I hope there are others here who have been where I am. I don't know who I am right now or what my life means.

Last week I received a call from a man who informed me that my husband was having an affair with his wife for at least three years. Needless to say, I was shocked. I never suspected (hence my name). My husband and I have been married 14 years and have two children. We both work, rarely fight, are affectionate and kind with each other. While we do not have a highly active sex life, I felt satisfied with our lovemaking.

The man who called me was gentle with me. He told me he had hired a PI on his wife and had unlocked her secret email account. I was so shocked I repeatedly asked him if he was sure I was the right woman. He asked me if I wanted him to send me the emails he found. Not knowing what I was getting myself into, I said yes.

I received a bound book of emails that began over three years ago. The book is over 1000 pages. My husband shared everything with this woman. Everything from his most private thoughts to his deepest anguish to his greatest joys. They work for the same company and have worked on joint projects. She knows more about his worklife than I do. As I read them I felt like I was learning about a man I didn't know myself, although I lived with him and raised his children for 14 years.

I feel like my life has been a facade, a poorly constructed movie set when something entirely different has been going on behind the scenes.

I confronted my H on Thursday and he didn't deny it. How could he? I had the emails in front of both of us. He cried for two hours without stopping, as did I.

I asked him if he loved her. He said yes. I asked him if he loves me. He said yes. I asked him what that meant? He said that he never stopped loving me as his wife and the mother of his children, and that he loved her independently of that. He didn't know how to explain it to me, he said, without hurting me further.

I moved out of our home into a friends for a short time. I don't know how to feel this kind of pain or how to take a next step. Is there anyone out there who discovered this kind of affair and survived it? What do I do now?

Thank you.

I, as well as most others here on these boards, know exactly how you feel and what you are going through. You will find support and advice here.

My first suggestion is to read...read...read everything on this site. You are not alone as others have been down this same road before you and unfortunately many will travel the road after you.

I don't feel I am in the position to give you any advice other than what I have... but wanted you to know that I feel your pain and that I am sorry you are having to go through this. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

<small>[ August 18, 2003, 05:53 AM: Message edited by: One_Day_At_A_Time ]</small>

neversuspected - Yes, sadly to say hon, most of has been where you are today.

A question if I may. Are you or your husband Christians?

First thing I would recommend is that you get a book called "Torn Asunder" by Dave Carder. It will give you a wealth if information and a lot of understanding of what needs to be done.

Next, or concurrently, read everything you can on this site. You will find a lot of it extremely helpful. You can even order "Surviving An Affair" by Harley to gain a greater understanding of his concepts and ideas that you will hear a lot about on this site.

Then, understand that your emotions may well swing out of control. If that happens, and it is usually quite normal, see your doctor for an anti-anxiety med to smooth out the highs and lows and allow you to think clearly.

Post here often. Vent, cry, scream if necessary. We KNOW the pain and anguish. You are among a crowd that understands, not just says "oh you poor thing" without really understanding what you are going through.

God bless.

Thank you for the replies. I have been reading this site all morning.

I don't know how much of it helps. My husband has been sharing his life with a woman in a parallel relationship to our marriage. I keep saying this over and over, like a nigtmare that won't leave - he shared more with her than he did with me. She knows him better than I do.

I never knew so many things about him. I never even knew the questions to ask or the issues to address. We had such an uncomplicated life. We worked, we talked about our children and some of our day to day things, we laughed, we enjoyed ourselves, or so I thought. And the whole while, he was sharing deep parts of himself with someone else.

What is a marriage? What was it supposed to be? What did it become? How is it possible to live with someone and all of a sudden feel like we only scratched the surface?

I feel empty and confused. He just called me and I don't know what to say. I read the emails. I saw all of it. There is nothing to hide. I cannot imagine going back to him, and I'm not sure he wants us to stay together either.

Thank you for listening. I feel so lost.

