I need help. I just found out my husband has fallin in love with someon else. He says it was never physical, just emotinal, He was deployed and it just happened, He never meant for it to.
I am having a very hard time with this i still love him and want him very much, I know he is confused and i think it i over for me and him from the way that he talks.
Any suggestions on where i can start. to try and save my marriage.

Welcome Struggling even under these circumstances...How did you find out about his feelings for this person? What are his thoughts on how he feels (besides confused).
First, get yourselves into counselling, work on what might be going on in your marriage and go from there. As per MB concepts, your H should have absolutely no contact with the person as it will confuse him more.

I want to share a little of my story, not to set off alarm bells but just to make you aware. My H was away on training almost 2 years for 6 mos. The last month things were "off" with us, but we had one more month of separation before our big move to another province. 2 weeks left of his course and he admitted he had feelings for someone else, the only female on the course. He had never had feelings like this before so it scared him and confused him. If he could feel this way about someone else what did it say about us (we were struggling a little at the time). He needed to go back to Toronto to complete his last two weeks or commit career suicide and that is when it became a physical experience. He truly thought he loved her....Now, 18 mos. later we have been to hell and back and then some. There are many things I would do over from before "it" happened to how we dealt with it after...

I guess my point is, don't write these feelings off, you both need to deal with them. And he needs to understand that just because he felt feelings for someone else, that doesn't take away what he feels for you, it's just new..Something Dr. Phil said once has always stuck with me:
"Most people have a distorted view of what love is. Just because the feelings change doesn't mean that those feelings have to be less rewarding. Isn't it possible that there are a # of emotions and ways of experiencing them that, though different, are equally rewarding? What once was dizzying and exciting and thus very positive can very well become deep and secure, also positive. the infatuation stage is an addictive ecxperience"

Sometimes people forget the true meaning of love and go after the dizzying effect of infatuation...and they can confuse the lines...

Hang in there, make sure you two are on the same page and want the same thing and go from there...I'll be thinking of you...(sorry for the long post!!)
D

Go to your Navy chaplin. Open up and vent your fears, frustrations and concerns. Ask for advice and prayers as well as information about your rights.

Read books about affairs. Educate yourself. Scroll to the top of this page that you're reading .... Just under the red Marriage Builders there is a link that says "Bookstore".

Begin a self-loving regimen .... rest when you can, eat properly, exercise gently to relax or aggresively to vent frustration, groom yourself like the queen you are (nails~hair~baths), read and play with your children, share your problem with a few trusted friends so you don't feel isolated.

At first, it is "survival" mode. When you get some information under your belt and you have some good supportive friends and clergy on board .... things can be started to form YOUR * PLAN .... eventually you will need a plan.

You'll probably be too emotional for a real Plan just now .... so survival and self loving and education for yourself is the first order.

Many BS's (betrayed spouses) find they do much better in the beginning if they ask their Doc for anti-depressants (AD's). I did .... and it was a tremendous help. I stayed on AD's for about a year. I think this is especially helpful if you have kids, because you need to maintain your balance with the kids.

This is a process. You won't like much of it. You can survive this. You can learn many things that will be useful throughout the rest of your life. Be open to the idea of not only surving but thriving .... eventually. The average timetable to feeling normal again is about 2 years.

Right now no one can say if your M will survive. But, YOU must be the best woman and mother possible despite this horrible pain of deepest betrayal.

Welcome to MB. I'm sorry you are here due to such hideous circumstances .... but glad you've found your way here, because MB is a wealth of friendship and sharing .... and we will be here when you need us.

Pepper <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

<small>[ August 12, 2003, 09:17 PM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

Thanks for your posts, they help alot, but i know that counseling is not an option for us. I have talk ed to him about it in the past. I posted here about a month back on the general board for some advise and i apprecaite you all affering hte support you have to a stranger in need.

Sorry, my spelling in my last post was really bad, My husband had walked up behind me and was reading, it made me feel awkward coming to a board for support but i have no where else to turn.
This deployment was hard on both of us, we went through a real bad stage and then things really seemed like we had hit a new beginning, we both thought we were off to a brand new start and then something happened to his ship where they had no outside communitcation for over three weeks. That is when this freindship took it's turn. He came home he said to see if things could be worked out between us. I want things to work so bad. I am not mad or angry, just hurt. he continued to write me send cards as though he still had all these feelings for me, then he came home and he acted funny like he was hurting, I know that it is a hard transition from the ship to home life so i attributted it to that, but then when he talked i got the feeling something was wrong. He had a secret email account thati caught him emailing this person from. That killed me especailly since he said it was innocent she was just a friend. I asked him to let me read the emails, he said no. So i emailed her, when i found out about the gifts she gave him to give to our children, I told her i felt her behavior was unbecoming for a military service member, and not to write my husband no matter how many emails he sent her, Well he knows i wrote her, because she hasn't responed to a single one that i know of, He seemed upset, but then he didn't. I know he is confused. So far all it has been is emotional. He swears on it. He has been completely honest with me since we sat down and talked and i belive him, but now i have no clue where to go from here, I feel as though i am sick in the head, i want him more than anything i am not angry or mad. We have had wonderful love making despite all this, but i wonder if he is trying to convince himself to stay with me. He says he still loves me very much and he wants the best for me, but of course he feels as though he is not what is best for me. I am confused too. I don't want to force him into anything but i want him to want this to work too. I try to let him have his space, and let him approach me, but i also want him to know that i still love him very much.
I have read Dr. Hailey's stuff and it has worked when i approach my husband with it, but he seems to be completely bent on no counseling. He absolutley refuses.

Do you all think there is a chance for us? I am willing to try not matter how long it takes or until he says he can't and walks out the door, Should i let myself be this open to being hurt even thought i am not hurting too bad. Maybe it is denial. I am not sure. I know in my heart that i love hime more than anything, i want him to be happy even if that doesn't include me in his life. The funny thing is he wants to stay friends if things don't work out and live close so the kids can go back and forth as they please. I am confused, Any help please on where i should go and what i should read. I am willing to try anything.

Thanks, sorry the post is so long and i ramble on.

struggling

I don't have any advice for you struggling, just offering a hug. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I spent 15 years as a Navy wife after spending 4 years in the Navy myself, and the first 6 years of my life as a Navy brat.

I know how it is, and I will be thinking of you.

Yes there is hope. Please click on the link in my signature line. Emotional affiars are just as damaging to marriages as physical affairs, and the recovery process is the same.