I found out 2 weeks ago about an emotional affair of my husband who has moved out 8 weeks ago. I had not had any contact with him since this till Friday when I had to call him about filing our taxes. I asked my question and said goodbye as he tried to keep me on the phone by saying he was sorry he has been such an [censored] the past 8 wks. (he has been very hurtful to me this entire time and has told many lies)He then asked how I was doing and I shortly said fine. He asked if he could buy my nephew a birthday gift and I told him that was his decision. He then asked if he could call me this weekend. I said I guess but I am going to be gone most the weekend.

He never called over the weekend. (I agonized over this. Should I talk to him, is he calling to be hurtful. The hurtful things is why I stopped having any contact with him. Is he calling because he now wants to come back. All I have wanted was to repair our marriage. I love him very much. But now over the past 2 weeks I have thought a lot. Can I take him back if he wants back? Can I ever trust him again? What if in 2 years some other woman shows an interest will he put me through all of this pain once again. Can I handle that and is my marriage worth the pain? Can I ever forgive him for the betrayal he has done to me and our marrige?)

He is supposed to be giving me $$$ to pay the bills for the house and he has not so I called and requested $$. He said he was in a meeting and would have to call me back. He called back and said he would give me money... and then went on to notice I was upset. ( I had been at my nephew's bday party and found out H was seen with OW in an embrace... very much upset me) I told him why I was upset. He said she was no longer in his life that he help her and her H get back together. He also said that he was hurting because she left him and he loved her. He said he did not realize how much pain I was going through till this happened to him. This is very upseting for me. He wanted to know what I wanted. I told him 2 wks ago I knew but now I did not know if I could take him back. He said he was not saying he wanted to come back but he was not saying he did not want to comeback. He needed to think and we needed to start talking in person. He told me there will always be a (I won't use names as he did) him and OW in his heart and he may always love her. I wanted to ask him if there was ever a me and him in his heart and did he ever love me. I am still hurting so bad. How can he be so hurtful. He said he wanted to first talk to find out how we are going to live on our own for now and that right now we are enemies ( I have never treated him like that through this entire sitiuation, I have been understanding through all of this) (almost too understanding) and that we need to become friends again and maybe discover what we once had. I told him I did not want what we once had I wanted and deserved a better realtionship. As well as someone who could be truthful and open with me. ( he has never been truely open with me about his feelings) He said he knew he had made a mistake by not trusting me with his true feelings for the past 14 yrs together & 7 married. I have never given him an reason not to trust me that is what bothers me most. His past with his parents has caused him to trust no one. I asked him how I could know that if we were to reconcile that he would not once again go after another woman. I asked him what if we were in the middle of working things out and the OW left her H again would he leave me for her since he loved her. (how can you love someone after 2 mos.) He has started going to church again and seeing a preacher to counsel and also starts seeing a counselor Thursday. He would not let me off the phone he kept saying we need to talk even after I had reluculantly agreed. He kept asking me not to tell his aunt about of conversation. And I promised not to but he kept asking me to promise. I finally blew up at him and told him I keep my promises and you have no reason not to trust me so do not ask me to promise this again I have already answered that quesiton. He is the one that lies to me constantly how dare he treat me like I am not trustworthy. Anyway we got off the phone after lots of crying by me. (he also said that once he can sit and tell me of his past week I will understand he is a changed person)

He had asked me to call him and let him know if a friend paid an owed debt to me and I did not get paid by the friend so I called him and told him. He said he would drop $$ by the house (without contact as I request for now till we actually make an apt. to talk I have been hurt tooo much in the past 8 wks by his hurtful words and actions nothing physical all emotional I have to protect myself from him)

He called later that afternoon to tell me he got called out to handle an accident call (he is a cop) and would not be able to get to the bank during open hours so it would be the next day before he dropped the $$. (This seemed like a small step to treating me better as he has made all sorts of promises and appointments and not followed through and did not respect me enough to call me and tell me he was not going to do whatever it was he promised) during our conversation the other night he said he knew he had F*** up royally and that he had chased and stole another man's wife. He never said anything about betraying me. He told me in the past conv. I should not be mad or think bad of OW that he was the one stealing another man's wife and I should be made at him. I told him I was mad at him and the slut. I told him I did not care what he had done to OW and her H. I was upset because of what he and OW had done to me and our marriage. He just did not seem to get it.