Neversuspected, I don't have great words of wisdom for you as I am a newcomer to this heLL myself. My d-day was also last week, August 12. I will never forget that day.
What I did want to say is, I highly recommend Harley's book "His Needs Her Needs" as I think it will help to answer your question: what is a marriage? It also contains many many anecdotes and stories of situations almost exactly like yours. It will help you to understand what exactly happened and some of the reasons why.
Then you must decide if you want to stay married to him. Read "Surviving An Affair" as it will give you a game plan for getting through the next few days, weeks, months, years, and the rest of your life.
Good luck; I am so blinded with rage and despair right now I can't even see my own situation clearly, but strangely it helps to read others stories and let them know they are not alone.

neversuspected - I know your mind is going in a thousand different directions right now, but I am still waiting for an answer to my previous question to you. The answer to that question will determine in large part the advice that would be appropriate for you.

God bless.

What a horrible story and I feel for your pain.
I would like to make a suggestion and that is that you move back into your home with your two children. He was the one that had the affair and he is the one that should find another place to stay at this time. I would immediately contact an attorney to understand your rights concerning your home and your children. You need to protect yourself and your children at do this as soon as possible. I wish you luck.

Neversuspected,
Sadly, many of us have experienced the pain you are experiencing now. I still have days of total disbelief. After 22 years of what I thought of as a wonderful marriage, I found out my H had had 6 affairs over the course of those 22 years. I was totally clueless. You will go through many feelings......anger, denial, depression, etc. It will be very helpful if you and your H can start some MC ASAP! Also,you may want to think about moving back into your home. You and your children need to be in familiar surroundings, to feel safe. Being away from his home and family may also help jolt your H into reality.

ForeverHers - I am a bit taken aback. Is their different advice for practicing Christians as opposed to non-practicing Christians or persons of other Faiths? Is this a Christian site? Please explain so I understand where I am.

I don&#8217;t know if any of you read the book &#8220;The Pilot&#8217;s Wife&#8221; but I keep thinking of this book. The Protagonist finds, after her husband&#8217;s death, that he led two separate lives. With his wife he was a husband, father and family man. With his mistress he was a political activist passionately involved in a terrorist cause. While my H isn&#8217;t so glamorous as that, this is how I feel. Like I discovered my husband is a terrorist.

Who am I? The comfortable chair, the worn pair of shoes, while she ignites his passion? I can&#8217;t believe this is real. I keep wanting to wake up out of this nightmare and stop the pain but when I open my eyes I see a book of emails that describes the horror of my nightmare in precise detail. They loved to write to each other. He never emailed me except short little notes. I thought he was too busy at work for more.

He called again. I asked him whose idea it was to become physical. I already knew the answer. I can tell him the date he brought it up and what he said. He told me that it was her idea. I let loose like a crazy woman and screamed at him that if he ever did one honest thing in his life it would be to tell the damned truth about this affair. I told him never to forget that I have it all in writing. He cried again. He said he was in hell right now knowing how much he hurt me. I told him he could never know how much he hurt me, and that he doesn&#8217;t know the meaning of hell. I asked him again to tell me the truth. He told me he made the physical advances. Although I knew it was true, hearing him say that was too much. Maybe I wanted him to tell me something, anything, so that I could believe it was not his idea. I hung up.

I am supposed to talk with her husband again this afternoon. I don&#8217;t know why. What can he offer me except more proof that this reality is one I now must live, that his wife and my husband shared themselves for almost four years while we trusted that we each knew our own marriage?

I don&#8217;t know how to live this pain. It seems like it&#8217;s happening to someone else except I have to feel it. I will move back into my house, thank you for that advice. I couldn't stay there as some of you may understand, but now I will.

ns,

The question being asked about whether or not you and your H are Christians is probably being asked because there is a difference in the way the advice is given, not the advice in general.

If you were not Christian, you wouldn't want us telling you about the Bible and the church and certain things to read and about the power of prayer, etc.

There are Christians and non-Christians here. Whether you are Christian or not, you go through all the emotions the same.

