has to give him up, and on faith go with you to counseling and put 100% in!

Good luck!

I totally agree with jaref!! No space. My wife is still with me after hers. She is going to go to therapy and we are going to get MC. Listen to jaref she is right!

I am new here, but I do have an opinion on this topic. Beings I have been there once before, though I did not stay with the OM in the end. She is offering the counseling and will probably go for the first few sessions, then will miss a few, then will end up not going. This counseling is a way to help you feel better about her hurting you so much. She, in my eyes, is not feeling much guilt, if any at all. I would say g'bye & g'luck to her and find someone who will appreciate you for who you are!

Juiles,
I think you are being harsh and unforgiving...something that he should not be so early on in finding out about the one niter.\

You said:
She is offering the counseling and will probably go for the first few sessions, then will miss a few, then will end up not going. This counseling is a way to help you feel better about her hurting you so much. She, in my eyes, is not feeling much guilt, if any at all. I would say g'bye & g'luck to her and find someone who will appreciate you for who you are!

It's not like the only thing his wife is willing to do is counseling...he said his wife is even willing to quit her job, I'd say she is taking a BIG step. And why would you say she is not feeling much guilt at all? Nothing he said above would indicate any such thing.

I wouldn't be so quick to tell someone to dump their wife...he has plenty of time to do that if it comes to that; but in the meantime it sounds like they are at least moving in the right direction.

Ok, Juiles,
I just read your post on "gut wrenching guilt" and I figured out why you replied to this post as you did...you can't forgive yourself. And because you can't forgive yourself, you think that your spouse SHOULD NOT forgive you. And that is why you think KTRAN2 should not forgive his spouse.

But you know what? God forgives us...but we cannot accept his forgiveness without forgiving ourselves.

Let me ask you? Don't you make mistakes in every area of your life? Of course you do! So why would you think you wouldn't make a mistake in your marriage? We all seem to "idealize" marriage as something that should always be perfect. But it's not. I guarantee you this isn't the first mistake you've ever made in your marriage...and I bet your husband forgave you for those? (just like you forgave him for his!) Yes, it was a horrible mistake and you can't take it back...but you can do everything in your power to make sure it does not happen again. Release yourself from the guilt that binds you, and you will find greater freedom and understanding to help you work on your marriage. Learn to love yourself.

Hi kt, I was just wondering how long has your wife been living with her parents? I do believe that she may need time to work on her feelings, but too much time is a red flag. The more time she spends alone, could mean more time to do what she should not be doing. Talk to her and see if there is a way you two can be brought back into the same house. I feel that if she is trully willing to work on the marriage she would be willing to come back home. And to toomuchcoffee I think you have a good head on your shoulders and I have read a lot of your threads I would really like for you to give me your imput on my situation.. Hurtin

I am going to make an appology about a misunderstanding that I read in the posts put up. I thought, and was even informed w/out reading for myself, that his wife was not going to quit her job. This I know is a huge misunderstanding. Now knowing that she is going to quit her job makes things a whole lot different in my opinion about her. She is like me in a lot of ways. I have suggested as he has suggested that we both get counseling both individual and marriage to work this out. This I had put in my post "Gut wrenching guilt". As for forgiving myself, just after this first (of many) marriage couseling sessions, I will come to terms with what I did that caused so much pain on my husband. Again, I am sorry about the misunderstanding in the post that I read. *Be needing to get glasses fixed* LOL <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

That last post was from me, not from my husband 'sdclark'. I must appologize.. yet again!
LOL <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

jaref, excuse me.....but, how in the world can you give any advise or act like you have all the answers when you are the WW and STILL SEEING THE OM???? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> I dont get it? Did any of MB work for you at all??? Sounds like a hipocrite to me?! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Thanks for all your kind suggestions. I am so confused and hurt since especially since this is the first time this has happened to me. To answer some questions:

1) She stayed with her parents for 3 weeks and now is home while she looks for a place of her own.

2) The marriage therapist advises that this is OK because she is not trying to be with the OM but is trying to find herself.

3) I do not know what to do. One day things are good, another day things are bad.

4) She says she loves me and wants to work things out but feels if she does't do this independence thing then things will never get better between us.

5) I guess now I have to deal with the affair as well as this independence/space thing she wants. Double Wammy. I feel so alone. I do not know what to do, she is my best friend.