After 32 years married. Four months ago, my wife admits to me, that she is in Love with her boss. He admited to my face, that he loves my wife. She works in a two person office. Her and him. He is married, two kids. She 51 years old, he 40 years. He is a elder in his church, sunday school teacher, director of missions, and I thought, my friend of 15 years. During the past four months, I have tried everything, to get her to forsake him, and work on our marriage. 8 weeks of marriage counseling included. She finally has relented to leave the job of 14 months. The relationship is 12 months old. I confronted him twice. He is arrogant, and denies responsibility. Blames it on me being a bad husband. However, she is keeping her financial accounts with him, and intends to keep seeing him. After reading the love buster, Disrespectful Judgments, is it disrespectful for me to keep telling her, it is wrong to keep on being in love with him, and maybe cause his divorce as well as ours. After reading Angry outburst, is it wrong for me to get emotional when I can't stand the pain. Busted a plate the other night, by accident when I slamed a glass down as I spouted out that He has no right, to attack our family like this. I told his wife six weeks ago, and he threatened me with a lawsuit for harrasment I emailed his company headquarters. They called my wife, and she defended him and said nothing was going on. I told his pastor, who has not done much, but talk to him. She is now leaving me, and returning to her home in europe, to figure it out. How can two people with strong christian values, do this, and not be willing to turn back.? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

32 Years, I’m so sorry. I know how hurtful this must be.

Is it wrong for you to tell your wife she’s wrong for still loving this man? That will be interpreted as a DJ. But, it’s also a waste of breath and energy. She can’t help the feeling right now. Rather you can express that it’s wrong for her to act on that love. But, I would express this in terms of the damage it does to your family. Somewhere here is an article about the lessons children learn from infidelity. But, she’s deep in fog and probably won’t hear the damage she’s done.

Is it wrong to get emotional? NO, but angry outbursts are always wrong. Period. End of story. AO’s are a method of punishing someone in order to prevent them from behaving the same way again. Unfortunately, punishment has a way of backfiring when inflicted on adults. Anger could be a reframing of your hurt because it’s much more acceptable for a man to feel angry than to feel sad. So many men feel mad instead of other feelings. Many women do the opposite. They channel “mad” feelings into “sad” feelings b/c women aren’t supposed to get angry.

Okay, here’s what you do. Get a coach. Cerri or someone like her. VENT HERE. We’ll listen and sympathize. We’ll also offer insight as to how you can apply the MB principles. Pledge to yourself you won’t LB at all. The rule of safety must be implemented first.

Next, a strong Plan A until she leaves for Europe. That means you meet whatever needs she’ll let you meet without expecting her to meet yours. Also, you follow the rules of POJA during Plan A. Policy of Joint Agreement (POJA) states that you don’t do anything that she doesn’t enthusiastically agree with. But, realize she won’t follow this.

You may ask her to end the relationship. All of the relationship. You may ask her where she’s been. The only area where you may cause her any discomfort is about the EA. But you need to do it without LBs.

Nope. It’s not at all fair. You are in essence spoiling the WS in Plan A. But, you are demonstrating change that you can protect your spouse from yourself, that you can meet your spouse’s needs and that you put her interests on par with your own. You will not prosper at her expense.

This will sometimes restore her love for you and make you more attractive than OM.

If not, it sets the stage for a successful Plan B, where you neither LB nor meet her needs because you are incommunicado with her until such time as she agrees to have No Contact with OM and follow MB plan for recovery. This last is a pivotal point since there are way too many marriage counselors who have no solid proven strategy for restoring love and trust in a marriage. (I have heard good things about the Gottmans, though.)

May the Divine Light show you the Way.

Dear 32years, I'm a Christian who was sucked into "the fog" of turning to a fantasy for answers to my problems instead of remembering my Christian values. James 1:14 sums up how it happens, "14. But people are tempted when their own evil desire leads them away and traps them. 15. This desire leads to sin, and then the sin grows and brings death." (New Century Version)
Your W and her boss are caught up in a selfish fantasy that they are right and that everyone else is wrong (us against the world). Their ability to be rational is overcome by their drive to fill their needs.
I am so sorry this has happened to you. I'm also sorry that your W's boss's pastor was of little help!
Keep praying. Keep trusting God to show you what to do. Do you have family,a pastor, or close Christian friends who can support you emotionally and spiritually as you go through this?

