My husband and I have been married for two years and separated for 6 weeks. This is the 2nd time in less than a year. We have a lot of issues and we are getting some pastoral help. We both want to work this out. One issue that I haven't brought up is this: he has a female friend from his past that he was sexual with until he found out she was married. This has been 4 or so years ago. They have remained friends. When we are together, she calls my house daily and they email each other. I didn't like this but I tried to be good about it because he said they were just friends. She is married and her husband allows her to have these boyfriends as long as she doesn't bring them home. I have never been comfortable with their friendship...but when I tried to explain this to him...he just doesn't get it. And then he accuses me of trying to control him if I put my foot down. Then he'll just go behind my back. The second week of our separation he went and stayed a week at her house...her husband was gone in the daytime at work. He called me from there and we had a shouting match over the phone with her in the background saying what did it matter to me, I kicked him out. That made matters worse because he allowed her to do that. No, I don't believe he has been unfaithful to me with her. But it is an unhealtly relationship especially since she is an adultress. I don't know what to do. If and when he comes home, I don't want her in our lives anymore. But if I tell him to tell her goodbye, he'll again get angry and say I'm trying to control him. He likes having female friends and has even tried to hide email addresses from me because he knew I would get upset. He has lied to me and told me he didn't have any other email addresses and then I'd get on the computer and find them. Then he'd turn it around to say that he just did it to see if I'd spy on him. I don't know what to do. This is only one of our issues but it is one of the worst. I don't want him going behind my back to contact her. How can I get him to understand???? Thanks!

tiger1964,

First, I want to tell you I am a cheating wife. With that said, I will tell you that one thing I have discovered is that men and women cannot be friends. By that, I mean, they cannot have an exclusive relationship with one another and leave the spouse out. If you and your husband as a couple were friends with her, that would be one thing (but even so she shouldn't be emailing him or vice versa). But what is going on here is wrong. He is using the old "you are trying to control me" routine so that he can lay a guilt trip on you so he can do what HE wants.

All I wanted to tell you was that you were not wrong to be suspicious and sneak in his email. It was a good, wifely thing to do.

I have no advice, but you are in my prayers.

Jaref, Im sorry but i have to diagree with you on men and women cant be friends. My best friend (other than my wife who is my soulmate) is a woman who has been there through some of the best and worst times of my life she was my "best man" in my wedding. I love her, she is a wonderful person. Tigger, he might be true. But there is nothing wrong with a little spying. Try asking how he feels about this. Communicate not argue. Try to find out if there is something she has that you dont.

sdclark,
About your "best man" - isn't your wife friends with your female friend? It's not a secret relationship where you send emails to your friend and wouldn't want your wife to see, right? I mean, I understand true friendships that were formed before you got married...but when you did marry, you let your wife share that friendship, right?

See, in Tigger's relationship it doesn't appear she was allowed to be friends with her husband's friend.

Now I'm really, really confused. I just spoke with my husband for quiet some time on the phone. He shared with me what he needs out of me. And I agreed to work on those things. Then he insisted that I tell him what is on my mind. I shouldn't have told him now, I suppose...but he kept on at me until I told him that I wanted his relationship with this woman to disolve. He got very upset. He did admit that they had sex in the past. But he said they were only friends now. I don't think he will be willing to give her up for me. I really don't think I am that important to him. He got really upset and said that I was just insecure and I was trying to control him and dictate who his friends are and who he talks to. I told him no wife would put up with an ex-lover calling the house at least once a day plus emailing him and him emailing her. He has discussed our sex life with her and our problems. I told him that he didn't realize what he was asking of me to put up with this. He said that when he gets back here she will be 800 miles away from here...and that is true. But she is constantly calling him on her cell phone when she goes out. I don't want to be her friend. I want her out of our lives. But now I don't know what to do. He just said that he thought we were a lot closer to getting back together and now he realizes that we are not. Is he just trying to manipulate me and make me feel guilty? I just wish I could just let go of him and forget this whole marriage! I don't think he'll change and if he appears to, he'll probably be contacting her behind my back. There doesn't seem to be much hope. Tigger

Jaref-
Sorry, made a mistake. I was just trying to help Tigger.

HI Trigger,

If the friendship is bothering you then you ARE NOT being controlling.

My H had a friendship with a woman that I did not feel comfortable with. I asked him to end the friendship with her and he wouldn't. He told me I was being paranoid, I didn't trust him, I was overreacting. He actually made me feel guilty for not wanting him to remain friends with her. I backed off and 12 months later he confessed that he was having an affair with her. If you are not comfortable with the friendship, do not back off from you wanting to end it with her. He's married to you, he chose you and that is what he needs to understand.

Please, do not give in to this. He sounds like my H did when he was "just friends".

tigger -- I hope some of the more experienced posters here will see this and help you, but in the meantime let me tell you that your husband is completely and utterly wrong in his behavior.

