I found out that the last year of my life has been one huge lie. I fell deeply in love with a married man. I myself was also in a nonsatisfying marriage. We had been friends for a number of years, we fell in love, so I believed. He had left his wife for me. I was in the process of leaving my husband for him, however, I was dragging my feet because I lacked the courage to tell my husband the truth. This man I fell in love with whom I now share a 7 month old baby with, promised me the world. I believed that we for arguments sake were a couple planning a future together. He however, met another woman and had an intimate relationship with her for several months, and then continued to be friends with her. I knew absolutely nothing about her. I am so hurt, I feel so betrayed. This actually happened in the summer of 2001 and carried on until June of 2002. I just need someone to talk with, there are so many things to say and so many things to write to explain my story....if anyone is willing to listen and offer some advice I would very much appreciate it. My story is long and a little confusing....I just need a friend...

You can talk to me if you like. I am a WW still involved in a 5+ year A. I am here trying to find my way out.

If you want to read some about me, go to the subject **Jared**

I am not proud of what I am doing, but this is who I am right now.

ald,

Welcome to MB. You're in the right place, but I have to say you have something of a unique situation be the OW (other woman) and now are somewhat of a BS (betrayed spouse).

Some would argue that you aren't a BS because you're not married to the WS (wayward spouse). I don't think that point is worth arguing. You thought you were in a committed relationship with the WS; and have now found that he has betrayed you.

Please read all you can on this website so that you can begin the journey of learning from your mistakes. It sounds to me like you are in alot of pain - so hopefully you're motivated to make some changes in your life.

You may get some "less than kind" responses from BS (betrayed spouses) who are in pain. Hopefully you can learn from others here in spite of their pain.

So...what's your story? CSue

CSue, or anyone who can help..

My story is...

I fell deeply in love with a married man. I believed that he loved me as deeply as I loved him. My husband at the time had cheated on me early on in our marriage, this new man promised me that he would never hurt me. The new man had left his wife for me, and I was planning to leave my husband for him, I was just seemed to lack the courage to end it with my husband. Anyhow, this man and myself were involved with each other for about 2 years when he met the other woman. She is 15 years younger than he is, he is 41. Anyhow they met at some swimming lessons that they had enrolled their children in, one thing led to another and they started meeting on weekends sometimes to do things with the kids, so he says. Then they became intimate for 4-5 months(say July to November), I knew nothing. This man and I were still very much involved. My husband caught this other man and myself one night when the three of us were out together playing footsies in October(childish I know). I then told my husband that I loved the other man and I wanted a divorce. This other man was so happy because he claims that he had been waiting so long for us to finally come out in the open and be together. He was still sleeping and having an intimate relationship with the other woman. I still knew nothing. My husband and I agreed to still live together until he could find a place of his own. The man I was in love with did not really like that. He just wanted us to be together. Things took a turn for the worse and my husband tried to take his own life. He never moved back into our home again after that. The other man, finally knew that he and I would be together, the problem was though that he was still seeing two of us at the same time. He claims that after my husbands suicide attempt that he told the other woman that he could no longer be intimate with her but they still could be friends. In April after the summer that they had their so called affair, I got pregnant, still knowing nothing about her. He moved in with me and I was so in love, so happy, shortly thereafter his wife spilled the beans to me about what he had done. He denied it all that night, then proceeded to leave the next morning for his 5 day golf trip. Needless to say while he was gone I had another conversation with his wife, who told me more. You see his wife somehow met the other woman when she was out one day with her kids, because the kids knew each other. Well obviously the wife wanted to know how the kids knew each other and the story unfolded. The wife knew he was in a relationship with me. You see he lied for the last year to me, and finally over time when I kept on begging him slowly begin to admit to more and more each time I questionned him about her he finally did, but only because I called the other woman and asked her what happened. He first said it only went on for a few weeks while I was on holidays, and then he felt so guilty that he ended it with her, but she blackmailed him by threatening to show me and his wife some pictures of the two of them, so he says he pretended to be her friend so she would keep quiet, and so the kids could still be friends, then he admits to me 10 months later or so that they slept together in Sept, and he did not end it until, then, then supposively it didn't end then it ended in October, then Novemeber, you get the picture, anyhow I found out about her because one night the following April his son told me that they all slept at Kristie's that night. That is the moment I knew of her and became suspicous. He said that they were friends and met at swimming and did some things together with the kids. I believed him after a while and a fair bit of convincing on his part. Shortly after he moved in his wife and this woman started calling my home and dropping hints.......Anyhow I just don't see how he could have done such a thing, I thought that he loved me, the same way I loved him.........boy what a fool I was, when I ask him why he did it he list various reasons. I never thought you would actually leave your husband, and when she came along just in case it did not work with you I did not want to pass up the opportunity with her, I did not think that you would find out, it was a chance for free sex with no strings attached, I liked her she was fun to be around, this kind of thing had never happened to me before( he says she came onto him), although he says he loved me then just as he loves me now. Even when he got caught he never came clean, he only admitted to what she told me. Why could he not have told the truth the moment he was caught? Why did he tell so many lies and so many versions of the truth over the next year only to change his story every few months by revealing a little more of the truth?? But once again after I got the information from another source. He claims she knew about me and did not care, that she was just interested in a summer fling that went way beyond the summer. He told her that we broke up and she thought it was just the two of them. She says he loved her, he says he never told her he loved her, I don't know who to believe. Why would someone do something like that to someone he says that he loves more than he has ever loved anyone before? Why would he be trying to conceive a child with me knowing he was sleeping with 2 woman at the same time? Why was he with her? Why would he put me and her at risk for STD's??? I have a very very complex story with so many twists and turns....I just need to talk, he won't really talk to me he gets mad when I ask him about what really happened,
I think it is because he hs told so many lies to me(I still don't think he has come 100% clean) that he can't remember what he has or has not told me and just doesn't want to deal with it.....Thanks for listening