I told him on the phone this time that I had a question. I asked him if his relationship with OW was wrong only because he upset her marriage. His response was that the relationship was wrong because my H is a married man and he was sorry if he did not make that clear the other night. He also said if I went through any of what he is going through now with out OW and the hurt he has because he loves her than he is sorry. ( I am sick of hearing about his love for this slut.) Sorry for the strong words but I need to vent. He said that whenever I had a question I needed answered I could call him and he would try to answer it. He said that he could no longer cause me all of this pain and confuse me further and he could no longer do that to himself. He said once again we need to get together and talk ( I am not looking forward to that and don't know if I can be in the same room with him without getting very upset. I have told him that I don't trust him at the moment not to hurt me further and he will have to understand that my defenses are up. Unfortunately I have built a wall up around myself when it comes to him to protect myself. I feel maybe if it were just the E affair I could maybe get past it. But what I don't know if I can get past is his treatment of me like I did not matter and my feelings did not matter over the past 8 wks. He treated me like garbage all this time. I don't know if I can get past this. I did at one point tell him if he ever came back to me that I would require him to take an AIDS test and all the other things he may have. He told me that was hurtful. He said that he had only slept with one other woman than me and that was the one I knew about before we ever met. He then asked me what I had been told about the OW that I would ask such a thing. I told him I did not know her from adam and that she is probably tall and thin and no wonder he would rather be with her than his fat, f*** of a wife. ( yes I don't have a very good self esteem about my body and this has made it even worse. I am seeing a counselor myself to help me through this. I have prayed for the strength and wisdom to help me through this. I have no idea why I am so upset... I think part of it is being alone and not wanted to get a divorce.. I take my vows seriously.. but that is not the only reason I am this upset.. I do love the him,,, I wonder how much of our relationship was me loving him and him not loving me. I hate that he has caused all of this confusion in me. I am huring so bad I can hardly function but am better today than I was yesterday.

Sorry for the length of this letter.

Tami

Husband called again yesterday and then today also. Yesterday I told him it hurt me to hear over and over again that he loved OW so much and if I was hurting at all like he is now from this loss of OW he is sorry. I told him he will never know how much he has hurt me. The (what he calls love and what I call stupidity) he feels for OW for 2 mos can in no way compare to what I am feeling at the loss of the person I have loved for 14 yrs. Then I let him know that on top of that loss he has treated me like garbage for the last 8 wks. He says he cares but he can't treat me like a human. He told me that once we get together and talk I will realize he has learned that over the past week. I told him that his BS of H and OW will always be in his heart is hurtful. It made me feel like there has never been a Me and H in his heart. He claimed that he is always thinking of us and what we have done in the past and where we have gone in the past. He said he has 1 item in his house the reminds him of OW but everything in his new home reminds him of me. Then he asked if I was wearing my wedding ring yet since our last talk. I told him no I am not wearing it (and I am not wearing it and have not since I found out about OW)
His response was I did not think you were. Then he said I don't want to give anyone false hope.

I had to call him last night his moving and changing address at insurance agent screwed everything up. Then we hung up.

He called today to tell me he fixed things at insurance agents. Then we got into talking again. He says he is sick and nervous about talking to me. I told him I have never given him any reason to be nervous that I have not raised my voice and yelled a screamed. He once again said we need to stop being enemies.. I asked him what that I had done in the past that made him think I thought of us as enemies. I told him I had been as patient as I could be and rational and calm as I could be through all of this. He could not answer the question. I told him that nothing I had done in the past 8 wks was done for his benefit. What I am doing I am doing for myself. I told him for my benefit I had to try to forgive him for things. I can not stand the anger and hatred that is in me now. I told him it will not happen overnight but I have prayed for the strength to forgive him. And that is what I am working on. He said that he did not deserve my forgiveness and I should never forgive him. I told him I would probably never forget and I would not be able to trust him overnight. Trust was something he would have to want and have to earn again. The phone rang and I had to go ( I am at work)

I just am not sure what I need to do. He still says we need to meet face to face to talk. I am reluctant to do that. I think he is still in withdrawl from OW. I hope his counseling session goes ok. He even from the begining has seem to have a mental depression problem or something like that.

We shall see. I am just looking for people to respond and make me think about what I want. It seems to help reading other's thoughts. I am not going to take any one person's advice. I am going to think about all comments and make up my own mind.

Thanks,

Tami

Tami,

Sorry you are in so much pain. I am new here also so I'm afraid I have no advice. I can only give you the standard advice to read everything you can on this website. It really does help. There are some great people here with a great wealth of experience. They will help you. Good luck and God Bless.

Tami,
Have you read SAA (Surviving An Affair). It sounds like you really need to maintain NC with him as he is very much still in the FOG and you need to take care of yourself and not let his selfishness run you down emotionally. Meet with him or draw up a plan on your finances and let that be it.

It is truly up to him to come out of the FOG and see the light.

So sorry for your pain.

Hi Tammy, wow, first of all a big hug goes out to you. Men just don't get it sometimes. The people they are supposed to love the most they hurt. Not all men but most. You mentioned his couseling session, so I assume he is also going.. Wait and see how that goes for now. I think you are just so lonely and hurt, and angry that you will talk to him, whenever he calls. Lay low for a little while . Continue to let him know that you want to work on your marriage, but do not call him all the time. He is looking for that. I myself an a newbie here but your situation sounds of that of my friends. I have learned from her experience . I hate to give the wrong advise so please think before doing any of it. You know what is best for your relationshiop I just want to give you some pointers if you will. Your husband is a cop you said , therefore he has, and does have that (power, authority), over most people, that he may not even realize. He is controlling it sounds like. My friends husband is a Guard in a prison, so he too thinks he has the control and authority over all. These men are very controlling in there everyday lives , at least my friends husband is . Would you say your is also? I will get back to your thread as soon as I can . I have a really bad cold and my head is throbbing the more I look at pc. My prayers are with you and stay strong, there are people out there that can and will help you. Hurtin