I would like anyone's help who can. I have been married for seven years and I recently found a woman's phone number in my husband's wallet. I called the number and listened to the voicemail before I woke him. He attempted to lie to me about who's # it was. Finally, the truth came to light and I got to talk to the woman on the phone. She told me that she met him six years ago when he was on lunch ( he works for a moving company) and she was working at the resturant. They talked for a while and he moved her for free. He says he only kissed her once and couldn't go through with it, so he broke it off. This was all going on as we were trying to conceive our second daughter and the first was only a baby. Then, a couple of months ago he ran into the same girl and she gave him her # again. He was calling her behind my back and lied to me saying he was working late to go to her house and take her tv to the repair shop for her and had scheduled to pick up a bedroom suit for her. She says they were just friends, in fact, she has a boyfriend. But my husband never once told her he was married. She didn't know until the day I talked to her. I think more was going on but there is no way to prove it. My self-esteem has been destroyed as has my trust for him. I feel like he is making very feable attempts to save our marriage. I just don't think I will ever get over it. I am suffering, and my children are suffering, because all I do is lay in bed all day and I can't sleep at night. Can someone HELP ME PLEASE?????????

Arlene,
You are getting ready to embark on a journey many of us have taken..and survived. However, darlin', first you need to get out of bed and get ready. I know it's hard..been there too..but you HAVE to, so just think of me as your drill sargent and GET UP!

First order of business...get yourself to a bookstaore and get a copy of Dr Harley's book Surviving An Affair...read it. It will become your training manuel. If that's not possible right now, get to the concept protion of the website and read everything you can on infidelity.

Next, Read about Love Busters. Figure out which ones YOU own...which one's YOU commit and erase them from your life. You'll need to do this in order to "Plan A" him for a while...which brings me to the next assignment...Plan A.

Darlin' it make take a couple months of changes in YOU before you'll ever get the complete truth about his involvement with this other woman. Be the best you can be. You'll get there and have a better marriage to boot!
T

Arlene,
I am so sorry. I do understand your pain just as all of us do. My marriage is on the track to be "fixed" and I think it has been done so rather quickly. I will say that there are days when we slip. I will try to make my story brief. I july 2002, my H admitted sleeoing w/ a co-worker ( I had a feeling about it but didn't take action). I didn't believe it was a 1 time thing. well in Dec. My thought was confirmed after having a 2hour long conversation with the OW. He had been dealing with her for almost 3 YEARS!! So as you can see, I have 2 D-days.

Since then, I have spoken to the OW And found that all that he has shared thus far has been true. Normally I would discount what the OW would say but in talking to her I felt she was sincere, not vindictive, and was also truly hurt because she thought she had a future with my H. She was under the impression that we were going through a divorce and were SEPARATED. Well we weren't.

It's been a hard and long road. I will say that everyday that goes by by anger lessens. Howevere there are and will be days when the slightest thong will set me off ( when he goes out with friends, when he's late, when i hear a song or see a show dealing with cheating). Those reminders are out there and will be . They don't seem to affect me as much as in the beginning. I still find it hard to trust my H but I love him and am willing to try to put us back together.

My H's problem is that he doesn't like to be reminded of his infidelity. TOO BAD! You did it , live wit it. He seems to feel that enough time has gone by and that I should get over it. There is no time line and only time will decide when enough is enough. We are in counselling and I am thankful that our C is a very good one. I've tried books, they didn't work for me. I've used sites like this to gain insight, they've helped a little in conjunction with counseling. Explore all that is out there and no that your bandaid will find you.

I've been married for 13 years and have known my H for 22 years. We met in 7th and 8th grade. It almost killed me to know that a "friend" could hurt me so bad. I pray that time will take the pain away and I believe that it will eventually.

Good luck to you. Hang in there only if you believe it's worth it. I have 2 children and really do not know if I would have given so much if they were not in the picture. Hope to hear from you!!

I know what you mean about no trust, low self esteem. My pastor had to remind me that the person we are dealing with is our spouse not our child.

I have very little trust in people, the only one I totally trusted was my W. That has now been totally shattered.

I have sence told my W that I trust her and believe in her, but she also knows sence I told her is that it only with what remains in me to trust, and that is very little, she knows she has to rebuild my trust in her.
We are at the beginning of our recovery, and from what it sounds like so are you. Read all the material you can, buy Surviving an Affair, and His Needs, Her Needs. Keep posting. It does help.

God Bless

Click on the link in my signature line for more on Plan A and the path to recovery. Restoring your marriage will be the hardest thing you ever do (about the only thing harder is divorce) but you CAN have a marriage that was better than before.