I really need some help and advice as my world is falling apart. I have been married for almost two years, although we have lived together for 7. I am 30 and he is 36.

Three weeks ago my husband stopped coming home at night. He would call at 11:00 to say he was staying at friend’s house. At first I thought nothing of it but after the 3 night I questioned him and that is when he dropped the bomb. He said he was avoiding me because he was so unhappy. He said he has been unhappy for a long time- over a year anyway. I was shocked because I really had no idea. We have a 4-month-old baby and I was completely wrapped up in her. And before her birth I was wrapped up in being pregnant ; I had no idea. I then discovered he was actually spending his time with another woman - an old college friend. After further questioning he told me the two have kissed and even slept in the same bed- but that was it. I don't know if I believe him or not. Because of his lying and not coming home, I asked him to leave. I did not know what else to do.

He now says he is leaning towards a divorce. I cannot believe this. I asked him to go see a therapist and he refuses saying they can not tell him anything he doesn't already know. I told him we need to work on this and get through this and he says he doesn't know how or what that means. He thinks it would be forced and unnatural and that a marriage shouldn't take work and if it does then it was meant to be.

I am devastated and really don't know what to do. Sometimes I am so angry and feel furious at him for leaving the baby and me. Then other times I am so sad and cry myself to sleep. How can he give up so easy? I do not want to raise my daughter alone. He says I won't but the reality is he only spends 8 hours a week with her.

After finding this website, I now know I was not fulfilling his emotional needs. And the reality is he was not fulfilling mine either. We really did not have sex enough. That is his biggest complaint. I know and accept this now and want to work on it - but he thinks this would be forced, not solve anything and be very awkward. I have asked to visit this website but he won't. He tells me he will move back home, but says he will be miserable.

Should I just give up? Please any advice would be helpful.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I told him we need to work on this and get through this and he says he doesn't know how or what that means. He thinks it would be forced and unnatural and that a marriage shouldn't take work and if it does then it was meant to be. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He is living in LaLa land.

I cannot advise you, but my heart is with you.

TL,
My wife said these things to me about a month ago. She is in a fog, so to speak. I know she is not the person I married. She is continuing her affair. I've felt all the pain you are going through. It will eventually get better, a little anyway. If you want your marriage to work, you need to get your husband to end his affair. I'm in plan A right now, but plan B is coming soon. I suggest reading all the posts here, there is a lot of good info. Also, you should buy the book Surviving an Affair and read it. It explains how arrairs work. I know it shed a lot of light on things for me. I'm really in no position to give advice, but its good to hear other peoples experiences-I know it helps me. I wish you all the luck in the world. Don't give up and take time to take care of yourself.

Hi TL

I'm sitting up all night because I suspect my GF is about to leave me tomorrow morning. I'm in the final stages of a divorce process that started about a year ago. Sad story.

Anyway, my thoughts on your situation: I wish I knew back then when my wife told me she think she wanted a divorce what I know know. First, it is a tremendous advantage to know that your WH is having an affair of sorts. Having read MB site, I agree with some people here that the most loving thing you can do now, is to expose the affair in all it's details to EVERYBODY - family, friends, coworkers IMMEDIATELY. He might be angry because you pricked his fantasy world but the sole purpose of this is to drive a firm widge in between him and the other woman in order to END THE AFFAIR NOW. Then Plan A him - show him what a nice wife you really can be to him. No love busters, Absolutely none. Talk, talk and talk some more with him. THis will bring clarity. In the meantime read all the material on the MB web site.

Hope it helps.

TL, This is sad. But do you realize how strong you are to want to make it work. Like i said in another post you have to work on this thing called marriage 24/7. Thats what a life time commintment is all about. Workhard and enjoy the rewards of sharing your life with someone you love. Tell him that the next time you see him and then you will see if he is really up to the challenges of making a stronge, rewarding, enjoyable, and loving marriage.

Well, the weekend is almost over and of course my husband made no attempt to see his daughter or me. I called him Saturday afternoon and he never returned my call. God - this hurts so much! I just don't understand this. Because I am a glutton for punishment, I know where his "friend" lives and I drove by today and of course his car was there. How can he say I am reading more into this then what is there? It seems pretty clear to me that he would rather be with her then me. I want him to confess this affair to me but I don't know how to talk to him without becoming angry and telling him what a disgrace he is.
Does anyone have any suggestions as to how I can talk about this with him without pushing him futher away?

Dear TL So sorry this is happening to you when this should be one of the happiest times of your life. The birth of your daughter. She is only 4 months afterall. Well hun I hate to say it and I might be wrong (hope I am) but it does sound as though your husband may be having an affair with this so called friend of his. Most men who have just had a child would do anything they could to be around that child, to care, and give to them. Let your husband know your true feelings, for right now don't be afraid to tell him exactly what is on your mind. I mean he has already left the house and has been at this so called friends house. He obviously wants to share more time with her, than you and your daughter. It hurts like hell I know for I have a friend who is going through the same thing. Only her husband has left her for this other and has not only left but had two kids by her while still be married to my friend. Please try to talk to him , let him know what you are feeling . To tell the truth is the most promising thing for you. I will keep you in my prayers , I am also the victim of a affair. The pain is so bad, you don't know what to do, how to act , cant think etc. I wish you the best. Hurtin

TL,

Read about Plan A/Plan B -- you need a plan.