He is doing what so many of them do -- he likes having both a wife at home and a girlfriend on the side, and he is going to use every form of manipulation and cruelty on you to try to force you to go along with this.

So far, it's been working for him, so why should he change anything?

As you've discovered, it's only in the movies that these people are all scared and remorseful when they get caught. They do what your husband is doing, which is dig in their heels and fight and refuse to change anything. They make you feel like you're the one who's crazy and "controlling" if you want a real marriage with no third parties crawling around in it.

Unless you like having an open marriage -- and honey, that's exactly what you've got -- do NOT accept this. But don't sit back and hope that he'll wake up and do the right thing on his own, either. Don't just wait for him to start behaving like a responsible married man because he is NOT going to do this. He does not have one ounce of respect for you right now and it's going to be a very long time before you can get his respect for you to return.

Unfortunately, this been going on so long now that you are going to have to get very very tough to convince him that you're serious. There is a book by James Dobson called *Love Must Be Tough* that will help you, and I strongly suggest you read all you can on this site about Plan A (negotiating to end the affair) and Plan B (removing yourself from his very cruel treatment of you.)

You say you "don't think he's been unfaithful to you" -- tigger, he doesn't have to have sex with somebody else to be unfaithful. He clearly chooses this other woman's emotional well-being over your own, and that is absolutely being unfaithful. But when you said he'd spent a week at her house and you don't think they had sex? I hope you will get yourself to a doctor immediately if not sooner and get tested for everything. They ARE having sex.

Keep posting and get some help from the more experienced posters here. Good luck to you -- if you want your marriage, it's going to be a long hard road, and if you don't -- believe me, I understand. Sometimes enough is enough.

duplicate post

<small>[ August 18, 2003, 10:14 AM: Message edited by: psycho_b ]</small>

t,

Sounds like your H is manipulating you. He calls you up w/a list of the way YOU need to be for the marriage to work and yet, he is not considering your needs and/or fears re this OW.

I, personally, think the relationship w/this OW isn't right either.

Print out info and questionnaires from this web site and see if you can get H to go over the info with you.

He's trying to make the marriage problems your fault and that only you can fix it. This is not true.

I hope you can get the info and advice you need here.

I appreciate everyone's input on this...but I don't believe my husband has had an affair with this woman and I don't even believe that he had sex with her during his week stay....I know you're thinking that I am being stupid...but knowing that my husband never cheated on his previous wives while they were married and the fact that he has always had women friends that he wasn't sexually active with does help me to believe this. And one more reason is that he didn't know that I was monitoring his email addresses while he was emailing her. He had no idea that I knew about some of his email addresses and I would snoop and see what he was writing her and she was writing him. And there was never anything out of the way. He told me that she just needed someone to talk to and he listened. My deal is that because of her lifestyle this "could" turn into something bad. Especially since he has been talking to her about our problems. He has talked to her about things he had no business discussing with her. I don't think the relationship is appropriate because they were lovers a year or so before he met me. She is 200 miles from where he is now and if he comes back she'll be 800 miles from us...so it's not like they'll be seeing each other. But she is not a good influence on him....she cheats on her husband. And she and my husband has been lovers. I don't think I am asking too much of him to end this "friendship". He says that I am just being jealous and trying to control him. He needs to find him some Christian male friends. I don't think I'm asking anything that any other wife would ask. And I don't think it is fair for him to expect me to put up with this anymore especially after his little visit to her house that he knew would upset me. Thanks for your advice very very much. He and I are considering him coming home the first of October. I'd really like to get this issue settled otherwise she'll be calling when he gets here and it won't be a good thing. I also don't want him to go behind my back to talk to her. And if he doesn't understand my reasoning for this he just might try to tell me he has no contact with her...but call her when I'm at work. I can't take any more deception either. Is there anything I can do to help him understand that this is not a control issue...it is a marriage issue? Thanks!

Well, through your own admissions I'd say your WH is involved in at least an EA(emotional affair).

Bottom line...it's all about priorities.

At this point, what he's telling you is his friend is more important to him than you are.

This friend does not respect you or the marriage. That should bother your H and it doesn't seem to. Why not?

If this friendship is on the "up and up" then why does he lie to you and keep secrets about his dealings with her?

Here's another thought, your WH is the OM in her M!! How do you think her H feels about that? Knowing his W is turning to another man for emotional support. He may say it's ok...it's highly unlikely he actually feels that way.

You came here looking for advice and some reasonably experienced and objective opinions. You've gotten some great advice...open your eyes. Sorry if I sound harsh but, until he has NC with this person and is willing to make his M his #1 priority there's only so much you can do.

She is a threat to your M. Don't underestimate this situation.

<small>[ August 18, 2003, 09:02 PM: Message edited by: mgm ]</small>