Is there anyone out there that had a one niter against their spouse and just that one nite alone gave such gut wrenching guilt that you were feeling so bad bout the your spouse that you could just die? This is how I felt when I cheated on my husband of 3 years, on the eve of our anniversary of all days also. I am married to one of the newest memebers here, sdclark. We are working through this. It happened 3 weeks ago and it is, still to this day, the worst gut wrenching feeling I have when I look into his eyes, seeing the pain that he is feeling. This is not the first time i have ever had an affair. I did cheat on my ex, that lasted about a month or so and even got pregnant by the other guy. That, even though my guy was a jerk, was hurtful for me to do to him. My spouse now is the greatest guy one could know and be with. I have issues to work on... but i just want the hurt and pain to go away and i want to forgive myself, which is the hardest of all. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Hi juiles, welcome to Marriage Builders.

The pain you and your H are going thru is perfectly normal. Pressuring yourselves to get over the hurt of the A(affair) does you no good because you can't speed up your recoveries. Recovery is a day by day process with plenty of ups and downs and if you keep that in mind, the hurt from the A can become manageable and both of you will eventually recover completely. The good thing is that you and your H have a good image of one another and show a willingness to do everything in your power to save your marriage. Are you going to individual counseling?

I am sorry for your pain. I am just a bit confused. You say you have a great husband and love him very much so why would you have a one night stand (hopefully it was safe sex)especially the night before your anniversary? Were you having problems in your marriage? Did you do this deliberately or were you drunk? Did you immediately confess or were you caught? Have you both decided to go to counseling?
What are the problems in your marriage that would make you do such a thing? I am sure your husband is in complete shock especially if he did not see it coming. Try to remember that your husband's self-esteem is now at an all time low. He probably feels he is not a good lover to you which is why you sought someone else right before your anniversay. I am just guessing here but do you think the fact that you did it on that date indicates subscounsciously that you are upset about being married? I wish you luck but please seek counseling because you seem to indicate that you have this pattern of behavior.

Juiles,
I think one way to get past the "gut wrenching guilt" is to quit THINKING about what you did so much...quit analyzing it. It's OK to talk about it to your husband - answer all his questions freely and honestly. If he asks for details, give them to him. Don't hold back anything. (The truth shall set you free!) For some reason, when most people confess something they tell the honest truth about it. Yet when they are asked for details, they start "sugarcoating" the details because they think the details are so bad that they don't want to hurt them anymore than they are already hurting. But you know what? They KNOW when you are holding back. The more honest you are, the easier it will be for HIM to forgive you and for YOU TO FORGIVE YOURSELF!!!

You have plenty of time to "analyze" this with a counselor and your husband...but YOU CANNOT BE YOUR OWN COUNSELOR...so quit thinking so much. Quit reminding yourself of what you did, but remind yourself of what you are doing now (rebuilding your marriage with honesty) and going to do!

In response to bryanp, there's no real reason for what I did and when I did it. My mental health does have a great deal to do with it. And just recently I have found out what that sickness is. Again, though, there is no reason for what I have done, but it does explain why it seems to be a repeated thing. I am and we are getting couseling. He's working on getting his own counseling. I have my own counseling that I go through now because of my actions before, during and after the A. And we just got back from a marriage counseling session this evening, which I must say went quite well. I do understand that it is going take a while to work on and get over it, but that will come in time. It's, as you all know, a very scary time for both him and I. Thank you all for your responses and would love to hear more!

Thank you sweetheart for posting this, it does make me feel good that you are contributing to this site. Let me clear something up. Yes there is a pattern to your behavior but with your condition (bipolar) it does explain alot. Feeling of guilt in my eyes is good...lol. But you and I working this stuff out is a great thing. Alot of marriages that goes through this dont even try to fix whats happened. Brynp thank you for those questions. I havnt been a good husband. I was cold and showed her no emotions and affections. Yes it is bad that she did this the night before our anniversary but the point is she cheated. Im partial to blame for it because i wasnt making her happy. You see people you got to work on this thing marriage 24/7. Its a commitment for life and I just didnt take it seriously. I love my wife so dearly. She made a mistake and now we are making sure she dont do it again. Yes I did catch her talking to a friend online because i have a software in our computer. But thats another topic...lol. Sweetheart just plz work on your condition. I love you.
Sean

yal are so cool...you make me cry

This is what i meant by saying that i have a real great husband. I do not totally understand why i do some of the things that i do, but through therapy and just recent diagnosis of bipolar, it will all come out a bit clearer. I do appreciate the help and understanding through this. I have always been one of those who likes to be able to get rid of the pain and carry on. This time its a bit more difficult. I cant fix his pain, let alone my own. I do know that this marriage counseling and the one on one counseling we both are getting will be quite fruitful towards the recovery of our marriage. I do sit and listen to what H has to say about the A. I do try my best to answer his questions. I do know that I am going to work real hard on this and the problems that I have to keep from something like this ever happening again. It's one painful feeling to see someone that you love so dearly go through so much pain and anger. Especially over something that you have done and or caused. Again, I am grateful for all the advice, support and suggestions and all is taken into great consideration. Thank you again... Everyone! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />