Well Im no newcomer to message boards but to this one I am. My wife of 2.5 years told me today when I awoke that she has had three separate affairs all with co workers whom we both work with (all of which were the attention/chase/sex and are over). Once prior to our marriage and two more after, the last being last Monday. I had noticed a difference in here mood and could tell something was bothering her. I asked as I always have, trying to be there for her no matter what. She has been dealing with mild depression for quite a long time and brushed it off as a bad day. I guess what comes around goes around. I am divorced myself but not from infidelity. I consider myself a very doting husband and provide 110 percent to our relationship or so I thought anyway. My individual past was littered with affairs and such things to others. Once I guess you could say I "Grew Up" I realized what a terrible and devistating thing it is to do to someone. Before my wife and I ever considered marriage we had both come clean about our past In fact on our first date!. It was a process of wonderfull talking and telling each other what our bounries were and what in a "Prefect Relationship" It would be like. We molded our relationship around our wishes and were married. I in the past years since we have been together I have been propositioned on more than one occaision, but I declined. I was a changed person and I would never do that again. I could not put another person through the pain and disgust. Well now the shoe is oon the other foot. She says it was not me and not my fault and that She is the one with the issues. Was our relationship perfect? I thought it was pretty darn close. Was our sex life the greatest, no! I guess there is the bingo winner. Having been in a few serious relationships before I was aware things do "Calm down". I have yet to meet anyone in my 35 plus years of life who was married and could honestly say thier sex life was what it was in the beginning. It is a natural progression, or so I believe anyway.

I am raw. I am hurt beyond words. I cannot close my eyes without the vision of her having sex with another man, let alone friends that we both know. I learnt of this about 12 hours ago and tried taking a nap on the couch because I am utterly exhausted but those visions are all I see. I am going through periods of internal rage, disgust, absolute dissapointment, and the thought that the past 5 years together has all been a lie. This afternoon she had an appointment with her psychiatrist anyway. She had told her of this the other day I guess, when she was late for the appointment the Dr called the house in the middle of one of our small discussions. My wife did not want to go to the appointment. Myself in tears asked for the phone and said we would be there in 20 minutes. We went, I was more concerned for the phsycological welfare of my wife than I was of anything else.( she is fine, very upset,disgusted and distraught but ok) I could probably type for hours, cause I can tend to be quite a babbler. But I am quite alone in this whole ordeal. I do not have many sources that I can turn to for support and guidance I am not really a religious person but I have a feeling I am about to become so, because that is really the only person to whom I will be able to turn to in full faith. I have always had great success with message board on various other topics in my life. So I turn to you, strangers, people whom I will never see or meet. Help me get through this!! I have so many emotions in my head right now I dont know wether to fight or run. I love my wife more than any person I have ever loved, but the betrayal, the disgust , the anger, the resentment. The thought of Holy #*&$ I am going through this all over again is about more than I can handle. It has taken me 15 years to get where I am today, well prior to today anyway. In what I thought was, all thing are going pretty darn well!!!! I had absolutely no clue ( aside from the hindsight is 20/20) and never thought this would ever even be a possability let alone a reality. So before I try to go to sleep, let me ask again for your wisdoom, guidance and prayers.

God Bless

Hi, sorry to hear what you are going through. It brings a tear to my eye. The emotions you are experiencing are perfectly natural. Im going through the same in fact tonight was the first night that I finally let all my anger out and told juiles (my wife who is another member here) how mad I am. I hope you have found a way to forgive her if not try to focus on that. Believe me it helps, because that will help both of you. Also you mentioned mild depression. That could be the link to what is going on with her. My wife has bipolar, that helps me to realize she didnt intend to hurt me. Talk to her and get into some MC. Hold her hand, I know its hard but it helps comfort her and it helps with your reassurance that she still loves you. Small caring touches does alot of help. I hope this helps.

Thursdaymorning,

Welcome to Marriage Builders. I'm so sorry you have the need to be here but since you do, you have discovered a wonderful place of information and support.