I, too, did not know my M was in so much trouble that it would lead my H to have an A. I, too, have the e-mails. The intimate e-mails.... it does hurt so much to see it in black & white. To see your H speaking to someone in ways he does not speak with you. It still hurts me too as H still is not speaking to me that way.

Please read the books that have been mentioned. No one is going to judge the situation by whether or not you are a Christian.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">ForeverHers - I am a bit taken aback. Is their different advice for practicing Christians as opposed to non-practicing Christians or persons of other Faiths? Is this a Christian site? Please explain so I understand where I am.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">neversuspected - No, this is not a "Christian" site. I think SoDisappointed explained it very well.

Just so you are not confused on this issue, I am a Christian. So very much of my perspective and "advice" is based upon being obedient to God and following His commands. That is why I asked the question, to know whether or not to include Scriptural advice in any comments I might make to you. So, yes, some of the advice is different for believers than it would be for nonbelievers.

But there are a lot things that apply whether or not one is a Christian, so there are several things that might help you that don't involve Scripture. I CAN tell you that I tend to limit my involvement with non-Christians simply because we approach things things from two very different belief "sets". But there are a lot of very good, and very caring non-Christians on the site who also are very good at helping out others. So my question was more for my information as to how I might be able to offer some help than anything else.

God bless.

ns,
I too am sorry your are here, but, if you search, you will find what you need to come through this.

I agree 100% with Bryanp. First- how old are your children? Did you leave them with your husband? That can be taken as abandonment. Is there any hope in saving your marriage? Do you work? Where is all the money in your accounts?

Right now, I know you can't even see 2 inches in front of you through the pain. But, if there is even a glimmer that you will stay married to your husband, then you need to get back into the house, read "surving an affair" and start on plan A.

Counsel with the Harleys if you can afford it whether you are staying together or not. Have your husband counsel with them too. Your husband sounds remorseful. That's a big step over what some of us here have. But, he's in the fog. He doesn't know what he wants at this point, and it's up to you to make the decisions for your children, your family and yourself. You CAN NOT trust anything your husband says or does while he is in this fog.

It's not fair- it totally sucks - but us, the bs(betrayed spouse) have to step up to the plate, and basically carry the entire load. But you will see that the payoff can be huge. That marriage you are talking about-- the one where you know everything about each other-- it's there for both of you.

If you decide to work on your marriage, and get rid of the ow, you can have everything.

If you talk with the ow - spouse. Ask him.. What is he doing to stop the A. Are they moving? Is the wife changing jobs? Has he set up any steps to make sure the A stops? Or is he leaving her? Tell him about mb.. He needs this place too. Write out your questions--have them ready for when you speak. Together you are a strong force. Once you tell their Company of the affair, it won't last in the daylight.

It's totally understandable why you were yelling at him. Dang it--THIS HURTS!!!!!! But you are going to need to get back under control. Rant-Rave-Scream here.. Then be the controlled person in front of him. We are here.. You can do it.

I wish you the best,

2bm

Thank you. I have ordered the books. I came to this site because a friend of mine recommended it to me. I have read as much as I can but I am really not sure of what is being said.

My husband shared his life with a woman for about four years, spending most of his day with her and only a few hours of each day with me. Am I to understand that his relationship with her is a fog? What does that mean? I feel like I am in a fog! I feel like my whole marriage is a fog! I feel like nothing I perceived as real is real!

THEY had all the facts and lived accordingly. I had none and lived in some illusion that I had a sound marriage and a happy husband!!!!

Could someone explain this better to me? Please forgive me if I'm emotional but I am so emotional right now!

If this were a few months I'd understand better how that fits. FOUR YEARS!!! How would the company knowing bring the relationship to the light? They spent most of their days together anyway. I'm sure their colleagues believe they are a wonderful team!

While I'm the shadow, the invisible presence at home taking care of the family and working at my own job...