My H also began an A right after I had a baby. This was our second child. Some men go through the whole neglect thing and justify their A's when wife is pregnant or taking care of a newborn.

Is this your first child? Some men also don't bond until the baby becomes what they perceive as a real person -- sometimes as late as 2 years old. When the husband can actually understand child's needs and play w/child. I'm not bashing men here, I'm saying "some." Your husband is in the FOG and the fog is consuming him right now. That is why you need a plan. Because you will not be able to lift the fog without one.

My H ended his A when my baby was about 5 mos old. About the time she started sitting up and interacting more -- i.e., she was becoming real to him.

I really do feel for you. I ended up w/post partum having to deal with all this right after a baby too. Please watch for the signs and get help right away if you need it. It makes a big difference if you treat it in the beginning instead of waiting to see if it'll go away -- especially when you are dealing with all of this mess too.

Please keep posting and we will try to help! I will be praying for you and your baby.

TL,

I'm so sorry you are here. It's hard enough with the hormones and a 4 month old, then to deal with Affair. {{{{{Hugs to you and the baby}}}}

I would start a new thread - ask Starfish, Cerri- TMCM, John39 for Help.. You need their response as your situation is a little different with him staying at the ow house right in front of your nose. Do you work? Do you have income? I don't know if you should go right into a plan B or ??? You need responses from those who know lots more than me! If you have enough $$, I would seriously think about counseling with the Harley's.

I wish you the best,

2bm

It is too late. He told me today he wanted a divorce. I guess it is over. And he still refuses to admit he is having an affair. He said he is tired of hurting me so he thinks this is the best solution. Words can not express what I am feeling right now!

It is too late. He told me today he wanted a divorce. I guess it is over. And he still refuses to admit he is having an affair. He said he is tired of hurting me so he thinks this is the best solution. Words can not express what I am feeling right now!

hang on hang on

It is NOT too late!!! Many folks come here with their spouses involved in an affair and asking for a divorce. It's time to implement Plan A pronto!!!! You husband is involved with this other woman and is not thinking clearly. Do NOT believe anything he says....it's the affair talking and NOT him.

Do you know what a plan A is?

I do know what plan A is and I have mentioned to him that he needs to stop seeing her. He will not because he is in denial that he is even having an affair. He does not want to work to save our marriage. He thinks that if it was meant to be we should not have to work at our marriage. I told him I understand why he was drawn to her because I was not fulfilling his needs and it was only natural. But I said he has to stop seeing her now and give me a chance. He would not answer me. He said when he lies in bed next to me he feels like he doesn't belong there.

I know his family and friends are disgusted with him and he feels that she is the only one who understands him and so that just pulls them together even more.

This absolutely sucks and if you told me a month ago this was about to happen I would have never believed you.

Hi tl if you are willing to give this a try dont give up. Tell him that the honeymoon will be over before he knows it with the other w. He is in another world right now. I know it hurts, and you are feeling so so sad. I wish I could reach in and give you a big hug. Try one more time to talk to him, he doesnt even realize how much he is hurting you when he says he cannot even lie next to you. How painful that must be for you. Its such a hard situation. One pulling one way and the other in a totally different direction. How is he with your daughter? Does he hold her, does he bond? Please keep updating us, we will try to help you. You are not alone, although it must feel like you are. Prayers are with you. Hurtin

TL,
Does everyone know about the A? Have you told everyone and exposed it? Do you have proof, other than the fact that he is spending time wtih his friend?

I am the WS currently involved in the A and trying to stop. I feel that you should probably expose the A so that everyone knows - it will make it harder for him to hide now. The secret keeps it exciting.

Of course, I am just telling you in some ways what I wish my husband would do for me...but I tell you this: I would be EMBARASSED if everyone in my family knew what I was doing.

My best wishes to you.

Jaref .... let's you and I discuss something on a new thread. I'll start one for us.

Pep

He is great with our daughter when he is with her, although sometimes he is irresponsible- he left the house for four hours without taking a diaper bag or bottle. But he only sees her for about 6-8 hours a week. He watches her for me Monday and Wednesday mornings while I am at work.

The only proof I have of his affair is that I know he is with her. I have driven by on several occasions and saw his car there. He told me they have kissed and he slept in her bed - but that is it. He said he felt too guilty to do anything else. But it is only a matter of time, especially since he said he has feelings for her. At this time, it is more emotional then physical.

I have exposed him to his mother and sister. In fact in talking to his sister, she mentioned he did say something to her. That he felt like he needed to pursue this relationship. And that this was a mutual separation/divorce. I confronted him with this and he denied it and said his sister misunderstood what he was saying.
I will certainly continue to tell others when I see them.

He said he does not know what else to do - he feels horrible that he keeps hurting me over and over again. He hates to see me cry and today when he told me he wanted a divorce, he kept trying to hold me. I would not let him and kept pulling away. This really upset him. Was I right to do that?