Please take the time to read all sections on this site, starting with the General Welcome for New Builders Lots of VERY important information and links that will help you to understand this site.

I know your world is reeling right now and it's hard to believe things will EVER improve. It can! Lots of VERY hard work and patience,, but it can be better than you ever imagine.

All the feelings you are experiencing right now are completely normal. Are you seeing a counselor? Any chance of arranging joint marital counseling for you and your W? They do have phone counseling available here with the Harleys. Check the counseling link if you might be interested in this.

Thursdaymorning,,take care of yourself. Keep posting, asking questions, getting advice and suggestions. This is tough. It is draining,, mentally and physically. Be good to yourself. See a doctor, if necessary, for anti-depressants. You're going to need every bit of strength you've got. But it IS possible and you CAN do it. My H and I have been in recovery for a few years now. Toughest thing we've ever had to go through many years of marriage,,,,but,,,SOOO worth the efforts!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

<small>[ September 25, 2003, 12:50 AM: Message edited by: Nerlycrzy ]</small>

Thursdaymorning I am so sorry that you are going through with what I went thru many years ago. It is one of life's most horrible experiences that any human being can go through. You did the right thing in coming here to learn how to handle your W(wife) affairs.

Your W is probably telling you the truth when she said to you that she is the one with the issues. There are a couple of BH(betrayed husbands), like stunned_dad and sdclark, whose WW(wayward wives) had serious issues like rape and bipolar disorders from their past that were at the root core of their A's(affairs). To her credit, she told you about her affairs when she could have just as well kept them hidden from you, and thus showed you enough love to let you decide whether you wanted to remain married to her or divorce her.

Sadly recovery, marital and personal, is a slow and painful process that cannot be rushed by anybody's timetable. I suggest that you read Dr Willard Harley's books 'Surviving An Affair', 'His Needs Her Needs', and 'Love Busters' as well as everything on this website. I also recommend that you read Dave Carders 'Torn Asunder'.

One last thing, please do not engage in any love busters (angry outbursts, selfish demands, disrespectful judgements, dishonesty, annoying habits and independent behavior). If you feel anger and resentment DON'T take it out on her, get out of the house or come vent here. She is probably going thru her own personal hell, just like you, which may be compounded with feelings of guilt and remorse. By helping her to recover you are helping yourself as well.

I hope to hear from you.

Hi ThursdayMorning;

I too am sorry for what broght you here, and I understand what your feeling. I agree with TOOMuchCoffeeMan, read all you can from this site, post as much as you can. Vent here, not at your W. It helps. You've just started, remember to give your W Love, Patience, and Time. Those are things you need also.

God Bless

I FOUND OUT SEPTEMBER OF LAST YEAR THAT MY HUSBAND HAD A YEAR AND A HALF AFFAIR. I HAD NO CLUE. WE WERE IN THE MIDST OF TRYING TO GET BACK TOGETHER, AND I WAS SO NAIVE THAT I HAD NO IDEA WHAT HAD BEEN GOING ON. HE THOUGHT THAT WE NEEDED TO BE HONEST WITH EACH OTHER BEFORE WE COULD TRULY BE TOGETHER AGAIN, AND THE FACT THAT THE $%#$$ WAS PREGNANT DID NOT HELP. THE BABY HAS BEEN BORN NOW WE ARE SEPERATED AGAIN AND LIFE CONTINUES. I AM VERY SORRY THIS HAPPENED TO YOU. YOUR SITUATION IS VERY SALVAGABLE. DON'T GIVE UP YET, IF YOU REALLY LOVE HER. I'VE BEEN GOING THROUGH THIS FOR 3YRS. NOW AND HAVE ONLY KNOWN THE PROBLEM FOR 11MOS., BUT I STILL LOVE HIM AS SILLY AS IT SOUNDS. I JUST BELIVE THAT IF YOU HANG ON AND GET TO KNOW GOD YOU AND YOUR WIFE WILL BE FINE. HANG ON YOU JUST BECAME THE RECIEVER OF THIS GAME AND IT HURTS LIKE HELL. REMEMBER THAT SHE NEEDS TO BE FORGIVEN AND THAT ANGER THEY SAY WILL GO AWAY. MINE COMES IN SPURTS. SOMETIMES I STILL LOVE HIM AS FREELY AS I DID WHEN WE MARRIED 8YRS. AGO. DON'T GIVE UP.