I spoke briefly with OW's H. He is also still in shock. He said his wife told him as well that she loves my H. Well, at least there's no denial from both of them. Maybe they deserve each other?

Thank you for listening.

Ok NS, you are going in circles which is totally understandable right now. You are still in the first bit of shock. Here's your start.

#1 - This site is to get the other woman out of the picture, and your marriage back on track. Your number one concern is to get rid of the other women. So, the first thing you need to do right now is: READ PLAN A. Being new, you are to be in plan A right now. So- go read plan A right now.. You also need to get back home so you can work on this. Where are your children? There are links on this website to plan A/B.

#2 - FOG - The wayward spouse(ws) is in the fog while they are having the affair. From what I understand from other ws, and from this site, is they are so emotionally attached to the affair- they can't see straight. Affairs are an addiction. Just like an alcoholic will do everything in their power to protect their alcohol, buy their alochol, their lives revolve around alcohol. WS do the same with the affair. They will do anything and more importantely to us SAY ANYTHING!!! to protect the affair, nurture the affair. The WS is in deep deep addiction. They don't think they can live without the affair, and will do whatever is necessary to keep it going.

Just think of the alcoholic who has alcohol on his breath telling you "no, I haven't drank today".. The WS will tell you.. "no, I didn't see the ow today" with lipstick on the collar. Duh. The fog is speaking. They don't think straight- or speak straight trying to save their addiction. You cannot believe anything they say or do in this state.

Does your husband and this ws "deserve" each other.. I can't answer that. But I can say- hardly any Affair survive once they are exposed, and once they move past an affair. Right now your husband is a 100% cake eater. You do the cooking, the laundry, the childcare, the everyday things. You are "safe". The ow is the "fun" person. She isn't dealing with the kids throwing up at 2 a.m., and the figuring out how to pay the grocery bills. If you were removed from the picture, the ow would have to fill in all those needs. If Plan A doesn't separate the two, then you go to plan B. Plan B is when you(or if you have children, him) moves out of the house- and you have ZERO contact.. Let him rely 100% on the other woman to fill all his needs.

Talk to the "old timers" on this site. They have a vast amount of incredible knowledge. Starfish, Cerri, John30, Toomuchcoffeeman, etc... Can you afford counseling with The Harleys? Then call them if you can.

more questions? Just ask.. but first- go read plan A
{{{Hugs}}}
2bm

NS,

I am sorry you are here but I think you need to stop and do a few things. Just a few right now, OK. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

First thing you need to do is commit to making NO MAJOR decisions right now. I mean for 6 months or more, NO MAJOR DECISIONS Ok?

Next, you were advised to consider getting anti-depressants, please consider this. It will help you handle what you are facing.

You are already getting ready to do the reading that is a good thing, and you should definitely do this.

So, what is left to do? What you need to do now is realize that you ARE NOT alone. There are people here who's spouses have had affairs for longer times than your H. There are people here who's spouse had children with OM/OW (that is Other man/Other woman). There are people here who have discovered that a child they raised for over 20 years was not theirs. In the cases I am mentioning, these people sought and in many cases did rebuild their marriage.

Those are the things you need to do now.

What should you do next?

I would strongly suggest that you use Plan A on your H. Do you know what that is? If not, please read the articles here on it. But, basically it is to not Love Bust your H at all. To show him that there is the possibility that the marriage can be saved and you forgive him. There is more please read about it.

Now I know this sounds really stupid for me to be saying this. It sounds just the opposite of what you feel right now. Quickly dispatching him with the weapon of your choice is probably closer to what you feel most of the time. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> That is normal.

But, as time passes you will wonder WHAT IF??? Using plan A allows you to have that option, if when time has passed and you are ready to make a MAJOR decision, you will be willing to consider both options: divorce and making the marriage work.

Right now the idea is to keep your options open and your mind open.

