<small>[ January 10, 2004, 09:22 PM: Message edited by: troubled1 ]</small>

Yes.

2 years ago, I doubted too... but, now I live in a marriage better than I thought it could be... with an H who tells me he loves me everyday.

The first few months were hell. He moved out for a month. At first he stayed to be a 'co-parent,' but as I got stronger (through reading, finding faith and trust in God, therapy and friends) I would no longer settle for a marriage like that. I pressed for separation if he couldn't re-commit. That was about a year ago.

Providentially, we had started going to a new church and what we learned and experienced there met my H where he was and he and I were baptised. H has truly become a new creature in Christ and it has been an amazing transformation. Me too.

This past year has been filled with ups and downs, but recovery has occurred.

So what about you? What can you do? Read. Learn. Grow. Get angry. Forgive. Accept what you can't change. One step at a time. Not always in that order... back and forth.

Focus on YOU and what you need to do to heal and become WHOLE and HEALTHY. Be a friend to your H. He most likely is in a dark place right now. My H was miserable... and though he HATED that I was empathetic (he'd rather have had my anger so his actions had more justification), in the end it was our TRUE friendship and LOVE that won... not he or I.

I made LOTS of mistakes (you can do a search of my posts by using my user #... I mostly posted on GQII and Recovery)... made lots of LBs... but we made it.

There is hope. Never lose hope in yourself.

edited to add: I just read your other posts and realized that this has been a long process for you... I'd talk to your MC alone... or a pastor... even call the MB counseling center... I think if I found myself facing this again, I'd go into immediate separation... if you haven't checked out Dobson's "Love Must Be Tough," you might want to... your H needs to face the immediate consequences of what NOT being married to you would be... you need to NOT focus on him, but on being the BEST you there is.

c

Cali

<small>[ August 17, 2003, 02:08 PM: Message edited by: Cali ]</small>

Q: Is your marriage over?

A: Not until your divorce become finalized.

Q: Is ther anything you can do?

A: Yes:

1. Try to get ahold of your emotions so that your constructive efforts do not get sabotaged by them. You need to do this in order to calmly and respectfully confront your H that you are aware that he is having an affair, and to inform the OW's H that his W is having an affair with your H. Being an emotional basketcase is NOT going to help you save your marriage.

2. Read the Harley articles on this website, especially What Are Plan A And Plan B? as well as Dr Harley's books 'Surviving An Affair', 'Love Busters', and 'His Needs Her Needs'.

3. Seek out counseling with a pro-marriage professional like Steve Harley or Penny Tupy (our resident MB coach Cerri who hangs out over at the 'just found out' forum).

Keep us posted.

<small>[ January 10, 2004, 09:23 PM: Message edited by: troubled1 ]</small>

<small>[ January 10, 2004, 09:24 PM: Message edited by: troubled1 ]</small>

troubled1,

I am a newbie and no expert, but everything I have read here so far suggests that yes...you should tell OW husband. I think one of the first steps is you need to expose the affair.

<small>[ January 10, 2004, 09:28 PM: Message edited by: troubled1 ]</small>

sides are divided on this...

I knew OW and her H... we worked for the same company and had socialized together... so... when I discovered the emails... it was a gut reaction to call her H and talk to him to see if he had the same suspicions.

When the relationship sees the light of day changes do occur.

Seek professional advice... I counseled with Steve Harley @ the very beginning.

Cali

Dear Troubled1,
I am sorry for your pain. I will tell you up-front that I am a WS and I still am having the A. I will also tell you that if you want this A to end, you should tell the OWs husband. Yes, it will hurt him, but he deserves the chance to save his marriage just like you do. Truly, you will be doing a great service for your H, even though you think he will hate you for it. And you will be saving him - at worst throwing him a life preserver to grab on it. You will be stepping towards him, not away from him. I think it is real love to fight for the one you love.

I think you are very right to be concerned about your H involvement with the OW, even if it is not sexual. I can tell you for a fact that the EA is much stronger than just a SA - it's the emotions that hook you. And even if it is as he says, that she is just confiding in him because of her own problems in her marriage, he should not be lying to you about it. AND she needs a GIRL friend to confide in, not someone else's husband.

<small>[ January 10, 2004, 09:28 PM: Message edited by: troubled1 ]</small>

Dear trouble. Yes I think you need to find a way to contact the ow's husband. Put yourself in his place , wouldnt you want to know. Your husband probably does not want him to know because then they will be caught. If he gets angry with you, that is ok, you have the right to be angry also. My sister and my mom knew of my husbands affair and never told me. It hurts more to know that someone knew and could have said something. Don't wait you can start to put your marriage back together right away, rather than prolong it further. Good luck to you hurtin

<small>[ January 10, 2004, 09:29 PM: Message edited by: troubled1 ]</small>

I'm so sorry to hear about your pain. I can relate to it as can most of us here. It seems so difficult to even function, and you wonder how life will go on.
In my case, the way it got "revealed" is the OW and her boyfriend got in a fight and she told him she had slept with my H. He got unbelievably angry and came to my H's work and threatened him eye-to-eye that he would kill my H if he ever saw or talked to OW again. H was scared silly and that is what caused him to tell me what was really goin on, since I needed to know why he spent the day at the police dept. and putting a security system in our house.
That's how it all came out.
And then, I wanted to go and kill OW. So, it comes full circle.
Could you go and meet the OW in person? I think an eye-to-eye confrontation would have a big impact. Tell her you are going to tell her husband if she doesn't.