Ald,
I’m pondering this situation but I have burning question before I can get my thoughts straight.

Are you still married to your original H ?

Oz

Although I am a recently betrayed wife, I can sympathize with you on two levels: when my h had sex with his lover he did not use a condom (he's fixed) and he has now exposed me to the danger of std's. I have worked in a clinic, and so I immediately went to my doc to be tested. Be sure to do this as some diseases don't have obvious symptoms, and some (hpv) can lead to much more serious problems. I am now looking at 32 weeks until the final aids test is done, but at least then I'll be sure.

Also, my h gave me the truth in bits and pieces as well. I got a phone call, and he denied everything. Then he admitted to a one-night stand with a stranger (out of town on business!!) and made up a name for her. Then he admitted that the one night was two, the stranger was an old lover and the whole thing was followed by a torrid e-mail affair. To put the icing on the cake, he finally told me he had also tried to contact her 6 years ago, then again last fall (while I was planning a romantic getaway for us). Getting the news this way has meant a constant feeling of insecurity and mistrust. You really need to get to the truth and all of it. I hope this part will be over for you soon.

Oswald,

Yes, I am still married to my husband. My divorce is at the stage where I am waiting for my Divorce Judgment to go through the courts, should be any day now.

My marriage intimately had been over for years before the other man. My husband and I were like roommates, but we were friends and still are to this day.

We have a daughter together.

Please don't take this the wrong way but please consider the following.

If you felt like what you did (have an affair) with this OM because you fell in love with him while you were still married to your H, why isn't it ok for your OM to do the same if he fell in love with this other woman?

Hi ald

I have a strange idea, why not try to give your M one more try, you both made mistakes, now maybe you can redeem your M. Make it new, better.

God Bless

Silverthorn,

I hear what you are saying about giving him one more chance, he really wants another chance, he wants me to love him once again. We are at this point still living together, but, I, even though for him it happened 2 years ago learned about his affair about 9 months after it happened, and the whole truth just last month. I want it to be like it was before, but I am so hurt by what he has done to me.....I loved him deeply, I cannot believe he did this to me, he must not have loved me, I am having a hard time giving him 100% of my heart right now. any ideas on how I can get past the hurt and betrayal??