Finally, you are about to, if you haven't already, find out what the term "rollercoaster" means. It is used here often and you will be on it if you are not already: one minute you want to shot him, the next you want what you thought you had. Rest assured that as time passes the swings will lengthen and you will be able to decide what you want. Hence the caution about making no major decisions right now.

NS, hang in there for awhile. Post alot, read alot, and if you are religous pray alot. Rest assured that your marriage CAN be saved if you and your H decide to work on it. It really can be. I know you don't feel as if it can now, but it can. There are many stories here where this has happened.

But, first you need to heal some, get your emotions on a firmer footing, and listen to your H. Let him talk to you. You know the truth, but you don't necessarily know what he is thinking about you. Finally,realize his thinking will change.

You asked about the fog. Well, the fog refers to the "logic" that is used while in an A. It just doesn't make sense. Pieces of that fog logic are as follows:

1. I won't get caught.

2. It won't really hurt anyone if we leave our spouses and marry.

3. The marriage was a sham and it was never good (often referred to as rewriting history to justify what they are doing).

4. My spouse doesn't really love me.

Oh! it goes on, but it is all justification for doing what they know is wrong. So what you read in the emails, while hard and fast proof, may be more of a fantasy than you realize. Neither of them had to live together pay bills, take care of one another when they were sick, deal with day to day issues of children, etc. Now that the opportunity is presenting itself, it may not be what either of them want.

All of this will come out in due time NS. So please give it TIME and have PATIENCE. T&P are really crucial to reaching the best decision for your situation.

Please keep posting and hang on, it will get better.

God Bless,

JL

I am so sorry <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> you have been handed this crappy hand to play. It's not "fair" .... and this is a bitter pill to swallow from a man you've dedicated your life to making a home and family with.

I am a recovered BS who's marriage survived my H's 18 month "soulmate" affair. They were "meant for each other" , they only stayed married "because of all the mortgages and the children that come between us and our destiny" .... blah blah blah. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

7 years later, we are happily married. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Today, my H cannot believe he did such a stupid thing all the while telling himself lies to make the deception seem OK.

Here's one more thought. Do not keep this affair a secret. Enlist any supportive family members to be your pinch-hit babysitter, or your late-nite phone shoulder to cry on.

It is OK to call your in-laws and/or your parents and let them know you might be needing their assistance because your heart is breaking due to your H's 4 year affair. It is OK to call the supervisor at work to let him/her know of the chaos going on in your H's personal life.

Do not threaten you H that you "might" do this, just do this. It's better for (possible) marriage recovery that the A be out in the open. It's called "consequences for behavior".

If your husband has ever given your children consequences or punishment for telling lies ... well, karma has just bitten him in the butt.

Whether or not you discuss this with your children depends on their ages, their ability to process something like this, and whether or not they wonder why Mommie is acting like a nut case! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> If the kids need to be told, then you tell them together. Dad gets to tell their sweet faces he's a cheat and a liar. Again, karma bites butt baby.

The affair relationship only appears wonderful because it's warts have been hidden. This is one of the reasons the A needs exposure ... to anyone you think it needs to be exposed to.

I refused to consider taking my H back until I witnessed my husband tell the OW's husband that they'd been having an affair. My husband apologized, and had to look into the face of the friend he had betrayed. It also pissed off the OW .... that was an extra bonus <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Can you imagine your husband apologizing to the OW's husband and to their children? It would make his numbers go up in the integrity department, wouldn't it?

My favorite affair book is "Torn Assunder" , but "Surviving An Affair" is excellent too. Either one is great.

Move back into your home. If anyone leaves, it's the adulteror.

I was on antidepressants for about 2 years. It really helped my focus.

This acute pain lasts about 3-4 months .... then there are great highs and lows.

You won't die from this pain, although it seems like it should kill you sometimes.

I just want to say one more time ... our marriage survived this disaster, and we are happier than ever. There is hope.

Take things slowly. No need to rush any life-changing decision until your stress hormones have leveled off.

Love,

Pep <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

<small>[ August 18, 2003, 07:16 PM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

bumping up