I'm new, and not sure I'm in the right spot. I have been finding out about my husband's brief affair and longer e-mail affair with a former lover (before me) over the past four weeks. The worst of it was the web of lies that I got through the period after I got the "phone call", and the fact that he revealed very personal stuff about our sexual relationship to his lover over e-mail. She then passed it on to another lover. Very messy, and I feel very violated.

We have been together for 15 years and married for 12, in the best marriage I could imagine. We have two young kids, and of course, things were becoming more distant over the past year and a half.

Anyway, he seems to have finally given me all the truth, and he suggested both marriage counseling (we've been to two sessions) and individual counseling (he sees someone next week).

I guess my problem right now is that, even though I feel committed to trying to save our relationship, I'm still so distressed (had a panic attack, shaking, unable to concentrate at work, etc.) that I can't imagine what's ahead. I'd really like to know if I will ever be able to trust him again, and if I'll ever feel in love again. Has anyone out there survived this kind of betrayel?

Gayle McT,
Hello and welcome to MB. I'm so sorry that you're going through all this pain. Please know that you have come to the right place. The information, guideance and support you will find here will be very helpful. You are not alone even though it may feel like it. There are people here, including myself, that have survived affairs and actually have a stronger marriage than before. Hang in there...........

Hi Gayle McT

I am sorry you find yourself here, I to am sorry you are going through this pain, all of us share it.

Yes you are for now in the right place, and everything you are going through is natural, I went through it myself and every BS goes through it. And, yes as you read the posts, read the books suggested (Surviving an Affair, His Needs/Her Needs and other books recommended by people here) you will see that the marriage can not only survive but be better. Its a hard road and a long road, and it helps if your H is willing to do MC and IC. I would also suggest that you both start reading the Bible together in a bible study, do 3 chapters a day, hold hand and either one of you can start with prayer, your H should always close the study in prayer. It has helped my W and I. Both of you should read the other books either together or not, and discuss it.

It is a slow process, be patient, be kind, be loving, it will take time, talk, share, be with each other. Time heals all wounds.

God Bless

Gayle...Welcome to MB...you will find that MANY have been where you are right now. The fears of "Can I do this?", "Will I ever be able to trust him again?" are perfectly normal. The discovery of his betrayal is very raw and brand new for you and your emotions are overwhelming and out of control...perfectly normal again.

To answer some of your questions...Yes, you can do this...IF you and your H both are willing to put in the most work you've ever had to attempt in rebuilding your marriage.

Yes, you will be able to trust him again, but the trust will be different. In the beginning stages of recovery, you will find yourself trusting something he says...partly from habit. Then you will be shocked and you'll second guess yourself and him. NORMAL! But IF he is open with you, IF he is honest with you, the level of trust begins to rise. You'll discover that trust is coming back, altho it may be somewhat guarded and conditional.

Most of us find that blind trust we may have had in our marriages before the betrayal can not be reclaimed. It's usually only given as a gift once to each person in our lives, but maybe that isn't such a bad thing to lose. JMHO Blind trust puts a large burden on ourselves and our spouses...for we all can fail and maybe if we avoided some of that blind trust we could avoid something from getting out of hand before real harm is done.

Yes...there are surviors of betrayal. We can build marriages from what seems to be ashes and we can build them with hope, dreams and faith. While a betrayal NEVER makes for a better marriage, the work of learning new communication skills, the importance of sharing and meeting our spouse's needs and our own, the giving and receiving of forgiveness for what is unforgivable...can and often does make a much healthier, happier, and more loving and honest marriage.

God speed on your healing path. May He watch over you and comfort you. May He give you both strength and courage and wisdom.

Interestingly enough, Dr. Harley himself says he does not completely trust his wife, nor she him. And that is one secret to a successful marriage. Knowing that we are wired to fall in love with someone else if the conditions exist. Dr. Harley even thinks snooping is okay, although no WS is going to agree enthusiastically to this.

Also, try not to take the lies personally. I know the dishonesty is almost as painful as the betrayal itself. But it’s like the spots with chicken pox. It’s part of the disease and if you avoid it, you’re one in a thousand. In fact, until the EA is absolutely over, you need to expect him to lie.

One policy I always try to follow is never ask a question that you don’t want an honest answer to. “Is the other woman better in bed than me?” is not a question you want answered.

All that said, once you have a relationship that works for both of you, the fear will evaporate. You’ll know he can be weak when vulnerable, but you’ll be able to protect against that and you’ll be creating conditions where neither of you will be vulnerable..

I really appreciate your support. I've found that I've been able to get some perspective by looking at others' postings, and it certainly helps to know that others survive.

We're talking a lot, and I'm confident that the A is over. But, it was a very tangled thing, with his lover also seeing another man who was in an "open marriage". It was the other man's wife who made the call to me.

So, I kind of expect that there will be more fallout, with these other 4 (!!) people (lover, her husband, her other lover, his wife) all with access to our names and phone number. Any advice about how to handle calls or communication? He's already agreed to pass on everything to me, and has done this twice, and we agreed that everybody gets the truth when they ask. Other than agreeing to handle everything together, is there a way we can prepare?

I'm feeling better today, and trying to focus on where we want to go. Should I be looking at the recovery space?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Gayle McT:
<strong>I'm feeling better today, and trying to focus on where we want to go. Should I be looking at the recovery space?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Gayle,
My opinion, you should be anywhere you are comfortable. The recovery board would welcome you just as this board has.

Personally I would raise an eyebrow at further or continued communication with the other characters in this story. Your real concern now is your H and the M. These other people have their own baggage and they will have their own emotional rides to take. They will all have anger to deal with and you don’t want to get jaded stories or half-truths from them, you already have the main piece of information that you need.

IMHO, Deal with your own mess and leave them theirs.

Hang in there Gayle, you can do this,

Oz