TM: Gee, our sex life is much better now than it has ever been before, and I have reason to believe that it will continue to improve. Because sex reflects of the quality of our relationship, and our relationship is much better than it has been in the past. I always thought that our relationship was pretty good and our sex life was bad because of something wrong with my wife, and she had a similar view. We were both in major denial, but it was not until we read Harley's stuff after her affair that we figured out what was wrong. (Those other five marriage/relationship authors just did not do it for us.)

Click on the link in my signature line for more info on how to get through the pain to recovery. I'm sorry to say, the pain will not leave soon. This takes time.

<small>[ August 15, 2003, 09:15 AM: Message edited by: johnh39 ]</small>

John39,

I really haven't had sex for 2 years, I've had a slight problem I believe more than half mental, I guess it does reflect the problems of our marriage. Now I have to wait until my W is ready again. Dang, how depressing. Oh well, looking forward to better days.

Well I would like to thank you all for your responses, It is good to know that I have some resources at hand. My Wife and I just returned from seeing our pastor, which I feel somewhat better after. I think my wife does also. It appears that there are some major physoclogical issues that she has to deal with or some that she never has dealt with. I have printed out the Emotional needs questionaire and hope to go over it with my wife and a counselor. I will be in touch again soon I am sure.

As you can probably figure out from my name, I am the cause of Thursdaymorning's pain. I'd give anything in the world, including my life, just not to be that cause.
As he pointed out, I have some major emotional/psychological issues to deal with. Things that have come up in the past time to time, dealt with on a temporary basis and then brushed back under the rug so to speak. I have started the process to deal with these issues, until I have DEALT with them once and for all. I know it is going to be a long hard road, and I think that was what kept me from ever really dealing with it - knowing things would get worse before better. But if anything in my life is worth doing it for - it's my husband.
I don't feel worthy of anything right now. To be quite honest, after talking with our pastor a couple times yesterday and with my husband, I DO feel better, and have some hope. Yet I feel terrible for feeling either. Especially when I see the horrendous pain my husband is in. HE is the one that deserves to have this pain lifted from his heart. HE is the one that deserves any kind of peace he can have. HE is the one that deserves hope in whatever he wants for the future. Certainly not me.
If you read this Thursdaymorning .. I LOVE YOU with everything I am. I know that may not mean much to you right now - that I've destroyed the worth of those words. And to say I'm sorry seems ridiculously small in the scale of what I've done.
I meant what I said to you ... you have been a blessing to me from God. The best thing that has ever happened to me in my entire life. And I know you feel that our time together has been a lie, and I cannot and will not tell you not to feel that way, all I can tell you is that to me THEY HAVE BEEN THE BEST YEARS OF MY LIFE. Was deception part of those years? Yes. And it kills me to say that. But I never lied about how I feel about you or what you have meant in my life - I was never honest about how I feel about me. That may not make sense and it may not bring any comfort whatsoever but it's the truth.
For those of you here, I ask that you please continue to pray for my husband and give him those things that I can not right now. I know he feels very isolated and alone in his feelings, and that any and all support you can give him mean a great deal.
God Bless

ThursdayAMPain

Poe and I will pray for both of you.

It will take Time, Patience, and Love on both your parts for healing. My W and I are still in the beginning process of our Recovery. Don't try to return the marriage to what it was, go for the gold ring intead. Your marriage can be redeemed also. Read all the stuff on this sight. Read Surviving an Affair, His Needs/Her Needs. There is support for both of you here, keep posting.