TooMuchCoffeeMan,

No offense taken. I knew what I was doing to my husband would hurt him, I did, but I fell in love with this man over time, and I followed my heart. I did what I did because I believed that we were soulmates that myself and the OM would spend the rest of our lives together, I thought he loved me, truly loved me. So no, I do not think that what he did to me was right. He promised me he would never hurt me. My marriage for the most part was over. He says he never loved the other woman, but she says he told her over and over again that he did. I am not even sure why it really ended between them. He says it ended because he knew he and I would finally be together now my husband and I had split it, she says she found out what he was all about. Maybe I am just blind but I truly believed that we were a couple waiting to spend the rest of our lives together, he led me to believe this, he told me this over and over again, so why would he sleep with another woman?? Why??

He slept with her for the same reason he slept with YOU. You keep saying your marriage was over for more that 2 years. I say that is what you have made yourself believe to justify the Affair. The sad part is the only person that truly loves you was your HUSBAND and you cannot see it. Love is far more than a feeling, it is a commitment. You have been acting like you were in high school. You are in so much fog that currently you cannot see the truth. Yes, your husband made a mistake and had an A but he never left you for the OW.

What comes around goes around. You reap what you sow. Unfortunately, now you have a child from your poor decisions.

Ald

If you really think about it you did it to each other. Its time for forgivness and redeeming. You shouldn't build on the dead marriage except to take what worked out of it. You need to have it redeemed, not returned to. For now you won't give 100%. But Love is not a feeling, there is a lot of feeling tied with it but its a choice. Give your M a chance to be redeemed. I think inside both of you that is what is wanted, and needed. Give it to God, he is waiting for you both to seek his help and guidence.

ald,

You have come to a marriage building site, and all you want to talk about is ending your marriage and how the OM has done you wrong. Am I right? Do you need advice? If so I am sure you will get some. In fact, I am going to offer you a lot of advice. I am afraid you are not going to like hearing it, but please do me the courtesy of reading it.

First, you are clearly very emotionally immature. You think love is a feeling. It is NOT. Infatuation, lust, passion, those are feelings, love is a verb. You have been using and acting on this term completely wrong from the beginning.

Now marriage is based on love but has less to do with it than you think. Marriage is commitment, it is taking vows and keeping them, EVEN if your partner does not. It is caring for and protecting your spouse. Within the context of marriage love is VERB. It is the actions you take to meet your commitments, it is the care you give to the person you are married to.

Now let's look at just some of what you have said and asked. You said </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Why could he not have told the truth the moment he was caught? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You didn't do that with your H did you? In fact you haven't faced the truth about this relationship with OM, but you are going to bring a child into it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Why did he tell so many lies and so many versions of the truth over the next year only to change his story every few months by revealing a little more of the truth??</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Because he wanted what he had with you and what he had with the other women in this mess. It is very clear, he likes sex, he likes the chase, he enjoys having women do what he wants. Telling the truth would have served no useful purpose to him. So why tell the truth?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> But once again after I got the information from another source. He claims she knew about me and did not care, that she was just interested in a summer fling that went way beyond the summer. He told her that we broke up and she thought it was just the two of them. She says he loved her, he says he never told her he loved her, I don't know who to believe. Why would someone do something like that to someone he says that he loves more than he has ever loved anyone before? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well, DUH, he did it because he is a liar and a cheat. He did it to his W, the ONLY person he made vows to, so why do you expect him to change for you. Besides it worked well. He got you in the sack, he had his W in the sack, and the third woman as well. Probably others before you. Why change that situation, certainly not because of commitment, he has none. You should understand that?

