I found out 2 days ago that my H had a one night stand two months ago with a coworker at a party where he got very drunk. I was away at college that night (I go to college 1 weekend a month). I just found out and am beyond devastated. There are no words.
I am scheduled to go back to college the weekend of September 5; how can I go?? How can I trust my husband again? I love him so much, and he feels terrible about what happened. Now, to make matters worse I told my sister about what happened, because I needed someone to talk to so bad. I know I hurt my H by doing that because he has backed off on being so nice and caring as he was before. Having read some of the stuff on this site, I realize I shouldn't have divulged what happened to a third party without getting "enthusiastic approval" from H but part of me feels I had the right to seek comfort with my sister. This is just a huge mess and I never thought I could hurt so bad.
How can I believe my H that "it will never happen again," "he has no feelings for her," and "it was all a mistake?" I can't believe anything he says but I have to or I will go insane.
I know there are others here who have gone through the same type of thing and I would be so grateful to talk with others who can relate to what I am going through right now.
Is there anything that will help this pain besides just time? I don't see how I can get through the next days, let alone weeks or months.

the short answer is: Get, and read together with your H: "Survivng an Affair", by Willard Harley. Beyond that, click on the link in my signature line.

I am so sorry for your pain but you are at a good place to get advice and learn that it is possible to love your H and have your M survive the A.

I have been here for several months and already the pain is beginning to ease.As Jon said get the book surviving an affair it is great and it will help you deal with your feelings.

Many suggest going to the Dr and getting on some meds.They were perscribe for me but I chose not to take them,that was MY choice everyone is different.

I can not tell you what you have entered into will be easy it wont but it is possible for you and your H to survive this.

Your feelings right now are very normal,do not think that you are the only one that has felt this way.As you post and read you will see that you are not alone.We all can feel your pain.

Post your feelings,if you are angry let us know try not to take it out on your H.It is important to meet his EN right now all part of plan A.

Your H is probably mad about you telling your S because of the guilt he is dealing with,he needs to know that it has nothing to do with you,he made a bad choice and now he must face the outcome as painful as it might be.

You hang in there.Is there anyway your H can go with you when you are gone for the weekend?It might be a great time for you two to spend time together.

I don't know if anything I said will help I hope so,I am no expert but I will check in and see how you are doing.

Dear Say, I feel your pain. It is the hardest thing we as humans have to face besides death or a serious illness. Im sorry that you are going through this. My husband also had a one night stand , and I just found out a year ago. It seems like just yesterday. The pain does get a little easier but the trust is the most difficult part. Someonw asked if there is a way he could go with you is there? For me that does help when i am able to go along with my husband but at the same time, it hurts for his affair happened when he was out of town working. Hotels drive me crazy and I have not been able to make love to him in one since i found out. People say dont be mean to them, but the rage inside us is all we know at this time. Give yourself some space , I dont feel that he should be angry with you for telling your sister because we all need someone to talk to. He had the affair, he needs to understand your pain. Go in and read my thread when will i love again. You can read my story . It may help you to understand me a little bit more. I wish you luck and my prayers are with you for I know exactly how you are feeling. hugs hurtin

Thank you so much John, gingersnap and hurtinhart. I feel pretty desperate. I have ordered SAA and will ask H to read it after I'm done. I just finished HNHN and he has agreed to read that too. I am really looking forward to finding out what he considers his top five EN and I am also looking forward to telling him what my top five are. I see so clearly how I have been lavishing what I need on him, instead of what he needs.
We went to counselling on Friday but that didn't seem to help too much, as it mainly seemed to be a place where we could talk to each other with a moderator. We don't need a moderator to talk, we have very good communication skills and talk a lot just on our own. What we need is someone who can really jump in and ask the tough questions and help us sort out where we can go from here. Maybe a different counselor.
I did OK this weekend, all things considered, but this morning as I got up and came to work I am feeling so unspeakably depressed. Life just doens't seem worth living. I have struggled with depression for a good part of my life, but over the past 4-5 years have started to believe I kicked it; I was on depression meds for 7 years and finally in 2001 I went off and have been doing so great. Now the depression rolls over me like a dark tide, and I remember so clearly how terrible it was. I do not want to go back on meds after having successfully weaned myself off. I don't want to be depressed. I want my life back.
Hurtin, I did read your story, thank you so much for sharing. It sounds like we have similar experiences; H did something stupid in the heat of the moment and it is just devastating. I never knew I could hurt so much. I am encouraged by hearing from you; this means you have made progress and there is hope for me too.
Thank you so much and please write again, as I am so depressed this morning and don't know what to do.