God Bless

<small>[ August 16, 2003, 09:55 AM: Message edited by: Silverthorn ]</small>

To ThursdamAMpain:

I truly wish you luck in your recovery. You sound very remorseful. I think is says a lot about you that you chose to be honest with your husband and to tell him the truth. It is a shame that all of this has happened since it seems you truly love him so much. As you probably know his self-esteem is at an all time low and is wondering if he failed you as a man, husband and lover. You will need to convince him that you never stopped loving him ever. Ask yourself what you would need to be hearing now if the roles had been reversed.
I wish you again great luck in your recovery.

ThursdayAMPain welcome to Marriage Builders. I am sorry for the pain both you and your H are going thru. You will find that this website is a literal goldmine of information, advice, and support unequaled anywhere else. It is for BOTH the BS(betrayed spouse) and WS(waywards spouse) alike that have a desire to rebuild their marriages into happier and healthier ones.

It took courage for you to finally face your demons and exposed the truth of your affairs to your H(husband). You could have easily taken the road of never telling him about your affairs and he may never have known about them. But you loved him enough to reveal them, and thus give him a choice to remain married to you or divorce you and move on with his life. Your H loves you very much and he is trying his best to deal with the emotional rollercoaster he is on, not only to become emotionally healthy but your loving H once more.

As you said it yourself, recovery (marital and individual) is going to be a long process but ,as Silverthorn said, with time, patience, understanding, and love it is possible to not only survived the ordeal but to finally have a marriage that is what you and your H envisioned when you made your vows before God.

Good bless you and your H.

To ThursdayAMpain:

I know exactly where you stand with your feelings and how you feel that they are not needed to be felt right now compared to the hurt of your H. I do know that my H seeing me in pain and hurt and upset with myself over what i have done is a bit of relief. He even sez he knows it sounds selfish to feel that way but that way he's reassured that i do love him with all that i have and that never intended to hurt him i anyway. I will keep thoughts of you and your H in mind at all times. This forum has/is helping us out tremendously and i hope the same you for and yours. This is a long road... a long process but i know deep in my heart that in the long run, things will be a whole lot better. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

To ThursdayAMpain
Welcome !
There are many posters here that have experienced your husbands pain. But there are in this board others in your shooes also. As I write this i remember Autumnday and Sincere1 (or close to those names/spelling), but there are others also. You will find these two posters in the recovery section and the pregnency child section. There is a search function that can help you find them. I believe you will benefit from reading their posts, and perhaps also your husband will.
When you have found one of their posts, click on their name to the left of the post. You will then eventually find a list of all their posts.
There is also a way to send a private mail to a poster, but I don't remember how.

<small>[ August 18, 2003, 03:07 AM: Message edited by: Frank57 ]</small>

Well my W and I are off to our 2nd marriage/psych appointment in a few moments. We have had alot of good discussions my W and I. we both understand our own anguish and what we are going through. I know she is comitted to our relationship and my trust for her has re-blossomed almost overnight. I worked all weekend and had to hear the voices of the other men. In my line of work I very very raely see them in person but hear them and talk to them ina constant manner for 12 hours. One of the OM have a very specific voice due to nationality. I had some anixety at work all weekend and chose to work only 6 hour shifts instead of 12. I wanted to be home with my W. The absolute biggest issue I am dealing with now is the visions of my W and the OM. I can barely go by a moment without seeing it wether my eyes are open or closed. This is the help I am you for now. I am trying to look past it all, knowing that it is finished and over. But I need advice and prayers to deal with this as this is my biggest issue. My W and I have committed ourselves to our recovery wholeheartedly I believe. She is sorrowfull for the pain she has caused in both our marriage and the pain at work which is something I enjoyed with much vigor. I believe I can overcome this but will need your help.

As always your comments and idea are greatly appreciated.
God Bless you all!!!!