There is a saying that when the OW replaces the W in a marriage she creates a vacancy for her position. You did and he filled it with yet another woman.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Why would he be trying to conceive a child with me knowing he was sleeping with 2 woman at the same time? Why was he with her? Why would he put me and her at risk for STD's??? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He did it for the most simple of reasons, because he could. He did it because you were foolish enough to believe that this man who was cheating on his W would not cheat on you. Finally, he did it because he did not care about your health, the other woman's health, or even his W's health. As for the child, that will be YOUR problem not his, just watch. Some men get a realy charge out of fathering a child with ANOTHER MAN'S WIFE. That would be you.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I have a very very complex story with so many twists and turns....I just need to talk, he won't really talk to me he gets mad when I ask him about what really happened,
I think it is because he hs told so many lies to me(I still don't think he has come 100% clean) that he can't remember what he has or has not told me and just doesn't want to deal with it.....Thanks for listening </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You story is NOT complex. It is about a woman that doesn't understand what love and commitment really are. It is about a woman that apparently (I say this because you hinted that your H wanted to repair the marriage after his affair) would not repair the marriage and preferred to hold a grudge.
It is clear that your H loved you, or he would not have attempted suicide, and it is clear you have a very hard heart. Hence your hard heart led you to conceive a child with a serial cheater and liar.

Now there is a simple solution to this. Get this OM out of your life, or your life will be H**L. I guarentee it. I would also like to recommend that you consider taking a new fresh look at your H. If he still wants to remain married to you although you are carrying another man's child, there is a lot more to him, than you have ever realized. You would be a fool to push him out of your life.

But, most of all, I would strongly recommend that you look at yourself in the mirror and in your heart. What are your values? What are you going to be able to show and tell your children about what you stand for? What kind of a heart do you really have?

Is your ONLY moral imperative that "If I feel something for someone it must be LOVE. AND if it is love it MUST BE right?" If so, you are in for a very very hard life. There is a lot more to life than just feelings girl. Your H seems to be showing you that, consider looking him in the eye and seeing what is inside his heart.

If you stay with OM, your life and your children's lives are doomed. It is very clear. I have been on this site a long time and on this planet almost a full 6 decades and I can assure you I am NOT wrong about this guy.

I wish you the best.

God Bless,

JL

PS: It will help you to read the articles on this site. The will give you a whole new perspective on marriage and what is possible with your current H even now. You are definitely not replacing your H with someone better or who loves you more.

Ald you may beleive that we are being harsh with you but the truth is that we want to help you open your eyes as to the kind of man your OM truly is, a predator. He is one of many out there that wait for the chance to seduce emotionally vulnerable women like yourself for nothing more than the thrill of the hunt. You already have proof of this but if you chose to ignore it and continue with him you may end up regreting it for the rest of your life.

The poor baby <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I really care that this child is born into such sickness.

Sorry innocent little baby .... you got cheated.

The REAL innocent is the child.

Phooey!

Pep <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by ald:
<strong>I found out that the last year of my life has been one huge lie. I fell deeply in love with a married man. I myself was also in a nonsatisfying marriage. We had been friends for a number of years, we fell in love, so I believed. He had left his wife for me. I was in the process of leaving my husband for him, however, I was dragging my feet because I lacked the courage to tell my husband the truth. This man I fell in love with whom I now share a 7 month old baby with, promised me the world. I believed that we for arguments sake were a couple planning a future together. He however, met another woman and had an intimate relationship with her for several months, and then continued to be friends with her. I knew absolutely nothing about her. I am so hurt, I feel so betrayed. This actually happened in the summer of 2001 and carried on until June of 2002. I just need someone to talk with, there are so many things to say and so many things to write to explain my story....if anyone is willing to listen and offer some advice I would very much appreciate it. My story is long and a little confusing....I just need a friend...</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

I dont believe I am responding in this way to your plea.For I am the wife of a man who had the affair. The pain is too hard to even desscribe. But with God's grace and mercy we are recovering. Slowly. There is also a child with this woman. As bad as I may sound I am so greatful that we have no contact with her or the child. As far as I know her husbands thinks that he is the father. But back to you. I am truly sorry that you have been hurt this way. But really, the writing was on the wall when you two started your affair. Please turn it all over to God and he will help you. Deep in your heart I think you know that is the only way to go. This man will never be who you need.Cut your loses an just know God will lead you where you to go. God bless you and your child. Please email me if you would like to talk. I just feel led to reach out to you. Maybe it will help me heal from my anger towards the other woman that was in our life. Take care. Lisa lisa31513@yahoo.com

I'm not sure how common this happens in this type of chat forum, but after reading all the postings with "ald" sitting by my side, I felt compelled to add a few remarks of my own, in the hopes that everyone has a better understanding of our situation and, ultimately, that we can get some good advice on how to mend our broken relationship.

