My husband has contacted a former girlfriend. They haven't met yet just talked on the phone and emailed. I don't know what to do. He says that he has never been able to get over her and needs to put this to rest one way or another. What do I do. I have been trying to be understanding and fill his needs but I just don't know what to do. I have known about it for a little over a week. I told him last night he needed to see about finding somewhere else to live. Is this the right thing to do? Or should I wait longer? I love him very much and don't want to lose him but I am also hurt. Thank you for any advice you can give me.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by wishing:
<strong>My husband has contacted a former girlfriend. They haven't met yet just talked on the phone and emailed. I don't know what to do. He says that he has never been able to get over her and needs to put this to rest one way or another. What do I do. I have been trying to be understanding and fill his needs but I just don't know what to do. I have known about it for a little over a week. I told him last night he needed to see about finding somewhere else to live. Is this the right thing to do? Or should I wait longer? I love him very much and don't want to lose him but I am also hurt. Thank you for any advice you can give me.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">How long have you been married?

Has he previously expressed some EN that you haven't met?

INHO, I wouldn't throw him out just yet.

We have been married almost 9 years. We have 5 children together.
He says its nothing that I am doing wrong. (of course we have had our ups and downs though) He has thought of her off and on our entire marriage. He had an internet affair over a year ago and we got over that using Marriage Builders. But I don't know what to do this time. He says he loves me and doesn't want to leave but he has these unresolved feelings for her.
I just wish I knew what was going on. He emails her several times a day.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> He had an internet affair over a year ago and we got over that using Marriage Builders. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Did you read "Surviving an Affair"? If you didn't, you should. If you did, then why aren't you using the POJA together? Did he never agree to it? You say you "used" MB. Harley has three fundamental principles: Care, Protection, and POJA, that act like a three-legged stool. Pull out one leg, and the system doesn't work. It sounds like you are not using the POJA. Did he never agree to that?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by wishing:
<strong>We have been married almost 9 years. We have 5 children together.
He says its nothing that I am doing wrong. (of course we have had our ups and downs though) He has thought of her off and on our entire marriage. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">[QUOTE]Originally posted by wishing:

It maybe true that you haven't done anything wrong. Raising 5 children can be challenging. I'm sure. I can relate my experience. My W and I got along great and had wonderful sex, UNTIL my daughter was born.

As you know everything changes once you have kids. My W worked long hours too. To make a long story short. We didn't give love making a high priority but we did have sex every night. Just did it when we weren't too tired, with the baby monitor on, after I locked the door, made sure we didn't make too much noise, at a certain time, only in the bed room, etc, etc, etc. Kind ruined it compared to what it was. That was with one child. I'm sure with 5 children, it's tougher.

I held back getting too affectionate because I thought it would just frustrate us since we couldn't do anything about it till until late at night, when we were both tired. That was a BIG BIG mistake. That eventually became the reason my wife wanted out. She didn't feel desirable. Neither did I for that matter. She said we lost our intimacy and she couldn't get it back with me. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

We should have planned some weekends away for just the two of us, but we didn't.

Could be that your H associates the OW with easier spontainous sex with no distractions. It's not your fault, but he doesn't seemed satisfied with the romance part of the relationship. Yup, us guys need it too and some more that others. Maybe you could take the lead on that and see if it makes a difference. But don't show disappointment if it doesn't work right away.

That's just my opinion. But it would have worked with W and myself.

Our sex is great. He said he has no problems with that. We have it every night and kiss all the time. He says he just has this nagging thought about her. Wondering if he did the right thing in leaving her to marry me. She was married and still is BTW.

Geez, so why does your H want to mess w/her marriage as well???

He needs to see a pastor OR an IC. Listen to the advice above. He is NOT following MB concepts.

So what if he has unresolved feelings. She's M and he is M. You need to ask him to do a NC letter.

This seems so selfish on his part.

We did marriage builders last time. Read all the books and everything. This time he will not do that. He says he is not ready to work on our marriage right now. He says he needs to find out if this is real love he has for her or not.

Tell her H.

He doesn't care <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> . He knew about it the first time too. They live together but he has his life and girlfriends and she has hers. I really don't have a leg to stand on.
Does anyone know how I can find out a password so I can see what is really going on?

There is something else going on here .... what are you not saying?

How do you know her H knows?

Well the whole town knew about it then. It is a very small community. They were not descrete about it at all. They split up for awhile after my husband and I got married and moved away. They got back together because he had to have some kind of brain surgery but she told my husband that it is just the same as it used to be.

How do you "know" how OW's husband "feels and thinks"?

Pep

True I don't know how he really feels.
I guess I have a problem with interferring because if I do then he will resent me for it and never truely know his feelings. I guess I am just going to let him work it out on his own. If I push him or get involved by contacting her or her husband then I am making the decision for him. I want him to decide on his own that I am the one for him. If I get involved and force a choice on him I will never know if it is truely what he wants. You know what I mean?
We have been able to talk about things and learn about each other a lot. He says he feels closer to me know and not so close to her. So if I go breezing in and contact her then all that will be ruined. I want him to trust and repect me not be worried about what I might do.
Maybe this is all wrong but it feels like what I need to do.

I posted this to Neversuspected on this board, but in my opinion it applies here too:

This is not a matter of which one of you he "loves" more. What he really loves is having more than one woman. Do you see this?

He was happy to marry you and keep you at home, having all the comforts of marriage and family when he wanted them, and now he wants to have a girlfriend on the side and have all the fun of being single and dating, too.

He's setting it up this way because that's what he really wants. There are many men who do this -- if you've been reading this board for a while, you've seen it.

Right now, he doesn't really love you. He doesn't really love her. What he loves is having two women to have sex with and get attention from, and he's going to do everything he can to justify this arrangement and keep it going. Do not be surprised at anything he says or does in this regard.

Unless you can see a fundamental change in his attitude -- unless he can SHOW you that what he truly wants is a real marriage to just one woman (you,) be prepared to battle this forever.

He is not going to change. He will do this as long as you, and other women, are prepared to let him do it.

I wish I could be more encouraging, but I did want to let you know that you should not be beating yourself up over which one of you he "loves" more or how he could do this if he "loves" you. Love has nothing to do with this, except his own selfish love for himself and his own selfish desire to have a harem instead of a marriage.

Call and talk to OW. See where she is at. See if she'll tell you what H has been telling her. See if she wants your H to leave you.

He might be telling her that he is already planning on leaving you etc to get what he wants from her.

CALL -- do not just let this happen. She needs to know that you do not want him to leave.

I read the emails. She doesn't want him to leave me and she doesn't want to leave her husband. Although what he wants is for her to leave her husband and then they could get married. She wants to just have an affair. He told her he didn't want just sex (they have not had sex since this started back up, they haven't even seen each other yet). What he wants is a loving all encompassing relationship.
What he has told me is that he is unsure of his feelings for her and that he is trying to decide what to do. By reading his emails it looks to me like he has already decided but he says that he is still trying to search out if the relationship would work between them or not. He told me that he would leave if he decides to have sex with her and I do believe that he will. What I am wondering is if I want to wait around for him. Why should I just sit around acting like a good wifey while he does this? It is so maddening!

Well he says he is going to send her the no contact letter. I will believe it when I see it I guess. He has been so back and forth on the subject I don't know which end is up. Thank you all for your support. It has helped me so much. I will let you know how it goes.