The mental images are very much a normal reaction of all of us BS's and unfortunately there isn't anything you can do to prevent them from coming when you least expect them. One thing you can try, that helped me, is to accept the images and remind yourself that the woman in your mind having sex with other men, is NOT the woman you married but one that looks exactly like her. It will feel fake the first times you try it is part of a succesful technique that basically says 'fake it til' you make it' and while it may not get rid of the images overnight it will most likely lessen their emotional impact on you. Try it, what do you have to lose?

Thursdaymorning, as with any disturbing instrusive thought or image, the only way to dispel it is to replace it with something else. Believe me, I know how hard this is as every time I close my eyes I see H with OW and it drives me mad. Here's my strategy that has worked before:
Think of a beautiful, wonderful image that makes you happy. It might be you and your W on a beautiful beach with the sun setting and birds flying by. Picture every detail of this lovely scene. Then, any time you have your intrusive image, switch as quickly as you can to your "happy place." Or, if it makes it easier, any time you start to picture your W with OM, just quickly replace him with yourself - and then you can happily play out the fantasy as long as you like without it making you feel sick.
I know this is easier said than done; I have been working hard at it for my own demons and I can tell you that it does work.
good luck...

Well our counselor was "Aboslutely amazed" at the progress we had made. Our session last a good 90 minutes and we talked about alot of things. Neither of us got emotional, it was more an informative talk, like where we had been and what he had been discussing in the past days. We are both very hopefull and I believe totally comitted to figuring this out and making it work. I can honestly say that I love my wife more than anything in this world, and she is the most important thing to me beyond my breath itself. My wife and I talked extensively on telling the three OM that "I knew". We both discussed that no matter how good she is feeling she may still be very suseptable to any evil intrusion. Boundries were going to be of utmost importance ,we both agreed that the telling of the OM would be short and sweet. He knows, It is over, do not talk to me or even think about it. If we need to by some chance talk it will be in a professional manner and to the point, nothing more. We in our job will have over the phone contact with the OM, both of us. I see that it is a large issue in recovery that there is to be NO contact. But right now that is simply impossible. She told one of the OM tonight, needless to say his first concern was for himself (he recently had a new child). Hearing those word infuriated me beyond belief, as I said in previous posts all three OM are co-workers and friends/acquaintences of boy my W and I. He was worried that I would tell his wife and ruin things for him. As much as I would like everyone else to share in the pain and destruction this has all caused. I know that nothing good will come of it, and it may end making things worse for my W and I. Mine and I believe my W focus are on US right now and nothing else. We have come a long way but still have a long way to go.

WE again thank you for all your thought,comments and prayers.

ThursdayMorning,

I think you and your W need to talk about the issue of telling the OM's spouses. Or to put it another way, giving them the chance to come clean with their spouse.

The issues here are huge, both for your marriage and the marriage and children of those marriages. To hide it allows the OM to think that they can get away with it and unfortunately puts their W's at great risk medically, emotionally, and financially.

I would suggest that as you two work on your marriage you consider learning about the concept that is used here very effectively, the Policy of Joint Agreement, POJA. It is a simple sounding approach to negotiation in a marriage, but it is subtle. One of the issues to POJA is the telling of the the OM's Ws.

You are correct however, that the primary focus for you two is your marriage. It has been badly damaged,and your W has much to figure out and understand about her behavior. However, the consequences of affairs are far reaching, AND THEY SHOULD BE. So the idea of just letting the other people rot in their marriages because you or your W don't want to tell them is a bad one.

Someone could literally die because of it. AIDS and other STD's are very prevalent and these men clearly haven't paid much attention to what they could be doing to their own family, much less the people they have affairs with.

I do hope that your W has gotten herself tested, and retested. If not, I hope you two are practicing "safe sex" (what a joke) until she does.

You two are doing well, and it was good to see your W post here. I hope she comes back again and posts some more. The people here will do their best to answer her questions and offer advice and help as she needs it.

God Bless,

JL