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Joined: Jul 2003
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My husband and I were supposed to go on a vacation together to Canada tomorrow for a week so my husband can do the Ironman race there. I hae been looking forward to this trip for quite a while. With the new developments with our marriage and husband wanted to split this has definitely added great stress on us. He only wants me to go if I can hold it together.

Given the situation, should I be going or should he go alone?

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troubled1,
Iron man race is a big race. I unnderstand the mess he has created for you because I'm a BS. You are still married to him. Which means you might want to support him in this. This will also show how strong of a woman you are. This will be hard for you but dont break down.
Sean

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Sorry the last reply was from...LOL. My wife is Juiles.

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Hi Troubled,

I am so sorry for what you are going through.

Lets see if we can help a little bit.

I can't see from your past few posts (forgive me if I missed something) if you are in plan A or not. If you intend to do plan A, and if you can stand to be with him, and support him, I recommend you go.

Most likely he will not be all sweetness and light while you do this trip with him. He may be feeling he misses her and he may not treat you as he should - probably won't.

So, what do you think?

I see you run also, and so your support would be a great help to him, and would meet needs for him. You will understand what he goes through (during the race) and be able to give the best support to him. I have to think he would appreciate that from you.

I recommend you notify OW's husband before you go, so she can have a few days without contacting your H to work things out with her H.

Will your H be angry?
So what if he is?
This is one of the best tools you have to get the affair to end, and I believe you should use it. You may need proof, so if you have e-mails, or anything else, you should give it at the same time.

Now, about that trip again -
As long as you can go with him and give support, I recommend you go. Use it to get what you want, and that is to be closer to him. You can view him as a terrible person that is harming you on purpose, or as someone that is caught up in a tragedy and needs help. I suspect the truth is somewhere in the middle, but which line of thinking will help you to best do what you need to do?

I know this will be hard, in fact, it may be the most difficult thing you ever do. We are wishing you strength for the journey. Please let us know how you do.

SS

<small>[ August 19, 2003, 02:41 PM: Message edited by: still seeking ]</small>

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Hey, Troubled -

Time with the WS is always a good thing. And YES, hold it together! If you need to scream and cry and bang on things, do it out of WS's sight. If you get your emotions under control, you get your life and your self and your marriage (eventually!) under control.

And start planning. Plan and plan and plan. Plan A, Plan B, Plan D, plan 'em all. Plan YOUR life. What are you going to do at branch A? What -is- Branch B? etc., etc., etc.

Your mind is totally focused on this stuff anyway, so you might as well make it do something useful. Look at your household. (If you need help there, look at Flylady.net for TONS of it.) Look at your finances. All the way down to the $0.75 you spent on a candy bar.

Look at your job. Look at your family. Look at your religion. Look at your clothes and your hairstyle and the books on your bedside table. This is a huge, huge opportunity for you. What do you see? What do you like? If you don't like it, change it! For yourself, not your WH!!

Oh, sure, don't change stuff that he's gonna hate. But if you see something about yourself that you want to improve, improve it in a way that will make -you- happy, too.

Find peace in this stuff. Don't make your WS crazy with it. Don't even tell him about it. Just DO it. And then plan and plan and plan some more.

Heck, you can plan while he's out running and biking and swimming. Or you can talk to all the other spouses who'll be hanging around there. Have fun! Even if your WS is a total freak, have fun.

<small>[ August 19, 2003, 02:42 PM: Message edited by: J of HJK ]</small>

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So I e-mailed my husband that I think I would like to go to Canada and his response was that he doesn't think I can leave the tension behind and he can't handle the stress that has been in the house the last couple of days before his race. I don't think I should beg to go? How should I respond to that?

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Tell him that you really need to go. Tell him that you will leave stress and tension behind.

Then do it.

Bite your tongue off if you have to... but create GOOD memories and BE HIS FRIEND...

Think back to the beginning of your courtship/friendship and REPEAT some of those memories.

H and I went on a trip a few months after d-day and it was a GOOD thing...

BUT... YOU HAVE TO MAKE IT HAPPEN... you have to let it all go for one week... no relationship talks... JUST BE FRIENDS...

Cali

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my husband asked me if I was trying to prove something by going. I really think he doesn't want me to go. I discussed trying to change my ticket to leave on Friday and come back on Monday, just for the race weekend rather than the whole week. He said to check it out. It really hurts that he doesn't want me there.

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I gave in. It was getting late and I was tired. I won't be going to Canada. I'll be driving him to the airport in a couple of minutes. My heart is broken. He'll be gone for 7 days. This morning he said he was sorry that things got so screwed up with "this" (our vacation). I said I was sorry too. I'll have alot of time to think about this while he's gone.

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Tell her H!!!!

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<small>[ August 20, 2003, 07:30 AM: Message edited by: troubled1 ]</small>


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