You see, I am the OM in this whole mess. And I would like to add some comments in my own defense. To refresh everyone's memory, here is a synopsis of this complex situation we find ourselves in:

I am the man that left his wife (who I didn't love anymore) so I could be with "ald". Myself and "ald" had previously been friends for many years before falling in love with eachother. By the time I met this OW and the A started (behind "ald's" back about 2 years ago........the affair lasted about 4 months), I had been separated from my wife for about 9 months. During this 9-month period I had been begging "ald" to leave her husband (whom she was still living with, and who nothing about "ald" and me). I wanted to be with her "ald" so badly, I left my wife and 2 kids so we could be together. The only problem was that "ald", although she claimed she loved me, wasn't sure if she had the guts to leave her H at the time to be with me.

Now, fast forward to my affair with the OW. I want to make a few points perfectly clear. I am not writing this to get sympathy from anyone, nor am I condoning what I have done. Nor am I blaming anyone else.......I take full responsibility for my actions. I am not at all proud of what I have done....in fact I am downright embarassed and ashamed of it. I never thought in a million years that I was the type of person that would ever do this. Anyhow, I am simply trying to give some background information so you all can have a better understanding of why and how I let the A happen. I know what I have done to "ald" is unforgivable and I regret having this affair every day of my life.

- first of all, I wasn't looking for an A with anyone. I was willing to wait for "ald" to leave her H, although I must admit I was becoming frustrated with her not leaving her H after I left my W 9 months previously

-secondly, the OW, who was 15 yrs younger than me, initiated everything and I eventually succumbed to the temptation of having a secret A. I was convinced that "ald" would never find out and the OW said it would be "our little secret and nobody needs to know". In a nut shell, I had the opportunity to have the affair with little chance of getting caught....so I thought

-thirdly, a woman hitting on me had never happened to me EVER before. A number of people in previous postings have labelled me a "predator" lurking in the shadows......preying on unsuspecting women. Allow me to let you in on a little secret: I am 41 yrs old and in my life I have slept with a grand total of 4 women.......3 of whom you already know about!!! So please don't confuse me with some gigolo that picks up a different woman every weekend.

In previous postings, people have told "ald" that she should give me the boot. Dr Phil in all his wisdom once said "past behaviour is the best predictor of future behaviour". While in a general sense this may be true in the majority of situations, I don't believe it is true in EVERY single situation. I KNOW in my heart that I will never cheat again. I believe I have learned from my mistakes and sins and the pain I have caused others. Although my actions have not shown it, I do love "ald" and I want to make our relationship work. People do make mistakes and I have made the biggest and worst one of my life by cheating on "ald".

For those of you who doubt that I am now committed to "ald", please consider this: We have been living together now for over a year and we have a 7 month old son together who we love dearly. "Ald" also has a 7yr old daughter from her previous M who has a disability, and who is extremely demanding, bossy, stubborn, and difficult to handle. In addition, I have been financially supporting everyone (incl my ex-spouse and my 2 previous children). The past 15 months have been the most stressful of my entire life as me and "ald" struggle to save our relationship. Also, I have invested significant funds (over $22,000) into developing our basement and purchasing a family vehicle. In light of the above, do I sound like a man that is not committed to staying??

As a side note, "ald" and I are currently seeking help through counsellors. "Ald" says she barely loves me anymore, doesn't trust me one iota, but yet after all we've been through, we are still together when many would have given up ages ago.

I guess in closing, I would just like to say that I desperately want to be with "ald" forever, and I think she wants to be with me but she doesn't know how to put this behind her. Can anyone out there give us some advice on how we can move on?? All I want to do is talk and think about our future together........all "ald" wants to do is talk and think about the past.

Through this chat room I hope we can finally put this all behind us and start enjoying life again.......

Thanks in advance for your comments and opinions.

Amen to that to much coffee
I agree with your last statement. This man does not care for you, he only wants to continue to see how much you will take from him. End it now before you are not able to . Hurtin