A month ago I found out that my wife had an affair. It was/is not the standard traditional kind. She befriended a lady and they both got envolved with drugs. I am a teacher and coach so my job keeps me going. She used to be there at every game but last Fall she would be in the stands and then disappear. She started to party with her brother and would stay the weekends at his house (where the drugs mostly came from). Well to make a long story short the brother stopped and my wife wanted to continue. Her friend introduced her to others that led one night to a drug dealer providing more than she could afford. So she paid with sex. She swears it only happened once and has been clean for three months now. But daily I resent and visualize the whole affair. She did not come forward the police told because they saw her with this crowd and the dealer was trying to start his own prostitution ring. What should I do? And how many times has it really gone on? When the dealer was arrested he told the police whom he had sex with and described the events of many. He described my wife's but she leaves out a great deal of what he said happened at first she said not to hurt me but I cannot trust her again!
TDoram

TDOram,

You'll get more replies if you start your own thread. You might want to do that.

SIAS,

DO go to college on 9/5! Don't not go just because you cannot trust your husband. It will be hard and it will be hard to concentrate but make yourself!! If he's going to see OW, he's going to see OW -- whether you go to school or not. Yes, being away will make it easier, but you need to go for YOURSELF! Don't do something you'll regret later.

Upside could be that you do go and your husband realizes he has to earn your trust again and is truly remorseful and DOESN'T see OW or contact OW.

Try another counselor. We had to go through a couple ourselves. One of them was like you described. We are now with a Catholic counselor who says, "marriage is her passion." She is so pro-marriage and so enthusiastic about helping us that she is the first one who has "directed" our counseling.

You say it was a one night stand. So there is no contact now? This is important.

Does your H realize that boundaries need to be set so he is not tempted again? Does H realize that you need to be able to go to school knowing that boundaries are in place so you do not have the added anxiety?

Was H feeling like you were moving on w/out him by going to school and not paying attention to him?

I, too, became most depresses to/from work -- thinking/dwelling time. Just keep coming here and posting and maybe we can help you through the bumps in the road you will be coming to.

SoDisappointed,
Thank you for your encouragement. My husband tells me this was a meaningless, drunken one-night mistake. The girl in question works in another department of his workplace and although they had limited contact before he now tells me he has cut her off entirely. They never see each other in the course of work; at the most he had to e-mail her or talk on the phone sometimes. Now he tells me he has delegated those duties to someone else in his office. I believe him because I have to. I have no choice! If I didn't believe him I would go insane. I have been told that I am foolish to believe him, but what choice do I have? Believe me that I am keeping very careful tabs on his time but again, am worried about going away to school. I think what we will do is arrange for one of his friends, who he and I both trust, to spend time with him that weekend which will give me someone to check in with and verify where he is at all times.
H does seem to realize that boundaries need to be set. Specifically, he is not going to go to any parties without me anymore. Also, he is not going to hang out with that particular group of people anymore. Also, he is not going to get drunk anymore (that one was his initiative and I jumped on it). He is not a big drinker, which makes that one night all the weirder.
I do wonder if H was feeling insecure or left behind with me going off to school. He said numerous times that he was afraid I would find someone else in the college setting that I "liked better" than him. I always assured him I would not, and then look what happens. However, if I ask him he denies that he is insecure or feels threatened or anything by me going to school. He has always been 100% behind me bettering myself. I was the one who was sometimes concerned that we would "grow apart" by me expanding my horizons and him not. But he always assured me that wouldn't happen either.
And look what happened.
I have to believe that some need of his wasn't being met which caused him to go and party so hard that one night. I think some part of him does resent me going off to college. He won't admit it though.
His big tactic now (not even a week after D-day) is to pretend nothing happened and everything is fine. He acts totally normal around me just as he always has. This is all well and good, and actually helps me to forget sometimes what happened. But I don't want everything to be back the way it was, because clearly that wasn't enough. What I want is, at least right now, for him to worship me and wait on me hand and foot and be totally obsessed with me and my happiness. He was that way for the first couple of days after I found out: he was so full of remorse and shame, he couldn't stop crying and he was just being unbelievably good to me. Am I selfish to want that to continue for awhile? Not necessarily his tears, but the sense that I am at the center of his universe? I feel like we're acting just as though none of this happened, but I certainly can't forget, even if he can.
His coping mechanism has always been to push the pain as far down as possible and pretend it doesn't exist. That just doesn't work for me. I have to face it head on and deal with it.

It amazes me how much traffic this board gets. Obviously there are many of us who are going through or have gone through this hell.
If anyone has any ideas of what to do with a WH who is completely out of touch with his own emotions...I would love to hear it...He seems quite unhappy these days, but refuses to talk about what's going on or the pain we are both going through. Most of the time he just wants to pretend nothing happened. I am going crazy stuffing this away inside, since he doesn't want me talking to anyone about it. He has such a stressful job and is so stressed out all the time; I am almost scared to bring up this painful subject for fear it will drive him away from me be making "love bank withdrawals." But if I can't talk about it with him who can i talk about it with?