<small>[ August 20, 2003, 11:56 AM: Message edited by: Rose55 ]</small>

Thank you both for the replies. My original post was difficult to write. Much, much more has happened. Like most long running marriage, things get complicated. My brother in law sent me a copy of MB's two months ago. Read it, agree with the plan, but have had a very hard time implementing much. I actually had four major issues come up in life at the same time.

Cancer, scare with two months of test, now negative, Father died, loosing my 18 year job by early retirement, and my mate going thru a mid life crisis and finding her comfort at the office. Not trying to justify my bad behavior. There was no physical abuse, but I went to the bottom of the deepest emotional ditch ever experienced. Have a psychologist working with my head, my doctor working with my body, and the Lord working on my soul. Without all that help, I wouldn't be on this board. My pastor and I met once, but my wife actually goes to the OM's church three times a week.

Last sundayj's sermon, included one big challenge, Either Change your name, or change your life, if you claim the Lord. Too long to go into, but a challenge. My pastors advice was very simple, work on yourself, don't try to change the other person. Play the game of life, and leave the score keeping to God.

Some good did come from it. I'm back in church, and developing a much improved spiritual walk. Wearing some holes in the carpet, and learning to pray for God's will.

Last night, I gave my loved wife, a copy of the Summary of DH basic concepts, How to create your own plan to resolve conflicts and restore love, The questionairs, Love Busters, and emotional needs. Just ask that she consider that it would be better to try to save our marriage, even if we fail, than to not try at all and fail for sure. She did read them, but not much reply. I'm pretty sure that she is in withdrawal stage. I'm going to work hard to learn these and do them. Bless her heart, she is trying to find her way through the fog. She is very resentful about leaving the five day a week love nest. I was supposed to trust her. Their relationship was close, very deep, and I'm not actually confident that it was not Emotional and physical. Too many loose ends and a few slips in her story.

I guess this is what you call venting. Typical male, mister fix it.

Thank you both for the replies. My original post was difficult to write. Much, much more has happened. Like most long running marriage, things get complicated. My brother in law sent me a copy of MB's two months ago. Read it, agree with the plan, but have had a very hard time implementing much. I actually had four major issues come up in life at the same time.

Cancer, scare with two months of test, now negative, Father died, loosing my 18 year job by early retirement, and my mate going thru a mid life crisis and finding her comfort at the office. Not trying to justify my bad behavior. There was no physical abuse, but I went to the bottom of the deepest emotional ditch ever experienced. Have a psychologist working with my head, my doctor working with my body, and the Lord working on my soul. Without all that help, I wouldn't be on this board. My pastor and I met once, but my wife actually goes to the OM's church three times a week.

Last sundayj's sermon, included one big challenge, Either Change your name, or change your life, if you claim the Lord. Too long to go into, but a challenge. My pastors advice was very simple, work on yourself, don't try to change the other person. Play the game of life, and leave the score keeping to God.

Some good did come from it. I'm back in church, and developing a much improved spiritual walk. Wearing some holes in the carpet, and learning to pray for God's will.

Last night, I gave my loved wife, a copy of the Summary of DH basic concepts, How to create your own plan to resolve conflicts and restore love, The questionairs, Love Busters, and emotional needs. Just ask that she consider that it would be better to try to save our marriage, even if we fail, than to not try at all and fail for sure. She did read them, but not much reply. I'm pretty sure that she is in withdrawal stage. I'm going to work hard to learn these and do them. Bless her heart, she is trying to find her way through the fog. She is very resentful about leaving the five day a week love nest. I was supposed to trust her. Their relationship was close, very deep, and I'm not actually confident that it was not Emotional and physical. Too many loose ends and a few slips in her story.

I guess this is what you call venting. Typical male, mister fix it.

32 Years, I think you’re off to a good start. And you handled giving your wife information better than most people. J I’ve got to run. I’ll check in later. Sorry for all the life changing stress in your life. Sometimes, I suspect the Lord allows these troubles to come to us in order that we come to him. Okay, I KNOW it. Tames the wind to the shorn lamb.

And he turns all to good. Even the worst evil God can and will turn to good. Unfortunately, we may not be able to see it being mere mortals.

Hang in there.

PS: That wasn't venting at all. Way too respectful and loving to be venting. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />